Ugly Beautiful Girl

by Tracy Krimmer

  An hour into the drive passes before Janna takes her first drink. I’m a little surprised she lasted this long, but I’m relieved she’s pacing herself. Before I know it, she’s scooted into the seat with Paul, and they’re cuddled up together. I stare out the window and try to tune out the crowd who are now singing as loud as humanely possible.

  I don’t know why I’m here. My time would be better spent back at my dorm studying or writing. I don’t want to be here. Why do I keep going to these parties with Janna? I came into college thinking I’d be this different person but I’m the same. Instead of having thirty kids calling me names and trying to bring me down, I have one. But it’s a bad one. And instead of standing up for myself, I’m fooling myself into thinking I am. If I had half the confidence I thought I did, I’d tell Janna a solid no and stick with it. Or, I’d settle into this new lifestyle and embrace it for all it’s worth.

  “Mind if I sit down?”

  I turn my head to a voice I’d recognize anywhere. Jesse slides into the seat before I can answer. He smells amazing, his scent a reminder of things past. I want to slip under his arm so he can pull me close to him. But I don’t. I cross my arms and lean into the window. “Looks like you already did.”

  “Sorry. I hate standing on these things. I always feel like I’m going to fall over at the slightest brake.”

  “Hey, I get it. I don’t like buses, either.” I rode the bus all the way until my junior year. Once I got my license, I drove to school every day to avoid run-ins on the bus. It didn’t matter if I sat in the front by the bus driver or sulked way in the back. People found me, made fun of me. If it wasn’t the way I did my hair, it was something else. I smelled bad, I was ugly, weird, fat—pick your adjective. They threw crumpled up paper at me, mooed in my presence, and sometimes made sure I had nowhere to sit. Eventually, I learned to close my eyes and fake sleep.

  “I’m a little surprised you came.”

  “Oh?” Did he know I’d be here? When Paul invited him, did he specifically ask if I were coming? I consider the possibility he hoped to see me. His line of questioning though makes me wonder if he came under the assumption non-party-goer Violet would stay home.

  “I didn’t think driving down to a big city on a bus full of drinkers was your thing.”

  “It’s not.” I turn back and face the window again. “I wanted to get out of the dorm, and Janna talked me into it.”

  “Well, I’m glad you’re here.”

  I say nothing, putting my focus on the passing traffic. People always look back into the bus, but they can’t see me staring at them through the tinted windows. The way people react, you’d think they’d never seen a bus like this before. Of course I hadn’t either until today. It’s always so exciting to people when they see something like a limo. They want to know who’s inside, what’s the occasion, and if they could ever be part of something like it. I never thought I could be, and here I am.

  “Vi, please, don’t ignore me.”

  “I’m not ignoring you. I don’t have much to say, that’s all.” What am I supposed to do? Turn to him and take him in my arms, refusing to let go? That’s what I want but I’m being realistic. I can already picture the people in the back of the bus watching us, wondering why someone so handsome is talking to someone like me. They think Jesse is playing some sort of joke on me because why else would someone like him sit with someone like me? I can’t be in a relationship that has me questioning intentions, even though I know he is honorable.

  “Come on. What happened at the festival? You threw that at me, breaking things off.” His hand touches my knee and I flinch for a second, but don’t push him away. “What did I do wrong?”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, Jesse. It’s not you, it’s me.” He doesn’t deserve a cliche line, but that’s what I’m giving him.

  “What? That’s not fair. Tell me how I can change your mind.”

  “You can’t. I am what I am and always will be.”

  “And what is that?”

  I push my lips together, afraid to say the word. Afraid to admit to him how I see myself. I owe it to him though. I owe him the truth. So I say it. “Ugly.”

  “What?” He takes a hold of my elbow, forcing me to look at him. The lights flash on the bus, reds and blues and greens flashing over his face as he looks at me. “How can you say that? You’re the most beautiful woman in the entire world.”

  “No, I’m not.” I turn away from him, refusing to allow him to see the tear rolling down my cheek. “I’ve never been such a thing, and I never will be. Everyone’s made sure of that.”

  “Everyone? Who is everyone?”

  I look at him this time and stare into his eyes. “Everyone. Almost every boy I’ve gone to school with, kids on the playground, even a few adults. Between my big nose and thunder thighs, I’m quite the clown on display. I’ve gone my entire life with people imprinting the word in my head. They’ve made damn sure I heard them. After a while, I started to realize it’s true. You’re the complete opposite of me—gorgeous, popular, following your dreams. Not me. I think it’d be best if we went our separate ways. I can’t compete with you. We don’t fit together.”

  “How can you say that? This isn’t a competition between us. How I feel when I’m with you, Violet, I can’t even describe it. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before, like I can conquer the world when we’re together. I don’t care what you say, you’re the most beautiful human being I’ve ever known. I want you, Vi.” He takes my shoulders and moves me so I’m facing him. Then he takes his hands and puts them on my cheeks. “You, Vi, I want you.”

  Tears fall down my face and into my mouth. He pushes his lips against mine, wiping them away with his tongue. He leans into me, and I lean with my back against the window. I let him kiss me, wrapping my hand around his neck. Why am I walking away from this? Why am I not allowing myself happiness? Why am I letting other people dictate what I do in life? I waited for him—for Jesse—and he’s here. And he wants me. Truly wants me.

  And I want him.

  We don’t leave the bus the entire evening. At every stop, we inform the driver we’ll stay behind. I’m snuggled into his arms, my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. When the music is off and we’re the only two on board, it’s so silent. We talk for hours about everything and anything, and we laugh so much my belly aches. Most of all, we hold each other like no one in the world exists but us.

  I wish that were true, but hours later, which feels like only minutes, the bus crowds again, and we’re headed back to campus. The stillness from before has quickly turned into yelling, singing, and a lot of drinking. I’m staying true to myself there and not drinking a thing, and neither is Jesse.

  “Okay, everyone! Here’s what we’re doing.” A tall brunette whose name I’ve learned to be Penny stands up to make an announcement. She’s stumbling over her words and as we hit a bump, her drink splashes over the side onto the ground. “Truth or dare. Sean, you’re going first.” She points to a dark-haired guy two seats away from me and Jesse. “Do you want truth, or do you want dare?” She lowers her voice a few octaves when she asks about the dare option.

  “Dare!” He answers before even taking a second to think about it.

  “I dare you to stick your bare ass out the window.”

  “We’re on the highway!”

  “Good! That thing could use a good airing out!” The man sitting with Sean yells this.

  Sean smacks his friend on the head before he stands up and pulls down his pants in front of everyone. I turn away, not wanting to see what he has to offer. He covers the front and does as Penny dared him, his bare butt flying in the wind. He only lasts about five seconds.

  “Fuck that’s cold! I think my ass is frozen.”

  “It’s not that bad out, dude.”

  “Then you do it, Dominic.”

  It’s an interesting way to learn everyone’s names, but I’ll admit I’m enjoying the energy now. Everyone is smiling and
laughing, and people are talking to me. For the first time in a long time, I fit in. Like maybe I've found a group of people accepting of me.

  "Violet's turn!" Penny points at me and my newfound confidence sinks into my gut.

  Do I want truth or dare? It's a hard call. Truth could reveal something I'm not so sure I want to reveal. And dare—well, who knows what they'll come up with? I don't want to be a goody-two-shoes, though. I've lived my life trying to fade into the shadows, and here's my chance to stick out and prove to them, and myself, that I'm daring. I'm going to do this. I'm ignoring my stomach twisting into knots and holding back the urge to throw up.

  "Dare."

  Jesse grabs a hold of my arm. “Are you sure?”

  “I’ve never been more sure in my life. What have you got for me, Penny?”

  She rubs her hands together as though she’s conspiring an evil plan. “Let’s see.” She puts her fingers to her lips and then pops them off as she puts her finger in the air. “Do a handstand in the middle of the bus.”

  “What? I can barely do a handstand when I’m on solid ground, much less on a moving vehicle.”

  “You can switch it out for the truth.”

  I’ve heard some of her truth questions, and I’d rather splash hot sauce on an open wound than answer one of her truth questions. I’m doing this.

  I stand up and step past Jesse, my legs brushing his knees as I move past. I step into the aisle, suddenly relieved I’m wearing jeans rather than a skirt. If I do this right, I can use the seat to hold myself up. I don’t want to stumble and break an arm, or something worse. I crouch down and try to think back to gym class when we practiced things like this. I lean forward and shoot one leg into the air followed by the other. I finagle my body so my butt is resting against the seat.

  “Now for the best part.”

  Penny’s words confuse me. “What?” The blood is rushing to my head but I don’t want to wimp out and get down just yet. The second the ice cube slides down my back and into the back of my jeans I begin screaming. My feet hit the floor, I stumble and land on my butt.

  Everyone is quiet. The music has stopped, and every passenger stares at me, waiting for a response.

  I just did a headstand on a moving bus while someone stuck ice cubes down my shirt. I do the only thing I can possibly do.

  I laugh hysterically.

  Chapter Twelve

  Change

  She’s a butterfly,

  beautiful now.

  But she’ll always remember

  the caterpillar,

  the ugliness outside

  now shed of her—

  the beauty inside

  comes out for show.

  And she is loved.

  ^^^

  I’m not sure getting back together with Jesse is the best decision with Olivia looming around every corner, but I can’t allow her to affect my decisions. Even though we’re together again, I still don’t think I deserve him. I want to be with him, though, and it seems he wants to be with me. That’s enough for me right now.

  After we returned from Chicago, I slept for hours. Without a drink in me, I still woke with a headache and pure exhaustion. After three ibuprofen and a twenty-ounce soda, I’m ready for work.

  Putting my costume together takes well over an hour. I rarely wear makeup so the bright red lipstick and darkened lashes shock me when I see myself in the mirror. Once I add the flaming orange hair, I barely recognize myself. Maybe that’s a good thing.

  I’ve never been so excited for work before. I love my job at Happy Acres, but Will and I have spent a lot of time planning the party today. We like to keep the residents entertained, and I think we’ve come together with a wonderful event.

  Will isn’t there yet when I arrive. I don’t waste any time and start the prep work in the kitchen, getting started on the spooky fingers, ghostly marshmallows, and veggie tray—baby carrots lined up like a pumpkin with cucumbers for the mouth and dip for the eyes. We have other snack foods as well, but I wanted to make a few items that were fun. Not everyone can eat the harder foods, which is why Will is bringing some softer choices.

  Over the next hour, I hang fake spider webs, spread orange and black tablecloths over the tables, and place fake witches and bats throughout the activity room. I’ll definitely take credit for this. I did a great job, and it feels good.

  “Violet.” Will startles me, and I almost fall off the step stool. He grabs a hold of me and helps me down. “Be careful.”

  “Thanks. I guess I’m zoning out a little and not paying attention. Who are you supposed to be?”

  Will is wearing a long sleeve velvety shirt with a white collared polo underneath. He looks so different in his wig, making the top of his head completely bald with dark hair flowing from the sides. For the life of me, I don’t have a clue who he is.

  “I thought you were dressing up as Emily Dickinson. I thought we could both be poets, so I picked up the Shakespeare costume.” He eyes me up and down. “But you’re definitely not her.”

  “No. Not even close. I thought about it but stepped out of my comfort zone and went wild as Lucille Ball. What do you think?”

  “I think you pulled it off. And that I look a little silly now.”

  “Oh, Will, I’m so sorry. You should have told me so I could have planned.” It is a fun idea for us to be a matching pair like that, but that’s more reserved for couples. I don’t think I would have been comfortable walking around like that. I can’t believe Will would be, either. Of course, maybe that’s something he wanted. Should I mention his comment to me the other day? No. I’m reading too much into this.

  “Don’t worry about it. I can laugh at myself.” He gives a big, fake laugh from his belly. “Ho, ho, ho!”

  “Um, Will, that’s Santa.” I run the paper streamer through my hands as he tries it again. “Nope. Sorry. Still Santa.”

  “I guess I’m set for Christmas then. Should we get this shindig started?” He points to the clock, and it’s two o’clock on the dot. We wanted to run the party after lunch but before dinner since we’re only having snacks and many of the residents are so stuck in their routine we didn’t want to interrupt them.

  “I’ll have Lola make an announcement.”

  Fifteen minutes later all the residents finish gathering in the activity room, some with smiles on their faces, others appearing irritated we dragged them from whatever they were doing. Robert, of course, is one of them. Not a single one is in costume, except Lola, as I had expected. She’s wearing a moo moo with plush cats attached to her. A cat lady. Clever.

  “Happy Halloween, everyone!” I clap my hands expecting some excitement, but instead, I get Robert.

  “It’s October twenty-third. It’s not Halloween. That’s the thirty-first, and who celebrates this anyway? It’s not a real holiday.”

  Will and I exchange smirks. No matter what the situation we can always count on Robert to have something negative to say. “Don’t be such an Eeyore, Robert.” I start to walk around the room. “I can’t believe no one dressed up! This is supposed to be fun!”

  “Can I dress up as someone younger?” Mona Davies, our oldest resident at ninety-six, blurts out.

  “There’s not enough makeup!”

  “Robert!” I can’t believe he said that. He has a mouth on him, but to insult Mona like that? Not cool at all.

  “It’s fine, Violet. We know we’re old.”

  The entire group laughs, Robert included. Will glances at me and nods, so I laugh, too.

  “Okay, we have a lot of fun planned for you today. We have a station set up over here for you to decorate pumpkins. We’ll be painting them instead of carving them. Do what you want with them. Paint them to keep or create something for your kids or grandchildren.” I look over at Mona. “Or great grandchildren.” She beams at me. She talks about her great grandchildren all the time, blessed to have been on Earth long enough to see them.

  “Later we can all tell scary stories.”

&n
bsp; “This party is pretty scary.”

  “Robert, you’re pretty sassy today, aren’t you?” I wiggle my finger at him and he nods his head as a smile creeps up on him. “Will and I have also put together a scavenger hunt. Come see us for the sheets for that. You’ll find items hidden around the activity room and the hallway.” And we’ve put together a secret one meant for Robert and Roxanne. Their sheets have one extra item than everyone else’s, which will lead them to a romantic “snack” for two. I hope it works.

  We start with the pumpkin decorating. I’m learning which residents are more artistic than others. My artistry lies in the pen, not the paintbrush. When I’m finished with mine, I have a small pumpkin in the shades of the rainbow. I love it. It’s vibrant and reminds me of that moment after a storm when you first see the glimmer of a rainbow in the sky. The excitement, the joy.

  Will doesn’t have much luck with his pumpkin. When I go to check on him, his pumpkin is fifty shades of gray, and not like the book.

  “What happened here?” It’s a mess. I can’t even make out what he was trying to do with it.

  “This is my attempt at Dracula.”

  “But there’s no face. It’s a horribly gray pumpkin.”

  “Yes, I know. Thank you for pointing out my lack of painting ability.”

  “I’m not trying to be rude. I just don’t know what that is.”

  “I’ll call it ‘Pumpkin in a fog.’ How does that sound?”

  I like he’s trying to make the most of it. It’s a hot mess, but he’s having fun, and that’s what is important. Kind of like on the bus. I embraced the truth and dare game and had fun with it.