Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  A Waterford city council meeting will take place to discuss the worrying increase in people parking directly on top of the elderly. Tuesday, 7.30 p.m., Council Buildings.

  Catholic Church announces it’s gay

  THE VATICAN made the shock announcement today that the Catholic Church ‘is gay’, and its decision to ‘come out of the closet’ has rocked the religious world.

  Speaking from Rome today, Pope Francis said the decision to reveal the church’s homosexuality was a difficult one, and didn’t just come about overnight.

  ‘We have been nervous about coming out for years,’ said the Pope. ‘The church has always been gay, and we were worried about what others might think or say about us. When you are perceived as straight for such a long time, it’s hard to convince people otherwise.’ He went on to explain that the church’s silence had long prevented the Vatican from helping its followers, and agreed with fellow cardinals and bishops that today would be a great day to come out as gay.

  ‘I suppose our main worry was telling Our Father, who art in Heaven,’ admitted the pontiff. ‘He seems to be all right with it though. I mean, He hasn’t said anything back about it.’

  Religious experts believe a knock-on effect on other religions is likely, and that the revelation may simply be an ingenious ploy orchestrated by the church to redeem itself.

  ‘This really puts the ball into Islam’s court,’ said religious historian and author, Dan Brown. ‘We are looking at a very clever game play by the Vatican.’

  Vatican officials have denied that the decision to come out was a political one, and have defended their announcement, adding, ‘The reason we have always chosen not to marry is because we don’t actually like the opposite sex.’

  Meanwhile, Catholics here in Ireland have said that the news didn’t come as a surprise, and others have praised the church’s bravery.

  ‘I think we all knew the church was gay,’ said pensioner Peggy Farrell. ‘All that young boy stuff was a dead giveaway.’

  87 per cent of children involved in minor accidents ‘Grand before they’re married’

  A GROUNDBREAKING new study has found that the majority of children who are involved in minor accidents in the home are ‘grand before they’re married’.

  The study, which was carried out by a group, from the University of Limerick, followed 300 children over a twenty-year period.

  It found that just 13 per cent of those injured at a young age did not fully recover from their childhood injuries, compared to a staggering 87 per cent of children who did.

  ‘We have confirmed that parents up and down the country were right in telling their children they’d be grand before they’re married,’ said head researcher Professor Brendan Tierney. ‘Hopefully these new findings will ease the minds of young children who happen to fall down and hurt themselves.’

  Scientists also found that the vast majority of children who made funny faces during a change of wind did not develop lifelong, paralysis of the face, contrary to the claims of many of the parents who took part in the study.

  ‘This seems to be an absolute myth and we cannot find any scientific evidence to back it,’ added Professor Tierney. ‘Facial expressions don’t become permanent if the wind changes.’

  Overall the study, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, concluded that time will heal most childhood cuts and bruises, and that parents can be ‘full of shit’ at times.

  Lifestyle Father’s Day

  10 things every Irish Dad does

  To celebrate Father’s Day, we’re tackling the Irish Dad who, try as he might, can’t help but commit these ‘classic dad moments’ that stay with you long after you’ve grown up.

  1 You knew you had an Irish Dad of the absolute highest order when he confronted Billy Cummings, your under-10 GAA coach after your match against Ballyfinn Gaels. Is there any better way for a father to show his love than breaking a grown man’s nose because he took you off the pitch at half-time?

  2 We’ve all been there: Mammy’s good old Sunday roast is on the table and everyone is waiting, but classic Irish Dad strikes again! He’s running late from a meeting with his mistress and by the time he gets home the food is cold and Mammy is crying, LOL! You’ve probably lost count of how many times she had to heat his dinner up.

  3 Summers at the beach – you can’t beat them. But that quintessentially Irish holiday by the seaside wouldn’t be complete if Irish Dad didn’t neglect basic water safety and let his four-year-old wade, unsupervised, into the ocean. You almost drowned because he was too busy eyeing up the teenage girls in their bikinis! Memories for life.

  4 Remember Irish Dad’s classic inspirational speeches? ‘You’ll never amount to anything, you’re no child of mine.’ No matter the occasion, he could always bring a tear to your eye.

  5 Any Irish Dad worth his salt will regularly take you to the pub on weeknights to ‘get you out of the house’. After nine or ten pints and an argument with the barman, he speeds down the back roads to get you home before Mammy gives out. Out of nowhere a pedestrian slams into the windscreen, dying on impact. ‘It’s our little secret,’ your father says. Could he be any more of an Irish Dad if he tried?

  6 You can’t wait to start your final year of college, but a certain Irish Dad made a poor investment with that SSIA money once it matured. Now he can’t afford to pay for your fees or your accommodation in Dublin. You have no choice but to drop out – and remember, it’s your fault, because you know ‘the price of everything and the value of nothing’. Vintage Irish Dad behaviour alert!

  7 Here’s something everyone remembers fondly – you’ve just made your First Holy Communion and your communion money is safely stored in a jar in your room. But your dad, true to Irish Dad form, needs it for Therese who is after getting herself pregnant, and he certainly doesn’t have ‘boat money’, whatever that is, lying around.

  8 You’re woken up in the middle of the night by your older brother John. His face is black and blue, and he tells you he’s ‘getting out of this hell hole, leaving that monster’ and that you should do the same once you’re old enough to stand up to your Irish Dad. You never see your brother again, but to be honest you’re not sure what this has to do with Dad at all really.

  9 Whoops! Christmas has been cancelled again because someone is after throwing his bonus away in the bookies. Irish Dad, much?

  10 Years of undermining your efforts through snide and belittling comments ultimately forces an irreparable wedge between you and your Irish Dad. Try as you might to hold back, you tell him exactly how worthless he made you feel as you deliver his graveyard eulogy. Classic Irish Dad.

  Ballymun Father’s Day edition of Guess Who? goes on sale this week

  Hasbro have announced the release of a new special Father’s Day edition of its popular two-player guessing game, Guess Who?

  The method of play is the same as in the original game. Players start the game with a board that includes images of 24 possible fathers and their first names. Each player then picks from a deck of cards featuring the same 24 images. The object of the game is to be the first to determine who is the daddy of the opposite player.

  Players alternate asking yes-no questions to eliminate candidates, such as ‘does he have a swallow tattoo on his neck?’ or ‘has he any teeth left in his head?’

  Well-crafted questions allow players to eliminate more than one possible card at the same time. The player who guesses the correct father first wins the game.

  Guess Who’s Your Daddy? has sparked some controversy due to its taboo nature, but Hasbro have stated that all 24 Ballymun males selected for the game have agreed to have their pictures used in the game’s line-up. The fathers were selected by Hasbro after a meeting with the local health board early last March, and the chosen 24 are said to be the top child donors in the estate.

  ‘Sure I don’t give a fuck,’ said Damo, 23. ‘They can guess away, they’re gettin’ nothin’ off me if they come lookin’, boi!
Off with ye.’

  The game will go on sale this Father’s Day in all good toy stores and will retail at €9.99. Smyths have stated that there is already a large waiting list and advise customers to pre-order to save any disappointment.

  Support group opens for fathers who are allowed to see their children

  Cork man Tony Hickey describes men like himself as forgotten. ‘Unless you’ve been through it you’ve no idea what it’s like,’ he says, fighting back tears.

  For well over a decade, Tony has been allowed, even encouraged, to see his children. ‘They grow up so slowly,’ sighs Tony. He describes his teenage son, Adam, as ‘a little prick that you couldn’t warm to.’

  Tony recently started a support group in Cork city for fathers in similar situations. WWN attended one of these meetings to find out what the men had to say.

  Cian Welsh, a 25-year-old unemployed man, described being allowed see your children as ‘no joke’.

  ‘One minute you’re in Charlies [an early morning house in the city] off your game with a dirty knock [promiscuous lady] in tow, the next there are these strange little shitty-arsed creatures pulling at your face and getting sick in your ears. It’s like a nightmare except… it’s real,’ says Cian, who has to stop at this point to have a ‘touch of a panic attack’.

  Larry Flynn nods along. Of his daughters Jessica (8), and Lucy (6), he says, ‘I wouldn’t say I hate them … It’s just that we have very little in common. I like golf trips, dinner with the wife, weekends away with the girlfriend … they like crying, cartoons, doing their homework – that sort of thing.’

  It’s to their credit that, in spite of the trauma the men have endured, they are still capable of seeing the humour in their difficulties.

  Martin O’ Meara has the group chuckling as he tells them about a recent stunt he pulled at a child access hearing concerning his son. ‘I dressed up as Jimmy Saville – sunglasses, white wig, the whole shebang – hoping the judge would think I was a kiddie-fiddler.’

  These men are unlikely to not see their children anytime soon – that they know. But even though each has his own tale of woe, now, at least, they fall on sympathetic ears. That is what gives them hope; that and their constant prayers to some kind of deity they refer to as ‘The Bogeyman’.

  Issue 12

  WEATHER FORECAST

  Pure shite.

  Government detaches unemployed county of Waterford from mainland in dramatic new welfare cut

  THE IRISH government detached the entire county of Waterford from the mainland today in a dramatic new welfare cut, saving the country billions of euros in unemployment benefits and maintenance bills.

  The 1,857 km2 landmass was physically detached along its borders and pulled out to sea by more than 900 tug boats at 4 p.m. this afternoon. All 113,707 residents of the now independent state of Waterford were given notice of the division earlier this morning via post.

  The government made the decision to ‘cut Waterford off altogether’ after recent job losses.

  Taoiseach Enda Kenny stated that he was very sorry for the people of Waterford and added that there was nothing else the government could do on the matter.

  ‘It’s like amputating a gangrenous leg – you just have to do it,’ he said in an official statement.

  Residents on the island of Waterford are now protesting at the government’s lack of commitment to the county.

  ‘This is just typical of the Irish government. Just sweep it under the carpet or send it out to sea,’ one angry local told WWN.

  ‘I am sick to the teeth of Waterford being treated like some kind of redhaired stepchild.‘

  ‘The rest of the country doesn’t give a flying snot about us. We might as well just paddle this baby to Spain. At least there we’d get proper health care and weather.’

  The island of Waterford is now situated 100 miles south of the mainland.

  The division ran along the river Suir, controversially leaving everything north of the river to county Kilkenny.

  In a statement today the government said they will continue to provide Gardai, doctors and other civil servants until 1 January 2015, giving the new Free State some time to organise its own.

  The Republic of Waterford will be excluded from all national hurling, football and soccer leagues.

  ALSO IN THE NEWS

  Guy who can’t even manage to tie his tie is your boss

  Six-year-old who puts his hand up in class diagnosed with ADHD

  Stephen Hawking admits he gets most of his information from Wikipedia

  Dublin Bus driver hailed a ‘hero’ for breaking twenty euro note

  A DUBLIN BUS driver was hailed as a ‘hero’ yesterday for breaking a twenty euro note for a passenger who forgot to bring the exact fare.

  Mark Donovan arrived at the bus stop shortly after 3 p.m., but found himself in a spot of bother as he realised that he had no change. After numerous failed change inquiries with fellow commuters, Mark decided to brave-face the driver of the 46A into town.

  Purposely waiting last in the queue, the 24-year-old father-of-none stepped onto the vehicle, already anxious about the scenario that lay ahead.

  ‘I seen a young fella in a t-shirt and jeans getting on with sheep’s eyes.’ recalled one eyewitness, who was sitting at the front of the bus. ‘When he opened his mouth, I knew I was in for a treat.’

  Several sources confirm that Donovan approached the driver and said ‘Sorry, I have nothing smaller’ in an apologetic tone before handing the driver a crisp twenty euro note.

  ‘The passenger next to me put her hand over her mouth in shock,’ said one man. ‘It was a very tense moment. What happened next will stay with me for the rest of my life.’

  Witnesses claim the driver, without a moment’s hesitation, reached for what looked like an aluminium money container situated on the dashboard.

  ‘He didn’t even flinch,’ reported Derek Casey, who stood up from his seat to get a better look at what was unfolding. ‘The driver was so nice and didn’t say a word about the enormous sum of money he had been handed. It was like there was no such thing as an “exact change” rule.

  ‘He started popping one and two euro coins out of the machine. The poor lad got it all back in change, but beggars can’t be choosers.’

  It is understood that Mr Donovan took his change and thanked the driver before walking down the aisle of the bus to take a seat.

  ‘Everyone was quite emotional at this stage,’ said another passenger. ‘One man halfway down the bus stood up and started doing this really slow clap. Then another man stood up and joined him. By the time the young fella sat down everyone was applauding the actions of the bus driver. It was a beautiful moment.’

  Bus driver Thomas Egan told WWN that he was overwhelmed at the response he had received, and vowed to continue giving out change no matter how big the note might be.

  ‘It’s just nice to be appreciated for absolutely every little thing I do,’ he said. ‘Maybe now people will respect bus drivers more.’

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  A secret third Seoige sister, Ainé, is believed to exist. Rumour has it that she is kept in the attic and rarely fed due to her aversion to the Irish language.

  New DNA evidence reveals Marley did not shoot deputy

  FRESH FORENSIC evidence has posthumously cleared Jamaican singer-songwriter Bob Marley of the 1974 murder of an unnamed deputy sheriff, investigators have stated today.

  Nesta Robert ‘Bob’ Marley, who died in 1981, was blamed for the shootings ‘all around in his home town’ of Sheriff John Brown and his deputy. Marley admitted the killing of John Brown as an act of self-defence, but always denied the murder of his deputy.

  At a 1976 concert, he said, ‘Oh, now, now. Oh! I shot the sheriff, the sheriff. But I swear it was in self-defence. Oh, no! Ooh, ooh, oo-oh Yeah! I say: I shot the sheriff – Oh, Lord! – And they say it is a capital offence. Yeah! Ooh, ooh, oo-oh yeah!

  ‘I shot the sheriff. But I didn’t shoo
t no deputy, oh no! Oh!’ he added.

  The incident haunted Marley’s home town, where various people were ‘trying to track him down’.

  Marley claimed that Sheriff John Brown had always had a vendetta against him – to the extent that he ordered the brutal murder of the young singer’s unborn children: ‘Sheriff John Brown always hated me, For what, I don’t know. Every time I plant a seed, he said kill it before it grow – he said kill them before they grow.’

  Bob Marley was never convicted of either crime but, until his untimely demise at the age of just 36, had to live with the blame from his local people.

  Toddler gives not one single fuck about zoo

  A TRIP TO DUBLIN ZOO by Waterford couple Mark and Brenda Hart and their 15-month-old son Jack took place at the weekend, despite the child’s absolute lack of interest in anything other than scribbling and banging bits of Lego together.

  Showing utter disregard for his parents’ €170 season ticket, the young man spent the entire excursion in his stroller chewing his blankie, pausing only for his midday bottle and a nap that lasted until he was halfway back down the M9.

  Attempts by his parents to get him to look at the ‘roar-roar’ or the ‘stinky hippo’ proved fruitless, as the disinterested child defiantly gazed at the sky while squirming and pulling at the restraints of his pushchair.

  A trip to the simian habitat descended into chaos when Mark lifted his son onto his shoulders to give him a better view of the ‘silly monkeys being silly’, causing the irritated infant to pitch an epic tantrum that drew tuts from surrounding families and curious stares from an orangutan.

  Photos uploaded to his mother’s Facebook page in an album titled ‘Jack’s First Trip to the Zoo!’ show the headstrong bairn slouched in his buggy in front of an array of animal enclosures, including one taken in front of the penguin pool in which the trace of a smile can be seen on his Milkybar-covered face and an awkward selfie with his mam in which the mane of a lion can be sort of seen in the far distance.