United by Their Royal Baby

by Therese Beharrie

  His heart sprinted towards an unknown finish line as her hands ran over his skin, heating his body until he thought he would combust. Her lips moved from his to kiss his jaw, his neck, her tongue joining to tease him. To drive him crazy. She lifted her head, smiling up at him in a heady way that had the same effect as her kisses.

  And then she froze, and he saw the transformation in her eyes.

  Lust and desire turned to fear and embarrassment. The colour in her cheeks faded so quickly he worried she would faint. But she just took a step back, and then waved a hand at him and turned away. It took him a moment to realise she wanted him to button his shirt and he made quick work of it, his body’s denied desires making him edgy.

  Making him ignore what his experiment had confirmed.

  ‘I’m done,’ he said tersely, and went to the decanter next to his desk for a drink—just as much for thirst as for sanity—and then he set the glass down and squared his shoulders.

  ‘I’m sorry. I should have...’ Her voice faded, and she looked more vulnerable than he liked.

  ‘It wasn’t you,’ he replied. ‘It was me. I wanted to—’

  ‘You wanted to what?’

  ‘Nothing.’ What was the point in telling her? It wouldn’t take away the dread or fear at the realisation of the extent of his feelings for her. In fact, it only added to it. Because if he told her, she would feel the need to respond. And he didn’t want her to respond. ‘We need to make a decision about Zacchaeus.’

  Accepting the shift in his focus, she gave him a quick nod. ‘What did Nalini say?’

  ‘She’ll do it.’

  ‘You told her she didn’t have to, though, right?’

  ‘Of course I did,’ he snapped. ‘I even warned her about all the delightful things she can come to expect.’

  Her eyebrows lifted. ‘Like moody men?’

  ‘And women in denial,’ he shot back, and then shook his head. Told himself to stay on topic. ‘She’s aware of what she’s agreeing to. As much as she can be.’

  ‘So we’re negotiating,’ she said. ‘That’s the best option we have, I suppose.’

  ‘The safest one, too.’

  She nodded, and then sank into the chair behind her. ‘Does this mean the nightmare is over?’

  He felt himself softening. ‘I’m afraid not.’

  ‘No, of course not.’ She pursed her lips. ‘Now we find out what trouble Zacchaeus has got himself—and us—into.’

  ‘You know, when he told us that things were complicated on Kirtida, I believed him.’

  ‘I did, too. He sounded sincere.’

  ‘Like the Zacchaeus we knew.’

  ‘Maybe,’ she considered. ‘But then, forcing your sister to marry him isn’t entirely like the man we knew.’

  ‘I don’t blame him, though,’ Xavier admitted. ‘I hate that it’s Nalini, but wouldn’t you want to have the same guarantee as the other members of a three-way alliance?’

  She was silent for a moment and then said, ‘I think if this wasn’t personal and we saw it completely from a business point of view, then yes, I’d agree. And I’d probably do worse if my kingdom was on the line.’

  ‘And you did, didn’t you?’ It was a joke, but he’d felt his chest tighten at her words—at the reminder of her duty—and he didn’t want to go there again. Perhaps to prove to himself that he could.

  But then she settled a hand on her belly, a soft smile on her lips, and he felt as though someone had squeezed his heart in their hand.

  It was such a simple gesture but it had all the pictures he’d fought off over the last two days reeling through his mind. Pictures of her with a rounded belly. Beautiful. Graceful. Strong. He imagined their first doctor’s appointment, and hearing their baby’s heartbeat for the first time. Touching her stomach to feel their child kick. Holding him or her for the first time.

  He’d imagined it all so often when he’d been young, so in love with her that it had made him dream of a future that he suddenly felt incredibly lucky to have. Because of that, those pictures now felt like memories, not images of the future. And it told him that being in love with Leyna had never been a choice for him.

  Knowing the effect of that on his marriage too was hard to accept. He’d tried to deny it, had thought he’d put the nail in its coffin when Erika had asked him about Leyna. How could he not? He’d been married and his wife had questioned his feelings for another woman. So he’d shunned them, painting what he’d felt for Leyna with shame and anger.

  The light, the goodness his feelings now shone with, told him he’d turned a corner. But he wasn’t entirely sure what to do about it.

  ‘Is that all?’ Leyna asked now, her eyes careful.

  ‘No.’ He took a breath. ‘I want to talk about the kiss.’

  She blinked. ‘What?’

  Since he’d been taken aback by it, too, he understood the reaction. But, now that he’d said it, he realised that his heart had prompted the words, showing him what he needed to do about those feelings. So he said it again.

  ‘I want to talk about that kiss.’

  ‘I...I don’t think that’s a good idea.’

  ‘But I do.’ He took a seat across from her. ‘For a long time I thought I hated you.’ He saw her wince, but told himself it would be worth it. ‘I didn’t, not really, but when you broke my heart I thought I did. I certainly blamed you for it, and the resentment that went along with that blame...’ He released a shaky breath. ‘It was intense—intensely negative.’

  ‘Why...why are you telling me this?’

  ‘I’m getting there,’ he replied, and then continued before he lost his nerve. ‘It was a...a shock, when you told me that you blamed me, too. And rightly so, I now realise. I should have seen how much you were suffering. How scared you were—’

  ‘Xavier—’

  ‘No, I’m not done. I should have been there for you, Leyna. I should have fought for you. I should have.’

  ‘But I told you I didn’t love you and gave you no reason not to believe me.’

  ‘Except a twenty-year friendship that should have told me to at least try.’

  ‘I shouldn’t have blamed you,’ she said softly. ‘I was angry and—’

  ‘Why are you giving me so much slack?’

  ‘Why are you being so hard on yourself?’ she shot back. ‘Is it because you’ve finally realised how unfair you’ve been to yourself with Erika and now you’re doing it with me?’

  * * *

  As soon as she’d said it, she regretted it.

  ‘Oh, Xavier, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—’ She covered her face with a shaky hand and commanded herself to pull it together. But she felt so incredibly raw, so incredibly vulnerable after realising she loved him that she didn’t want to delve any further into her emotions.

  It might have been a cowardly thing to do, but she’d been brave enough already in facing her feelings that week. Perhaps even that year. She didn’t need to think about the emotions swirling inside her after her realisation.

  His face had lost some of its colour, but Xavier merely said, ‘It was a fair assumption to make.’

  She nearly laughed. ‘No, it really wasn’t.’

  ‘Who’s the one being too hard on themselves now?’

  Leyna knew he was right, but she preferred being hard on herself than thinking about how long she’d ignored the fact that she wasn’t over him. How long she’d pretended she didn’t regret pushing him away. As though by creating a life for himself without her he’d only hurt her and not broken her.

  She’d got over the rest—at least she would—but still having feelings for him, still being in love with him... That was a hard thing to accept.

  It was also hard to ignore.

  As was the fear pulsing inside her. She had no clue why it was still there after she’d realised—and adm
itted—that she’d pushed him away out of fear of losing him. But they were going to be married, for heaven’s sake. She was pregnant. She wasn’t going to lose him—at least not his presence, or his friendship, she thought, considering his current mood. So that sickening, alarming feeling in her chest made absolutely no sense.

  ‘I think I should go,’ she said, and shifted forward.

  ‘I’m not done, Leyna.’

  ‘You feel guilty for not accepting your part in the way things ended between us. You want to apologise. You’re forgiven.’ She stood.

  ‘Let me apologise,’ he said through his teeth in a voice she’d never heard before, and she lowered back down to the couch.

  ‘Fine. Apologise.’

  ‘I was getting there,’ he growled, and then took a breath. The entire scene would have amused her if not for that feeling in her chest. ‘I said I should have fought for you. But you know why I didn’t, and then I couldn’t.’ She nodded. ‘I’m sorry for that. For not, at the very least, telling you about it in person.’

  Stunned, she nodded again.

  ‘But as much as I wanted to forget you and the awful things I felt about you, I couldn’t. Because those awful things... Well, they went away pretty quickly, Leyna.’ His eyes shone with sincerity. ‘And all I was left with was a terrible hurt that told me I still cared.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she apologised again, as she had that night on the beach. This time she said it in a whisper. But he shook his head.

  ‘I’m not telling you this because I want you to feel bad, Leyna.’

  ‘Then why are you telling me?’

  ‘Because that day, almost a month ago now, that Zacchaeus didn’t attend the banquet—’ She held her breath at the emotion in his tone. ‘I wasn’t as unhappy with our plan as I should have been—’ he paused for a beat ‘—had there not been a part of me that really wanted to marry you.’

  Chapter Sixteen

  LEYNA FELT AS though the world had slowed. Why else would she hear her heart beating in her ears? Or feel the pulse of it carry the blood through her veins?

  She needed water, she realised, and moved to stand. But when she was on her feet, the ground opened beneath her and she found herself falling. Strong arms caught her before she landed, helped her to sit, and then a hand pressed her head between her knees.

  ‘Breathe.’

  Xavier’s voice spoke from a distance but she obeyed, opening her mouth to suck in the air she’d only just realised she had stopped inhaling. After repeating it for a few minutes, she straightened and felt the blood rushing through her body again.

  But then she looked at the concern on Xavier’s face and felt it nestle again in her cheeks.

  ‘I’m calling the doctor,’ he said, and stood.

  ‘No, Xavier, I’m fine.’ She nearly stood, too, to stop him, but then realised that if she did and her head wasn’t as steady as she felt, it would definitely have him calling for a doctor. ‘Really, I’m fine.’

  ‘What happened then? Was it the pregnancy?’

  ‘No.’ It was ridiculous to admit, but she went on, knowing it would be the only way to keep him calm. ‘I stopped breathing.’

  The look of disbelief on his face had a laugh tickling up her throat. ‘I know, I know, it’s not funny. But your face...’ She bit her lip, thinking about what had caused her to stop breathing to sober herself.

  ‘Was my admission such a surprise to you?’

  ‘Yes. Yes, it was.’ All amusement gone now, she frowned. ‘There’s no way you wanted to marry me, Xavier. You had years to redevelop a friendship with me and you didn’t. You didn’t want to marry me,’ she repeated.

  ‘I didn’t admit it to myself, Leyna, but there was some subconscious part of me that did.’

  ‘But the conscious part of you wanted to protect your kingdom. That’s enough for me.’

  It had to be.

  ‘It’s not enough for me.’ He sat again, next to her this time. ‘I thought this plan was a disaster at the beginning. A necessity, but a disaster nevertheless.’ He paused. ‘I told myself I’d get through it by making sure we had boundaries. By making sure that everything was strictly professional. Which is why I agreed to the artificial insemination.’

  ‘But you kept pushing me,’ she said, confused. ‘You were the one who kept going back to the past when we could have just kept things professional.’

  ‘Because that plan didn’t work. I kept wanting to fix the past so...so we could fix the future.’

  ‘Because we were going to be married and become parents.’

  ‘No, because my plans when it comes to you... Well, they never work.’

  ‘I don’t... I don’t know what you mean, Xavier,’ she said shakily. ‘I think I should go—’

  ‘I mean that I couldn’t ignore my feelings for you, Leyna. I fought them all the way and, up to half an hour ago, I still did.’

  ‘What changed?’ she whispered.

  ‘Seeing you touch your stomach.’ He put his own hand on her abdomen, spreading heat through her body. When he moved it away, she felt a coldness that no one other than him could warm. ‘You’re carrying our child, Leyna. Ours. The miracle of it actually happening the way it did... I know how long it takes...and the fact that it didn’t take that long for us? It feels like a sign.’

  ‘Since when do you believe in signs?’ she scoffed, and stood, her heart thudding, the fear beating along with it.

  ‘Since my wife and I tried for over five years to get pregnant and it took us less than a month.’

  She immediately regretted mocking him, and closed her eyes briefly before opening them again. ‘This conversation seems to be filled with apologies, doesn’t it?’ she said softly. ‘I’m sorry, Xav. Of course you can think it’s a miracle or a sign. You can think about it in any way you like.’ She paused, and felt her heart nudge her to ask, ‘Are you okay with this, though? Me falling pregnant, and Erika...’

  ‘I don’t know,’ he answered hoarsely. ‘Honestly, I feel guilty about this whole thing. And I know that not having a child wasn’t the fault of either of us. I can see that now, and it’s made it easier, but that guilt...it hasn’t entirely gone away.’

  ‘That’s okay,’ she told him, taking a seat again. But she sat opposite him, afraid that being close to him would have her falling into the trap his honesty was weaving around them. ‘It might never go away, Xavier, but that’s fine, too. It’s shows that you cared about her.’ She reached over and squeezed his hand, but lifted it just as quickly.

  ‘What if she didn’t know?’

  ‘That you cared about her?’ Because she heard the hurt, she forced herself not to scoff. ‘Of course she knew. And she cared about you, too. She loved you.’

  ‘You can’t know that.’

  ‘I can,’ she said, and felt her heart twist in her chest. ‘People who don’t care enough, Xavier...they leave.’ She knew that better than most. ‘Why do you think she didn’t? Because she could have. She could have walked away to a different—easier—life. But she didn’t. She stayed. She stayed for you, because she loved you.’

  And because his silence told her he still didn’t believe her, she told him what she herself saw. ‘You said you both got along. And, like I said, that would have been enough to live a content life. A happy life, even, for us. But honestly, I think she loved you.’

  It didn’t hurt to say it, perhaps because Leyna saw it from Erika’s point of view for the first time. And she understood. Leyna had fallen so hard for Xavier. How could she have expected someone else not to?

  ‘Maybe she felt like she was failing you, Xavier. Maybe she wanted to give you a child so badly that she blamed herself, just like you blamed yourself. And however things ended between you two...well, it could have been because of the strain of that.’ When he looked up at her, she smiled. ‘Whenever you doubt that she loved
you, remember that she stayed. And that she wouldn’t have wanted a child with you if she didn’t love you.’

  * * *

  He’d never thought about it that way, he realised, and his mind raced to consider whether it could be true. He couldn’t deny that trying to have a child had put a strain on their marriage, but maybe it hadn’t been because he’d failed her. Maybe it had been because she thought she’d failed him.

  Regret filled him immediately. It must have been an incredible pressure to marry into a royal family and struggle to provide an heir. He realised then that it would have been worse in his family, and that Erika wouldn’t have been immune to his family’s unreasonable expectations.

  It seemed glaringly obvious now that she must have felt those expectations directed at her, too. She’d spent a lot of time with his mother and his grandmother. Plus, Erika would have seen their ease at being royal even though they’d both married into it, and her own struggles must have been magnified.

  Was it any wonder that things had become worse between them before she’d passed away? That pressure must have grown each day, with each negative pregnancy test. Her lashing out, allowing him to take the blame for the infertility... All of it could have been coping mechanisms to deal with a life that she just couldn’t fit into.

  Including when she’d asked him about Leyna. She could have been comparing herself to a woman who’d always been put on a pedestal...

  He would never know for sure, but this explanation felt...right. He wished he could have spoken to her one last time to comfort her. To let her know that he didn’t blame her. To apologise for his part in it all. He closed his eyes, hoping that if she could see him—hear him—she would know how sorry he was.

  It didn’t magically absolve him of his part in the way things had ended for them. It didn’t mean that he didn’t still feel guilty about the feelings he’d harboured for Leyna. But it did help him to think that he’d made an effort to set those feelings aside for his marriage. For Erika. He’d tried to ignore twenty years of friendship and love so his marriage could have a chance.