Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  Help is at hand for Bernie, who has signed up for a programme of counselling to try to cure his affliction.

  ‘I’m attending speech therapy sessions in the Mater Hospital,’ Bernie told us, while struggling not to break into a Waterford accent. ‘The therapist is very good, we go through several scenarios and I try to react to them using my own accent. The sessions are very helpful, as long as I don’t talk to any of the porters on the way out.’

  Unemployed must ‘pretend’ to look for jobs, says Burton

  THE MINISTER for social protection, Joan Burton, has warned today that the long-term unemployed must now ‘pretend’ to look for jobs or they will be ‘threatened’ with losing their benefits for ever and ever.

  Pretending to Look for Work – launched by Taoiseach Enda Kenny, Tánaiste Eamon Gilmore and Joan Burton – aims to get thousands of unemployed people falsifying documents and editing old job reply emails to show they have been pretending to look for work.

  Ms Burton said that the scheme will introduce a whole new level of document manipulation, where people who don’t, particularly want to work can engage in fraudulent activities from their home PCs.

  She said: ‘There are plenty of editing programmes available online. Photoshop can easily be downloaded for free on Torrent, so people have no excuse when pretending to look for work.’

  Ms Burton warned that, some guy in Cork had already lost his social welfare benefits for handing in a rejection letter that was dated 2003.

  ‘It is important that, there are no mistakes on the Looking for Work forms,’ she added. ‘Amateurism will not be tolerated. If you’re going do it, do it right!’

  The social welfare department will, also issue thousands of overly complicated questionnaires relating to every little detail of your life. If the chosen job-seekers do not fill in the forms correctly their benefits will be cut off without prior notice.

  The minister said the new scheme is designed to make people ‘work for their dole’.

  ‘Stuffed’ Shergar found in sitting room of McFeely home

  CHAMPIONSHIP race-horse Shergar was found stuffed in Tom McFeely’s home earlier today.

  A Garda source confirmed that the Criminal Assets Bureau (CAB) had ordered a full-scale search of a mansion on Ailesbury Road in Ballsbridge, south Dublin, after a plumber discovered €140,000 there last Friday.

  The former IRA hunger striker and bankrupt developer was later arrested at the scene and brought to Store Street Garda station for questioning.

  Mr McFeely has recently been embroiled in a court case involving the controversial Priory Hall development in Donaghmede, north Dublin, where some sixty-five families were forced to move out of the complex in October 2011 after experts deemed it a fire hazard and a string of construction defects were found.

  It is understood that the taxidermied animal was found in a glass case at the back of the McFeely sitting room, wearing full racing gear, including the horse’s original colours and saddle.

  ‘I entered the premises at around ten o’clock and was blown away to find a life-sized horse just standing there staring at me with one black button for an eye,’ said Detective Gerard Mackey. ‘There was a large wooden plaque bearing the name Shergar in a comic sans font at the bottom of the case.’

  A Garda forensics team later confirmed that the DNA taken from the stuffed horse was indeed Shergar’s.

  The famous horse was stolen from a stud farm in 1983 by the provisional IRA to raise money for weapons. Garda sources have confirmed that it has been moved to a secure location in the city where it is believed to be in a stable condition.

  Lifestyle

  ‘Your dog is shit and outdated,’ thinks husky owner

  A Sakhalin husky owner today admitted to thinking that your dog is absolutely shit and outdated compared to his dog.

  Jamie Taylor was out walking his 40 kilo pet when he came to the conclusion, stating that all other dog breeds are just crap in comparison to huskies.

  ‘Look at the state of that knacker dog over there,’ said the maths teacher, pointing at a woman with a golden setter. ‘I bet that ginger fuck wouldn’t last two minutes in the North Pole dragging a sleigh.’

  Mr Taylor spoke to WWN as he brought his Japanese husky for a five-hour walk around the park.

  ‘Yeah, they can be a very demanding breed all right,’ he panted, as he was pulled along. ‘But it’s worth it just to have a better-looking dog than everyone else.

  ‘Just look at her eyes, not a bit of goo in them, and that coat is to die for!’

  In his latest book On the Dog Walk, fashion guru Gok Wan advised that huskies were ‘hot’ this year and urged fellow dog owners to ‘get with the times and buy a breed of husky’.

  ‘Huskies are soooOOOOoo in right now,’ he said. ‘There is no shame in handing your current drab, dull-looking mutt into an animal shelter. After all, a dog is a reflection of yourself, and who wants to be a scruffy terrier or spaniel, for Christ’s sake?’

  On the Dog Walk has sparked outrage among animal rights campaigners here and in the UK.

  But what the hell do they know about fashion anyway?

  The 7 best days of the week

  WWN brings you all the latest in essential lists of things with this, the definitive guide to the 7 best days of the week, in no particular order.

  Monday

  Known to one and all as the beginning of the week but that wasn’t always the case for Monday. Up until 1971 Ireland started its working week at 2.30 p.m. on a Wednesday until someone from America told us we were doing it all wrong.

  Sunday

  The Irish state purchased Sunday from the Catholic Church in late 2006 for an unspecified sum but it is still a day toward which the Irish public has mixed feelings. An extensive rebranding of the day was postponed due to the recession. The current government shows little appetite for taking up the project any time soon.

  Wednesday

  Wednesday, or ‘not the weekend’ as it is known amongst the mad bastard community, has always served Irish people well and has a distinct look and feel which no one can quite pin down. ‘It’s feeling very much like a Wednesday’ is a common phrase used by the elderly as they begin their three-hour journey across the road after leaving the post office.

  Tuesday

  Probably the most underrated day and oft omitted in countdowns of the best days of the week in no particular order. Nestled between Monday and Wednesday, Tuesday is most famous for being the day on which the modern-day clock was invented.

  Saturday

  Saturday enthusiasts reaped the benefits of a sustained and well-funded PR and advertising push in the late 1990s, which redefined the first day of the weekend in the minds of many Irish people. Millions of pounds were poured into a campaign that saw Saturday endorsed by a number of leading celebrities including Dana, Mike Murphy, the ghost of JFK and B*Witched.

  Friday

  The most loved day of them all, Friday was introduced in the early 1950s by the world’s leading nations to distract people from the fact that with each passing day we are in fact closer to death. Thank God it’s Friday!

  Thursday

  Whoa! Just when you thought you’d seen it all, along comes Thursday with its enigmatic ways. Mercurial in composition, Thursday has for years gone through something of an identity crisis. Some day experts attribute this to the fact that Jesus died on a Thursday but, really, who knows?

  Lifestyle

  ‘Yes, that’s enough photos of your fantastic life in Australia, thank you very much’

  Irish citizens have collectively urged those who immigrated to Australia to refrain from ‘rubbing it in our faces’.

  Irish ex-pats in Australia are currently enjoying good weather and an envious lifestyle, leaving those stuck here at home feeling even more miserable than usual.

  A pressure group called ‘Fuck Off With Your Photos’ (FOWYP) was set up by a number of bitter and jealous Irish residents last week and has quickly gathered over fou
r million likes on social networking site Facebook.

  Co-founder of the group Niall Quinlan spoke to WWN about the motivations and aims behind his group. ‘Basically I was sick to me bollocks of scrolling down my feed and seeing the endless photos from me mates in Australia. If they weren’t having a BBQ by the pool for the third day in a row, they were off copping a feel of some lad from Home and Away. Smug bastards.’

  Unofficial Facebook data obtained by WWN shows that for every three photos uploaded by an Irish person here there are eighty from their Australian-based counterparts.

  ‘The disparity is there for all to see,’ commented FOWYP co-founder Deirdre Sheridan, ‘I look out my window and it’s grey skies but when my friend Kate takes a photo of her back garden it’s as if all my favourite things and the world’s sexiest men have had a lovechild.

  ‘Smile, after smile, after smile over there. It’s fecking depressing. I’m not against other people’s happiness per se but there’s no need to be so, well, happy about it.’

  Irish-based Australians were unavailable for comment when contacted by WWN due to the pesky time difference and the small matter of having the time of their lives.

  Diary of a JobBridge intern

  WEEK 23

  Monday

  Was woken by Paddy first thing this morning. Told me to get out of my sleeping bag, he had bad news. Mam is dead. It was a hit-and-run. The guys were pretty supportive though, they even started calling me ‘Kev’. The Guards say a witness saw a Mini leaving the scene. I asked Terry if he knew anyone from the garage he bought his at, maybe the guy bought it there. He said he’d ask but told me the dealer doesn’t like him after Terry sold his Mini on Thursday and gave out about the dealership on Done Deal. Could have sworn I cleaned his Mini on Friday though. My head’s obviously all over the place. Can’t believe she’s gone.

  Wednesday

  Still not sunk in. Asked Niall if I could write Mam’s obituary, thought it would be a nice touch. He pulled a knife out of his desk drawer and said if I ever tried to take his obituaries away from him he would cut me. Haven’t gone home, not ready for it. Paddy is being nice to me all of a sudden but I still think I deserve a day off for the funeral. ‘We’re just too busy at the moment, maybe if we had had more notice from you Kev,’ he said. At least he called me Kev.

  Issue 14

  WEATHER FORECAST

  A fierce bit of drying promised for the first half of the day.

  98 per cent of drunk Irish males claim grandfather was in the old IRA, finds study

  A MASSIVE 98 per cent of intoxicated Irish males claim to have a grandfather who was a member of the old IRA, a new study has found this week.

  Out of 1,000 drunken males asked in the study, a whopping 981 swore that their grandfather fought in the War of Independence.

  The subjects, all between 25 and 45 years of age, were given five pints of Guinness before answering a questionnaire about their family’s connection to the old IRA.

  Many of the men also claimed they knew someone who is currently in the new IRA, and that if you ever need a hand with sorting out a few lads – don’t hesitate to call them.

  One participant wrote in an answer column: ‘I probably shouldn’t be telling ye this, but my cousin is well connected in the RA and there’s an umbrella over my family’s head, if you know what I mean;-).’

  When shown a picture of a local band of the Waterford IRA, all 987 men laid claim to their grandfather being in the photo, even though there were only 22 men in the shot.

  Going on the release of the new figures, experts estimate that over four million Irish men fought against the British, leading many to believe that the old IRA wasn’t all that great at urban warfare.

  ‘It just baffles me that Ireland actually lost the War of Independence,’ said local historian Jason Jacob. ‘With that kind of army, they should have successfully invaded Britain and taken it for their own!’

  In response to the historian’s claims, unemployed builder Martin Griffin pointed out that not all the old IRB members carried guns or were foot soldiers, admitting that his own grandfather was too young to fight at the time, but did make tea for Michael Collins a few times.

  ‘It wasn’t all glitz and guns you know,’ barked Griffin. ‘Those were complicated times back then and men didn’t have Playstations to practice on.

  ‘My dad has my grandfather’s old IRA tea-medals in the attic if you want me to prove it,’ he added.

  ALSO IN THE NEWS

  Bank shuts down bridge access as Waterford city goes into receivership

  Self-driving car will only be available to Google+ members

  ‘I’ll make every one of those rotten bastards pay,’ Shatter tells cat he’s stroking

  Morgan Freeman is the new voice of the Irish aurals

  MINISTER for Education Ruairi Quinn is courting fresh controversy after announcing a number of changes to the Irish Junior and Leaving Certificate curriculums One change which has immediately come in for intense and impassioned criticism is the use of Oscar-winning-actor Morgan Freeman as the new voice of the Irish aural exams.

  Bewildered journalists questioned the minister on the thinking behind spending €8 million for the actor’s services at a packed media address.

  Minister Quinn said he was ‘unaware that Mr Freeman was not a native Irish speaker’ but he insisted ‘his voice is just lovely, like velvet, and I think everybody would agree that we’re sick of the Donegal dialect.’

  Most students interviewed by WWN insisted that using Freeman is a positive step. One student went as far as to state, ‘The Shawshank Redemption was fuckin’ class, so I might actually pay attention now.’

  While opposition parties have heavily criticised the decision, they could not hide their admiration for Mr Freeman. Several TDs took to Twitter to admit that Freeman had ‘possibly the coolest voice in the world’.

  A more cynical view was taken by Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin who said, ‘This, is a clear attempt by the government to buy votes by trying to appear cool.’ Mr Martin himself was accused of using similar tactics earlier this month when he claimed to be a fan of ‘the Snapchat’.

  Waterford drug dealers introduce loyalty cards for the unemployed

  WATERFORD drug dealers unveiled a new loyalty card service for school kids and the unemployed at their annual dealers’ convention in Ballybricken yesterday.

  Nearly fifty high-profile dealers and several lesser-known wholesalers attended the AGM which marks the 37th anniversary of the first dealers’ convention which took place in 1977.

  This year’s gathering hosted a wide variety of stalls, including the ingenious loyalty card startup, which is the brainchild of long-time wholesaler Patrick Horan.

  In a brief chat with WWN, he said: ‘The idea just came to me when I was getting a coffee in the square there last year. Yer man was handing in a card and the coffee fella was marking it off.

  ‘I pulled the coffee maker guy over the counter by the scruff and asked “what the fuck was the card for?”

  ‘He told me it was a loyalty card. Sure I had never heard of anything like that before in me life, boi!’ he added.

  Mr Horan told WWN that he then blackmailed an owner of a local printers and ‘came to an agreement’ on a contract for freshly designed drug loyalty cards.

  The cards themselves are quite similar to retail loyalty cards for establishments like Subway and Costa Coffee. Each card can be personalised to the dealer and market.

  ‘The idea is to bring in as much revenue as possible, boi! You buy four grams of smack and you get a fifth one free. It’s great for the people who are struggling, like school kids and the unemployed.’

  Over ten thousand heroin loyalty cards have been ordered by numerous dealers from around the city.

  Horan concluded: ‘Entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well in the Déise, boi!’

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  It takes the average Irish adult four working days to recover from a
bank holiday weekend.

  Disgusting parents pressuring kids into ‘cute viral video’ sweatshops

  AN FBI investigation into several recent viral videos has uncovered some shocking secrets kept from Internet users the world over, WWN has learned.

  Earlier today as many at sixty different sets of parents were arrested for enrolling their children in a gruelling sweatshop-like course in which children are forced into making videos in the hope that that they go viral and earn their parents lucrative sponsorship and commercial deals.

  Many of the most beloved viral hits involving children are actually staged and fabricated with the sole purpose of generating income for pushy and callous parents.

  ‘I haven’t seen anything like this in my twenty-two years at the FBI,’ shared a visibly distraught Garret McGrath. The agent went on to tell WWN of some of the more harrowing details before he broke down.

  A state-of-the-art recording studio complex was shut down by the FBI in Oregon with as many as 150 children taken into care by authorities following evidence of large-scale ‘viral video bootcamps’.

  One child was from the immensely popular ‘Listen, listen, listen, Linda’ video in which a child appears to argue with his mother, mimicking both her cadence and her approach to parenting while sounding impossibly adorable.

  The child, whose identity must remain protected, spoke of his relief at being freed. ‘I have perfect diction despite what the video would have had you believe. Four weeks before we shot the video I was forced into a room with an acting coach. For hours he screamed instructions – “more adorable”, “you stutter like an amateur” and “get funny or die trying”. It was truly upsetting and horrible.’

  The child then spoke of how he and other children were forced into boxes at night where they had to sleep standing up. The scam is said to have netted parents as much as $10 million in YouTube payments over the last year.