by JA Armstrong
Carrie chuckled through her tears. “I do say that.”
“You’re right. You usually are, and I really hope I am dead if you read that.”
Carrie’s tears turned to sobs.
“I love you, Carrie. I always have and I always will. So, if you happen to read this before we are old, you know, like fifty or something, please do one thing for me. Please remember that CJ is part of me just like you are part of me. That makes you part of each other. No matter what happens, I know that. I wish I had the guts to say it. Maybe someday I will. You are the one with the guts.”
“Hardly.”
“Remember that I told you everything would work out? It will. You are supposed to be a mom. Maybe that’s part of the reason I fell in love with you all those years ago. I never had anyone believe in me, stand up for me, stand by me. You know that. You always did. I think you were the first person who really loved me. You only get one of those.”
Carrie wiped her eyes. “I do love you.”
“You tell people that I’m fearless. That’s not true. I’m afraid of everything. I had the guts to do everything I’ve done because I had you with me. This is the one part of my life that you can’t be with me for. I know you would. It’s me who’s scared—again. Whatever happens, just promise me that you will be what I couldn’t be for CJ. I’m sorry that I can’t tell you this. I am. I’m happy for you. I am. I’ve never seen you as happy as you are with Devon (yes, I know her name.)”
Carrie laughed.
“You’ll be a great mom, and you will be a mom. I know it. CJ will be delirious she has someone to boss around besides you. One last thing, don’t sell yourself short. Do what you want to do, not what you think everyone else wants you to do. Seriously. That drives me nuts!”
Carrie laughed some more.
“I love you. I always have and I always will. You’re my best friend—forever and…”
“Ever,” Carrie whispered. She put the journal aside and closed her eyes. “Dar…”
***
“CJ,” Devon began cautiously. “That’s not true.”
CJ shifted to look at Devon.
“How many grandmas do you have?” Devon asked.
CJ’s face scrunched up as she concentrated.
Devon laughed. “Well, let’s count together. Who are your grandparents?”
“Nana and Papa,” CJ said.
Devon understood that was Tom’s mother and father.
“Grandma and Grandpa.” CJ tried to raise two more fingers.
Devon smiled.
“Grandma Gwen and Grampy.”
“And?”
“And, Grandma and Grandpa Jill!”
Devon snickered. For some reason, her father had been pronounced ‘Grandpa Jill.’ Devon knew that delighted her mother endlessly. “That’s a lot of grandparents,” Devon said.
“Uh-huh.”
“And, how many Aunts and Uncles do you have?”
“Lots!”
“Right.”
“So, why can’t you have more than one mommy or even more than one daddy?”
CJ frowned.
“You know, some kids have two of each.”
CJ’s eyes widened.
“It’s true. And, some don’t have any,” Devon said. “You get to love people any way you want, monkey. That’s the best part of being in a family.”
CJ threw her arms around Devon’s neck.
“Aww, monkey, Auntie Carrie loves you so much and so do I; I promise.”
***
Devon’s heart sank the moment she walked into the bedroom. “Carrie?”
“She knew, Dev. Dar, she knew about the tumor.”
Devon sat down on the bed with Carrie. “I thought the ME said…”
Carrie shook her head. “It’s in the journal that Tommy gave me. There’s a letter she wrote me.” Carrie’s voice trembled. “Devon…”
Devon moved so that she could hold Carrie. “Want to talk about it?”
“I don’t even know where I would begin.”
“Anywhere that feels right.”
“Dev,” Carrie paused to gather her thoughts. “I know you didn’t have a high opinion of her.”
“Carrie, I love you. I don’t enjoy seeing you hurt.”
“I know. What she wrote—Dev, that’s Dar—the Dar you didn’t get to know.”
“Whatever she wrote in there certainly made an impression on you.”
“I love her, Dev. Lately, I’ve wondered if she cared about me at all. I guess I needed to hear what she had to say. How was CJ?”
Devon didn’t answer immediately.
“Did CJ say something when you tucked her in?”
Devon caressed Carrie’s cheek. “I think she just needs to know this will always be her home.”
Carrie sighed. She had thought that CJ was feeling more secure after her earlier outburst.
“Carrie.” Devon held Carrie’s gaze. “She needs to know that no matter who leaves or who might come into our lives, this is home.”
Carrie was confused.
“Lorraine told her that when you and I have a baby, we won’t want her here anymore.”
Carrie wanted to scream. “She what?”
“I don’t know exactly what she said. That was the gist of it.”
Carrie rubbed her eyes. “Why would she do that?”
“Who knows?”
“Then again, why am I surprised? This is the shit she always pulled with Dar.”
“What do you mean?”
“Lorraine,” Carrie groaned. “She always found some way to tell Dar why things wouldn’t work out. She told her that Tommy would bail. Pretty sure she told her that about me a few times too.”
Devon couldn’t claim to be surprised. She had been furious when CJ shared her fears; fears brought about by Lorraine Knowles. She also knew that losing her temper wouldn’t help anyone. As if on cue, a figure appeared in Carrie’s bedroom door.
Carrie smiled at CJ. “Well? Come up here,” she invited the toddler to the bed. She helped CJ up and pulled her close. “Can’t sleep?”
CJ shook her head.
“Do you want to sleep with us?” Carrie asked.
CJ nodded.
Oh, CJ. What do I do? Carrie pulled CJ to sit between her and Devon. “What do you think about heading to the beach tomorrow? Just you, me and Dev?”
“Really?”
“If Dev is up for it.” Carrie looked at Devon.
“Me? I’m always up for the beach. I like to catch crabs.”
Carrie’s eyebrow shot up into her hairline. Devon rolled her eyes.
“Me too!” CJ exclaimed.
“Crab catching it is,” Carrie said. She bit her lip to keep from laughing. Devon, however, erupted in laughter.
“Why’s you laughing?” CJ asked.
Carrie winked. “I think Auntie Dev is overtired.”
“You need to go to sleep, Auntie Deb.”
Devon painted on her best serious face. “You’re right.”
“Yep. The silly bugs got you,” CJ said.
“Yes, they have,” Carrie agreed. She reached over and clicked off the light.
“Auntie?” CJ whispered as she snuggled against Carrie.
“Yes, monkey?”
“Deb says I can have two moms.”
Carrie let her head fall onto CJ’s. Dar’s letter was still ringing in her brain. “Please remember that CJ is part of me just like you are part of me. That makes you part of each other. No matter what happens, I know that.”
Carrie kissed the softness of CJ’s curls. She found herself thinking about Devon’s mother. Jillian had become as much a mother to Carrie as Gwen Maynard. They were different relationships. She called Jillian, Mom. More than that, Carrie felt that endearment in every nerve of her body. I hope I can live up to that. She took a deep breath and reveled in CJ’s affection.
“Auntie Dev is pretty smart,” Carrie finally said. “I have two moms.”
“You do?” CJ asked.
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“Sure, I do. I have your Grandma Gwen and your Grandma Jill.”
“Then I can have you and Mommy.”
Carrie closed her eyes. “Yes, sweetheart; you can.”
“And, we get Deb too.”
“Yes, we do,” Carrie agreed. She could feel Devon’s eyes on her. She didn’t need to see Devon to know what Devon was thinking.
“I love you,” Carrie said. “Both of you—you crazy pizza padawans.”
“Who are you calling a padawan?” Devon said. “Me and CJ are the masters.”
Carrie chuckled. She’s got me there. “Go to sleep.”
“Yes, Mom,” Devon replied smartly.
CJ giggled.
Carrie felt a tear fall over her cheek. I’ll try, Dar. I promise; I will try.
Chapter Five
Three Months Later
“Are you sure this is what you want to do?” Tom asked Carrie.
Carrie nodded.
“Have you told Devon yet?”
“No. I’m going to talk to her tonight.”
“Carrie, I don’t want you to feel like you don’t have a choice here. There are options. When Dar’s house sells…”
“I know I have a choice. This is my choice. I need to do this. It’s not just for CJ or for Dev; it’s for me.”
Tom decided to change the subject. “How is everything else going?”
“What do you mean?” Carrie grinned.
“You two haven’t set a date yet?”
“No, not yet.”
“I hope that’s not because…”
“Tommy,” Carrie stopped her friend. “We’ve both had a million things to deal with. That’s the truth. To be honest, I already feel married to Devon.”
“I know.”
“I’ve needed to concentrate on settling things at work…”
“And, you have CJ.”
“CJ is not the reason we haven’t made it official—not at all.” She leaned back in her chair. Life since Dar’s death had been both complicated and amazing. There were emotional minefields to navigate from time to time. Tom had bailed Dar’s house out of foreclosure and had placed it on the market for sale. It had taken more than a month for Tom and Carrie to weed through Dar’s things. Dar’s parents had been little help. As had always been the case, Doug Knowles remained silent while his wife exercised the right to her opinion at every turn. Two weeks with Dar’s parents as a constant fixture in Carrie’s life had felt like two years. It gave her a new understanding of the life Dar led before meeting Carrie.
Tom had made the move to appoint Carrie co-guardian of CJ. Carrie had the ability to make decisions about everything for her goddaughter from CJ’s health and schooling to basic everyday decisions. She and Devon had CJ Sunday night through Thursday morning every week, allowing Tom to schedule his needed travel. Tom picked CJ up from preschool on Thursday and brought her over to Carrie’s house for Sunday dinner, which had become a family affair. The arrangement worked for everyone.
Carrie had been wrestling with decisions about the business she and Dar built together. As the weeks wore on, it became apparent to Carrie that she needed a change. The small interior design firm had grown exponentially in a short period. The needs of the business commanded more of Carrie’s time than she wished to give. She loved her work, and she loved Dar. Dar was gone. Walking into the small building that housed Maynard and Willis had become too painful for Carrie. Her heart simply wasn’t in the business any longer.
Carrie smiled at Tom. “Dev and I haven’t told anyone.”
“Told anyone what?”
Carrie shrugged.
“Are you pregnant?”
“Not yet,” Carrie said.
“Not yet?”
“We’re working on it.”
Tom smiled. Carrie’s revelation was not surprising to him. It shouldn’t have been. He was Carrie’s donor. “Really?”
Carrie nodded. “Round one,” she said. “We’ll see.”
“So, maybe a shotgun wedding?”
Carrie laughed. “One can hope.”
***
Devon walked into the house and stopped abruptly. “What is she up to?”
“Who might that be?” Carrie appeared in the hallway.
Devon immediately lost her breath. Carrie was wearing a strapless black dress, and her hair fell softly on her shoulders. Jesus. “You look amazing.” Devon looked at herself. “And, I look like a hash slinger.”
Carrie closed the distance between them. “You’re perfect.”
“Have you been drinking?” Devon asked.
“No.”
“Not that I’m complaining, but what is this about?”
Carrie smiled. “I wanted tonight to be special.”
Devon kissed Carrie softly. “No matter what happens tomorrow…”
“I know,” Carrie said. “Let’s just say that I would like tonight to be anything but clinical.”
Devon chuckled. “I got that.” She accepted Carrie’s hand and walked into the kitchen. Devon shook her head and laughed at the candlelit table with a pizza box at its center. “You are too much,” she said.
Carrie directed Devon to sit. “I didn’t hire a wait staff,” she said. “So, I’m afraid you will have to help yourself.”
Devon grabbed a piece of pizza and took a sip of the wine Carrie had poured. She noticed the water glass next to Carrie’s plate. “You’re not drinking?”
“Call it preparation. Maybe it’s superstition.”
“I think I understand. Are you nervous about tomorrow?”
“No,” Carrie replied honestly. “Hopeful. Trying not to be too hopeful.”
“Me too.”
Carrie took a deep breath.
“What is it?” Devon asked.
Carrie had debated how she would tell Devon the rest of her news.
“Carrie?”
“Dev,” Carrie began slowly. “I met with Earl Hargrove this morning.”
“Hargrove? That’s the guy that wanted to buy the company, right?”
Carrie smiled.
“Carrie?”
“I’m selling the company.”
“What? Why? You know, you don’t…”
“Devon,” Carrie stopped Devon in her tracks. She made her way to Devon and took a seat in her lap. “It’s the right thing. And, before you say anything, it’s the right thing for everyone.”
“You built that company.”
“I did—with Dar.”
“What about moving the office?”
“It’s not the office, Dev. It’s not just Dar’s memory. I need to think about what’s best for the people I employ. I have to think about the clients. Hargrove doesn’t want Maynard and Willis only for its clients. He wants it for the designers. And, believe me; the offer is generous.”
“What about you?”
“Me? I told you; the offer is generous. I can afford to take a little time off. Actually, I can afford to take a lot of time off.”
“I don’t care about the money,” Devon said.
“I know.”
“What about your career?”
“Well, the sale won’t be complete until after the first of the year, so I will be busy for the next couple of months.”
“And then?”
“I don’t know. I thought I might go solo. You know me, Dev. I need to work.”
“Yes, I know.”
“But big accounts and constant travel—that was never my aspiration. There are plenty of small businesses and individuals I can work with. Besides, I’d like to get my hand back in it.”
“You mean designing?” Devon guessed.
“I do. I can make my schedule. I can choose my clients. If I want a break, I can take it.”
“Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Positive. I want time, Devon. I want time with you and the kids.”
“Kids, huh?”
“I hope so.”
“Me too.” Devon kissed Carrie softly. “You know, CJ
will be thrilled.”
“Oh, I don’t know. She thinks she runs the place.”
“Yeah, but she’ll get to boss you around even more now.”
Carrie laughed. “Probably so.”
“So, that’s why I get pizza tonight?” Devon asked. “Did you think I’d be upset?”
“No.”
“I’m kidding.”
“I just want tonight to be a new beginning for us. I’ve been looking back so much these last few months. I need to look forward.”
“I understand.” Devon kissed Carrie again. This time, Devon’s hands began to wander.
“Aren’t you hungry?” Carrie asked.
Devon replied with a tender kiss. She pushed Carrie off her lap, stood, and offered Carrie her hand.
“Dev?”
“Forward, right?”
“Forward,” Carrie agreed.
“Well, I know it isn’t the same, but maybe we could pretend we are going about all of this the old-fashioned way.”
Carrie smiled. “Devon Brine, are you propositioning me?”
“Absolutely.”
Carrie wrapped her arms around Devon’s neck. “Take me to bed.”
Devon’s heart hammered in her chest. How does she do that?
Carrie put out her hand. “Coming?”
“God, I hope so,” Devon mumbled.
Carrie laughed as she led Devon toward the stairs. I love you, Devon.
***
Carrie closed the bedroom door and turned to Devon. Devon never ceased to take her breath away. Devon was wearing her usual attire after work, a pair of jeans, her Timberland hiking boots, and a soft, white sweater that highlighted Devon’s curves perfectly. So, beautiful. A few steps and Carrie was standing in Devon’s arms. “I love you, Dev.”
Devon’s hands moved to hold Carrie’s face tenderly.
Carrie’s eyes searched Devon’s as Devon’s fingertips traveled over her neck, tracing the edge of Carrie’s dress, the line that separated skin and cloth. Devon’s eyes dropped to follow the path her fingertips explored.