If I Told You

by Jennifer Domenico

  She walks into her bathroom, closing the door, and I let her go. Again.

  Sitting in the taxi, I stare out the window on my way to Rhys’s. Flynn’s in love with me, and I walked away. The words I’ve been waiting to hear, dying to hear, he just said and I still left. I just can’t figure out why. Right now, I need to get him out of my head and focus on Rhys. He deserves that much.

  I ring the bell, and Rhys opens the door, offering a big smile. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” He takes my suitcase, and I follow behind him, then plop down on the couch.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Did you tell Flynn?”

  “I did.”

  “And?”

  My thoughts drift back to the tragic look on his face when I told him. “He’s fine with it.” God, if I was Pinocchio, my nose would be in New Jersey by now.

  “Good. Did you resolve your disagreement?”

  “I think so.” Ugh.

  “Great. Then I guess we can talk about us.”

  “I’d love to.” Shit.

  Rhys sits next to me, and wraps his arm around my shoulder, so I lean back against him. “My normal schedule is pretty hectic. I usually take Sunday off. Sometimes a few days here and there if I don’t have any pressing reviews.”

  “Okay. I usually take Sunday and Monday off, but I just randomly go in a lot, too.”

  “So it sounds like we can count on Sunday together at least.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Perfect. How about I cook tonight? I’m sure I’m not as good as Flynn, but I do okay in the kitchen.”

  “I’m not comparing you to Flynn.” Fuck. Another lie.

  “I’m happy to hear that.” He kisses my cheek. “If you need anything at all, just let me know. I want you to feel comfortable here. Like it’s your home.” He smiles. “Because it is.”

  “Thank you. I’m sure I’ll love it…” My voice cracks, and I smile. “I’m sure it’ll be great.”

  “Me too. What do you want to do now?”

  “Maybe I’ll just unpack a little.”

  “Great. I’m gonna work on my article from the conference.”

  “Alright.” Standing, I walk over and step outside on the balcony, looking out at the cloud covered sky just as it starts to rain. The cold drops hit my face, mixing with the warm tears that suddenly fill my eyes.

  Oh, Flynn.

  I step out of the shower, dreading going back to my real life. It’s been three days of living at Rhys’s house, but it still feels like vacation. Now, I have to go back to work. I don’t want to see Jill knowing she’s been sleeping with Flynn. I don’t want to see the smile in her eyes, the satisfaction on her face. I don’t want to hear her talk about him pretending it doesn’t hurt me.

  I wipe away the steam on the mirror, staring at my reflection. I’m jealous, but living with another man. I am such a fucking hypocrite.

  After I dress, I lean over Rhys and kiss his cheek. His eyes flicker open.

  “Hey. Going to work?”

  “I am. I need to check in. I’ll see you later?”

  “For dinner.”

  “Yep.”

  “I left a key on the dining room table for you.” He reaches up and plays with a lock of my hair. “Have a good day, gorgeous.”

  “You too.” I kiss his lips. “See you later.”

  “Bye.”

  After grabbing the key, I set off at a walk, then pause, realizing I’m across town from where I need to be. I continue my walk to the subway, then wait the few minutes I need before my train arrives. I definitely don’t like having a commute to work.

  After arriving at my stop, I walk the several blocks to the studio, then walk inside only to see Flynn standing at the counter. His face is covered in a beard I’ve never seen and from the dark circles under his eyes, he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. Jill’s eyes meet mine, and I respond by glaring. Fuck her and fuck him, too. I try to walk past them, but I hear Flynn say my name, softly. Stopping, I turn back slowly.

  “What?”

  “I’m here to see you.”

  Crossing my arms, my eyes shift to Jill’s, who nods. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

  “I know, but can I just have a minute, please?”

  “Fine.”

  I walk to my office with Flynn following me. Once inside, he partially shuts the door. I lean against my desk wondering what he has to say.

  “I have work to do so if you could make it fast, I’d appreciate it.” He steps closer and assaults my nose with the odor of stale alcohol and cigarettes. “Have you been smoking?”

  “Yeah.”

  “But you stopped a year ago.”

  He shakes his head. “Come back.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Yes you can. Please. I need you to come back. I can’t do this without you.”

  “Do what?”

  He runs his fingers through his messy hair. “All of it. That apartment. The restaurant. Life. I can’t do it without you, Brooks. You’re my…” he pauses, pleading me with sad eyes. “Everything. My confidence, my best friend, my world. Come back.”

  My eyes fill with tears. “No.”

  “Why not? I know you love me. I know you do. Everyone knows. Jill knows. Mel knows. Even Rhys knows.” He paces in front of me. “He came to see me a long time ago. He knew then, Brooks, but he held on because you’re too precious to let go without a fight.”

  “What?”

  “I was a coward to let you go to him. I didn’t think I was man enough to love you, but I am, Brooklyn. I can do it. I know I can.” He grabs my shoulders. “I can’t sleep. I can’t cook. I can’t fucking think. Please, baby, please. I love you.”

  “Flynn, stop.”

  “I can’t. I won’t. Not this time.” He presses his lips against mine, and as much as I want to stop, should stop, I can’t. His kiss feels like home. “Tell me you love me, too,” he murmurs against my mouth.

  “No.” I shake my head. “I won’t.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Tell me or love me?”

  “Both.” I pull away and walk to the other side of the desk. “I want to stay with Rhys.”

  “Why?” He slams his hand down on my desk. “Goddammit! Tell me why.” He stares at me, jaw twitching, expecting an answer.

  “You should go.”

  “Not without an answer, Brooklyn. Tell me why you want Rhys and not me.”

  “No.”

  “Tell me!”

  Looking down at the desk, I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment before looking back at him. “Because I can’t destroy him.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “He doesn’t love me, and I don’t love him. We both know this is temporary. This is fun. This is…” I pause for a moment. “This is sex. He doesn’t want more and neither do I.” I take a deep breath, then continue. “Being with you is an act of suicide. Slow, torturous suicide as we chip away at each other’s souls until nothing is left. Until we’re no good for anyone. Until our friendship can’t be salvaged. I don’t want to destroy you, and I don’t want you to take me down. I don’t want to feel like I do when I see your face.”

  He plants his palms on the desk, leaning toward me. “How do you feel? Tell me for once.”

  Like I can’t fucking breathe. I shake my head. “No.”

  “Tell me you love me. Tell me I’m not the only one hurting. Please, Brooklyn.”

  “I want you to go now.”

  “I’ll wait for you. I’ll never fall in love with anyone else. If it takes a year or five years or forever, I’ll wait for you.”

  “Go, Flynn.”

  “You’ll never stop thinking of me. You know what we have. The connection is too strong. Don’t you see? We’re perfect for each other.”

  “Leave.”

  “You’ll try to stay away, but you’ll always be mine. He can have your body, Brooklyn, but I’ve got your heart and you k
now it.”

  “Stop it!”

  “You’ll come back when you’re done with him, and I’ll still be there.”

  “For fuck’s sake.”

  “You’ll have to come back for the rest of your things, and I’ll be there waiting for you. I’ll hold you every chance I get. I’ll convince you to come back.”

  I rub my forehead. “Please go, Flynn.”

  “I will, but you need to know something.” He rushes me pressing me against the wall and gripping my chin. “He’ll never be able to love you like I can. No one will. I know everything about you, every flaw, every secret, every beautiful nuance, and I love all of it.”

  “Stop,” I whisper.

  “If loving you is suicide, I’d rather die in your arms than live in anyone else’s.”

  I look up at him, wide eyed. “Flynn…”

  “Kiss me, Brooklyn. Please.”

  “No.”

  “Fine.” He walks to the door, but stops. “I guess I’m not the only coward between us. Instead of pushing me away, why can’t you just tell me how you feel?”

  “Jesus, Flynn. If I told you, what would it solve?”

  “Let’s find out.”

  I can’t deal with this right now. “Go.”

  Without another word, he leaves, and I slump down in my chair. A few minutes later, Jill appears.

  “Can you leave me alone please?”

  “You need to know a couple of things first.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t know what he’s told you, but we’re not sleeping together.”

  “Whatever. I’m not stupid.”

  “I know you’re not, but I swear. He called me, but once I got there he couldn’t go through with it so we ended up talking all night.” She walks closer. “About you. That was weeks ago.”

  “You expect me to believe that? Is this some kind of story the two of you concocted to throw me off?”

  “God, you’re stubborn. Listen to me, Brooklyn, and listen good. Why would I want to admit that Flynn’s not attracted to me? Why would I want to stick up for him to you?”

  I shrug. “I have no idea.”

  “Right. Because it doesn’t make any damn sense. He’s sick over this. Look at him. He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep. He calls me every night talking about how to get you back.”

  I look up at her wondering if I can believe her. “I’m not sure.”

  “He gets it now. He’s scared of screwing it up, but he knows now that what you guys have is worth it. You’ve got to at least hear him out.”

  “And then what? Just dump a perfectly awesome guy for no reason? Because Flynn finally got off his ass and decided to do something?”

  “That’s the second thing you need to know.”

  She hands me my phone, and I crinkle my brow in response. “Where’d you get this?”

  “You left it at home so Rhys brought it here. He heard almost everything between you and Flynn.”

  “Fuck.”

  I ring the doorbell and wait for Rhys to answer, deciding not to use my key after what he overheard this morning. A few minutes later, he answers, holding a beer and wearing sweatpants and t-shirt. That’s new.

  After opening the door, he just turns around and walks back inside.

  “I didn’t do anything,” I say.

  “I know.”

  “So why are you mad at me?”

  “I’m not, Brooklyn.” He sits down on the couch and stares outside.

  “You seem mad.” I sit in the armchair. “I sent him away.”

  Rhys nods, then studies the label on his beer bottle. “I knew all along, but I didn’t want to believe it. Every time I asked you out and you accepted, I thought I was winning. I thought I had a chance.”

  “Rhys—”

  “Hear me out,” he interrupts. “Please.”

  “Okay.”

  “I knew he was in love with you the first time I met you both. I saw it in his eyes. I don’t think he even knew it then.” He looks at me. “But I did.”

  I nod as he continues.

  “There were so many signs just screaming in my face, but I ignored them because I wanted you. I knew the first night you came over. You said you were ready, but when I touched you froze. I knew it wasn’t because of me. It was because of him. Still you kept coming back, so I kept letting you. Then you agreed to move in with me, and I thought finally our relationship would just be the two of us instead of the three of us.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  He shakes his head. “Do you know what it feels like to compete with someone? Do you know how much it sucked to let you go back to that apartment every night knowing he was there? I knew he wanted you, I taunted him, but I didn’t know why you both denied it.”

  “Rhys…”

  “I adore you, Brooklyn, but I’m not in love with you and you know that. You’re not in love with me either, and I know that. What I didn’t know for sure until this morning is that you’re in love with Flynn.” He looks at me. “Did you know?”

  “I don’t want to be.”

  “That doesn’t make it untrue.” He takes a swig of his beer. “It was an excellent ride. I had such a good time with you, and I’ll miss you.”

  “Wait. What are you saying? Are you dumping me?”

  Rhys chuckles. “Dumping? I guess if that’s the word you want to use, but Brooklyn, baby, you were never mine. You said so yourself.”

  “No, I don’t want to go. I want to stay here with you.”

  “Do you really think I could take you to bed tonight knowing you’d rather be with him? Do you think I can go on pretending I don’t know?” He shakes his head softly. “I can’t, Brooklyn, and trust me, I wish to God I could.”

  “But, Rhys—”

  “How many times did you wish it was him instead of me making love to you?” He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment. “Now I wonder if you’re here because of me or because you’re avoiding him.” He looks back at me. “Do you even know?”

  “Rhys…” Realizing he’s made up his mind, I move next to him. “I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “I know. I heard your valiant reasons for staying with me. My solace is that you liked me enough to try. I really believe on some level you wanted this.”

  “I did want it. I like you. A lot.”

  “I know.” He rubs my chin with his thumb. “You were awesome, but it was temporary. Isn’t that what you told Flynn?”

  I nod, feeling like a complete asshole.

  “So what was your exit strategy?”

  “What?”

  He narrows his eyes. “How long were you gonna play me with your excuses and cover ups?”

  “I didn’t mean to.”

  “You didn’t mean to.” He nods. “I like to think maybe we could’ve been something. Something epic and special. Something we would look back on one day and smile about. Now I realize that’s what Flynn is for you. I’m just a chapter in the story. Flynn is the book.”

  “I don’t know what to do now,” I whisper.

  “Go back to him.” He leans forward and softly kisses my lips. “Don’t be afraid anymore, Brooklyn. Tell him that you love him, too. He needs you.”

  “Rhys, I…” I kiss him again, this time much more passionately. He returns it, both of us knowing it’s the last time. “Thank you.”

  “For?”

  “Being awesome.”

  He chuckles. “I thought you were gonna say something else.”

  “Like what?”

  “I thought you were gonna thank me for making Flynn see how much he loved you.”

  “I’m not happy about this. It’s not what I wanted.”

  “I don’t know what happened in your past to make you so afraid of love. I don’t know why you think you’re too flawed, or why you talk about destruction, but what I do know is that you and Flynn have no choice anymore. There’s no room in your life for other people. You’ll never be able to move past this so you might as we
ll see where it goes.” He smiles. “I’m just glad I was part of your life for a little while. You’ll be the woman I tell the next woman about.”

  “I really do care about you.”

  “I appreciate that. It just wasn’t our time.” He rubs my cheek. “But I loved every minute of it.”

  “Me too, Rhys. Me too.”

  He smiles. “Now go home. Go to Flynn.”

  The front door opens and Brooklyn walks in. She’s here. I stand up from my position on the couch, waiting for her to say something.

  She looks at me, and I can see her features soften. “What if I told you… your friendship means everything to me and losing that would be devastating?”

  “I’d tell you that I know that and I feel the same way.”

  She nods. “What if I told you… even though I’m scared and not at all sure what’s next…” She walks closer. “Flynn…” She pauses, taking a deep breath. “What if I told you that I don’t know when it started or how it started, but I know for sure that I’m in love with you?”

  I swallow hard walking closer to her. “I’d tell you that…” She looks up at me with questions in her eyes. “I’d tell you that you can trust me. You can trust us and we’ll figure it out. I won’t destroy you. I can’t.”

  She nods as tears stream freely down her face. “What if I told you that all I’ve wanted for a very long time is to touch you like lovers do? What if I told you I’m ready now?”

  Using my thumbs, I wipe her tears. “I’d tell you that I’m ready, too.”

  “I’m scared,” she whispers.

  “Brooks—”

  “No, wait,” she interrupts. “I’m scared, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending. I can’t be with someone else hoping that I’ll stop thinking of you, stop wanting you. Flynn…” She cups my cheek. “What if I told you I’d rather die with you than live with someone else.”

  Pulling her into my arms, I hold her tight, feeling her relax against me. “Do you want to talk? I have so much I want to say to you, and—”