“They were on their twelfth day of traveling when the boat came to an unexpected stop. Since they were stow-a-ways in a sense, Sera and her family stayed below deck much of the time. Her father ventured to see what the commotion was above deck. He didn’t return after a long time, and so Blaine went to investigate after hearing several gun shots from the top deck. This left Sera, her two sisters, and her mother below without protection. They all begged him not to go, but he went anyway.”
I glance over to Sera who has perched her small frame on the floor at the foot of my bed. She keeps her face smooth and expressionless as I continue with her story. I feel that I’m lacking the emotion or compassion it deserves. I don’t think I’m doing the story justice and I know that I’m leaving out a lot of detail.
“You’re doing fine,” Sera persuades.
“What happened?” Liam asks when I hesitate to continue. I take a deep breath and wince.
“Well, their boat was overtaken by a large group of men – pirates believe it or not. They really did exist. Not the kind you’re thinking of probably with a wooden leg, eye patch, or parrot on their shoulder. Sera’s father and Blaine never returned from the upper deck. Petrified and not sure what to do, Sera and her sisters along with their mother stayed hidden for a few days below deck. Eventually they were found – it was amazing they were able to stay hidden that long. I won’t go into detail as Sera has left out the specifics. Which is fine by me – I’m not sure I could listen to it – all that they did to her and her sisters and mother. Needless to say, Sera and her family never made it to America.
“And so, as you can imagine, Sera decided not to come back to this type of life again. She felt that she’d had enough life experiences after that.”
All three of us remain quiet for a long time after that. Sera’s probably remembering her doomed past and ugly death. Something that happened so many years ago but probably something she can recall as if it were yesterday. I concentrate on keeping my eyelids open as the quiet has made me more tired than I already was. The hypnotic rhythm of our hearts lull me into exhausted stillness and the repetitive echo of Liam breathing beside me relaxes and soothes me. I’m unsure what Liam would be thinking about. Perhaps the story I have just told, maybe a question to ask – as I’m sure he must have many – or maybe he’s just enjoying the silence as he often is this way.
“You said thirty-something.” Liam’s sweet voice startles me out of an almost sleep.
“Hmm?”
“How does that work? You said Sera has been here like thirty times.”
“Yeah,” I garble through a yawn. “She’s lived all over the world. Many lands at different times. Egypt was her favorite. Even though she wasn’t anyone of importance or great significance, she loved the time and grand architecture of it all. Life was simple for poor people. Home and life were taken very seriously then. At least when she was there. She often jokes that after so many times here, you’d think at least one of her trips in human form would’ve been meant for something in our history books. Like Cleopatra or King Tut.”
“Always the poor little servant girl…” Sera says in an over-exaggerated, pathetic tone.
“You see, you can come back as many times as you want. Or not at all if you choose not to. Some spirits stay in Heaven for forever, never coming here. Well in human form anyway. But no matter how many times you travel here, you almost never remember your other lives until after you’ve passed. And if you do remember, it comes to you in the form of déjà vu, or maybe in a dream.”
“Guardian Angels.” Liam whispers while stroking my cheek.
“Some are. Guardian Angels do exist. They all have different jobs. Some are given the duty to welcome spirits back to Heaven, some help with research and how to communicate the findings to humans. Some have jobs, just like here. Can you believe that animals all coexist in Heaven? There's no need for hunting there because hunger is never an issue. I think it'd be odd to see a big jungle cat lulling around in a green feathery field of grass with a zebra. Other spirits help people who have died tragically make the transition back…”
As I say the last part, I feel Liam tense beneath me. His hand freezes on my cheek mid-stroke and his other hand balls into a fist against my back. I angle my face up to see him better, but all that’s visible is his clenched chin.
“Liam,” I whisper. “Please tell me about her.”
I readjust myself so that my body is laying on top of his chest. I fold my arms and rest my chin on top of my hands. He doesn’t look down to meet my gaze, only stares blankly at the ceiling.
“I understand if you don’t want to,” I add quietly. “But I can see that it still bothers you – and with good reason. I just want to comprehend.”
I don’t say anything else for fear that he might think I’m trying to pry or that I’m being pushy. I desperately want to know what he’s thinking about nonetheless. Liam doesn’t speak for what seems like a very long time. As I strive to read his face in the dark, it appears as if he’s trying very hard to compose himself. Maybe as if he’s possibly on the verge of tears. Seeing him this way makes me fight back sobs of my own. I can’t stand for Liam to be so miserable. Other times however, it seems as if he’s fighting back anger. His entire body tightens and shakes beneath me as his breathing becomes uneven – with what I am sure to be a fury I have yet to know.
Sera leaves after a few moments when the silence turns boring for her. “I’m going to leave – give you some privacy. I don’t think that I’m intended to hear this.”
I don’t think he’s worried about that at the moment, I assume with concern.
“It doesn’t matter. I think it proper if I left.”
Whatever you like.
My thoughts go from curiosity, to worry, to fear, then to exhaustion as I wait for Liam to decide if he’s going to open up to me. I’m nodding off again when Liam finally speaks.
“Her name was Evie,” he whispers.
My eyes snap open as I was almost asleep again.
“That’s a pretty name,” I say, hoping that he’ll continue.
He nods while the same expression that looks as though he could weep overtakes his beautiful face again.
“She had honey colored hair that went just past her shoulders and she often wore it back in a tie. She said it was easier. When she wore it down, it would curl at the ends much like you wear yours. Her eyes were the bluest of blue and when she was excited, they would sparkle like the stars. She laughed at most anything and her laugh was contagious; no one could resist it. She was about your height but often wore shoes with heels. She said it was so that she could be taller – so she could better reach me for a kiss.
“As I told you before, Evie loved the theater. She participated in all the school theatrics and carried it out with an excitement that I envied. Her outlook on life was beautiful. She woke everyday with an eagerness just to be, to live. My constant arguing with my father bothered her. She always said that life was too short to be angry so much. That I should love and accept my father, flaws and all. Evie constantly tried to mediate between the two of us which made me angry at times, but I see now why she did it. My mum loved her. Adored is probably a more appropriate word.
“We’d been together for three years when the accident happened. That’s why we were out; we were celebrating. Evie not surprisingly wanted to go see a play – I can’t even remember the name of it now – and I obliged as I always did to what she wanted to do. The weather had turned poor while we were in the theater. I noticed the rain when we began to leave and Evie smiled up to me while tangling her arm with mine and said, ‘The flowers can’t grow without the rain nor would the grass be green.’ She always had a way of finding the good in things. We ran to the car park as we had no umbrella, but the weather was unseasonably warm for winter, so it wasn’t particularly unpleasant.
“It was late and dark. The way we took had winding roads and hills. It was out of the way but she and I had a spot we liked to go and talk al
though she wasn't in the best of moods. We were almost to our destination when he came around the bend. One second I was looking over at her smiling face, and the next all I saw were headlights. The impact knocked me unconscious instantly. When I came to, it was all so confusing. I was being wheeled across the pavement and what I had burned into my memory was the image of her lifeless body being cut from the warped frame of the vehicle. In that moment I saw nothing else.
“We’d both been wearing our seatbelts, but it didn’t matter. Evie’s ripped away from her body like yarn and she was tossed through the windscreen as the car wrapped around her.”
Liam sucks in a deep, ragged breath then and it seems that reliving the event has weakened him somehow. He doesn’t have to continue with his story; I remember what happened after that. Her angry and accusatory parents, his father being more concerned with his soccer career than his injuries, the whispers and allegations from his peers, how he’d missed her funeral…
“You miss her,” I whisper, stating the obvious.
Liam swallows loudly and nods, hesitantly. He’s probably concerned with my feelings for that part, but it doesn’t bother me. He then turns sideways so that our bodies are facing each other and our eyes are mere inches apart. Something on his cheek glistens in the dim light and I realize then that he’s allowed a lone tear to escape from one of his eyes.
Liam. Crying. Oh, God.
I reach up to wipe it away with the tips of my fingers and when I do, he grasps my hand. He begins to kiss my fingers and my palm. As he does, I notice more tears flowing behind the other and Liam’s body starts to tremble ever so slightly.
I free my hand from his and begin to stroke his cheek. I try to subtly wipe away the torrent of tears, but fail miserably as they stream steadily faster. I’m glad that Liam has decided to open up to me so freely after all this time, but I’m extremely upset to see that it has made him so broken hearted. As I run my hand through his hair, he curls up against my chest like a small child and silently sobs.
I don’t speak.
I’m sure that there would be nothing of comfort that I could say right now to help ease his pain. It’s better just to let him get it out. Liam has never fully let his guard down, I know that now. Perhaps not ever at all. He’s never spoken about the pain to anyone else. I know this to be true. He’s kept all of his misery and anger and guilt locked up since that traumatic night and now he’s finally letting go.
I reflect on the story Liam has just told me. The way his voice wrapped around Evie’s name, it’s obvious that she was someone Liam had loved with his entire heart and soul – and that he still does. I can’t help but feel a little bit sad now at how much Liam cared for Evie. It’s very evident how much she meant to him. The intensity of their love is something that I’ve never experienced and I am very unsure that even though our new found love is strong, that it will ever come close to what theirs had been. Though it doesn’t seem fair to expect Liam to ever love the way he once had. He’s completely broken and I don’t think there’s anything that I can do to ever put him back together. It’s both a cathartic and weary feeling to have.
“How did this become about me?” he whispers as his sobbing begins to cease.
“What?” I ask, confused.
Liam straightens out next to me. He’s composed himself enough to talk now.
“I came here to comfort you, and instead, here I lay blubbering like a baby while you soothe me. I'm completely pathetic. I feel like such a gimp.”
I smile weakly and shrug my shoulders. I really don’t have an answer.
I examine his face, carefully trailing my fingertips over his perfect features. He closes his eyes and sighs to my touch. I hesitantly lean in to kiss him, slowly and softly, and when I do, he wraps his arms around my waist to pull me closer to his body. He kisses me back gently and when my lips part with his, I can taste a bit of salt from his leftover tears.
“Thank you,” he murmurs in my ear.
I pull away to read his face. “What for?”
“Just… thank you.”
“I didn’t mean for my…”
“Shhh,” he soothes while placing a finger over my lips. “It’s not unfair for you to wonder or to ask about her.”
“I love you,” I whisper then. I don’t have anything else to say and in that moment, nothing else seems appropriate.
“Breckin, you mean more to me than my own life. I love you, too. Don’t ever doubt that.”
Liam’s face becomes overtaken by sadness again then and as I reach a hand up to try and comfort him, something catches my eye from behind him.
About five feet from where Liam and I lie, is a girl silently watching. I don’t feel threatened or scared – something I automatically send feelers out for when I encounter anyone new. I quickly glance to Liam’s pained face and back to the girl. Even in the darkness I can see that she’s young and beautiful. She has brilliant blue eyes and hair the color of honey.
Chapter Fifteen
I stare at Evie – of that I’m sure of who she is – for quite a long, hard minute while Liam’s face remains overtaken with grief. I take this as an opportune moment.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, even though I know the answer now. Liam composes himself enough to answer, although his voice is thick with pain.
“I’m sorry, Breckin. It’s just that… whenever I think of her… Evie… I seem to get suppressed with such wretched depression. I thought it was getting better. But lately, it seems to… it’s worse.”
I examine Liam’s features. While his eyebrows remain furrowed together and his perfect bottom lip trembles, I notice in the dim light of the room that the hairs on his arms stand on edge. I clasp his forearm in a reassuring gesture, and find that his skin is covered in hundreds of goose bumps. I glance again to the gloriously transparent stranger in my room, and when I do, she takes her eyes from Liam and looks at me while simultaneously taking a step back.
I sit up.
Having her here, in my room, appears to be making Liam’s grief stronger. My eyes flash between Evie and Liam a half-dozen times. I realize that her presence is something he seems to be able to pick up on although it’s something he remains oblivious to.
I have an incapacitating urge to protect Liam from her. A new feeling I’ve never felt before; to protect someone from a spirit or ghost. And strange I think, to feel this about Evie – someone that used to be such a major part of his life. Someone he once loved so completely and effortlessly. The feelers I throw out don't register any type of danger, but there is definitely something about her that makes me suspicious. It’s obvious that Liam will never feel any type of physical harm with her presence, but as sure as I am that he still tears himself apart over her loss, I’m sure too, that her being near causes him the inability to let go of that disastrous night.
Evie studies my slightly annoyed yet curious features and then takes another two steps back. Liam’s face appears to smooth infinitesimally with every inch she steps away from us. I would say something to her, but I think better of it after I’ve witnessed how miserable Liam becomes when he remembers her. And with her around, it’s not a memory he will forget or can forget. Besides, what could I possibly say? I decide to ignore her and focus my attention to Liam.
“It’s hard for you to say her name, isn’t it?”
Liam nods. “I don’t know why. Whenever I say Evie’s name, it seems to make the pain so much worse,” he whispers. “That night just replays over and over again in my head and I can't stop it. It’s like reliving that moment all over again.”
When Liam says her name, Evie takes an automatic step toward us. She doesn’t appear to be angry, only concerned. But something is screaming at me in the back of my mind to keep her away. I shake my head minutely in her direction hoping that she’ll take the hint to stay back. She looks to me warily but stays put.
After a long silence between the three of us, Evie disappears.
Liam sits up next to me with a smooth expression
and places his large hands on either side of my face. He places his lips on my forehead and then to my nose. He continues by kissing both of my cheeks and then moves his lips down to my neck while gently arching my face backward inside his hands. I close my eyes, and when his breath heats my skin, the fire starts burning inside my veins again. Every inch of my body is now electrified by his touch. But a little part of me remains confused by his sudden mood change.
Liam removes my sweatshirt with one fluid motion following with his lips to my shoulder. One of his hands has found the skin beneath the strap of my tank top as he lightly slips the thin band of cotton from my shoulder to the top of my arm, allowing his mouth to follow. I bite my lip as he trails his fingers down the length of my arm and back up again. When both of his hands find my face a second time, he moves his mouth from my collarbone to my lips. His kiss starts out gently, but quickly becomes urgent and full of a lingering need when my hands wind into his hair. After a few short minutes of passionate kissing, he pulls away only to leave me gasping for air.
“Breckin,” he breathes, and it’s a plea. The sound of his voice never fails to leave me mesmerized. “You’ve taught me to love again. I didn’t think that that would ever be possible. I was starting to wonder if I’d be able to live another day – not that I was thinking about taking my own life – just that I didn’t know if I was strong enough to go on. And then I found you.”
I don’t know what to say. I let his words slowly sink in as I feel a little hope thinking that maybe Liam could love me as he’d once loved Evie. Another little part of me wonders however, how he has so quickly gone from being overcome with sadness and now clearly feeling something different as he caresses my skin and kisses my eager lips – was his sudden mood change brought on by the memory of Evie? Is it me that he thinks of when he’s kissing me? Is it me that he’s truly saying I love you to? I have never doubted Liam’s feeling for me – not even a little bit – until now. After hearing him talk about his first love with such ardor, how can I expect that I will ever amount to what she had once been to him? Even after hearing him tell me just now that I am the reason for him to be, to go on, I still can’t help but think that maybe I will never be to Liam what Evie once had been.
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