Break-Up Club

by Lorelei Mathias

  ‘Your friend is very poorly, I’m afraid. She’s been getting tired from breathing so fast for so long. So in order for us to help her, the doctors have had to insert some breathing apparatus into her throat to make her lungs oxygenate her blood better. In other words, a life-support machine.’

  Bella looked at the others as if to say, what the fuck have I missed?

  They all looked at the doctor in silence, as she went on. ‘In order for this machine to help your friend with her breathing, we have had to temporarily paralyse her muscles. As a result – this may come as a shock – Ms Mah— your friend is now in a coma.’

  ‘BUT SHE NEVER EVEN TAKES THE TUBE!’ Holly shouted. Then, more quietly, ‘How can this be happening?!’

  Bella burst into tears, Holly turned the colour of a Milky Bar and Harry took both of them into his arms.

  He looked up at the doctor. ‘Um, can I just ask – I thought that swine flu only affected really old or really young people?’

  ‘Yes, that’s certainly been the case with previous outbreaks. Usually, if you’re young, fit and healthy you should be able to fight it. But Olivia was, sorry, is quite underweight. There is also another reason why her symptoms could have been exacerbated.’

  ‘What’s that?’ Holly asked.

  ‘Well. Is there any chance that Miss Mahoney might be pregnant?’

  34. Broke-up Club

  When Bella and Holly arrived, the queue to take a ticket was already way out the door. Bella attempted to keep on walking, past the concrete cathedral of gloom, but Holly grabbed her arm.

  ‘No you don’t, Allen. We can do this. I’m right behind you, every step of the way. We’re the Broke-up Club, remember? We’re unstoppable.’

  Bella smiled and gave Holly a squeeze. She took a deep breath and entered the stuffy waiting room that was filled with people of all ages, each bored and depressed in equal measure. They each took a ticket and sat down.

  Holly gave the jobs wall a tentative scan – from nightclub toilet cleaners to bus drivers to call-centre workers – before making the decision to sit down instead. She opened up Story and picked up where she’d left off weeks ago. She didn’t get further than five words in before she noticed Bella’s eyes filling with tears. She followed her gaze to see a newspaper headline on the table in front of them: ‘FIVE MORE LOST TO SWINE FLU AS LATEST EPIDEMIC GRIPS YOUNGER GENERATION’.

  ‘Don’t, B. Don’t look at it.’ Holly swiftly turned the page as if this would make it all go away.

  ‘It’s been two months, Hol. Two months she’s been in a coma now! Two months we’ve been going out of our minds with panic! What if she never wakes up? How long do they leave it before deciding – you know?’

  ‘I know, B, I know. I mean, I don’t know any of the answers,’ she said, giving Bella a reassuring cuddle, ‘but I know what you’re feeling because I’m thinking all the same thoughts too.’ She stopped, having run out of useful things to say or do, and sank back into her chair as a new, equally shocking headline beamed out at them. ‘WIDOW “MINDS THE GAP” .’

  ‘What. The. Shit?’ She grabbed the page with both hands, her pulse quickening. ‘Oh my god, this is just like my film idea. How weird!’ She began to read. ‘It’s exactly my story! Only it’s the other way round. Here, listen to this… “Margaret McCollum, who used to plan the route of her Tube journeys so she could hear her late husband’s voice, was devastated when she found out his recording was no longer being used. She wrote to TFL for a copy of the iconic recording so she could keep the memory herself. But they only went one better than that and actually reinstated it at Embankment tube station.”’ Holly read on, her heart pounding as she took in all of the facts.

  ‘His name was Lawrence! Well, all right, Oswald Laurence. He was an actor, and was the life and soul to all who knew him. He died fifteen years ago.’

  ‘I bet none of his films ever reached such a wide audience as those three little words,’ Bella said, leaning over Holly’s shoulder to see the article. “To know I was going home and could just go to that station and hear his voice was really very special,”’ continued Bella, reading aloud. ‘How beautiful is that?’

  Holly nodded, a lump forming in her throat.

  ‘SEE? Your film – it is a good idea. And it is plausible. Lawrence – your Lawrence, was wrong all along.’

  ‘Yes – this does make it feel more like a story that needs telling now.’

  ‘Too right. It’s a sign! Fate himself has decreed that you must make this film. It is written!’

  ‘I wish it was bloody written already.’

  ‘Plus the fact someone else might read this and think of the film idea now – you’d better hurry up and write it first.’

  ‘Shit, you think so?’

  ‘Yeah, probably. Oh, that’s my number!’ Bella stood up. ‘Right then, positive mental attitude here I go!’ She made the long walk of shame to the allocated desk, where ‘Hello, my name is Bernice’ raised an eyebrow by way of a welcome.

  ‘HELLO!’ Bella said to Bernice, who had sallow skin, a beard of croissant flakes and the kind of vapid eyes that said she’d worked at Harringay Job Centre her whole adult life.

  ‘What do you do, Miss Isabelle?’

  ‘Whatever I like,’ Bella said, giggling.

  Bernice did not look up, and did not smile.

  ‘Sorry. I’ve just always wanted to say that. And you walked right into it…’

  ‘Are you actively seeking gainful employment?’ said Bernice while tapping away and avoiding any danger of eye contact.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you have any distinguishing skill-sets?’

  ‘I’ve worked as a pub singer for the last six years. And I graduated with a degree in Music.’

  ‘So you’re looking for work in the Entertainment sector?’

  ‘Actually I’m after a new departure.’ Bella cleared her throat and smiled. ‘I’ve just been out in India… where I had a bit of an awakening.’

  Bernice’s eyes glazed over.

  ‘I’ve realised that I want to help people for a living. After spending the last year consoling my friends through some pretty dark times, I’ve come to realise that I’m actually quite good at helping people. It’s also the one thing that seems to stop me being such a self-obsessed nincompoop. Putting this together with the fact that I have an incredible singing voice, it suddenly came to me – I should be a music therapist! To heal those less fortunate than I, through the wonders of the noblest of art form!’

  ‘OK. So let me see if I’ve got this. You’re going to enrol in a Music Therapy course?’

  ‘Yes. But they don’t start ’til September, so I need to find something in the interim.’

  ‘Right…’ said Bernice, tapping the keyboard with purpose. ‘OK then. I might have something for you that could be a nice stepping stone in the meantime.’

  ‘Really? Great!’

  ‘Telesales Marketer for a pharmaceuticals firm. Lots of benefits if you meet your targets. Temp to perm, starting AY-SAP.’

  Bella forced a smile. ‘While that sounds absolutely brilliant, Bernice, I’ll have to be honest and say it’s not quite what I had in mind.’

  ‘Things are very quiet at the moment.’

  ‘OK. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to give it a whirl…’ Bella said, feeling her soul wilt a little.

  ‘There is one thing. It’s in Friern Barnet.’

  ‘Right. Is that in London?’

  ‘You can get the number 43 all the way there from Holloway Prison.’

  Bella nodded, feeling her soul keel over.

  ‘That’s if you get it, mind. There are one or two candidates down for interview. In the meantime, if you’d like to fill out one of these for me, and we’ll see if you can’t qualify for Jobseeker’s Allowance.’ Bernice held out a clipboard with a form and Biro attached. Bella took the form and went to sit back down next to Holly.

  ‘I appear to have picked the absolute worst time ever to try and change my career,
’ she mumbled.

  ‘You’re doing the right thing,’ Holly said still eyeing the article, ‘you’re doing the right thing. Say it with me now.’

  ‘Right. I’m doing the right thing. Thanks Hol.’

  As Bella began to fill in form JSA1, she realised her Biro was one of those special ones that only worked if you intermittently dabbed at it with spittle to stop it from drying out.

  ‘Hol, I don’t suppose you have a functioning pen, do you?’

  Holly scrambled in her bag, then shook her head. Bella sighed. She was just getting into a nice rhythm of filling in a box, scribbling on the back of an envelope, licking the pen nib again, filling in a box while suppressing a huff, and so on, when she found herself staring across a crowded job centre at a beautiful blonde man who looked like he’d stepped straight off a surfboard, having ridden a wave all the way here from Newquay. She thought about risking a smile, then felt the urge to check there wasn’t actually a Babylonian goddess more befitting of his calibre sat right behind her. She turned around. All she could see were more depressed unemployed people with clipboards. She turned back round and delivered a broad smile, showing off a full, gleaming set of teeth. Having had her adult braces removed only a year ago, this was still a novelty.

  ‘Hey, did you want to use mine?’ Surfer Dude asked from across the way in a thick Australian accent. ‘I think there’s a little more life in it yet.’ He stood up and traversed the brown synthetic carpet in order to take up the orange plastic seat next to her. Which was possibly the single most romantic thing that had ever happened to her.

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, taking his chipped Biro and trying it out. As she went to look back down at her form, she caught a wink from Holly.

  A few moments later Holly’s number was called. Looking from side to side, she smuggled the newspaper into her bag. ‘Woohoo, that’s me!’ she said, but Bella didn’t hear her; she was too busy marvelling at the bone structure of Surfer Dude.

  ‘What are you even doing here?’ Bella blurted. When he looked startled she added, ‘I mean, what brings you here?’

  ‘Well, since you ask, I’m a stand-up comedian. Except, most of the time I’m sitting down, doing crap temp jobs. It’s turned out to be a lot harder to get good gigs out here than it was in Melbourne.’

  ‘Well, there’s a cracking telesales job in Friern Barnet that’s all yours. I can’t face the interview. Being here’s made me realise, I was perfectly happy in my old job as a penniless pub singer. I’m calling my boss tomorrow; see if he’ll have me back.’

  ‘Strewth. But you must have thrown in the towel for a reason, surely?’

  ‘Well, yes. I’ve decided I want to retrain, to be a Music Therapist… But now I’ve realised that I’m twenty-seven years old and this is the plan of a crazed lunatic!’

  ‘Hey! No idea is crazy. In fact, they say it’s the crazy ones who change things don’t they?’

  Bella smiled at him, noticing that he had one green eye and one brown.

  ‘Surely the real madness would be for you to not give it a try?’

  ‘You really think so?’ she said.

  ‘I know so. I was a management consultant back in Oz for five years on a ridiculous salary, until I realised it wasn’t making me happy. So I quit to do comedy.’

  ‘And now look at you…’ she teased.

  He smiled, sending a swarm of butterflies to her stomach.

  Were they having a moment? Bella smiled back at him and prayed she wouldn’t mess things up this time. Then, pretending just for a second that she was Olivia-on-form, Bella tried something she’d not done in years.

  ‘Um. Don’t feel obliged to say yes, but… once you’ve filled in your JSA1, would you like to go and get a coffee? Or what is it you call them, flat whites?’

  ‘I don’t have anywhere else to be. I am an unemployed bum, after all.’

  Hurrah! Finally she had achieved a certifiable, ask-a-man-out-without mistaking-him-as-a-criminal moment! Liv would be so proud, Bella thought, filling out the rest of her form as fast as her fingers would let her.

  35. Traffic Wardens

  ‘I can’t believe her parents haven’t come back from Aruba for this,’ Bella said. It was a week later, and the three remaining muskahounds were sat on the bus, on their way back from the hospital, sharing a bottle of wine.

  ‘I know! Poor, poor Liv,’ Holly said. ‘She officially wins the Jerry Springer trophy for having the worst parents out of all of us.’

  ‘What are we meant to do? All this waiting is killing me.’

  Holly shot Bella a glare.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said sheepishly.

  ‘We should just keep having meetings, think positive and keep busy,’ Harry said.

  ‘He’s right. How are you getting on with penning your amazing short film, Hol?’

  ‘Not so well actually,’ Holly said, feeling a small gaggle of moths return to her belly.

  ‘What? I thought that freaky news story would be the making of you. The key to unlocking your creativity!’ she said, her eyes lighting up.

  ‘At ease, B. Nope. Turns out it’s still too blooming hard to turn into a script. Lawrence was right. He always said how executing an idea was so much harder than having one. Anyway, none of that matters now because I’ve got an INTERVIEW later! For a call-centre job. Jesus, it sounds even worse saying it out loud. Does anyone have any happy news?’

  ‘I do!’ Bella was now grinning like a Cheshire cat that had found a large tub of double cream on special offer in Aldi. ‘I smiled at a traffic warden today.’

  ‘What?’ Holly said.

  ‘You know, after I left Joel’s house, I just felt so at peace, and so happy for the first time in ages, that I just found myself saying, “Hi, how are you? Have a great day,” TO A TRAFFIC WARDEN as I passed him in the street!’

  They all looked at her in confusion.

  ‘I know it sounds bonkers. But the world IS just better now.’

  ‘Sorry…’ Harry began. ‘Can someone fill me in please? Who the EFF is Joel?’

  ‘Joel is a very lovely man that I’ve been seeing.’

  Harry listened in shock as Bella filled him in on her P45 romance. ‘Wow, so romance really does happen where you least expect it!’

  ‘Indeed! But listen. If anyone should ever ask how we met, remember it was in the street OUTSIDE the job centre in Harringay. Not actually INSIDE. OK?’

  They all nodded.

  ‘Have you done it yet?’

  ‘Oh how I’ve missed you, Dirty Harry! Actually, since you ask, we want to wait. It’s going to be so special, we don’t want to rush it. He’s been so sweet and caring about Liv, too. He’s basically perfect.’

  Holly grimaced. ‘I feel queasy. I’m either contracting swine flu. Or you’re just being über-nauseating.’

  ‘Joy-killer!’ she yelled, ‘You’ll feel like this one day, I promise. You’ll feel a rush of the good butterflies again. And when you do, you won’t look back.’

  Holly gave Bella a ‘you’ve changed’ look, as she went on.

  ‘I’m telling you. I know it’s not been long, but I’ve never felt like this. It’s changed my whole state of mind. And all because I decided to change my career!’

  ‘All right, can I just stop you there?’ Harry said, and Holly winked at him with relief.

  ‘We’re going to have to ask you to leave the club,’ Holly said, ‘I’m sorry. We just can’t be around you when you’re so happy. It’s giving off completely the wrong vibe.’

  ‘Oh shush guys, that’s mean. I actually think it’s healthy for you to be around something slightly more uplifting than usual.’

  ‘You may have a point,’ Harry said. ‘But Bella, with respect, you haven’t known this guy long, so just be careful. Especially since you’ll have all sorts of visa problems if it does get serious. Not to be the Voice of Doom or anything… just don’t be thinking to yourself Joel is “the one”. Not yet, anyway.

  ‘No?’ Bella said, her eyes belying
that it was probably too late for that. ‘Harry’s right. He doesn’t have to be THE ONE. He’s just THE ONE AFTER SAM.’

  ‘The one after Sam,’ Bella repeated, liking how it sounded.

  ‘Exactly. Take the pressure off!’ Harry said.

  ‘OK. Please can I just say one more revolting thing before we move on? I had a bit of a realisation, right. I never truly understood why people get married. Now I get it! It’s not just because you’ve decided they’d be a nice match for you. Spending your life with someone – it’s actually just about wanting to spend more time with them. And instead of days, weeks, years it’s, well, a lifetime. It’s just a way of saying you really, really like spending time together. Do you know what I mean? It’s your way of declaring that forever has really got started.’

  ‘OH! I want my forever to start!’ wailed Holly, overcome with the cheesiness, and taking another huge swig of red wine to wash it down with.

  ‘We can’t rush these things, people. Remember what the great Diana Ross once said…’ Harry mused sagely as they stepped down from the bus.

  ‘Every time you touch me, I become a hero??’ Holly said, blankly.

  ‘No, you numpty. That Motown classic, “You Can’t Hurry Love”!’

  Everyone was silent and contemplative for a few minutes.

  ‘Wasn’t that Phil Collins?’ Bella said, who was promptly hit on the head by Harry.

  ‘Guys. Can we make a pact?’ Holly said as they began walking up the road towards Boozenest. ‘And I’m directing this to Olivia too, even though she can’t hear us… But, if by the time we’re of proper settling age, we still haven’t met anyone we’d like to do the whole forever thing with, we’ll just all live together in a massive pile-on? Can we all go and live in a commune in the country somewhere, with sheep and chickens and LAND? And then, after that, shall we all try and make sure we get a place in the SAME OLD PEOPLE’S HOME and everything? I don’t ever want to be without you guys.’

  Having initially expected a cacophony of enthusiasm, she instead became aware of two things. One, that possibly she was alone in this dream. And two, that Harry looked distinctly uncomfortable.