Boo Humbug

by Rene Gutteridge

  Wolfe let out a hopeful smile. “Sir, I plan to do much more than encourage her. I plan to apologize more than I’ve ever apologized to anyone before. And I am going to take her into my arms, hug her and kiss her until she begs me to stop.”

  The sheriff suddenly looked mortified. “I believe a simple apology will suffice.”

  “It’s just that she means the world to me, Sheriff. I adore her. I love her more than I can express.”

  “What are you talking about?” the sheriff’s voice boomed. “You should be in love with your wife!”

  “I am in love with my wife! Who did you think I was talking about?”

  “Lois!”

  “Lois?”

  “Why are you acting this way? You just told me you would go and apologize to her for the way you’ve been acting with this play. What does Ainsley have to do with this?”

  “Um …” The words trailed off as the sheriff glared hard at him.

  “Well?”

  “We just got into a little fight, that’s all.”

  “A fight? Then why are you here?”

  “I thought she might be staying here.”

  “You mean she’s not staying with you?”

  “No.”

  He folded his arms. “What did you do?”

  “It was just a misunderstanding. Ainsley thought I didn’t want to be around her and the baby.”

  “Why would she think that?”

  “She heard I decided to do the play to get some time away.”

  “Well, that’s just absurd. Why would she think that?”

  Wolfe bit his lip. “I, uh …”

  “It’s true?”

  “No … yes, I mean … it’s complicated.”

  The sheriff stepped forward. “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll get your tail out of here and go find your wife. And here’s what you say. You tell her how sorry you are, and you reassure her that your family is your whole world. You explain that sometimes you feel incompetent as a father—that you watch her mother your daughter and you wish you could do it with as much grace. You tell her that sometimes you feel overwhelmed by the situation, but it doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Apologize to her for not coming and talking about it and instead choosing to be a moron.”

  Wolfe sort of wished he had a pen and paper to jot some notes down. “Oh, good. That sounds good. I’ve been having a hard time figuring out what to say.”

  “She’ll forgive you. I promise.”

  “How do you know?”

  He grinned. “Because a long time ago, I did the very same thing.”

  CHAPTER 19

  He took a little child and set him in the midst of them.

  MARK 9:36

  WITH THE DONKEY in tow, Alfred walked toward the theater, avoiding the glances from local residents. He led Isaiah through the front doors of the theater where he found people milling around getting the stage ready. It hurt his heart to even look at it. Pulling the donkey along, he walked down the aisle toward the stage. A ramp allowed Isaiah up onto the stage, where everyone stopped what they were doing to stare.

  “I need Lois. Where is Lois?”

  A man getting Scrooges bed ready shrugged. “We haven’t seen her since early this morning.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Nobody knows.”

  Alfred glanced at Isaiah, who seemed to be watching everything he did. “Come on. Lets go look backstage.”

  For the most part, the backstage area was quiet. “Lois?” Alfred called, hopeful that perhaps she’d come in through the back door. “Lois? Are you here?” No one answered. But suddenly Isaiah began moving in the direction of the storage closets. “Isaiah. No. Whoa. Whoa.” Apparently, that only worked for horses, because Isaiah didn’t look like he had any intention of stopping. “Hey, now, come here, boy. Come on. You hungry? Is that it?”

  Tugging Alfred along, Isaiah finally stopped in front of one of the doors. Sniffing it, he rubbed his forehead against the door. Alfred noticed it was slightly open. With gentle fingers, he slowly opened the door and peered into the dark room. He found the switch for the light bulb, and when he turned it on, he saw Lois curled up in the corner of the room, fast asleep.

  “Lois!”

  She startled awake, disoriented and panicked. “What? Where? No, I said a Swiss bank account not a Swiss accent, you idiot!”

  “Lois, it’s Alfred.”

  She blinked a few times, then looked up, just noticing him. “Why are you in the closet?” she asked.

  “Why are you in here? You were asleep.”

  She glanced around. “No, I wasn’t.”

  “Yes, you were.”

  “No, Alfred. I was simply … I was getting focused.” She stood and adjusted her outfit. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a lot to do for tonight. Is my hair okay?”

  “It’s fine. Lois, listen to me. I have to tell you something.”

  “Can’t it wait?”

  “No.”

  She looked at the donkey. “Well, if you were going to tell me you have a donkey with you, I can see that for myself. So if you’ll excuse me.”

  “Lois,” Alfred said, his voice trembling, “I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to tell you. But before I do, I want you to know”—Alfred tried to hold back the emotion in his voice—“I take full responsibility for this.”

  “For what?”

  “There’s been a miscommunication.” Alfred tried to gain the courage to say it aloud. “There are a lot of people coming tonight. But they think they’re coming to see …”

  “Yes?”

  “A nativity play.”

  “A nativity play?”

  “Yes. They’re expecting the story of the birth of Jesus, complete with live animals.”

  Alfred carefully studied Lois for any reaction, but there was nothing. He couldn’t be entirely sure she was even breathing. She simply stood there like she was in a trance. “Lois?”

  Nothing. Frozen like a statue.

  “Lois, listen, I was thinking about how we might resolve this. Maybe we could do a … a reading. Yes, that’s perfect. After the show, somebody could stand up there and read the Christmas story from the Bible.” Alfred paused as he watched Lois’s lack of reaction. “I’ll even do it, Lois. I’ll stand up there and read it cover to cover. Or chapter to chapter. Whatever the case, I’ll read it, and I can be quite dramatic when I want to be. I don’t mention it much, but I once was hired to do the audio book of a very famous author. So what do you say?” Alfred paused, waiting. “Lois, please. Say something.”

  She finally snapped out of her trance and looked at him. “How did this happen? We had a flier printed up with all the information on it.”

  Alfred looked down. “I know. I didn’t use them. I thought word of mouth might be a better way to go. And it worked perfectly. The news spread like wildfire. It’s just that it was the wrong news.”

  Tears filled her eyes. “So everybody coming here tonight thinks they’re going to see a nativity play?”

  Alfred nodded solemnly. “But Lois, I’m sure they will love what you’re doing. They will be just as happy once they see it.”

  “You don’t understand, Alfred. Skary needs this. Mayor Blarty said this could really help us get out of the red this year! We can’t disappoint people like this! We’ll be a laughingstock!” She began to sob.

  Alfred clutched the donkey’s mane, trying to figure out what to do—how he could help. But the only thing clear was that he’d failed. Again. And this time, it would affect an entire town.

  But as fast as she’d begun to sob, Lois stopped. She wiped the tears off her face, stood up straight, and pressed her lips into a determined, straight line. “All right. If that’s what they want, that’s what we’ll give them.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “We are going to put on a nativity play.” She turned toward the direction of the stage. “We have to.”

  “No … no, we don’t!”
Alfred pulled Isaiah along and trailed behind her as she headed for the stage. “Lois, you can’t change a play in just a few hours! What are you thinking?”

  “Life takes boldness, Alfred. Sometimes you have to do the bold thing.”

  “But … but it’s never going to work! Lois, stop and think. You’ve got an entire set built. You’ve got costumes. What about lines? How is everyone going to know their lines?”

  Lois clapped her hands and gathered everyone around. “People, listen to me. Stop what you’re doing. I need you to go and find every cast member of this play. Be back in thirty minutes. We’ve got a very important meeting. Hustle! Go!”

  Alfred’s mouth hung open as he clutched the donkey’s rope. Lois regarded him for a moment and then gave him a sly smile. “I told you that you should learn to read signs better. Alfred, this is a sign.”

  Ainsley held Abigail close to her chest as she sat quietly in the pew of the church. A light snow fell outside, and the room was chilly, since Reverend Peck could only afford to heat the place on Sundays. She’d tried to stay strong for Abigail and not cry in front of her. Though she was just a baby, Ainsley thought she would surely sense distress. According to Melb, Ainsley might scar her for life.

  As Abigail napped, Ainsley prayed. She didn’t want to stay mad at Wolfe, and she didn’t want to feel bitter, but at the same time, she couldn’t deny the truth. In some ways, it didn’t seem possible, but she knew people changed, and maybe Wolfe had decided family life wasn’t for him.

  Doubts and fears swarmed her as she struggled to find peace. No matter what Wolfe decided, she knew God wouldn’t abandon her. Her entire life, she’d always believed God was enough, but now she wondered how she could survive without Wolfe.

  She heard someone walk in. Turning, she found Reverend Peck walking toward her. “Ainsley? I thought that was you. What are you doing here?”

  That was all it took for the tears to flow. She sobbed and leaned into her pastor as he slid in the pew and wrapped an arm around her. “There, there,” he said. “It’s okay.” He stroked Abigail’s head and let Ainsley cry awhile. “Tell me what’s the matter.”

  Ainsley explained it all the best she could, but even as it came out of her mouth, she found it hard to believe.

  “Ainsley,” the Reverend said gently, “Wolfe was just here today. He didn’t mention a thing about it.”

  It wasn’t even on his mind? She started sobbing all over again.

  Wolfe had searched for Ainsley for an hour but still hadn’t found her. She hadn’t gone to the house, and she wasn’t at the grocery store or the coffee shop. He’d even stopped by Dr. Hass’s, but he hadn’t seen her.

  He came out of the doctor’s office, deciding to check the church one more time, when he noticed Dustin walking rapidly toward him. “Wolfe! Hey! Hold on!”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Dude, you’ve got to get to the theater now. Lois is calling, like, this meeting.”

  “What for?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Wolfe walked with Dustin to the theater where everybody was streaming in single file. Oliver noticed him and waited. “What is this about?” Oliver asked.

  “I don’t know,” Wolfe said, “but I don’t have time for it. I’m trying to find Ainsley.”

  “You haven’t found her?”

  “No.”

  As they came into the theater, they noticed Lois onstage, flagging everyone toward her. “Come on, hurry up, people.” Everyone took a seat. Wolfe noticed that Lois looked peculiar. She wasn’t in hysterics, but by the expression on her face, it seemed she should be. She took a deep breath, waited till it was perfectly quiet, and then said, “We’ve got a problem.”

  For ten minutes, the theater was silent, except Lois, who explained something nobody could quite understand. She put it three or four different ways, but still, it was difficult to make any sense of.

  The cast, led by Oliver, began peppering Lois with questions.

  “Calm down! Everyone! Please!”

  “I can’t believe you’re even saying this!” Wolfe said. “We’ve been working ourselves to death on this play. Everyone knows their lines. We’re ready to roll. How can we possibly get an entirely new play together in just a few hours?”

  Lois suddenly seemed calm. “First of all, we will do A Christmas Carol. It will simply be postponed. Why not for Valentine’s? I bet no other theater has ever thought to do this as a non-Christmas play. Secondly, we all know the Christmas story. We’re going to do an improvisational Christmas pageant. Again, unconventional. I once thought improv was irrelevant, but who wants to settle for being mainstream, people? We have a chance to show we can think outside the box …”

  Suddenly Martin stepped forward. “Everyone, listen to me. I’ve been fielding calls for weeks about this. People are excited. They’re coming by the busloads. We can’t let them down. We’ve got to find a way to pull this thing off!”

  “What about costumes?” somebody asked.

  “Hey, like, we could use all the old stuff they had to wear at The Haunted Mansion. Turn some of those capes inside out, and you’ve got a shepherd’s coat.”

  “And we could use the mummy costumes to wrap the baby,” Garth said.

  “What baby?” Wolfe asked.

  “Ollie could play Jesus,” Oliver offered.

  “We could get hay pretty easily,” the sheriff added.

  Wolfe grabbed the sides of his head. “This is never going to work. Nobody here has ever done improv, Lois.”

  “Which means, simply, that there are no lines to drop. You’ll go with the moment. We’ll write out a basic outline, keep the set simple, and rely on everyone’s emotional performances to carry this thing. Plus”—she smiled—“we’ve got a donkey. A real, live donkey. That’s a sign, people. Don’t you understand? This pageant is what we were supposed to do all along. Now,” she said and then paused for a moment. “Does anybody have a Bible with them?”

  “I can get one from the bookstore,” Dustin offered.

  “All right. Now we just need to assign characters.” Lois tapped her finger against her chin as she studied her cast. “We’ll need three shepherds. Irwin, you look like you could herd sheep. Care to step into the role?”

  The sheriff looked relieved to not have to play a child. “Of course.”

  “What about you, Garth?”

  “I do work with animals.”

  “Can you get us some live sheep?”

  Garth thought for a moment. “I’m not sure. I can try.”

  Lois pointed to Martin. “And you and Oliver, can you be the wise men?” They glanced at each other.

  “I think so,” Martin shrugged. “I do have a way with gold.”

  “I’ll take the myrrh.”

  “Perfect. We can recruit another shepherd and another wise man as stand-ins. They won’t need to speak.”

  “What about the innkeeper?” Martin asked. Everyone started offering suggestions, but Wolfe couldn’t take any more. He wasn’t going to do this play, and the only thing on his mind was Ainsley. Wolfe gathered his things from the dressing room.

  “Wolfe?” Lois stood in the doorway, blocking his exit. “I know this sounds a little crazy, but—”

  Wolfe waved his hand. “Lois, you don’t understand. You can’t possibly understand.”

  She walked over and knelt next to him. Looking up, she put a gentle hand on his arm. “Play Joseph.”

  “What?”

  “Please. Nobody else can pull off that role, Wolfe. You’re perfect for it. You can do it.”

  Wolfe shook his head. “Lois, I’ve been in this town a long time, but this is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of.”

  Lois grinned. “I know! It’s a rush, isn’t it? But Wolfe, don’t you see it? Sure, Alfred messed up big time. But maybe, just maybe, this isn’t a mistake.”

  “I think you could use a nap and a good dose of reality.”

  “Possibly. Right now I sort of feel like I’m hover
ing, but that’s beside the point.”

  “Then what’s the point, Lois? Tell me the point.”

  “The point is that everyone is eager to hear about the greatest event in history, the day that God came down to earth to rescue His people. That’s what they’re coming to see. And that’s what we have to do.” She squeezed his hand. “Wolfe, please. Play Joseph. Please.”

  Wolfe was about to shake his head and bolt for the door, but suddenly an idea came over him.

  “What do you say, Wolfe? Will you do it?”

  “On one condition.”

  “What?”

  “You get Ainsley to play Mary.”

  CHAPTER 20

  Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or are they shadows of the things that May be, only?

  “CAN SOMEBODY MOVE that pig to stage right?” Lois yelled over the noise.

  “He doesn’t want to be near the donkey!” someone yelled back.

  “Then get the donkey off the stage. It’ll carry Mary down this aisle. Has anyone located Mary?”

  “Not yet,” Oliver said. “Melb is trying to find her.”

  Suddenly Alfred was beside her. He regarded the scene before him, then sat down next to Lois. “I can’t believe you’re actually doing this,” Alfred said.

  “Me either,” Lois said. “But I can’t describe how it feels. It’s a huge adrenaline rush!”

  Alfred studied the actors. “They do look rather … biblical.”

  “I know! Isn’t it amazing? Turned wrong side out, most of the costumes look exactly like dusty old garments! Katelyn has tons of stuff she’s been hot-gluing on to help. Never thought the BeDazzler would come in so handy. For the last hour, people have been bringing in everything from staffs for the shepherds to crowns for the wise men.” Suddenly, Lois turned to him. “You! Yes, you!”

  “Me, what?”

  “I still don’t have an innkeeper.”

  “Oh … no. No. Lois, seriously. I couldn’t.”

  “Yes you can. Alfred, you got us into this mess, the least you can do is turn Mary away and order her to the barn.”