“You see, everyone has a plan before they come here to this life. We plan out a Hayim-Derekh – that’s the proper word, but I call it a Life-Plan – and we even go over that plan with the Eytsah before we’re born and we also discuss it with our Spirit Guide. We all set out to learn a lesson or to experience something we’ve never experienced before. Most of us come here to learn a very… difficult lesson. Why we choose the paths we create, we’ll never know – not until we go Home that is. Home is Heaven. Even though I know what I know, I still can’t help saying why me part of the time. It’s only human to wonder why life takes the turns it does and why we live through or go through such awful things. Some of us come here many times, some just once, and then there are those who choose never to come in human form at all; they always stay Home because they just don’t crave the desire to travel here. But the ones that do choose to come and live a human life always plan everything out before they’re born. There’s a step charted for every moment it our lives. Simple and complex, all of it planned out ahead of time for us to live in steps.”
“So you’re saying… we choose everything that happens to us… before we’re born?” Liam asks uncertainly.
“Yes. Every detail, every minute, we plan out before we come to this life. It gets somewhat complex to break down, but every step does have a choice. One choice leads to plan A, for lack of a better term, and the other choice to plan B. And so on, and so on. If any of it is too difficult or ridiculous, the Eytsah will try to talk some sense in to us, if that’s possible. Some are more stubborn than others and stick to their original plans and some… tweak before they make the journey to human life. But the kicker is, once we’re born we don’t remember any of it. We map it all out but then forget it as soon as we’re here. Kinda sucks, right?”
Liam half-smiles at my jargon. I smile back and continue.
“And we also choose who will be in our lives. It gets very complicated to explain, but people in our lives here, we pick them, too, before we’re born. So everyone you’ll meet and be effected by, whether a good experience or bad experience, you also choose them. We decide our parents, we select our friends, our enemies, our spouses, our co-workers, etcetera. However, not only do you choose to experience your end of things; they choose to go through the other side of your life with you as well. I guess a good example would be -”
“You and I,” Liam interjects.
“What?”
“We chose each other, Breckin. It makes sense. I picked you, and you picked me. Soul-mates,” Liam whispers then.
“Oh please,” Sera whines. “Don’t get me started on soul-mates! The chance of someone actually meeting their soul-mate is like zero to none.”
Knock it off, I think with a hiss. I think it’s romantic. And you don’t know that we aren’t. You don’t know my chart any better than I do. Part of the deal, remember?
“Yeah, yeah. The Spirit Guide doesn’t get to know the details of the plan either. You know, sometimes that’s not very convenient. Maybe I should talk to someone about that.”
Go for it.
“And these Eytsah,” Liam says in a bemused tone. “What is it they do, again?”
“The Eytsah are a group of very wise, very ancient ‘historians’,” I explain, using my fingers to quote my previous statement. “They’re like an all-knowing counsel. Spirit Guides can go to them for advice. They’ve been around since the beginning of creation. Always staying in Heaven, or Home as it’s commonly referred to. They can go straight to the hands of God himself if they need to.”
“Spirit Guide?” Liam asks in that same mystified tone.
“Yep. A Spirit Guide can be like what you said before when I had told you about Sera –a Guardian Angel, although Sera isn't mine. She is just my Spirit Guide. We determine who that will be before we’re born, too. Some people have just one Guide while others choose two or three or more to help them through this life. It’s unlikely to have more than three, though. You make a bond with them, agreeing to go through the journey together. Sometimes it’s always the same person with every life you choose to live. Other times, you choose a different Guide each journey. Sometimes you even choose someone you’ve lived through an actual human life with to be your Guide. Even though you don’t – or most don’t – know they’re here taking this journey with you, the Guide is with you every step of the way.”
Awareness lightens Liam’s face as I can see him remembering that first night I’d told him about Sera.
“You see, your Spirit Guide doesn’t know your plan any better than you do. That way they aren’t tempted to give you any hints or sway you from any decisions you make while you’re here. Spirit Guides are in no way allowed to veer you down a different path. However, in rare cases a person may be able to alter what they've prepared to live through. Guides are only here to guide you, help you in the journey of your life. Have you ever had a moment when you hear a little voice inside your head telling you, this is wrong or I know I shouldn’t do this…? Or not so much that, as maybe there are times you’re unsure and really have no idea what you should do when given an option, but then suddenly you just know the right answer? That’s more than likely your Spirit Guide helping you along. They aren’t exactly like having a magic genie with all the answers, but they’re pretty good at what they do. I’m just one of the lucky ones that actually gets to talk to theirs. But that doesn’t mean it’s always useful. I get tired of hearing, ‘it’s just another chapter in your life, this is something you chose, this is something you planned to live through’, and blah blah blah.”
“Very nice, Breckin.” Sera chides.
“So after everything you’re telling me… you’re saying that I picked… what happened…?” Liam can hardly speak the words. “I decided to go through…”
I slowly let that sink in for him and wait for the obvious follow up question.
“Why the hell would I ever pick something like that to happen to me?! Why would I ever want to put myself through anything like that? And Evie? Why would she ever pick to die like that?” Liam’s voice had risen close to a shriek and his chest quickly rises up and down showing clearly just how upset he’s become.
“Like I said, it’s one of those why me moments. I don’t know, Liam. You won’t know the reasons behind it until you go Home,” I finish quietly. That apparently was not the right thing to say. The look in Liam’s eyes tells me that the explanation I’m able to give is clearly not an acceptable one.
“Where the hell was my Spirit Guide then, huh? I presume that Evie had one as well? Where were our goddamned Guardian Angels then, Breckin?”
“L-Liam,” I stutter, but Sera comes to stand next to me. I look at her as worry and grief consumes me and she shakes her head signifying that nothing I can say will make this moment better. I just have to let him work it out.
I sip more of my tea although it sits uneasily in my belly now as I allow Liam to slowly and silently calm down. I have to remind myself that it isn't me that he’s actually angry with. It’s a lot to hear, especially after going through what he has already experienced in his short life. I remember the first time Sera had told me what I’ve just relayed to Liam and remember the shock and awe of it all. Why would anyone ever choose a path that leads to loneliness and heartbreak or death and destruction? A path that will be sure to lead to painful good-byes or battered childhoods or incurable illness… It all seemed impossible to me then, too. But then Sera simply explained to me that that was all part of it. That we all come here in this life to learn a lesson, to experience new things. What would anyone learn if there were never any hard times? She reminded me that sometimes it was also to go through life learning happiness and love and good values as well, and not just bad ones. No matter why we come to this life though, we will never know the reasons for any of it until we’re long gone.
Liam’s aquatic eyes finally find mine after a very long time and he has the beginnings of tears forming. I can only begin to imagine what he’s feeling now.
>
“Liam… I… I’m sorry.” That’s all I can say. I have no words of comfort, no words to say that this is okay. Because being in this moment with him, I can see that he won’t ever believe that my explanation makes any of it okay. He shakes it off and swallows a lump in his throat. He is clearly attempting to keep his cool.
“I just don’t understand,” he admits sadly.
“I don’t think we’re meant to. There’s always a bigger picture – something bigger than anyone can understand.” I fight back the sob catching in my throat to the hurt and betrayal forming over his features. “I’m sorry,” I say again.
“You have nothing to apologize for. It’s all in the past and I hope to never live through anything like that again. With any luck, the rest of my journey is easier,” he says, smiling halfheartedly. My eyes drop to my hands and I follow the rim of my tea cup with my pinkie finger. I don’t know how to explain what Sera thinks we have to do. But I swallow my fear and have a go at it.
“Liam…”
“Yes?”
“I…” I shut my mouth to regroup. I ignore the unease in my stomach and try again. “I… well… Sera went to the Eytsah for advice about Joseph.”
“Were they any help to her?” Liam tips his cup all the way back to sip the last of his tea. I have not even gotten half of mine down.
“As a matter of fact, they were.”
“And what did they have to say about,” he clears his throat in an effort to keep himself calm, “Joseph?”
I rest my tea cup on the coffee table while taking his from his grip and copy what I’d done with mine. I then grasp both of his large hands in mine, which somehow feel cold even though I’ve just been hanging on to a steaming cup of liquid, and force myself to look deep into his eyes. Without words, I try to communicate that I need his sincere trust and unquestionable understanding as I continue to stare into the depths of his hypnotic gaze. I think about nothing other than the fact of how much I love him and how much I want to protect him and that I know without saying, how difficult this is going to be for him.
“Breckin, please. Just tell me,” he begs. “You’re scaring me.”
“I-I’m not sure h-how to…” I stammer, looking down.
“Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together. I’m not leaving you. Ever. If that’s what you’re afraid of, that I won’t be able to handle it, please believe me when I say that I’m here. I won’t leave. I promise.”
I meet his sincere gaze and see that he means it. He isn’t going to leave me ever again. He cups my cheek with his hand and lowers his face to mine. The breath hitches in my throat with the earnestness behind his eyes and the unwavering expression upon his lovely face. He’s looking at me exactly in the exact way I was him. He’s silently communicating to me that I can trust him, that I already know without him saying that he’ll never be without me, nor I without him.
All the doubts that quietly lingered within evaporate as he continues to stare into my eyes. Liam seems confident now in what he’s saying and I believe him. What I am scared of though, is what this might do to him. He’s already admitted that he was having a hard time forgetting Evie, so how is taking him back to the core of it all going to solve anything? Sera has never steered me wrong, and I know deep down that she’s right. If this is what she believes to be true to work, or rather this is what the information she’s summoned has led her to believe, then I know it’s what I have to do. I have to somehow get Liam and Joseph, and by the sounds of it Evie too, to the scene of the accident – to where a Hollow Site was created.
“What happened to you… Liam it was awful. And I’m sorry to have to bring it up to you, but…” I exhale unsteadily. I really don’t know what to say. Sera had been sitting quietly, but cuts in softly, although with authority.
“He needs to know, Breckin. I’m sure he wants to get this all behind him just as much as you do. Do you really want Joseph lingering around the rest of your lives, haunting you and causing you pain?”
I shake my head.
“What is it?” Liam asks when he takes in my sorrowful expression.
“It’s just difficult for me… to tell you this…” I whisper.
“Breckin, never be afraid to tell my anything,” he murmurs as he places an index finger under my chin. He forces my face to his and stops just short of our lips touching. I can feel my heart quickening with his touch and then sense my breath becoming rapid as well. How is it still possible that Liam can have this effect on me? Will I ever get used to it? As I stare back into the deep pool of his eyes, not remembering at all what I was about to say, Liam reaches his mouth down to mine to kiss me gently and softly. Electricity bounces between us and as he moves his hands to rest against my cheeks, I can feel heat and lightning against my skin. I’m positive the answer to my question is no – there is no feasible way that I will ever get used to Liam’s effect on me, so therefore, of course it’s possible for him to cause me to nearly hyperventilate and forget all coherent thoughts. I’m putty. I am completely and utterly pathetic.
“Now,” he murmurs in between kisses. “What is it that you think is so difficult to say?”
“Hmm?” I murmur back. He kisses each one of my cheeks and then skims the length of my jaw with his nose.
“Breckin,” be breathes.
I have to stop him before I’m completely unable to remember any of what I was going to say. I clasp his hands in mine, away from my face and force him back. I feel my face becoming a mask of pain as I form the words carefully in my head.
“Liam, I…” I’m still staggering.
“Breckin! For the love of all that is holy, just tell him!” Sera exclaims. “You need to get a better hold of yourself!”
That sobers me up. I hold Liam’s hands in mine and force myself to concentrate. I focus on tracing circles on his palms while I speak – thus avoiding his hypnotic eyes.
“Liam, Sera thinks it best that after speaking to the Eytsah, that you and I… go back.” I suck in a deep breath. “Go back to England.”
“Why would you have to go to England? And I already am, after we graduate. So…” He had been leaning in to tease me again with sweet kisses and playing with a strand of my hair, but something changes in him so quickly that I don’t know that maybe I wasn’t imagining it. Liam bolts up straight then, his back a hard line, and tightens his grip on my hands. “Why?” he asks again, his voice becoming hard as steel.
I’m still looking at his hands for fear of what I might see in his eyes. “Because there is more than likely a Hollow Site there.” I explain.
“A what?” he asks in one rigid breath.
“A Hollow Site is made when there is… an event in one’s life… and sometimes if everything lines up properly, you can,” deep, stabilizing breath, “relive that moment and that’s what Sera and the Eytsah think could possibly help Joseph crossover so he can go Home.”
Liam is visibly shaking. The grip he has on my hands has become almost painfully tight as his own hands are so taut that the knuckles have turned white over the bone. I try to remain calm for the both of us.
“I know what that would be asking of you, but -”
“No.” He says flatly. Liam closes his eyes tightly and repeats himself. “No.”
“Liam, I know -”
“No. You don’t know. You couldn’t possibly know. All I have been trying to do since that night is forget, and now you think the best way to get past all of this is to go back to it? You can’t ask me to do that. Breckin, I won’t.”
“But that seems to be the only way. Believe me, if there were any other way to do this, Sera would tell me that first. And we'd try that. She’s never steered me wrong and I trust her to get us both through this. Together.”
That brings a little awareness to him as he opens his hard eyes. I know the hostility in his glare is nowhere near meant for me, but it still causes me to flinch away. I try again.
“A Hollow Site can be very powerful and if what I understand her to be
saying is true, then that may possibly mean an end to all this. Joseph won’t come around anymore,” I soothe, placing my hand to his face.
“I don’t see how going back to that place will fix anything. Whatever kind of site you say it is. That place can’t ever possibly bring good to anyone.” His words are like dousing gasoline on a fire – hot and explosive.
“Maybe it’d be possible that you could have contact with Joseph – because I think that’s what he wants, is to speak to you – then maybe you’d be able to find out why he keeps coming around. You might just be able to see him, Liam, to talk to him and…”
I trail off and let my hand drop as I see the viciousness behind his stare intensify. Liam’s eyes are turning to gray, and I can feel the anger rolling off of him like the water rolling off the top of a boiling pan. I swallow hard against the feelings of hysteria and doubt coming to rise in my stomach.
I told you this would be impossible, I think to Sera.
“Calm him down,” she says tightly.
“Liam,” I whisper. “I’m sorry, I’m just trying to help.”
“I can’t, Breckin. I can’t go back to that place.”
I reach out to him and he catches my hand in his iron grasp. He looks deep into my eyes, searching for some type of understanding from me even though he doesn’t need to. I knew that it would be unfeasible to him; the idea of going back to the source of his pain. And how could I ask him to? I feel terrible for even bringing it up and putting the idea into his head. After all this time, after the progress he’s been trying so hard to make, after he finally seems to be letting go. And now I want to take him back, to the place where his memory of Evie is most potent. He’ll surely fall apart and then he’ll never forget. He’ll never move on. He’ll never let go of her. I’m beginning to silently hyperventilate. This is just as unfair to him as it is to me, although for much different reasons.
Hollow Sight Page 44