by CORY CYR
I watched as he threw a few bills down on her tray as a tip. “Thanks, Shelly. Hopefully, tonight won’t be a repeat of last time,” he said as he rubbed the back of his neck, his face a mask of tension. I brushed my hand a long his bare arm, hoping to make him more at ease. He put his hand on top of my arm as he flashed me a grin, leaving any tension behind.
“What are these?” I asked, tapping the side of the shot glass.
“Oh baby, these are very special.”
I took a tiny sip and my face scrunched up from the strong alcohol.
“You like? I believe it’s a Russian Quaalude.” He reached across the table, his tongue darting out to swipe my lips. “Damn, that is good.”
I laughed, reaching for my shot. “Drink your own,” I said, slapping his hand away as we saluted each other. I felt a little light-headed after knocking that shot down so fast. I had a good relationship with booze, but certain drinks turned me into a lightweight. I felt relaxed and flushed. Shea ordered a bottle of wine for us, which I thought was odd because he always drank beer. I assumed he didn’t want to get too intoxicated and ruin the evening, although I had never seen him actually drunk. We spent the next hour dancing and talking, and he even introduced me to some of his friends. I was having a great time.
“I have to go to the restroom, babe,” I told him as I stood up. Shea began to get up with the full intention of walking me to the restroom. “Jesus, Shea,” I hissed as I forced him to sit back down. “It’s only the washroom.”
“Yeah, well put on your coat at least,” he said, eyeing my blouse and black bra underneath.
I grabbed my purse off the table. “You’re acting ridiculous. I seriously doubt anyone will accost me on my way to the washroom,” I grumbled as I shook my head, walking away.
This was one of those times that I really felt the age difference. As much as I feared losing him, he also worried that someone would steal me away. Somehow, we both needed to get over our anxieties. Maybe I had transferred my insecurities onto Shea. I was sure that, once my divorce was out of the way, I’d be able to breathe easier and not worry so much about my future with Shea.
While standing at the mirror in the bathroom, I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye—Carrie. She seemed to sway slightly, using the wall for support. She had a very short jean skirt on with a bandana top. What an odd choice for an Alaskan February. I didn’t say anything, but I continued touching up my make-up. Ignoring her was the best thing to do. She never said a word, even as our eyes met when I moved to leave. I almost felt like she was assessing me as she stared at my almost visible tattoo under my blouse. It made a chill go up my spine as the door closed on her. Seeing her had been both unnerving and strange. I chose not to say anything to Shea about it tonight. I’d wait and tell him tomorrow.
“So we have a special request for this song. This is for all you lovers out there,” the band announced as I walked back to our table. Shea stood up just as I got there, taking my hand.
“I believe this is our song,” he said, while leading me out to the dance floor.
The band began to play “Slowly Falling,” which was the song we danced to the last time we were here. I also loved this song. I leaned my head against Shea’s muscled chest—feeling, breathing. His arms held me close to him as he whispered words of love to me.
“I’m sure I didn’t really know what love was when I declared mine for you at eight years old. All I knew is the way you treated me made me feel special . . . kind of like the way you still do.” I hugged him around the neck tighter.
“I thought about you every single day you were gone, and no matter how many women I went through and how much I tried, I always knew that no one else would ever make me feel like you do.” His breath caressed my ear, making my nipples taut. As the song ended, he led me back to our table. I sat down and watched as he poured wine into our glasses.
“I’ve thought about this for almost as long as I’ve loved you. I can’t imagine having a life that doesn’t include you. I know you think that my contentment stems from overcoming all the bullshit in my past and finding a profession I truly love and excel at, but in reality, you are my purpose, and the reason I am who I am is because of you. I wanted to be strong, in case you ever came back. I told you before that no matter what I’ve had to endure, I would do it all again, as long as I knew you’d be waiting for me.”
Shea rustled with his jacket, pulling out a very small box—a ring box. I think my mind went blank at that moment as I took a deep breath.
“Please don’t say it’s too soon, because I knew the minute I saw you again that you’re what I want . . . what I’ve always wanted. Please say yes and marry me.” He snapped the ring box open, and I actually felt faint as I looked at the ring. It was big and brilliant, the round diamond sat in the middle with three smaller stones flanking each side, and the band itself was twisted into what appeared to be an X. The strobes in the bar made the diamonds glitter as they caught the light. I watched as he removed the ring from the box, and then he took my hand.
“Say you’ll marry me, Ryan.”
“I think bigamy is illegal in our state,” Carrie shouted as she perched herself close to Shea. My face fell, and my chest suddenly felt crushed as I sat back, closing my eyes. I sensed a ringing in my ears as our surroundings appeared to get quiet. I almost didn’t want to see the look on Shea’s face. It would be too much to bear.
“What the fuck are you talking about, Carrie? Jesus, now . . . honestly, just go away . . . you’re pissing me off. Give up, you and I are never going to happen—ever,” he said with disgust as he glared at Carrie.
“Well, the two of you aren’t going to happen either—ever,” Carrie said with a devious smirk.
“Are you threatening us, Carrie?” Shea grabbed Carrie’s arm as his jaw ticked with anger.
“Ask her, Andrew. She can’t very well marry you since she’s already married.”
Shea’s face filled with confusion, and he levelled a blank stare at me. He slumped back into the seat. He forced my chin up with his finger. “Talk to me Ryan.” His face was filled with doubt and despair. Even through his confusion, I could tell on some level he knew it was true, and the thought was like a knife through my soul. I wanted nothing more than to deny it and scream at Carrie for being such a liar but the words wouldn’t come.
“I-I . . . I tried to tell you,” I stammered, unable to keep my eyes on him because I knew what I just said broke his heart. He backed out of the seat, pulling away from me then and standing up.
“Then it’s true? You’re married, and this was what? A fucking game to you?” he spit out. I looked up at him, afraid when I saw his once beautiful face twisted, red and puffed out with fury. I had always known this betrayal would break us. I watched as his hand gripped the ring so tightly I thought he’d draw blood. Shea put the ring back in its box and snapped it closed. He stood in front of me with his legs spread wide and his arms crossed.
“Who is he? Who the fuck are you married to?” Shea roared, as he bent down towards my face.
My entire body started to shake, and I nearly choked on a swallow, my voice a mere whisper.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m divorcing him.” I paused, trying to fight back the tears. “I tried to tell you . . . you said you didn’t want to know—”
He slammed his fist down on the table, causing my wine to spill. I watched as he combed his fingers through his hair, stopping to rub the back of his neck.
“How long, Ryan, how long have you been someone else’s wife?”
“Does it matter? When I came back here, it was to get away from him. I started a life with you. I love you, Shea, not him, never him . . .” I sobbed as I stared at him, seeing his eyes filled with such disappointment. Carrie stood there, accomplished and proud. She finally pulled us apart. I had no idea how she found out, but now my sadness was replaced with a new realization—fear. If Carrie sought out Garrison, then this would not end well.
I put my head in
my hands and continued to sob quietly. I didn’t even care if Garrison found me. The divorce was going to go through regardless, and if he hurt me, well it’s what I deserved. I betrayed the one person that truly loved me. I reached out to touch Shea and cringed when he pulled away.
“Don’t,” he said as he reached over me and grabbed his coat. “Get Cray to call you a taxi.”
“Shea, please, can we talk this out at home?” I pleaded.
He snickered. “I don’t have a home . . . I need to get some clothes then I’ll go to my mom’s and stay there until I find another place.” My body started shaking as he started towards the exit.
I grabbed onto the bottom of his coat as he tried to leave, “Shea, please.”
“Go home to your husband, Ryan.”
Just then, I heard Carrie ask, “Can you give me a ride home, Andrew?” She said it so sweetly. I felt nauseous just hearing her voice.
“Really, Carrie? You can’t get a fucking cab? Weren’t you just present at the ruination of my fucking life? Jesus, you fucking women have nerve!” he thundered in a cruel and hostile tone. “Whatever . . . let’s just go,” he finally said, grabbing Carrie by the elbow and dragging her towards the front door. He never looked at me once.
I sat immobilized in the booth until Cray came over, sliding next to me. His face was etched in deep lines of sadness as he put his arms around me.
“I called you a cab, Ryan. I’m so sorry . . . I knew he was going to propose but I never imagined it would turn out like this. Are you really married?”
I nodded. “But only for three more months,” I answered putting my coat in my arms.
“Well shit, not trying to get in the middle here, but do you think maybe you should have mentioned that to Andrew?” Cray said as he slid out of the booth, taking my hand to help me stand.
“I tried . . . so many times, and the one time I was definite about it, he decided that he didn’t want to know,” I sniffed as I put on my coat. “It doesn’t matter because I betrayed him and us, and he’ll never forgive me.” I choked back a sob.
Cray gave me a hug. “You don’t know that. He’s young, and young men tend to get over dramatic about things. I see it here in the bar all the time. After he’s had some time, I’m betting he’ll forgive you.”
“You a betting man, Cray, do you ever win?” I asked with a half-smile.
“Haven’t won yet, but there’s always a first time.”
Chapter THIRTY-SIX
I felt emotionally battered and bruised as the taxi took me home. I’d always known this would happen even if I told him. I never lied to Shea—I just withheld vital information. And that little bitch Carrie had finally gotten me back for taking Shea away from her greedy clutches. She got her revenge the minute she told him I was married. I wondered how long she had known about Garrison. She was truly an evil person because she waited until Valentine’s Day, when he asked me to marry him. It must have killed her not to just call him at work or write a letter, spilling my secret. She probably wasn’t even sure I hadn’t told him, considering she had looked a bit surprised herself when Shea reacted the way he did. I felt like this had been well planned on her part, and I only wish I knew if she told Garrison where I was. I would have to contact the lawyer tomorrow and set in motion an order of protection. If Garrison knew where I was now, he’d be coming. It was only a matter of time.
The snow was really coming down as the taxicab pulled up to my house; I paid him then quickly ran for the front door. The house felt really empty without Shea. We’d only been separated an hour and the loneliness was choking me. I went into the bedroom to change and noticed drawers had been pulled open. I looked into his closet and noticed quite a few empty hangers. He’d even taken his cat. He really was gone. I sat on the bed to pull off my boots. It was hard for me decipher why I wasn’t crying hysterically—maybe it was shock, or maybe it was what I deserved. After all, I had been bracing for the fallout from this for months. I had always known that Shea would find out, and even though I had fantasized about him understanding, I knew deep down that he never would.
Once reality set in, I would be devastated. Now that I had found someone who really loved me, I couldn’t imagine a life without him. We had already gone through so much, but I couldn’t even blame him for my deception being his breaking point.
God, how humiliated he must have felt when he had asked me to marry him, only to find out I already had a husband. He had left with Carrie. Were they talking? Were they fucking? I rolled off the bed to go to the bathroom. I stood at the mirror just staring. I shouldn’t have ever gotten involved with Shea. I could have stopped his pursuits just by telling him I was married. What had I done? I added another mark to his already scarred body. But the scar that I had rendered him he would never be able to tattoo over.
“Ryan.” I heard Trina call out. I quickly wiped my face with a wet cloth and dragged myself downstairs to the living room.
“I’m so sorry,” she said as she moved towards me with open arms. “This is my fault, Jesus.” Trina hugged me, but then I pulled out of her embrace and began pacing.
“I screwed up. I didn’t do it on purpose, but it was me . . . I let the cat of the bag,” Trina said, stopping to look at me, her voice cracking. I watched as she shook her head, her shoulders slumping.
“How can this be your fault? You didn’t tell him,” I whispered.
She shook her head again as she faced me. “No, but it’s still my fault because Carrie found out through me.”
My face filled with shock and anger. “What the fuck are you talking about?” I hissed.
“I didn’t do it on purpose. Carrie and I had been always been semi-friends . . . well, actually more like acquaintances, and after Andrew broke it off, I kind of felt sorry for her.” Trina went to sit on the edge of the sofa as I stood in front of her with my arms crossed. “I knew you’d be pissed, so I didn’t tell you that I met her a few times for coffee, and occasionally we’d talk on the phone. It wasn’t anything heavy, but she made me feel like my entire family abandoned her after she and Andrew went their separate ways. You know me . . . I hate to be mean, and even though I can’t say I ever really liked her, I just couldn’t be that big of a bitch and blow her off. Now I wish I had, since she obviously had an ulterior motive. I never told her anything, I swear. I would never do that to you or to Andrew.”
She hugged herself around the waist as her eyes lowered to the ground. “I think she overheard me talking to Quinn on my cell phone about your divorce. I am so, so sorry.” Trina was quietly sobbing. “I’ve made a mess of everything.”
I stood above her and laid my hand on her shoulder. “This mess is my fault. I should have told Shea months ago. I did this—not you.” I moved past her to sit down.
“Well, if it’s any consolation, he’s mad at me too,”
I looked over at Trina and she nodded. “Because he knows I knew. Carrie told him.”
I was seething right now. “Fuck Carrie.” Considering what I just said, that may not be too far off. Shea was so angry with me and he did basically break up with me. Those two things gave him a license to renew his relationship with Carrie and I’m sure she was encouraging him all the way.
“He’ll come around, he can’t stay mad forever,” Trina said patting my arm. I tried to speak but the lump in my throat was constricting. Tears welled up in my eyes.
“He asked me to marry him,” I choked out. Trina was shocked as her hand flew to her mouth. I deduced that she was as surprised as I had been.
“I don’t know what to say,” she said, pressing her back into the sofa. “Andrew never said anything to me about it. I had no idea.” She paused and stared at me. “What did you say?”
“I never had a chance to say jack shit,” I replied coolly. “Carrie showed up to answer for me.” My voice dripped with sarcasm.
“What a mess.”
“I suppose he’s staying at your mom’s house?” I said, standing up. I decided that pacing was bett
er than sitting idle.
“Yeah, that’s what he said to Quinn. Quinn and I offered the guest room to him, but the stupid little shit isn’t talking to me.”
I spun around. “What else did he say?”
Trina’s face turned ashen as her lips pressed together tightly. Her hand gripped her neck as she began to rub, much like Shea did when he was angry or stressed. “He seems to believe it’s over . . . you and him. He’s just angry, Ryan . . . once he calms down . . .”
The actuality of my life smacked me head on when I heard those words. For a moment, I felt light-headed and sick to my stomach, and I couldn’t breathe as my chest tightened. I clutched the front of my throat as a loud sob tore from my lips. I had done this—I had ruined everything. My knees felt wobbly as Trina stood up, reaching out to grab me. I pushed her away because I wanted to suffer in silence—by myself. This was the penalty for not telling Shea. I wanted so much to blame Carrie but, really, it was my fault. Regardless of her own selfish reasons, at least she told him the truth—something I could never do.
“You should go, Trina,” I said, trying to hold back another sob as I handed her coat to her. For a moment, she looked confused.
She shook her head, refusing to take the coat. “I should stay with you—you’re my sister,” she said as tears filled her eyes. “I pushed you two together, and it’s my fault he found out.”
“You never pushed me towards Shea. Honestly, I probably would have ended up with him anyway—the attraction was too strong. Maybe I was flattered that he wanted me—an older woman.”
“Bullshit.” Trina took me by the elbow. “You love each other, and it doesn’t matter how it began—the end result is love. I should have never trusted Carrie. I felt bad for her and she took advantage of it.”
“It doesn’t matter because Shea knows the truth now and he hates me. You should have seen his face. I’m surprised he didn’t murder somebody,” I whispered.
“He’s too in love with you to hate you. My brother asked you to marry him, for God’s sake. You don’t just turn that kind of emotion off.” Trina finally took her coat and started for the door.