Curious about what had caused the clerk’s sudden change in manner, Kari glanced over her shoulder and saw Alex striding toward them. He met her gaze for a moment, his expression cool and aloof, then turned his attention to the woman behind the desk.
“Ms. Gray is with me,” he stated without inflection.
“Oh, of course, Mr. Payton,” the clerk replied, making no effort at all to hide her disappointment as she regarded Kari with a critical eye. “Enjoy your stay with us.”
Your stay with us?
Looking from one to the other, Kari wondered what was going on. Intent on finding out, she started to speak. But before she could get a word out, Alex took her upper arm in a firm grip, turned her toward the elevators and marched her across the lobby. Angered by his high-handed behavior, she tried to pull away, but he kept ahold of her easily enough.
“What are you doing?” she demanded as one of the elevator doors opened and he drew her inside the empty car.
“Taking you up to our room,” he replied, pushing the button for the top floor.
“Our room?”
“Don’t worry. The suite has two bedrooms. You can have your choice.”
“But why—”
“Parts of the road out to the ranch are underwater.”
“Oh.”
The elevator glided to a stop and the doors slid open again. Still holding her by the arm, he led her down the quiet hallway to their two-bedroom suite.
Wouldn’t want to risk having her throw herself at him again, would he? she thought bitterly as he slid the magnetic card into the slot and unlocked the door.
Inside, he finally released her and she moved away quickly, crossing to the bank of windows lining the wall as he switched on a couple of brass lamps. Beyond the glass, she could see a long, narrow balcony furnished with wrought-iron chairs and a small table, all wet with the rain.
Familiar with the hotel, she knew the room overlooked a secluded section of the River Walk. Had the night been clear, the view would have been lovely. As it was, she found it rather dreary. But that suited her mood just fine.
“Are you hungry?” Alex asked, pausing beside her.
She shrugged noncommittally.
“We can eat in the hotel dining room or the coffee shop, or just order room service if you’d prefer.”
He was being so polite, so damned polite she wanted to scream. Instead she shrugged again, taking pleasure in the flicker of annoyance that crossed his face.
“Just let me know what you want to do.”
Tie you to the bed and threaten to have my wicked way with you unless you tell me why you cut and run every time we come close to making love.
Stunned by that thought, Kari looked away as a blush warmed her cheeks. Hadn’t he shot her down twice already? So why was she even contemplating setting herself up for another fall?
Granted, there was an old saying about the third time being the charm, but she had no reason to believe that meant it always proved true. And just because Kevin Wyatt had said Alex loved her didn’t mean she could risk acting accordingly.
Kevin might consider himself observant, but he’d spent only a few hours with Alex. And Alex had always been a master at hiding his innermost thoughts.
Still, she couldn’t quite rid herself of the feeling that if she tried one more time she might finally get the answers she needed, and maybe, just maybe, the response she wanted from him, as well. They had been apart for so long; yet somewhere deep in her heart she’d never stopped believing they belonged together. And, as Kevin had so accurately guessed, she didn’t really have anything to lose by going after what she wanted.
“How did your meeting with Raymond Fairchild go?” Alex asked.
He moved away from her so quickly she wondered if he’d read her thoughts.
“Just fine.” Turning, she watched as he slouched onto the gold-and-white-striped love seat, his back to her.
What would he do if she set about seducing him? Not boldly, but with a subtle sensuality that would surely catch him unawares. He’d kissed her last night at her invitation, but only because his guard had been down. As she remembered those moments now with a clearer head, she knew that once he’d started, he hadn’t found it easy to stop.
Unfortunately, she had no experience luring a man into her bed. None whatsoever. Had the lights not gone out last night, she would never have thrown herself into his arms. That action had been purely instinctual. And she doubted he would let her get away with it again tonight, no matter how the storm worsened.
Feeling utterly dejected, Kari looked out the window once more.
“‘Just fine’? What’s that supposed to mean?” Alex asked, a thread of impatience obvious in his voice. “Did Fairchild agree to Wyatt’s plan or what?”
“Eventually,” she replied. “Kevin explained the situation to him over lunch. Then we went back to his office and waited while he came to a decision. Knowing Mr. Fairchild, he probably wanted to consult with his lawyer...at the very least.”
Tired of standing, Kari moved away from the window. But instead of sitting in one of the floral-patterned armchairs across from Alex, she sat beside him on the love seat, leaving only a few inches between them. When he glanced at her warily, she regarded him with a “why not?” look in her eyes.
“So that’s what took you so long.”
“What did you think we were doing?” she asked, irritated by his snide tone. Then she added before she could stop herself, “Having sex in the back seat of Kevin’s car?”
“Well, that would explain the tender little scene I witnessed outside the hotel when he dropped you off,” Alex drawled, evidently unfazed by her attempt to bait him.
“What tender little—” she began, then remembered the chaste kiss Kevin had given her in farewell. “He kissed me on the cheek.”
“Obviously he prefers to be discreet in public. But for your sake, I hope he’s not quite so mannerly in private. I wouldn’t think you’d be satisfied—”
“Shut up, Alex. Just . . . shut... up.”
Angrily, she stood, hands clenched at her sides, and glared at him. How could he talk with such total detachment about her and Kevin having sex? Surely he had to be bothered by the idea. But he didn’t seem to care at all.
“You didn’t have to come back here, you know,” Alex said.
He was rubbing salt in her wounds—whether knowingly or unknowingly, she wasn’t quite sure.
“You could have left a message for me saying you’d decided to stay with him.”
“I didn’t want to stay with him. I wasn’t even with him in the first place. At least not the way you mean. I wanted to come back here. I wanted to be with you.”
To her dismay, tears stung her eyes, blurring her vision. Refusing to let him see her weep, she spun around and started forward, only to stumble into a low table. Off balance, she began to fall forward, but in an instant Alex was on his feet. With a muttered curse, he caught her behind her knees and at her shoulders, lifted her deftly into his arms and sat down again.
“Let me go,” she demanded, her voice quavering.
“So you can land flat on your pretty face? I don’t think so.”
“You’re a real bastard, you know,” she whispered, then leaned against his chest with a deep, shuddering sigh and, forfeiting what little pride she had left, began to sob.
“Yeah, I know.”
With a sigh of his own, he tightened his hold on her, one hand stroking her hair with a gentleness that made her cry even harder.
After what seemed like a very long time, she slowly regained control. Aware of the spectacle she’d made of herself, she wanted nothing more than to crawl off and hide, but she couldn’t seem to find the strength to move away from Alex. And he seemed perfectly content to go on holding her.
Shifting slightly, he pulled a fresh handkerchief from his pocket and pressed it into her hand. She accepted it gratefully, wiped away the last of her tears and blew her nose.
“Better?”
he asked.
“Not really,” she replied, unable to be anything but honest with him.
“I had no right saying what I did to you. I’m sorry, Kari. Truly sorry.”
“Did you really think—”
“I wasn’t sure what to think. You were gone much longer than I expected you’d be. And then when I saw you with Wyatt outside the hotel...” She felt him shrug. “He’s a good man. The kind of man you deserve.”
“And you’re not?” she asked, tilting her head up to meet his gaze.
He probably didn’t realize it, but he had finally given her an idea why he’d walked out on her all those years ago. And she had every intention of using what he’d said to her advantage.
“No,” he stated simply. “I’m not.”
“But how can you say that?” she demanded. “You’re as good and decent as—”
“Take my word for it, Kari. I’m not what you think I am. I never have been, and I never will be.”
“I can’t do that. I know you and I—”
“You know nothing about me,” he shot back. “Nothing that really matters in the long run.”
“Then tell me. Tell me what you believe will really matter to me in the long run.” She reached up and touched his cheek, willing him to look at her. “Tell me. what it is that’s keeping us apart.”
“Hasn’t it occurred to you that maybe I’m just not interested? That sexually you leave me cold?”
His cruel words stung. But only for a moment. She was aware of what he was trying to do, and she wasn’t about to be deterred. She was too close to getting the truth out of him, and she wasn’t going to blow it by letting him make her mad.
“That thought has crossed my mind,” she said softly, threading her fingers through the shaggy curls at his nape as she feathered her lips along his jaw. “But I’ve dismissed it as a silly notion.”
Smiling at the way his pulse quickened, she pressed her open mouth to the hollow at the base of his throat and licked at him with the tip of her tongue.
With a groan, Alex tried to ease her away, but she settled her bottom more firmly in his lap, rubbing against him as her lips played along the side of his neck.
“So, I leave you sexually cold, huh?” she murmured. “Alex, you lie.”
She was making him crazy, and any minute now he was going to... going to...
She wriggled against him again, this time with a barely audible whimper, and he realized that somehow his hand had moved to her breast. As if of their own volition, his fingers played over her nipple, and he felt it harden beneath the fabric of her clothing.
Too much clothing. Clothing he wanted out of the way. As did she, he thought, aware of her hands on his belt buckle.
He had to stop her. Otherwise he wasn’t going to be able to stop himself. He’d wanted her for ten years, ten long, lonely years. And seeing her with Wyatt that afternoon—seeing him draw her close and kiss her—had been almost more than he could bear. Now the urge to take her, to make her his and his alone, was surging beyond his control.
Only if she pulled away in horror and disgust, only if she warded off his advances as she would those of a beastly creature, only then would he be able to let her go. As willful and wanting as she was now, she’d do that only if she knew the truth about him.
With what little willpower he had left, Alex put his hands on her shoulders and held her away. When she gazed up at him, her eyes bleary with confusion, he spoke to her harshly.
“Listen to me, Kari. Listen to me and listen good.”
She stared at him, her tear-stained face pale. But her calm, quiet voice was filled with determination as she answered him.
“It won’t make any difference, Alex. No matter what, it won’t make any difference to me at all.”
“You say that now. But you don’t know what I am. Or what I could become.”
Her faith in him seeming not to waver in the least, she continued to meet his gaze as she waited wordlessly for him to say his piece. Years ago, she had looked up to him in the same way she had looked up to Devlin. As if he were some kind of hero. And despite what he’d done to her, he realized that she still did.
Now, destroying that image once and for all seemed to him the only way to end what he never should have begun. Knowing that he couldn’t risk having the kind of permanent relationship with her that she not only wanted but deserved, he’d tried to keep his hands off her. Tried and failed, not once or twice, but three times.
Heaven help him, be was only human, and he wanted her more than life itself. But taking her without telling her the truth about himself would be dishonest. And once the truth had been told...
Just do it, damn it. Do it and get it over with.
Wanting to hold her a few moments longer, yet needing to put some distance between them, he lifted her off his lap and set her on the love seat. Then, ignoring her murmured protest, he stood and crossed to one of the chairs. Halting behind it, he faced her again.
“Just after my eighth birthday, I stood by the front window of the house where I lived in Philadelphia, watched my parents drive away, and as I’d done every time they left me, I wished with all my heart that they’d never come back. That afternoon my wish finally came true. They were killed in an automobile accident.
“When the police came to the house and gave the news to the housekeeper, for just a moment I was...overjoyed. But only for a moment. They were my parents. I was supposed to love them, not hate them. Not want them dead. Yet I knew that now they could never hurt me again. Of course I considered the possibility that someone else might pick up where they left off. But I also believed that maybe, just maybe, I might finally be safe.”
From where she sat, hands clenched together in her lap, Kari stared at him, her eyes wide with confusion, seeming unable to comprehend what he was telling her.
“But I don’t—”
“Understand?” He spoke for her, hearing the hard edge rimming his voice. “Well, then, let me enlighten you.”
Gripping the back of the chair, he smiled bitterly as he continued.
“My father was a so-called self-made man, a nouveau riche social climber who rightly equated money with power. My mother was fifteen years younger, an aging fashion model with a taste for the good life. They enjoyed playing brutal, abusive, humiliating games with each other and, eventually, with me.
“Why they brought me into the world I’ll never know. Perhaps out of boredom. Until I was about three or four, my mother kept me away from my father as much as possible. But then she must have needed something to keep him interested, and I happened to be it.
“They were careful never to leave any marks on me, any visible marks. And they made sure I understood nobody would believe me if I spoke of what was done to me in the privacy of their bedroom. They employed nannies and housekeepers, but upon being hired, the women were always told that I lied to get attention. Since they were let go after six months, they were never around long enough to learn differently.
“When I started school—an exclusive private school—my teachers were told the same thing. I never even thought of going to one of them. But my second-grade teacher took a special interest in me. She was young and sweet and so approachable. She was worried because I always looked so sad. She kept asking questions. So many questions. One day, I finally broke down and told her how my parents hurt me.
“I just knew she would believe me, and I thought that she would find a way to help me. But within a few days she was gone. My parents made my life even more of a living hell after that. So of course I never talked about what they did to me again. Until now.”
Unable to bear the look of horror dawning in Kari’s eyes, Alex turned and walked to the window.
“As I said, I was glad when they were killed. Luckily, the state found a distant cousin willing to take me in. She was in her sixties and had never been married, but she welcomed me into her solitary life and was good to me in her own way. She wasn’t openly affectionate, but she saw to it
that I had the best of everything my parents’ money could buy.”
He paused again, leaning his forearm against the glass, and watched the rain fall. Somehow he had thought that talking about his past would be more painful. But so much time had passed since he’d been that small, frightened, helpless little boy that it almost seemed as if he were speaking of someone else. And though he hated the thought of Kari recoiling from him in distaste—as she must surely-be doing—he felt oddly relieved at having finally come clean with her.
“Alex, I...I don’t know what to say,” she murmured.
“Not a pretty story, is it?” Still not quite ready to face her again, he continued to gaze out the window.
“No, not very pretty at all.”
There was an odd catch in her voice, as if she might cry again.
He didn’t want her to do that. Didn’t want her weeping for him. Her tears wouldn’t change anything.
“It happened a long time ago. But you must realize that considering my background, I could end up being just as abusive as my father under certain circumstances.” He hesitated, searching for the words that would ultimately drive the final wedge between them, then added, “You must see now that I’m not someone with whom you ought to be on intimate terms. I’m damaged goods, Kari, and nothing will ever change that.”
“Is that why you walked out on me six years ago? Because you were afraid that one day you’d turn into your father?” she asked with surprising calm.
“You talked about marriage and children. I knew that’s what you wanted, what you deserved. But not with someone like me. I couldn’t lead you on. I couldn’t let you think there was a chance of any permanency between us. Not when there was a possibility that I might hurt you one day, physically as well as emotionally.”
Behind him, he heard movement. Looking up, he saw Kari’s reflection beside his own in the glass. An instant later he felt her arm slip around his waist and her head rest upon his shoulder. Stunned, he gazed down at her, but she seemed content to stare out the window.
The Lady And Alex Payton Page 15