Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  TECH GIANT Microsoft has unveiled a new electronic device designed to permanently end relationships at its headquarters in Washington DC today.

  Don Mattrick, spokesman for Microsoft, has said that the Ex-Box One will ‘revolutionise the breaking-up process’, and that it is set to take the western world by storm.

  ‘The Ex-Box One is guaranteed to provide hundreds of hours of enjoyment and terminate any partnership within six months – all for under $1,000,’ Mattrick said at an international press conference held this morning. ‘Romantic relationships cost the average male thousands of dollars every year. The beauty of this device is that it can be used time and time again with as many partners as you want.’

  The console plugs directly into any TV and comes with an optional internet connection. Tests have shown that using the internet connection option can end relationships within only one week of purchase.

  ‘Trial runs have shown that, once online, the user loses track of time and disconnects from reality,’ he said. ‘This wreckingball formula has been tried and tested with our old system for years, with some outstanding results.’

  Experts say 87 per cent of break-ups in the last 10 years are directly linked to the Xbox and similar devices on the market.

  Playstation widow Amy Fields lost her partner in 2008. She told WWN that she was disgusted at the news.

  ‘James bought a Play-Station 3 in December 2007, and by July 2008 it was all over,’ she wept. ‘Knowing that there will be more widows again this year is heart-breaking. It just brings it all back.’

  Sony and Microsoft have dominated the games console market for almost a decade, with the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 each selling approximately 77 million units to date, leading to the destruction of more than 100 million relationships.

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  HONDA CIVIC

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  Lifestyle

  Dublin Girl proud of herself for not judging black taxi driver

  Dublin Girl Emer Reilly is reportedly feeling very proud of herself, following a racist-thought-free taxi journey through the city centre late last night.

  Following a late dinner in the Rustic Stone restaurant, Emer said goodbye to her friends and jumped in a taxi, hoping to get home to Rathmines in a timely fashion.

  It was only after putting the key in the door of her apartment that Emer realised she had completely forgotten to judge her taxi driver unfairly, whom she believed to be from ‘Nigeria or somewhere’.

  As soon as Emer made the realisation, she took to WhatsApp to share the monumental news with several of her friends.

  ‘Guys, had a Nigerian taxi driver. Full on didn’t judge him. So proud.’ Emer’s best friend Amy responded with words of praise and amazement as she admitted that she herself was unable to feel relaxed in the company of a black taxi driver.

  Other friends were less effusive, with Ciara replying, ‘oh my God Emer you’re crazy, you should always wave down another taxi. I’m not being racist but, like, everyone has had a bad experience with them. They don’t even bother with GPS, Emer!’

  ‘I was genuinely surprised by my lack of judgement. I didn’t even check the doors to see if they were locked or anything. Now it might have had something to do with my being tipsy, but still, it counts, right? Thankfully my skirt was below knee length so there wasn’t much on show for him to gawk at,’ Emer shared with WWN.

  Emer was deservedly basking in her non-judgemental attitude toward black taxi drivers when she made a disturbing realisation. Taking to WhatsApp again, Emer shared with her friends a worrying development. ‘Sorry guys, Ciara you’re right. Just remembering now I sat up in the front seat, maybe I am crazy. Seriously, lucky to be alive’.

  The Association of Black Taxi Drivers of Dublin (ABTDD) have responded positively to Emer’s story.

  ‘It is wonderful to hear we are not being adversely judged or stereotyped. Really, they are such kind words to hear from a customer. We do concede on the point that half the time we don’t have a clue where we are going, but we’re working very hard to rectify that,’ said head of ABTDD Jeremy Soyinka.

  Reeling in the Years: The Ku Klux Karnival, Tramore, 1904

  They may not be known as the friendliest white supremacists in the world, but the Ku Klux Klan actually erected Ireland’s first Ferris wheel in Tramore in 1904.

  The Ferris wheel was a major attraction at the time and was ideally located right next to Waterford train station where all incoming visitors could see it.

  Thousands of beachgoers rode the fifty foot ‘wheel of steel’ every summer at a cost of four pence each. As a mark of respect to the group who ran it, revellers wore white robes and conical hats while they took their turn on the wheel, peering through narrow eye holes at the magnificent sea views.

  The Ku Klux Karnival’s Ferris wheel made the Guinness Book of Records in 1986 for being the longest-running fairground attraction in the world. However, due to the massive influx of asylum seekers in 1999, and the ride’s subtle racist undertones, the Ku Klux Karnival wheel eventually had to be dismantled.

  The parts and original costumes were used to refurbish the amusement park’s ghost train in 2003.

  Brian O’Driscoll takes well-deserved shit on Grafton Street after being granted freedom of Dublin

  Rugby star Brian O’Driscoll celebrated his newly-granted freedom of Dublin city this morning by taking a well-deserved shit on Grafton Street.

  O’Driscoll, who is widely regarded as Ireland’s best ever Rugby Union player, made his way to the capital’s busiest street at half past seven this morning to take the dump – something, he said, had been on the cards for a ‘long, long time’.

  ‘I’ve always wanted to do this,’ he told a small crowd of press photographers. ‘The last time I took a crap this good was in O’Gara’s hotel bed in 2008.’

  The 35-year-old is the 77th person to receive the freedom of the city, following in the footsteps of Nelson Mandela, Bill Clinton, John F. Kennedy and Bono. However, O’Driscoll is the first ever recipient to publicly defecate under his new-found freedom.

  ‘I think I’ll come back tomorrow and go for a naked jog around St Stephen’s Green,’ he said while wiping himself off. ‘There is so much potential with this freedom thing. I’m absolutely honoured.’

  Among the ancient privileges afforded to a Freeman is the right to park anywhere in the city’s boundaries without paying for a ticket, the right to taunt members of the public with red hair and the right to adopt homeless people for domestic labour.

  Diary of a JobBridge intern

  WEEK 13

  Wednesday

  Another 21-days-in-a-row stint. Been asked to digitise all of WWN past editions. They’ve been around since the 1900s, so not easy. Asked Julius if he knew where the scanner was but he told me to ‘fuck off’ – still lots of banter flying about. Went into the toilet and had a cry for ten minutes. Never done that before – it was weird. Think working through lunch all the time got to me or something. Started to write a letter to Joan Burton, just have a few questions about JobBridge. I’m thinking maybe it could be a bit better somehow. Mam says it was harder in the 1980s and I’m just being ungrateful so didn’t send the letter in the end.

  Friday

  F
riday drinks went better than usual – I was invited. Terry told me to stay sober so I could drive him home. In the end, he made me sit in the passenger’s seat – was struggling to hit the brakes anyway with my cast. I think we killed a fox. He was a bit worse for wear – ended up passing out in his hallway and fell back on the front door, locking me out. Had used my crutches as well to get up the driveway, so they were in the house with him. Had to walk back into the city because I’m broke.

  Saturday

  Learning a lot from digitising the records. The paper kept slaves once, but they published an apology when they were found out. In fairness, 1953 was a different time. Decided to look up slave labour on Wikipedia, some really interesting stuff, made me realise I’ve got it a lot better than most. Mentioned to Ciara that we should really switch servers and work out a fail-safe storage system for all the digital records.

  Issue 9

  WEATHER FORECAST

  Showers will hold off until closing time when the skies will open on the drunken masses. Enjoy!

  Fyffes and Chiquita merger brings end to violent ‘banana wars’

  PHALLIC FRUIT MARKET to see ease in tensions following announcement of merger.

  It was the merger the fruit-loving world was waiting for as Fyffes and Chiquita finally put long-standing differences aside to merge. The much-publicised deal comes after years of bad blood between the companies who have been hell-bent on gaining market superiority. Fyffes and Chiquita broke off all diplomatic ties in the early 1990s, resulting in global tensions and causing several hundred killings that drew worldwide condemnation.

  Banana expert Barry Logan explained all to WWN. ‘As consumers we just don’t realise the bloodshed that comes about as a result of our demand for bananas. The “banana wars” saw both companies try to steal patents, banana experts and, in some of the worst cases, actual bananas.’

  Logan, the author of a number of ‘banana wars’ books, went on to detail the crimes perpetrated by each company. ‘Fyffes had the patent for the straightest banana, then of course Chiquita poured millions into researching how to make banana-eaters feel less shameful about eating a phallic-shaped fruit in public. It’s a great day for banana-based peace, if you forget about all the people who were murdered.’

  News of the merger has been welcomed by the majority of the world, but there are some people who have doubts.

  ‘That’s great and everything but who is going to replace my leg,’ shared ex-Fyffes worker Fred Coulter. ‘When we brought out our “five times better” slogan, we knew there would be reprisals from Chiquita, and as luck would have it the bomb they placed was under my car. Still haven’t seen any compensation,’ concluded the frustrated ex-employee.

  Fyffes and Chiquita announced the construction of a 500-foot-tall monument to mark their reconciliation and to remember those lost in the violent struggle.

  The monument will depict a banana being peeled, in a very non-suggestive manner, thanks to the extensive research carried out by Chiquita in the mid-1990s.

  ALSO IN THE NEWS

  Kilkenny hurler put to sleep after snapping cruciate ligaments

  Tipperary farmer puts horse before cart resulting in twelve-car pile-up

  Kate and William announce they are taking a one-month holiday from their lifelong holiday

  Teenager catches her death in that thing

  TRAGEDY STRUCK a close-knit community in the capital yesterday following the death of 16-year-old student Clara Hegarty.

  WWN has learned that Clara, from the leafy Dublin suburb of Stillorgan, defied her father, who had pleaded with her not to wear ‘that thing’ because he feared she would catch her death.

  The transition year student was later found frozen to a bus stop bench where she had been waiting for friends, only 200 metres from the family home.

  ‘If I told her once, I told her a thousand times,’ her father Noel told WWN, holding back the tears. ‘You know the last thing I said to her? “So that’s what passes for clothes these days, is it?” And that was it, she was gone out the door.’

  WWN understands that Clara left her home at 6.30 p.m. yesterday evening and was last seen wearing what she claimed was a skirt, but was ‘more like a belt’, and a top that her father pointed out was ‘no bigger than a handkerchief’.

  Thousands of Irish teenagers are believed to ignore warnings from their parents on the dangers of not ‘wrapping up’ in cold, mild or even warm conditions.

  Clara’s mother Joanne hopes her daughter’s story will encourage other girls to dress more appropriately for the weather.

  ‘Our Clara thought she was invincible. We tried to talk to her but she wouldn’t listen – we put it down to us being out of touch. When I think back now we regularly let her go out of an evening with her arse out for the world to see. A tragedy like this must never happen again,’ the distraught mother told WWN.

  Clara is not believed to be the first teenager to catch her death in that thing but it is hoped this sad news will serve as a warning to other teenagers.

  Gardaí who were on the scene have sent out a warning to parents of teenage girls. ‘We see it every day, going out in “that thing” is a recipe for disaster with many teenagers taking their life in their hands. We urge parents to enforce the “below the knee” and “no belly showing” policy that has served us so well over the years.’

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  Applicants for the Jeremy Kyle show must have an IQ of 54 or less.

  Cork lad thinks about Cork every three seconds

  CONAL LYNCH, a proud Cork native, struggled to concentrate in work this afternoon, WWN can exclusively reveal.

  Sitting on the third floor, looking out over Harcourt Street in the Nation’s capital, Conal thought to himself, ‘It’s, no Princes Street’.

  The 26-year-old accountant found himself growing ever more restless throughout his working day, his head filled with thoughts of a drive out to Inchydoney, a Café Gusto sandwich and a pint in The Bodega.

  To the untrained eye, it appeared that Conal was doing a solid day’s work but upon closer inspection it could be seen that, just beneath his ashenfaced silence, Conal was obsessing over his native Cork at a rate of once every three seconds.

  When a co-worker asked if Conal wanted to go out for lunch, he responded, ‘Yeah, of Cork… eh, I mean, of course,’ such was the Cork-shaped fog surrounding his brain.

  This all-consuming fixation rendered him use less to his co-workers, as he stared longingly at his screensaver – the Cork coat of arms. The effect of being so engrossed in all things Cork while stuck up in Dublin is akin to the effect of a mild stroke, with Conal bereft of movement and stuck in a dangerous inert state.

  As his will to live in Dublin visibly drained from him, he reached the momentous decision that he was going to take the Friday off and make a real weekend out of it back home.

  PETA calls for Patrick’s Day boycott over saint’s history of reptile abuse

  PEOPLE for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has called for a worldwide ban on Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations due to the missionary’s past history with snakes in Ireland.

  The animal rights group said the patron saint was nothing more than a ‘sadistic reptile-hater’ who took pleasure in killing animals in the name of religion.

  In a 300-page document released today, PETA demanded that the fifth-century bishop be denounced by the Catholic church over his history of snake abuse, which totally eradicated the defenceless reptile from the island for good.

  ‘Saint Patrick was to snakes what McDonalds are to cows,’ read the statement, which was published on the PETA website earlier today. ‘What he did was genocide – killing millions of beautiful creatures for his own political gain.

  ‘As People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, we ask the good people of the world to boycott this farce of a celebration. Patrick was a man who “got off” on killing harmless animals. Irish people around the world should be ashamed of themselves for worshipping suc
h a charlatan. God would never agree to banishing his own creation from any country.’

  Saint Patrick’s day 2015 is expected to be celebrated by over one billion people on Tuesday, 17 March. However, many Irish citizens have already vowed to take part in PETA’s boycott of the event, in a bid to raise awareness about the atrocities carried out by the Irish patron saint.

  ‘I never really thought about it like that,’ said one animal rights campaigner from Dublin. ‘I always knew Saint Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland, but I never asked myself how he did it.’

  It is estimated that the British-born Christian slaughtered over 300,000 reptiles in his thirty years on the island, from 432 to 461AD.

  Waterford woman needs a lend of two euros for the bus

  MOTHER OF NONE Janet Harris approached yet another stranger today in a city centre car park requesting a ‘lend of two euros’ for the bus home, it has been reported.

  Ms Harris, who has been desperately trying to raise the price of the fare for the past three months, was again told to move on by a shopping centre security guard, but she refused point-blank.

  ‘It’s a free country,’ she shouted, before spitting on the ground in front of him. ‘Fuck off and mind your own business, ya fucking pig bastard ya.’

  It is not known exactly how much money she still needs to raise for the ticket, but staff members at the shopping centre believe it could well be hundreds of euros.

  ‘She must be getting the Eurolines bus to Berlin or something,’ said Teresa Power, who runs a local beauty salon. ‘In the last three weeks I’m after giving her at least thirty euros alone. Hopefully she’ll make the fare soon enough. The weather hasn’t treated her well either. She looks wrecked.’

  Shoppers at the centre have come to know Ms Harris personally over the last three months, stating she’s ‘a bit of a character at the back of it all’.