Did that mean he felt some special affinity for the state? Or was there more to his making a home for himself — the kind of home she had once told him she wanted—so close to where she lived?
Frowning, she glanced at Alex and saw him watching her.
“Something wrong with the spaghetti?” he asked with apparent concern.
Looking down at her plate, Kari realized she’d eaten no more than a bite or two. For the past few minutes, she’d been idly twirling several strands of pasta around the tines of her fork.
“It’s fine, really. Just fine.”
As she lowered her gaze and lifted her fork to her mouth, she chided herself for indulging, yet again, in what could only be wishful thinking.
Why on earth would Alex buy a piece of property with her in mind? He’d walked away from her without a backward glance six years ago. Since then she hadn’t seen hide nor hair of him. Not until a few days ago. And then, only because Devlin and Laura had brought them together for Andrew’s christening.
And she certainly wasn’t here now because that’s what he wanted. He hadn’t brought her to his home of his own free will, but rather as favor to her beloved brother. And once he’d done what he seemed to consider his duty, he would no doubt be glad to get rid of her again.
With a sigh of regret, Kari finished her spaghetti, then pushed her empty plate away and sat back in her chair. For her own good, she was going to have to stop grasping at straws. And yet...
As her gaze wandered back to the horse barn, she found herself wondering—again—why Alex had chosen to make his home in a place that epitomized her dream. Given his reluctance to talk about it, she wondered, too, if she would ever know.
Of course, she hadn’t begun to bedevil him with questions yet. She had backed off a few minutes ago, but only to give herself time to think before ruffling his feathers any further. Earlier she’d vowed she was going to get some answers out of him before they went their separate ways. Now she was more determined than ever to follow through with that plan.
Beside her, Alex stood and stacked her empty plate atop his.
“The brownies should be just about ready to come out of the oven.” He set their plates and silverware on one of the trays, then added the bread basket and the bowl of leftover spaghetti. “I’d better check on them.”
“Want some help cleaning up the kitchen?” Kari offered, standing, as well.
“Thanks for asking, but there’s not much to do.” He lifted the laden tray and turned away.
Willing herself not to be bothered by his standoffishness, she hurried ahead of him and opened the door. Obviously there were some things—like his property—that he didn’t want to talk about. But if he thought distancing himself from her would deter her, he was in for a big surprise.
“Will you drink some coffee if I make a fresh pot?” he asked as he moved past her.
“Sure.”
After sleeping away most of the day, the last thing she needed was another dose of caffeine. She’d have enough trouble sleeping tonight. But she couldn’t imagine eating a brownie without also indulging in a cup of coffee. She loved the way the dark, bitter brew enhanced the sweet, rich taste of chocolate too much to forgo it. And she’d already denied herself the pleasure of having a glass of wine as well as lolling naked in the hot tub.
Too restive to sit again while Alex was in the house, Kari walked along the deck as she had earlier. The sun had begun to dip behind the treetops, lengthening the shadows spreading across the lawn while at the same time bathing the barn in a golden glow. Pausing, she flattened her palms against the railing and leaned forward, unaccountably drawn by the white, wood-frame building.
It wasn’t all that large. Nor was it all that new. But to her it seemed just right. At least from what she could see of the outside.
“We can take a walk out there if you want,” Alex said as he came to stand beside her.
Disconcerted, she glanced up at him, then looked away again. She hadn’t meant to let him catch her daydreaming, but he’d crossed the deck so quietly he’d caught her by surprise.
She certainly didn’t want to give her thoughts away. Not when they were so ludicrous. Yet she couldn’t seem to make herself refuse his offer, either. Pretending that kind of nonchalance was simply beyond her.
“All right,” she agreed, hoping she didn’t sound quite as eager as she was.
Alex led the way down the short flight of steps off to one side of the hot tub. Then they walked across the lawn side by side, neither of them speaking as the evening breeze ruffled their hair. When they reached the barn, Alex punched in a code on the keypad beside the door, ushered her into the surprisingly cool, dark interior and flipped a switch.
Blinking in the sudden bright light, Kari moved away from him, walking slowly, wonderingly, between the rows of tidy box stalls. She counted ten on each side, all empty except for a scattering of fresh straw on the floor. At the far end, one doorway opened into a tack room, also empty, while another led into an office.
Stepping across the threshold, she saw that the previous owners had left behind a small wooden desk and chair, a four-drawer metal filing cabinet and an old refrigerator. All ready for someone to move in. Someone other than her.
“So, what do you think?” Alex asked as he joined her in the office.
“It’s very nice,” she replied, cursing the slight quaver she heard in her voice. “You’ve invested wisely.”
Why was she tormenting herself this way? Anyone with any sense would have given the damn barn a wide berth. But not her. Oh, no. She had to go and tease herself with what-ifs that would never be.
Granted, where Alexander Payton was concerned she’d never been able to think straight. But she wasn’t an innocent young girl anymore. She was a grown woman, and as such, the time had come for her to face reality.
She could fantasize all she wanted about their living happily ever after as husband and wife, raising kids and horses here. But Alex didn’t love her as she still foolishly loved him. And without that essential element, they had no future together. None whatsoever.
Turning, she brushed past him, afraid that if she stayed there any longer she’d end up crumpling into a little heap and sobbing her heart out like a disenchanted child.
“Kari, wait,” Alex called after her.
Ignoring him, she hastened past the empty stalls. She had almost made it to the open doorway, when he caught up with her, halting her with a hand on her shoulder.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, turning her to face him.
As she met his gaze, she saw the confusion in his eyes, the same confusion she’d heard in his voice, and realized he didn’t have a clue why she’d left him standing alone in the office. And she wasn’t about to enlighten him. Not when all she’d get in return was his pity.
“Nothing.” Forcing herself to smile, she shook her head. “Nothing at all.”
“You seemed upset a moment ago.” Not quite convinced, he eyed her steadily as he gently kneaded her shoulder.
“Why would I be upset?” she countered, shrugging away from his all-too-comforting touch.
“I don’t know.” Obviously still uncertain, Alex frowned down at her. “But are you?”
“Of course not,” she replied, turning toward the doorway again. “I really enjoyed seeing your barn.” Airily, she waved a hand at the stalls. “Like I said, it’s very nice.”
As she walked outside, Kari was tempted to head for the long, curving drive that would take her to the six miles of gravel lane and, eventually, the main road to...wherever. Getting as far away from Alex as quickly as possible suddenly seemed like the smartest thing she could do. The longer she stayed with him, the more heartache she was going to bring upon herself.
What difference did it make why he’d left her? Or why, for that matter, he’d bought this place? He had made sure she understood that he didn’t want her to be a part of his life. So why not just accept it and be gone?
Of course, s
he’d still have to deal with Brandon, she thought, gazing longingly into the distance. And stumbling around alone in the dark, more than likely lost—as she’d no doubt end up doing at this time of night—wasn’t exactly her idea of fun.
Cursing her predicament for the umpteenth time, Kari reluctantly turned toward the house. For now, she was stuck here with Alex. Which meant she was going to have to toughen up emotionally. Either that, or leave well enough alone where he was concerned.
She’d been so sure that knowing why he’d left her would loosen the hold he still seemed to have on her heart. But maybe ignorance was bliss after all. Going on as she had for the past six years just might be easier on her in the long run.
Her shoulders slumping, she climbed the steps to the deck, then glanced back to see where Alex was. Not far behind her, she noted glumly, though she hadn’t heard him crossing the lawn. And in the growing darkness his expression was unreadable.
She thought about retreating to the back bedroom again. But hiding out now would only make it that much more difficult for her to face him in the morning, admit that she’d lied, then ask for his help.
Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place.
Her hands clenched into fists, Kari strode across the deck to the table and sat in her chair. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or cry. But she knew that if she dared do either, there was good chance she wouldn’t be able to stop.
“Ready for dessert?”
As Alex paused by her side, he eyed her warily just as he had when she’d joined him in the kitchen earlier. Despite the light pouring through the windows, he couldn’t see her face. But he knew she was upset. Whether she wanted to admit it or not. And for the life of him, he didn’t know why.
“If you are,” she replied, her tone much too cheery considering how rattled she’d been out in the barn.
“I’ve got a carton of vanilla ice cream in the freezer. Want a scoop on your brownie?”
“Sure.”
Reluctantly, he turned away. He hated leaving her alone. Not because he thought she’d take off. He figured she had more sense than that. But he was concerned about her sudden mood swings.
After their exchange in the bedroom, he’d thought she would skip dinner just to be obstinate. So of course he’d wondered what she was up to when she wandered into the kitchen and offered her assistance. She had seemed to want nothing more than to make peace. And he had gladly gone along with her, following her lead.
He had thought she might be ready to tell him what was really going on at Selby Stables. But so far she hadn’t mentioned it.
None too eager to stir her up again, Alex hadn’t broached the subject, either. He’d wanted to enjoy her company, at least for a little while. And he most certainly had. Until she’d started questioning him about his property.
As he sliced the brownies, scooped ice cream and poured coffee, he admitted that her persistence had made him extremely uncomfortable. She had poked and prodded, seemingly intent on finding out exactly why he’d bought what she’d been correct in assuming had once been a horse farm.
There had been no way he could tell her the truth. Not without revealing the depth of his feelings for her. Feelings he had no right to act upon except in the most circumspect of ways.
Here he had been able to hold her close in mind if not in body. Here he had been able to imagine her riding like the wind across the far pasture or working patiently to teach a small child—their small child—the finer points of horsemanship.
But he could never allow her to know that. Not when he couldn’t allow himself to turn such fantasies into reality. He’d led her on once and hurt her deeply. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, do that to her again.
She’d seemed satisfied with the answer he’d finally given her. At least enough to stop questioning him. But unfortunately, he hadn’t had sense enough to let it go at that.
When he’d caught her standing on the deck, gazing at the barn, her longing obvious, he’d wanted her to see it up close. He wasn’t sure why. Perhaps so she’d give it her seal of approval.
And she had. With a kind of sadness that had torn at his heart. As though she, too, had been imagining all that might have been if only he could have trusted himself.
But no. She couldn’t possibly have been entertaining that particular flight of fancy—not hating him the way she surely must after all he’d done to hurt her. Such wishful thinking was his, and his alone. And he’d do well to remember it.
He added a couple of citronella candles and a book of matches to the tray holding their coffee and dessert. Then, juggling it in one hand, he managed to open the door on his own.
From her place at the table, Kari glanced up at him and started to stand.
“I’ve got it,” he said, pulling the door closed.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized, sounding sincere. “I should have given you a hand instead of sitting here waiting to be waited on.”
“Hey, I don’t mind. After all, you’re my guest.”
“Well, I guess you could say that,” she retorted, her quiet voice heavily laced with sarcasm.
“Don’t tell me you’re still mad at me for kidnapping you,” he teased, admiring her spirit in spite of himself.
Had she been the docile type, he would have had an easier time of it. But no matter how aggravating she could be, he liked her just the way she was.
“All right, I won’t.”
She helped herself to a brownie topped with vanilla ice cream, and a mug of coffee, while he set the candles on the railing and lit them. In the flickering light, she regarded him steadily for several seconds, then dug into her dessert.
Luckily, looks couldn’t kill, Alex thought, smiling to himself. Otherwise he’d be dead and gone. Still, he was definitely skating on thin ice with her.
For whatever reason, she’d stopped fighting him. But she wasn’t quite ready to confide in him yet. Until he could win her over completely, he’d have to at least try to mind his manners.
But she was so damn teasable. She always had been. Which was only one of the many reasons he’d fallen in love with her in the first place. She’d brought out the boy in him. The boy his sadistic parents had come all too close to destroying—
“If you’re not going to eat that, I’ll be glad to take it off your hands and dispose of it properly.”
Drawn from his reverie, he eyed her with amusement.
“Oh, really?”
“Well, I can’t see letting a perfectly good brownie go to waste,” she replied.
“Perfectly good?”
“All right, absolutely fabulous,” she amended, albeit grudgingly.
With an audible sigh, she popped the last bite of her brownie into her mouth and sat back in her chair.
“I’m going to eat mine, but if you want another, help yourself.”
“Much as I’d love to, I’d better not.” She shifted in her chair, tucking one leg up under her, and stared out into the darkness. “It’s really pleasant out here. Living so close to San Antonio, I forget how cool it gets at night in the Hill Country. And it’s so peaceful. Considering the kind of work you do, I’m not surprised you come here when you have time off.”
“It’s a nice change,” Alex conceded, surprised she was making an effort at polite conversation. Surprised and slightly suspicious.
He had assumed she would beat a hasty retreat to her room once they’d finished dinner. But she seemed to want to talk. About him.
“Of course, from what Devlin said, your stay in Mexico must have been kind of dull compared with some of the other places you’ve been.”
“Collecting and analyzing information isn’t exactly my specialty. But McConnell needed someone down there when your brother left, and I was at loose ends.” He pushed his empty plate away and reached for his mug of coffee. “I agreed to take over until a permanent replacement could be found.”
Alex didn’t mind discussing his work with Kari. She was aware of what he and Devlin did
for a living. And in the past, she had always been fascinated by their adventures—what they’d been able to tell her about them.
“And you’re on leave now?”
“For four weeks.”
“Then what?” she asked, turning to look at him.
“Then I’ll head back to Virginia, prove to McConnell that I’m fit enough to go out in the field again, and take whatever he’s got to offer in the way of covert operations in the Middle East.”
“I thought maybe you’d be ready to give that up. After last year...”
She regarded him steadily, an odd expression on her face. As if what he’d just said had filled her with regret. But that would mean she still cared for him, and he knew better than to think that was possible.
“Not me. Sifting data in Mexico was boring as hell. And I’d go crazy sitting behind a desk the way your brother does now. I like working covert operations. I’m good at it, and I don’t have anyone to worry about except myself,” he stated pragmatically.
“No, I guess you don’t, do you?”
Though she’d agreed with him easily enough, Alex could have sworn he’d heard a slight catch in her voice. And for just an instant, before she turned her face away, he thought he saw what he could only describe as anguish in her eyes.
Again he told himself he must be mistaken. After the way he’d hurt her, what difference could it make to her whether he lived or died?
“Hey, you used to think spy work was exciting,” he said, hoping to lighten her mood by using the description she’d once applied to his job.
“I used to think riding bareback without a helmet at a full gallop across an open field was exciting, too.” She shifted in her chair again and stood, then added a little too brightly, “But I guess I’ve gotten more cautious in my old age. Maybe too cautious.”
Utterly dismayed by her casual comment, Alex stared at her.
“Tell me you didn’t do that,” he demanded.
The Lady And Alex Payton Page 9