Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  Long-time friend Ken Carrick said Tracey and their other team members went for a few pints after they were finished shooting: ‘We were doing rounds and then when it came to Miss Happy (Tracey) she said she had no money left.

  ‘It was always the same with that miserable bitch.’

  Tens of people attended the funeral Mass today. Tracey’s father, John, said a few words.

  ‘It’s just strange someone would take the time to do something like this to my Tracey,’ said Mr Cook, a retired English teacher who had known his daughter since her birth. ‘Everything you’ve heard about her is true. She was incredibly mean and probably the most talentless member of the family.’

  The call centre worker was found brutally stabbed to death in her home on Monday. Gardaí told WWN today that the list of suspects is endless, and that they are not very confident that they will find Tracey’s killer.

  Lifestyle

  Novice crystal meth dealer struggling to live up to Walter White comparisons

  A young college student from County Meath made headlines this week when his part-time business came under scrutiny both at home and in the media.

  Conor Mulcahy, a second year science student at University College Dublin, was featured in the Sunday interview with the Sunday Business Post and gave interviews to local radio.

  ‘It’s been a bit full-on the last few days to be honest,’ admitted the young entrepreneur.

  The cottage industry crystal meth producer told WWN exclusively that, while the publicity for his business was welcome, he was unprepared for some of the criticism.

  ‘You know, you think, get a bit of seed money together, get things off the ground, it’s a fertile market. But people have sort of jumped to prejudge me as a businessman because I don’t have a Walter White-sized drugs empire. I’m only trying my best, to be fair.’

  Chief among the young businessman’s critics have been his parents John and Maura.

  ‘Oh sweet Jesus, the mistakes this boy is making, basic stuff. The purity of the meth is fucking muck,’ opined Maura, raising her voice just enough so as to be heard by her son in the next room.

  ‘We understand it’s not easy but where’s the ambition in our fella?’ asked John. ‘There’s no squeezing out of the competition at all, zero bloodshed. I haven’t heard him telling a single person to “tread lightly”, the pup! Worst of all he hasn’t even picked a snappy alter-ego name yet.

  ‘We’ve suggested a few names, “Methmaster”, “Crystal Conor”, “Conorberg” – he didn’t like that one but sure you dress for the job you want, not the job you have. That’s it, isn’t it?’ Maura offered.

  Local crystal meth user ‘Fingers’ questioned Mulcahy’s drive. ‘If he is all stressful over a little fuss, then I won’t get a good buzz. His bad buzz is my bad buzz, ya know what I mean?’

  Despite the criticism Conor insists he will make a success of the business: ‘I think there is scope to kick on and make money to help me through college. The old pair keep telling me to watch all of Breaking Bad again but, truth be told, I never watched it in the first place.

  ‘If I hear them say, “What would Walter White do?” one more time, I swear to God I’ll kill someone.’

  Gordon D’Arcy’s beard to play as centre against Wales

  The line-ups have been announced ahead of the much-anticipated 6 Nations clash between Ireland and Wales this Saturday. Paul O’Connell is reinstalled after his illness and will captain the side that, at first, appeared to contain no surprise selections. Upon closer inspection of the team sheet, however, it became apparent that Leinster and Ireland centre Gordon D’Arcy had not been selected, overlooked in favour of his dominant beard.

  It may appear a strange call by coach Joe Schmidt, in only his second 6 Nations game, but many pundits believe D’Arcy’s beard could be the key player for the Irish.

  ‘The beard’s relatively inexperienced but the coach has gone with him and we fully support the decision,’ said Brian O’Driscoll, the other half of Ireland’s centre partnership.

  Captain O’Connell confesses he too was surprised by the beard’s inclusion ahead of D’Arcy himself but he expects a good performance. ‘Obviously Gordon will be on the pitch but the beard has evolved to the point where it has reached sentience so will be making all the calls. I’ve been impressed with him at the breakdown but at times he verges on the feral.’

  WHATS ON

  TV PICK OF THE WEEK

  15 Girls, 1 Cup

  Sport: Tuesday, 21.00 – RTÉ2

  Hard-hitting documentary following the ladies of Ballyhock Camogie team, as they mount a challenge for the prestigious Fr. Dooley cup.

  Midweek Movie: Die Hardware

  Action: Wednesday 21.30 – RTÉ1

  A take-no-shit worker in a builders merchants is forced to team up with a straight-laced interior designer to tackle plummeting sales against a backdrop of corruption and murder in this pulse-raising thriller.

  Ryan Giggs set to manage newly-created Man Utd women’s team

  The debut press conference of interim Manchester United manager Ryan Giggs threw up few surprises, though the re-establishment of a women’s team certainly came out of the blue.

  ‘I’m as surprised as you but he made a compelling case for the new team,’ vice-chairman Ed Woodward told WWN exclusively. ‘When Ryan was asked to manage the team after David’s departure we expected it to be a quiet few weeks around the club but Ryan had other plans.’

  Woodward went on to explain that Giggs had made an impassioned plea for a young, fit and attractive footballing side in Manchester and said that he thought a women’s team would fit the bill.

  ‘He gave a PowerPoint presentation and everything, talking about how he would oversee transfer and recruitment policy, starting with his immediate locality as he had already identified a number of targets,’ explained Woodward.

  ‘He went on at great length about yoga pants, the beauty of them and how they had helped to stimulate his off-the-field exercise regime. If I’m being honest he kind of lost me on the yoga pants but the 347 pictures of women in the pants was appreciated nonetheless.’

  It is expected that Giggs may divert all his attention to the women’s game since he has expressed complete confidence in the first team.

  ‘The lads know what to do but the women may need help with the bedding-in process – it’s a tough transition to what is a big club. I will make myself available 24/7 as I’m sure most managers do,’ explained Giggs.

  Diary of a JobBridge intern

  WEEK 7

  Sunday

  Fantastic news, heading to Dublin tomorrow to cover Paddy’s Day parade for WWN. Told to keep bus receipt, so might get reimbursed this time. Will do a lot of research, don’t want to let the paper down. Was beginning to have my doubts about JobBridge but this is really, really great. Mam says I’ll be fine as long as I don’t do anything to embarrass her.

  Tuesday

  Last thing I remember is watching the parade on Dame Street. Nurse in hospital says I was pushed from the path into an oncoming float by some ‘undesirables’, think it was a giant Bosco. My wallet and phone were taken. Really feel like I let WWN down. Email from Paddy said ‘the Waterford News and Star pissed all over our lack of coverage while you pissed into a bedpan’. Told him I’ll learn from my mistakes. Home in bed but Mam says ‘you can think again if you think you’re throwing away your career for some bump’. Crutches making it more difficult to get into work, can’t afford that many taxis.

  Friday

  Paddy suggested I stay over and sleep in work the odd time to save on taxis. Walked into work this morning, it’s a killer with the crutches. Might bring a sleeping bag with me tomorrow. I wrote up an online strategy and a kind of dos and don’ts on social media after Julius was found to be harassing Georgia Salpa on Twitter. Paddy said he’d have a look it at but told me not to use the work printer for my own ‘shite’. I said sorry a lot. New printer cartridges coming out my 50 euro.


  Issue 6

  WEATHER FORECAST

  Ginger warning in place as temperatures soar to 9 degrees today.

  Emergency services called in after Kim Kardashian becomes wedged in Aillwee Caves

  THE HONEYMOON of rap mogul Kanye West and reality TV star Kim Kardashian got off to a sticky start this morning after emergency services were called to the Aillwee Caves in County Clare to help free the new bride who had become hopelessly trapped between two stalagmites.

  Located in the heart of the Burren, the popular tourist attraction was high on Kanye’s to-do list for the five-day stay in Ireland, and the couple headed there early this morning following their arrival at Cork airport yesterday.

  However, during their guided tour of the limestone caverns Mrs West (née Kardashian) found herself posteriorally wedged and unable to continue. Attempts by onsite staff to free her proved unsuccessful and the emergency services were sent for.

  ‘It was an honour to show the Wests around our caves. Kanye is an avid spelunker, and was as excited as a child at the chance to explore the geology and structure of the Ailwee network,’ said Burren tourism chief Adrian O’Meara.

  ‘Mrs West seemed happy to indulge her husband, but as we neared the end of the tour she began to cry for help when she became stuck after misjudging the width of a passageway. Most people utilise the “cats whiskers” method when exploring caves, whereby if a person’s shoulders fit through a gap, the rest should too. Mrs West is a lady whose proportions are the exception to this rule, and she found herself in a lot of bother.’

  Pupils from St Benedict’s Primary School in Roscommon were on a class outing at the time and became trapped behind the star as attempts to free her by Burren safety staff and an E! network camera crew only exacerbated the tightness of the wedging.

  After a fruitless hour of pushing, officials made the call to a local unit of the fire brigade to help free the mother-of-one using specialist equipment and, within fifteen minutes, the scene was attended by every fireman in a tri-county area.

  An hour later, the glamorous couple emerged from the darkness in a somewhat shaken state, and heaped praise on the emergency services for their thoroughness.

  They were whisked away in a Mercedes limousine to enjoy the rest of their honeymoon, although they have cancelled plans to visit the Newgrange Monument in Meath and the Sally Gap in Wicklow.

  ALSO IN THE NEWS

  €22m Kimye museum to be erected to commemorate couple’s honeymoon visit

  Cliffs of Moher to be lowered due to Wild Atlantic Way safety fears

  Up-and-coming comedian to point out ‘hilarious’ Irish character traits for duration of career

  Irish Water ‘delighted’ with bumper harvest so far this year

  AFTER DAYS of torrential rain and stories of widespread damage costing local communities millions of euros, one Irish company has come up trumps thanks to the recent spell of bad weather.

  Irish Water announced today that it was ‘delighted’ with this year’s bumper harvest so far, and urged Irish people not to be so negative when it comes to vast amounts of flooding.

  ‘Rainwater is where most of your drinking water comes from, so be happy there is now an abundance of it for us to sell you,’ explained Irish Water CEO John Tierney. ‘Everyone should look at raindrops as if they are euro coins splashing down on our beautiful country.’

  However, not everyone agreed with Mr Tierney’s analogy.

  ‘I get the whole part where the rain is money all right,’ said Cork city shop owner Gerard Murphy, who recently lost €55,000 worth of stock in the floods. ‘Money that trickles through your fingers and runs off to a large bank of reservoirs where it is sold off again for a tidy profit by a bunch of highly-paid fucktards in suits.’

  There has been an estimated 5 million millimetres of rainfall across the country since this day last week, with another 10 million more to come over the coming fortnight.

  Irish Water stated that if the current windfall keeps up, they might just be able to repair the thousands of water pipes they have broken while trying to install their money meters.

  Emigration will be offered as Leaving Cert subject in 2015

  EMIGRATION IS TO be offered as a Leaving Certificate exam subject, according to Minister for Education Ruairí Quinn today.

  At an event to launch the new school curriculum, Mr Quinn announced his intention to have exams in Emigration available for school leavers by 2015.

  ‘I suppose it gives the “Leaving Cert” a double meaning in a way,’ he joked to the blank-faced teens at the event.

  The official launch in the Osprey Hotel in Naas was attended by students representing some of the hardest-hit areas for unemployment in the country, including Sligo, Leitrim, Donegal and Waterford.

  Under the proposed new system, up to three courses can be taken in place of traditional subjects, leading to the new qualification in Emigration.

  Australian language and geography will replace Irish, with a course in the French-Canadian language being optional for the more new-age emigrant.

  While unable to confirm whether students who pass the course will automatically be presented with a visa, Mr Quinn said he hoped that the new course would ‘encourage them to get out of the country after the Leaving Cert instead of sucking on the social welfare system like their parents’.

  Over 3,000 transition-year students across the country are currently on a trial version of the Emigration course.

  ‘It’s great! There’s like, loads of more better stuff to do in Canada and Australia!’ said 16-year-old Mary Whealan, who currently attends Stella Marie Secondary School in Tramore.

  ‘The fruit-picking looks gas altogether,’ she added.

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  Daniel Day Lewis has won 49 Academy Awards – that’s an average of 3 Oscars for each film he has appeared in.

  ‘God was unaware of church sex abuse,’ claims Vatican

  THE VATICAN last night dismissed suggestions that God our Father had any knowledge of sexual abuse committed by 4,392 Catholic priests over the last sixty years.

  A spokesperson for the Vatican denied that God, who is 6,000-years-old, knew about the ongoing molestations prior to the first reported case twenty-five years ago.

  The supernatural creator and overseer of the universe is named with hundreds of other church officials in a letter written in 2005 suggesting that He, and all those who worked for Him, were aware of paedophile priests.

  Yesterday, Vatican spokesman Fr Gabriele Mancini said he only learned about the allegations against God earlier this year when a copy of the letter was emailed to him, and he was ‘shocked’ by the charges.

  He said in a statement to WWN yesterday that God the Almighty did not know anything about the abuse and was oblivious to the goings-on in the church for most of its history.

  Reading from the statement, Fr Mancini said: ‘The Lord stated categorically that He knew nothing of any misbehaviour committed by any priest between 1950 and 1985. God delegated the religion to the Vatican over 2,000 years ago. He was totally unaware of any wrongdoing.’

  God has yet to respond to the allegations personally. Mancini said things were pretty hectic in the Kingdom of Heaven at the moment and that God was very busy creating really important stuff.

  The letter surfaces in the midst of mounting scrutiny over God’s ‘lack-adaisical’ attitude. Pope Francis said God now needs to react to the controversy with a ‘bolt of lightning’.

  ‘These allegations are ludicrous,’ he said. ‘You can’t just accuse God the Almighty of something and then expect to get away with it. The next few years are going to be tough on us all.’

  Ireland ‘unaware’ Leitrim not in the news for over three years, finds news report

  ‘JESUS, YOU’RE RIGHT and all,’ uttered a shocked Brian Dobson when, in between ad breaks during The Nine O’Clock News, it was brought to his attention that County Leitrim has not been in the news for the past three years.


  Dobson, one of RTÉ’s most prominent news-readers, had checked his Twitter feed while waiting to come back on air and a Twitter user had made light of the fact that no one really talks about County Leitrim.

  ‘I had one of the Job-Bridge interns check the Ireland ‘unaware’ Leitrim not in the news for over three years, finds news report, archives for me once he had finished washing my car and turns out it is true.’

  A rare combination of nothing happening in Leitrim and the rest, of the country forgetting about the county provided the perfect conditions for nothing noteworthy happening for over three years.

  The proud people of Leitrim themselves admitted that even they hadn’t noticed that there had been no news whatsoever from the county over the last 36 months.

  Mayor of Leitrim town Tony Leahy shared his surprise with WWN: ‘It’s a funny old thing, isn’t it? I suppose I cut the hedge August last but other than that nothing really stands out.’

  Leitrim finally made its welcome return to the news when RTÉ carried a report about Leitrim not being in the news in its late-night news bulletin.

  Supermac’s receives its first Michelin star

  THERE HAS BEEN cause for celebration in Galway today as Irish fastfood chain Supermac’s received its first ever Michelin star.

  While many were surprised to learn that Supermac’s had not already been awarded the star, Irish people up and down the country are said to be beaming with pride as news of the award spreads.

  The Michelin Guide, which awards stars to restaurants for the high standard and quality of their food, was established in 1900. It continues to set the standard by which most leading restaurants throughout the world are judged worthy of their reputations.

  Ireland’s latest recipients of the prestigious award have welcomed the news. ‘It’s about bloody time, let’s be honest,’ shared Supermac’s head chef Davor Bisnek. ‘I was beginning to lose faith in the Michelin Guide but today they’ve shown they know what they are talking about.’