Bite & Release

by CORY CYR

  I put my fork down. “I’m not sure what you mean. What happened when?” I replied, my eyes not meeting hers. Oh God, she did know.

  “I know you saw Andrew last weekend,” Trina remarked, pushing around her food on her plate. My cheeks felt a little warm, and I felt like I was beginning to sweat. I’d never had a panic attack, but, seriously, maybe I was starting to now. I didn’t know what to say, and my mind was spinning, just thinking about what she may know. I knew this would come back to haunt me. I felt bad enough hurting Shea, but Trina? She might hate me.

  “How did you know I was with Shea?” I asked casually.

  “Carrie said something to my mom about Shea taking you to the store, and then the next day he broke it off with her.”

  I had no idea what I should tell her. If I revealed the truth, she may or may not freak out, but what if I lied to her? I cleared my throat again, and then reached for my wine glass.

  “It’s complicated,” I muttered, peering into my wine glass, avoiding her eyes.

  Trina snorted lightly. “I knew it. People only ever say it’s complicated when they are beating around the bush. Ryan, just tell me what happened . . . I need to know.” Trina’s eyes pleaded her case.

  I shook my head, setting down my wine glass. I started rubbing my hands together. I wanted to tell her, but I was struggling to speak the words.

  “I, um . . .” I inhaled sharply.

  “You like him. You like my brother.”

  I expected shock or anger but she didn’t sound accusatorial. “Of course I like Shea,” I retorted, still avoiding her gaze, knowing my eyes might betray the truth.

  “No, I mean you like him . . . as a man.” I finally looked up at her because now I was shocked that she appeared to be accepting the possibility.

  “Just tell me what happened. You two didn’t have . . .” Trina seemed to choke on her words, “have sex, did you?”

  My face turned very pink. Normally, I hardly ever got embarrassed, and it took quite a bit to fluster me, but having my BFF ask me if I had sex with her baby brother? Well, that basically was coloring outside of the lines.

  “Of course not! Holy shit, Trina, why on earth would you think I had sex with Shea? Did he tell you we had sex?” I looked straight at her, my mouth clamped shut.

  “No, I haven’t talked to him.” Trina paused as she twisted a napkin in her hands. “All I know is that after he saw you, he broke it off with Carrie and now he’s acting strange, according to my mom.”

  Just then, the server came by and gave us the check. I took the opportunity and ordered some more wine for both of us. I had a good feeling that we needed it.

  “You won’t like it, Trina.” I combed my hands through my hair, taking a deep breath. “Can I just say, for argument’s sake, that Shea and I may have crossed a few boundaries? It’s not his fault. I should have known better. I’m the adult, this is my fault.”

  The waiter brought two fresh glasses of wine. I quickly grabbed mine and took a fortifying sip. Trina just played with the stem of her glass, levelling an all-knowing gaze at me.

  “He’s also an adult. You know he loves you, right?” Trina spoke casually. My eyes grew very wide.

  “No—what? He doesn’t even know me, Trina . . . fuck, what a mess,” I lamented, tipping my glass and draining half of the wine, praying for a little numbing buzz.

  “He’s loved you forever.” Trina opened her purse, removing a tissue. If she started crying, I may just die right here.

  “Trina, he was eight when I left. There’s no fucking way that he loved me. He didn’t even know what love was,” I reasoned, watching her carefully.

  “Maybe not when he was eight, but he never stopped talking about you, ever. He always asked about you, at least once a week for years.”

  I sighed. This was not happening. Trina was not trying to defend my actions and make this all okay.

  “I never told him you got married. I knew it would destroy him.” Trina took the tissue and blotted her lips. “He’s not a little boy anymore, Ryan. Andrew is a man.”

  Yeah, I fucking noticed, and that’s the problem, because he’s not only younger but he’s also the damn kid I used to babysit.

  “Yeah, he might be a man now, but he was the kid I used to babysit! I admonished her, giving voice to my tortured thoughts. “Jesus, I’m what? Thirteen years older than Shea. How can you not have a problem with this? He’s your kid brother, for God’s sake!” I clenched my fists, frustrated and confused with my scattered emotions. Trina put her hand on my arm.

  “Why wouldn’t I want my brother with my best friend? Why would I be mad about the two people I care about the most in the world being together? Both of you deserve love.”

  My brain was on complete shutdown. I wasn’t sure how to react to Trina telling me Shea’s declaration of love, or the fact that I let him get me off in his car. The one thing I couldn’t deny, no matter how hard I tried, was that Shea appealed to me physically—there was no doubt that he was all adult male and hot as hell. How was I supposed to get past the fact that I was a caregiver for him at one point in our lives, that there was a hell of an age gap, that he was Trina’s baby brother, and that I was married! My God, what would people think? What would his mother think? Fuck, I ran away from New York to uncomplicate my life, and here I was, smack dab in the middle of drama . . . drama I had caused.

  Trina cleared her throat, which snagged my attention again. “Ryan, you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. The guys in high school panted after you like dogs in heat. For as many guys who wanted you, you only had eyes for acting—your dream. You could have had anyone you wanted, but somehow you saddled yourself with Garrison. Isn’t it time you had a little happy in your life?”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say, Trina. You know I care about Shea, but I doubt I could ever get past the age difference,” I said sadly.

  “Thirteen years is not astronomical. I’m not sure why you’re making it into some huge ordeal,” Trina replied.

  I glared at her. “Because I used to fucking babysit him when he was eight years old. Jesus, Trina, even contemplating anything with Shea is just wrong,” I sighed, exhausted from the argument.

  “Okay . . . fine. Just be his friend and don’t shut him out. Talk to him, Ryan.”

  “I don’t want him to think there’s a chance. You know those boundaries I was talking about? Even that gave him hope. I don’t want to hurt him.”

  “You won’t, I know you. Just don’t close the door on ‘maybe.’ Do this for me—just be his friend.”

  I reluctantly agree. Being Shea’s friend wasn’t going to be easy because I had a taste of his decadence, and even though I knew how wrong it was, and that it could never happen again, there was no denying that I had liked it. It had been too long since someone had sexually excited me the way Shea did. I couldn’t hurt him, but I just wasn’t sure how to be his friend. I knew he would want more, and what really scared the shit out of me was that I might too.

  Chapter EIGHT

  When I got back home, I unloaded my bags and wished that I had looked at dresses. Eventually I would have to buy one for Trina’s wedding, which was five weeks away. I wanted to make sure Shea and I cleared the air before then. We had a rehearsal dinner coming soon, the wedding and the reception, and it would be very awkward if Shea and I didn’t make nice prior to these events.

  I sat in the living room, drinking a soda. The more I thought about Trina’s upcoming wedding events and the holidays right around the corner, I knew staying here would be the right thing to do. For the first time in years, I felt oddly content, and although living in Fairbanks would never be long term for me, it would allow me time to find somewhere else to put down roots. The real bitch was that I’d never really worried about money. When I first got to New York, things were tight, but then I met Garrison. I always had a cushion of money on which to fall back. However, if I stayed until the first of the New Year, I would eventually run out of fund
s. I needed to find some kind of job and supplement the money I already had stashed. But I couldn’t give anyone my social security or driver’s license; Garrison had deep pockets and I couldn’t leave a paper trail of any kind. At this point, I wasn’t sure how this would work. Could I find an “under the table” job?

  I called Trina and filled her in on my plans. She was elated that I planned to stay, even though I made it very clear that my stay was just temporary. About two hours after we talked, I saw Shea’s car pull into my driveway. A feeling of guilt washed over me. I honestly never meant to hurt him. I opened the front door as he walked up the drive.

  “Hey,” I called out from the doorway. He looked amazing—again. Loose jeans, a teal colored sweater that stretched across his broad shoulders and a gray knit cap. He was devastatingly gorgeous. My mind started replaying that kiss . . . damn, Shea had some lips on him. Between his kiss and those magic fingers, I was fairly sure a mental orgasm could potentially happen. Shit, I had to stop my mind from wandering into emotionally dangerous territory.

  “Hey yourself.” Shea’s blue eyes blazed into mine. “Trina told me about your situation. I think I may have a solution to your problem.”

  Oh God, I hope Trina didn’t go into details about Garrison. She had told me at lunch that she never even told Shea I had gotten married, so maybe I could just fake my way through this conversation, or flat out lie. I inhaled his delicious scent as Shea squeezed past me and came into the house. Fuck, why did he have to look like that and smell so good? This was definitely purgatory—if not flat out hell. He stood there, waiting for me to close the door. Once I did, I motioned Shea into the living room.

  “Have a seat. Want something to drink?” I asked. He shook his head as he sat, removing his cap and shaking out his hair. Even when he was a child, I knew that Shea would become a heartbreaker, because his blue eyes would always sucker the girls.

  “So tell me what you need, Ryan,” he said, as I sat in the rocking chair across from him. A slight frown settled on his face when he realized I hadn’t sat on the sofa with him.

  I twisted my hands in my lap. I had no doubt I appeared nervous. I began chewing on my bottom lip. “I need a job,” I said, trying not to look at him. “Something under the table,” I whispered under my breath.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Shea’s jaw twitch. He got up and came over to my chair. Even though he sat on the edge of the coffee table, his face was only inches from mine.

  “What’s going on, Ryan?” he asked gently, eyeing me carefully. He reached out his hand, covering my hands with his. “You have worry face. What’s wrong?”

  I almost chuckled when he said worry face, which is what I used to say to him whenever he came home from school upset and wouldn’t tell me what happened. After all these years, he still remembered.

  I shook my head. “Nothing really, there’s just some crap in New York that I left behind.” I paused, finally looking straight at him. “I just don’t want that crap following me here. I need to keep a low profile.”

  “Okay. I gather you’re in some kind of trouble,” Shea said. I started to butt in, but he waved his hand at me. “You obviously don’t want to tell me, and that’s fine, whatever. I think I can help you though.” My eyes raked Shea from top to bottom, settling on his mouth. I noticed him shift uncomfortably when he knew I was staring.

  “Why would you want to help me?” I asked, quietly. Shea stood up, pulled his cap back on and started for the door.

  “You know why, Ryan. I’ll always help you. No questions asked,” he responded, his expression a little sad. Pain filled my chest because I knew I had broken his heart twice—once as a little boy and now as a man.

  Chapter NINE

  The next day I received a call from Shea.

  “I found you a job, but it’s only temporary,” he explained. “It’s just a fill-in receptionist job while Stacy’s on maternity leave.”

  “I’ve never done anything like that, and who’s Stacy?” I asked.

  “Can you answer a phone? Can you write in a book? Then you’re qualified.” I heard Shea take a pause. “Look, Stacy is our receptionist at Protected Paws, and she is about to bail on us for about twelve weeks of maternity leave, so you’d be doing us a favor, which will also help you.”

  “We’ll be working together?” I squeaked, because seeing him eight hours a day would be torture for both of us.

  I could hear annoyance in Shea’s voice. “Look, I had to lie to my boss, and I’m not happy about it. I told him you were like family and that you’d lost all your stuff in a fire. I vouched for you, so please back up my story. Just keep it simple and short. It’s only three days, Friday through Sunday, and no, you won’t be working with me much. You can rest easy, Ryan . . . we’ll hardly see each other.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” I sighed into phone as I leaned back against the wall. “Thank you for doing this. I do appreciate it, really.”

  “I’ll pick you up Friday morning, eight sharp.”

  “Alright,” I whispered. I hung up the phone, realizing I should have gotten more information, like the dress code at the office. I hadn’t had an actual job in years, so basically I would be in newbie territory. I went back into my room and dug through the closet, hoping to find work appropriate outfits. I did have those new pants I bought; I could pair them with a nice blouse and some plain shoes.

  This sucked. I felt completely out of sorts. My life was so disorganized, and I was confused about this house, the job, damn Garrison, my future and Shea. I was such a failure.

  *****

  Shea showed up promptly at eight, Friday morning, just like he promised. It was a cold, brisk morning and I knew winter was definitely around the corner. It took us about twenty minutes to get to Protected Paws, a small but quaint clinic. When I got out of the Bronco, I noticed Shea hadn’t turned off the engine.

  “Have a good day,” he chirped, smiling. I stood there, slightly frozen from the weather and the fact that I was going into a new job by myself.

  “You’re not coming?” I asked nervously.

  “No, I’m off on Fridays. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he answered, very matter of fact.

  Great, I would have to fend for myself today. I almost felt like Shea was punishing me. Whatever. I slammed the door—a little too hard. Shea tilted his head up as he frowned through the windshield. I shrugged as I held my purse tightly and walked to the front door, watching out of the corner of my eye as he drove away. Once inside, Dr. Hansen, an older gentleman who seemed very nice, and Luke, whom I supposed was Shea’s replacement on his days off, greeted me,. There was also a young girl about twenty working up front named Candy. Dr. Hansen spent thirty minutes grilling me about Andrew/Shea. I told them a couple of stories about him as a child, sure to irritate the hell out of him. That would teach him to throw me to the wolves. Bastard.

  All in all, the day wasn’t too bad. Candy handled the register for prescriptions and pet food. I just answered the phone and made appointments. Candy and I shared basic small talk. She appeared very impressed that I was so easy going after having lost everything in a fire, and how sweet it was of Andrew/Shea to help me. Bastard! Luke appeared a little closer to my age and was pretty easy on the eyes, so the job did have some perks. I would be working Friday through Sunday, which was a good schedule for me. Shea showed up at the end of the workday, right at five, which kind of surprised me. I figured he would make me walk home.

  Bastard.

  “So how was your first day?” he inquired as I buckled up while he backed out.

  “Not bad, actually okay. Luke seems nice.” I added in the Luke part to see if I could get a rise out of Shea. I didn’t. He just huffed and kept driving. The ride home was quiet. When we did get to my house, Shea turned off the engine.

  “You seem upset with me,” he mused. I cracked the door open, but Shea pulled me back in by my elbow.

  “I’m tired,” I whined. I really wasn’t in the mood to get into it with
him tonight.

  He seemed to be stalling. “Okay, then I guess I’ll pick you up at nine tomorrow morning?” He released his grip on my elbow as he waited for my answer.

  “Yeah, see you tomorrow. Thanks for the ride,” I said as I closed the door.

  I hurried into the house and turned on the heat. Beginning next month, I would have to start leaving the heat on all day because of the freezing temperatures, but right now, it was a luxury I couldn’t afford. Once the house got warm, I ate something, then showered and went to bed.

  The next morning, Shea was prompt once again. This time he was dressed conservatively and looked professional, and extremely sexy. I scolded myself mentally for even thinking that. Shea was out of bounds, he was a no no. Thank goodness, Saturdays at Protected Paws were very busy, so it helped to keep my mind on something other than him.

  Shea was amazing. I watched him as he carried in a dog that had been hit by a car. He was all business, yet calm and gentle with the children to whom the dog belonged. I was really impressed; he clearly cared about the animals’ welfare, as well as their guardians who cared for them. He took the Sheppard mix into the back and I didn’t see him again for over two hours. When he came back out he look disheveled and tired, and as he spoke to the family, the parents were thanking him and shaking his hand while the small children were hugging him around his legs.

  He walked over and calmly told us that the dog would live but would have to stay a few days until he was completely out of the woods. Candy just looked at Shea as if he was some kind of god—a god she definitely wanted. Candy was Shea’s age anyway, so why shouldn’t she be interested? After all, he was gorgeous, sweet, and smart. I stopped for a moment while thinking about Shea’s attributes.

  Hold up . . . he sounded too perfect just to hand over to Candy.

  Whoa, what the hell was wrong with me? For a brief moment, I forgot my babysitting past, and the fact that he was also the devil who bit me and scarred me for life. Well, there was that, and there was also the fact that he kissed like no one else I had ever kissed in my life. He also rocked me through the most life-altering orgasm of my life, and he filled out a pair of jeans like nobody’s business.