Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  Desperately Seeking

  NAIVE SOLDIER looking for companion to talk and laugh with. Loves to paint pictures and take extremely long walks to other towns. WLTM a girl in the 8 out of 10 bracket who doesn’t smoke and laughs a lot. Call me! 087-271-####

  HEAVY DUDE searching for literally anyone. Need to be in good shape, though, or it’s a no-go. Wants to find a special person who can make his heart tingle. Is that you? 086-477-####

  WATERFORD LAD

  ‘I’ve a friend getting a bit of smoke later if ye want to chip in on it’

  Local correspondent and Waterford lad Jamie Lonergan said today that he has a friend getting a bit of smoke later if ye want to chip in on it.

  Lonergan told WWN that his friend will finish work around 5 p.m. and make his way home on the bus. He expects his friend to be in the gaff shortly after 6 p.m. this evening.

  ‘He said he was definitely getting a good bit today off another fella he knows in work from Kilmac,’ said Lonergan. ‘It will probably be pollen as there’s a huge dry on at the moment with the weed. The hash lasts way longer anyway boy!’

  The 22-year-old said a quarter ounce of pollen will be in the range of 40 to 50 euro, but urged potential buyers to chip in whatever they’ve got – as it would be ‘cheaper in the long run’.

  ‘Sure if everyone chips in it’ll cost us half that,’ the expert advised. ‘I can meet ye all at the end of Lisduggan, beside the gap in the ditch there, but don’t ye all be hovering around cause it will look suspicious.’

  However, sources claim that Lonergan is well known in the area for leaving people wait long periods of time for their smoke.

  ‘That fella is always scamming nodges off people and making them wait days for their stuff,’ said one acquaintance. ‘I can getcha a bit of green now if you want it, but you’ll be paying top dollar for it as it’s good stuff.’

  Mr Lonergan said he will meet everyone in John Roberts square at 5.30 p.m. for the cash before heading up to his mates.

  Middle-aged guy delighted he got the shift last night

  Insurance broker Cyril Murray could hardly contain his delight this morning after finally getting ‘the shift’ in The Beans nightclub, Waterford, last night after a six-year ‘dry spell’.

  The 48-year-old Dunmore man had originally intended to go for ‘just the one drink’ after work and then make it back to his apartment in Ardkeen in time to catch Come Dine With Me Ireland on TV3.

  However, a north-westerly wind, combined with a torrential downpour, prevented the bachelor from leaving the pub.

  ‘It was lashing out of the heavens so I decided to have another pint of Heino with the guys. We were all gee-eyed by 9 o’clock!

  ‘One of the lads said we could easily pull a few drunk young wans in The Beans because they were selling chape booze in there. I was well up for that,’ said the divorced father-of-three.

  Sources claim that after numerous failed attempts by Mr Murray to engage comatose female students, he eventually struck gold with a 22-year-old Carlow girl that he’d met at the bar.

  ‘I couldn’t believe my luck! She wasn’t half-bad either, apart from her face, but the rest of her was alright now! I told her I was the assistant chairman at the college. She fell hook, line and sinker for it, the silly cow. I immediately bought her a drink and then asked her to dance.

  ‘After busting some moves I realised she was half-asleep, so I supported her through the slow set and then made my move. I think the music just took over.

  ‘I could see all the lads giving me the thumbs up in the background. I must have been shifting her for at least five minutes before she lost all consciousness. I couldn’t really hold her up any longer as me arms were killed, so I just gently left her down on the dance floor to sleep it off,’ he added.

  Friends say Murray was ‘well chuffed’ with himself and didn’t stop talking about the ‘young wan’ for the whole night. ‘He was driving us all fucking mad by the end of the night. He kept saying he was in love. Then when we got to the chipper he said he was going to find the girl and tell her how he felt,’ said colleague Mark O’Brien.

  Mr Murray stated that he doesn’t remember much after leaving the chipper and claims he woke up in his work clothes this morning.

  ‘Ah, it was some night lad, I had some craic. Nothing like chape booze and easy women,’ he concluded.

  Diary of a JobBridge intern

  WEEK 2

  Monday

  The guys keep calling me ‘Trev’, not sure if it’s a joke or if I should tell them it’s Kev. Finally got a desk – it’s in the toilets but I don’t mind, I can take a joke. Covered Maureen on reception most of the day, one of her kids got a crayon stuck up her nose so she had to go to A & E. Terry Bull, celeb news, talked to me today. Seemed nice if you ignore the whiff of vodka. Asked me to clean his Mini Countryman. Actually needed a wax too. Had to rub in some treatment for the leather seats by hand as well - now that I think about it I’m pretty sure he thought I was one of the cleaning staff. Had my fecking bike stolen from outside work, asked Terry for a lift home but don’t think he heard me, he just kept walking. Extra 50 quid from JobBridge came in handy, got a taxi home. Carol from the welfare sent me a few dodgy Snapchats today that were meant for her husband I think. I deleted them out of respect.

  Thursday

  Finally getting the hang of the lunch orders, apparently it’s how all new journalists earn respect. Haven’t earned it until I can tell the difference between a hot breakfast roll and a warm one – or so Julius Hubris, WWN columnist, shouted at me. Forgot to keep the receipts from the lunch run so I couldn’t be reimbursed.

  Maureen had to go and do some shopping so I was on reception today. Johnny Ryan came in again but with no pants on. Good news though, Paddy asked me to work the weekend, so I must have made a good impression. Means more taxis but that extra 50 euro is a godsend. Niall Toner, the ‘obits’ guy, was the first person in the office to call me Kevin. I made a joke about photocopiers – ‘cos you know, ‘toner’ – but he didn’t laugh. Apparently his father was crushed to death by a photocopier. Said it was the toughest obituary he’s ever written.

  Issue 3

  WEATHER FORECAST

  Rain will dominate small talk all day, giving boring people something to moan about and leading to widespread spells of misery.

  ‘Bodies! Sure I can’t even remember where I left my house keys most of the time,’ insists Adams

  SINN FÉIN LEADER Gerry Adams has said that republicans have ‘no idea’ where the bodies of murdered IRA victims are buried. ‘I’m not surprised,’ he added. ‘I can’t even remember where I’ve left my house keys most of the time.’

  Mr Adams, who denies being an ex-commander of the Irish Republican Army, told WWN that he is frequently forgetful and a ‘bit of a feather-head’ when it comes to retracing his steps.

  ‘Just last week I spent hours looking for Ted [Mr Adams’ favourite cuddly toy]. Then, while I was looking for something else yesterday I found him, staring at me from the washing basket. That’s always the way; you look for one thing and find another.’ When asked if he thought this philosophy could be applied to the missing dead, he replied: ‘I suppose we could give it a try sometime.’ The IRA is under growing pressure to release the locations of missing IRA victims from the Troubles, including Belfast woman Jean McConville, who was kidnapped, killed and buried in a secret plot of land, the location of which is known only to the group.

  ‘That was forty-one years ago,’ explained Adams. ‘I was young and dumb and they were knocking off people left, right and centre. It’s so hard to keep track of them all. As me ma always said, “if they want to be found, they’ll be found”,’ he added.

  The Sinn Féin leader then tweeted that he missed the good old days and told this reporter that he had to go ‘show his face’ at a charity event up north: ‘If you had said to me forty years ago that I’d be doing this shit, I’d have laughed right into your face. But then again, I’d probably h
ave forgotten that prediction by now, wouldn’t I?’ he said, winking, before taking off in a skipping motion down Kildare street.

  ALSO IN THE NEWS

  Fine-looking bird with nice arse accuses innocent male colleagues at WWN of sexual harassment

  Founders of Daft.ie admit to raising Dublin house prices ‘for the craic’

  Shocking survey reveals 1 in 4 Irish people still lying at confession

  White 100m sprinters continue to dominate seventh place

  WHITE ATHLETES this week continue to dominate the coveted seventh place spot in one of the most exciting and explosive athletic events of all time – the 100 metre sprint.

  In an international race meeting in Paris, German sprinter Klaus Schmidt romped home, unchallenged by other white sprinters, to the much vaunted seventh place finish – just behind runners from Jamaica, USA, Trinidad and Tobago, Bahamas and St Kitts and Nevis.

  ‘It’s a proud day for all caucasian people. That seventh place doesn’t seem to be leaving us any time soon,’ Schmidt’s coach Steven Holt told WWN.

  However, there was a poor showing by white sprinters in the 100 metre final of the Common-wealth Games, which saw Kemar Bailey-Cole of Jamaica take gold, with England’s Adam Gemili, taking silver and bronze falling to Jamaica’s Nickel Ashmeade. There wasn’t a single white sprinter in the field, but even this couldn’t dampen Holt’s spirits. ‘We could, with several years hard graft and an exceptional doping program, make that seventh place our permanent home,’ added the coach, who himself is a former seventh-place champion. Many caucasian sprinting, fans have urged the International Olympic Committee and other sporting bodies to create a medal for seventh place in order to provide white competitors with a greater sense of pride and achievement. While the material for the medal has not been decided upon, there will likely be a move away from precious metals and toward something of little monetary value, like lint or breadcrumbs.

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  Jesus was canonised and named the patron saint of alcohol in 476ad, due to his ability to turn water into wine and Mi Wadi into vodka.

  Construction industry experiencing huge resurgence outside hungover man’s bedroom window

  THE IRISH construction industry is today experiencing a massive comeback, with what sounds like thousands of workers embarking on a huge project directly outside the bedroom window of Eamon Murtagh, who is currently hungover as fuck.

  The construction sector, which suffered heavy job losses in the years following the economic crash, has apparently made a significant comeback in the days between yesterday and this morning.

  According to a status update on the Dublin man’s official Facebook page, the job requires every drill, electric saw, cement mixer and jackhammer in Ireland to start making noise at the exact same time.

  Mr Murtagh, who went out for one pint and left the pub when the staff were setting the alarm for the night, first became aware of the massive building project after making a call to his workplace to tell them that he must have food poisoning or something. The 23-year-old then made the following statement via social media.

  ‘They must be building a fucking hospital out there. Or a block of flats, or an aircraft carrier. I can’t tell, because I’m not able to look at daylight at the moment. They’ve been at it since 8 o’clock this morning. Who the fuck starts building something at 8 o’clock in the fucking morning?! I just CAN’T right now.’ Recalling a similar incident where every dog across three counties decided to bark through the morning after his 21st birthday party, Murtagh has adopted a wait-andsee approach in the hope that the hangover gods will hear his prayers, and the massive construction project will fuck off and allow him to get another half hour’s kip.

  The multi-hundred euro venture, which will see attractive new flower beds installed in his neighbors’ garden, is expected to be completed later today.

  Drug trade to be recognised by FÁS

  THERE WAS good news today with the announcement that FÁS will recognise the importance of the drugs trade by implementing a brand new course for the industry.

  The past several months have seen a large increase in the number of drug seizures, resulting in an uncertain future for those working in the industry. Course coordinator Michael Harding spoke to WWN about this latest announcement.

  ‘When we considered how many grow sites have been shut down, FÁS realised that a simple 12-week course could help those involved in the drug trade to avoid the pitfalls a lot of businesses encounter,’ shared Mr Harding.

  Course modules are believed to include Market Acquisition, Public Relations, Sales Strategy and Recruitment. ‘Many people have an image of the drug crime industry as still operating with a 20th century attitude, and FÁS hope that we can change that,’ enthused Mr Harding. The first of the 12-week courses is scheduled to begin next month and has already drawn a high level of interest.

  ‘Be good to have it down on paper and that,’ shared potential attendee Robbie ‘The Badger’ Kelly in an exclusive interview with WWN. ‘Employers see the 43 previous convictions on my CV and probably wonder, “is that enough experience for my gang?” but with the course on top of that I’ll probably stand a better chance of getting a job. Do you know if they do a “how to come up with a better nickname” module?’

  Drug crime is a competitive and evolving industry, and it is hoped that many will find employment there following completion of this new course.

  Six people take to the streets to celebrate announcement of bailout exit

  IT IS A MOMENT no Irish citizen will ever forget: where were you when Taoiseach Enda Kenny announced that Ireland would be leaving the international bailout program initiated by the IMF and Europe?

  Some will proudly answer, ‘ye wha’?’ Others, wiping tears from their eyes, will joyously recount, ‘I was watching the X Factor when your one, you know your one – ah she was brilliant – you know, with the voice and the face?’ and no doubt someone some-where was probably on the toilet.

  The Taoiseach decided that the best place to inform the public of the bailout exit was not a highly publicised TV address in his capacity as Taoiseach, nor would, it be to an assembled Oireachtas, but rather in a speech at the barely-watched partisan Fine Gael national conference.

  Regardless of the method of delivery, the almost unspeakably good news spread like wildfire.

  The streets of Dublin were filled with as many as six people cavorting in an, infectious display of the ‘thank fuck that’s over’ dance, which involves flailing the arms wildly with the occasional burst of an Italia ’90 singalong. The army remain on standby in case the celebrations spill over into civil disobedience.

  WWN can exclusively reveal that a baby boy born in Holles street on Saturday evening was named Bailout Exit Kelly.

  Government calls Cork’s bluff forcing it to secede from Ireland

  IN WHAT COULD PROVE to be a watershed moment in the history of our Nation, the coalition government has given in to the demands of the People’s Republic of Cork and its endless but good-natured observations that it ‘could do a better job’.

  Historically, Cork has been a dissenting voice in Irish public policy, often seeking greater autonomy and making clear at every juncture that it had a superior way of doing things.

  Now the government has called Cork’s bluff; as of Friday, full control of the county’s affairs will be handed over to its people.

  Cork’s secession from the Republic of Ireland has been welcomed by Cork natives, with many optimistic about the transition that lies ahead.

  ‘Shit!’ delighted Cork city councillor Cian Ryan said upon learning the news, ‘I mean… great! We’ve been banging on about how we’re the best and deserve more influence over how things are done, so yeah, it’s really, really great … oh Christ.’

  ‘I know I said Cork was the best, like, but, honestly, there’s no rush in handing over the reigns,’ shared local businessman Frank Holohan.

  ‘So we’d have to make all the decisions,
is it? And no falling back on the snide, we-know-best remarks?’ Mr Holohan added as he began to sweat with joy.

  Cork will officially become the republic its people so desperately wanted this Friday, with a steady transition of power to take place over the next few months.

  ‘Hang on, so we probably won’t be allowed in the All Ireland? I don’t think we’ve thought this the whole way through, lads,’ offered over-the-moon student Rob Lynch.

  Lifestyle

  England name 23 men to blame for future World Cup failure

  There was excitement in the football world today as the line-up responsible for England’s upcoming World Cup failure was announced, with a number of high-profile players receiving the unfortunate news that they would be on the plane to Rio.

  ‘I suppose you could say I’m relieved,’ shared lucky absentee Tom Cleverley. ‘For once it won’t be my fault. I sat there waiting for the phone not to ring and I was absolutely delighted when it didn’t.’

  Others weren’t so lucky. ‘As a kid you dream of not being made a scapegoat, but these things happen in football. Hopefully the lads will bounce back in time for the start of the Premiership,’ said a dejected Joe Hart as he was forcibly placed on the England team bus.

  The media had speculated that England manager Roy Hodgson would go with a young squad, but questions still remain about how those selected will handle their inevitable failure. Luke Shaw, the Southampton full back, was picked ahead of veteran Ashley Cole, much to the disappointment of the 18-year-old Saints player.

  ‘I turned my phone off I was so nervous, but then there was a knock at the door. It was someone from the FA sending their condolences,’ admitted Shaw.