Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls

by Tellulah Darling

  “You totally can,” the saleswoman reassures her. “Your bod is awesome.”

  “Let’s not rush things,” I stammer.

  The salesgirl throws me an annoyed look. “Don’t be stupid. I’ll get them.”

  She bustles off.

  I keep blatantly checking Ally out against my will. The only bright spot is that she is too oblivious to get it.

  “So it’s good?” she asks. “I look sexy?”

  “Yeah,” I reply, trying really hard not to sound disturbed.

  “Really?” She is doubtful. “Because that’s pretty much the same look John Hurt had before the alien spewed out of his body.”

  I am spared trying to get myself out of this hard place by a rock. Or in this case, a stump.

  “They said they had some organic cotton pjs at the back,” I hear Jeremy say.

  I turn around slightly and see him stop dead as he spies Ally through her slightly opened door.

  Some tough-looking Asian chick joins him. She glowers darkly at Ally then turns her glare on Jeremy, who meekly looks away.

  Ally’s eyes widen and she pulls me into the changing cubicle with her, slamming the door and trapping me.

  There are about two feet between me and her barely clad body. I’m looking everywhere except at her, and counting ceiling tiles as a distraction.

  Any second and I could blow.

  “Ohmigod,” Ally whispers. “Do you realize who that is?”

  “New girlfriend?” I offer, silently counting nineteen, twenty, twenty-one…

  Ally steps onto the small bench in the cubicle and hoists herself up to peek over the top.

  I flatten myself against the side. No way am I touching her. This, however, only gives me the view from below, which I’ve never had before. I tilt my head to consider all the angles.

  “She’s terrifying,” Ally says in a low voice. “I mean, she hated me before, but now I think we’re into wants me dead territory. You think she carries a shiv?”

  Ally uses my shoulder to get down, pressing against me as she steps back onto the floor.

  “Shiv?” I tear my eyes away to do the polite thing and look at her face while speaking to her.

  Big mistake.

  “Yeah,” Ally explains, “hard, thrusty…”

  She makes a stabbing motion with the hand that holds her glasses, as if with a shiv, which looks an awful lot like jerking off.

  I sit down hard on the bench, elbows on my knees to hide my elephantoid dick and avert my gaze.

  “You need to get dressed. Now.”

  No response. Reluctantly, I look at her.

  She’s staring at the ground, sad.

  “Why’d he want her over me?” Ally asks.

  “He’s… she’s… I dunno, Al.”

  Ally glances down at herself. She gives a tight nod and picks up her shirt.

  Aw, man. I stand up and take her hand. “I know it hurts but eventually you’ll meet some guy who loves you the way you deserve to be loved.”

  “I’m not looking for love.”

  “You will again. One day. And until then, you’re going to hold your head up high, have fun, and be that hot girl who guys want to do and girls want to be.”

  Ally gives me a faint smile. “Sure.”

  “I mean it. And if it makes you feel better, I think old Jeremy is having a huge case of dumper’s remorse.”

  “Really?”

  “Big time,” I assure her. “You should have seen his face. You look amazing.”

  Ally straightens up with a look of steely determination. “I’m going out there to destroy him with my hotness.”

  “Want to stick it to Jeremy, huh?”

  “That too petty?”

  “Naw. Avenging females are smoking.”

  I’m glad to see that she’s in better spirits. And happily, the conversation has calmed me down too.

  “Thanks, Sam.”

  She gives me a huge hug. Except she’s still in her lingerie, making my dragon roar its head again. I pull away.

  Ally glances down at my crotch and with a knowing grin, punches me in the arm.

  My hard on strains against my jeans, painfully. “Go out there, head held high,” I say, eager to wrap this up.

  I bolt.

  Chapter ten

  I resist the urge to hum as I get back into my new clothes. I keep the new bra on for a sassy flash of purple.

  It’s not that I gave Sam a hard-on because I’m sure that the right gust of wind can do that. Although he was very sweet about Jeremy. Nope, it’s that I really am going to go out there and show that dinklord what he’s lost.

  I exit in time to hear Jeremy say to Sam “When did she…?”

  He trails off. The second time I’ve seen him at a loss for words. Except this time it’s because my ass is fine, not because he wants to dump it.

  “Jeremy! How are you?”

  They both spin at my cheerful voice. I sidle up to them, a bunch of colorful lingerie spilling from my fingers.

  I thrust them into Sam’s arms so I can hug Jeremy.

  “You know,” I say, ending the hug, “those first après breakup social run-ins can be so awkward. But this is just…”

  I trail off because I’ve noticed Jeremy’s stare of confusion at me. Like I’ve been possessed by an alien.

  I turn to Sam for help but he’s busy frowning at my lingerie.

  “…Delightful,” I finish lamely.

  I slide my arm through Sam’s. He jerks his head up. I’m not sure what his problem is but I’m not going to worry about it now when the upsetting of the ex is going so well.

  “We’re all adults out shopping,” I continue. “Jeremy and Leslie. Me and Sam.” I squeeze his arm.

  “You and Sam?” Jeremy repeats. “Are you two?”

  I laugh. “I haven’t slept with Sam…”

  The “yet” is heavily implied.

  “Great chatting,” Sam mutters. He stuffs the lingerie back into my arms and strides briskly toward the cashier.

  I give Jeremy a little wave over my shoulder and catch up quickly.

  “Smoking hot and avenged,” I whisper happily.

  “Excellent,” he says in the opposite tone of voice.

  I refuse to let his mood get to me. I’m really happy with my makeover and I guess it’s pretty obvious because when I get home later, my mom takes one look at me and practically bursts into tears.

  “Oh. My baby. Look at you.”

  “Um, thanks, Mom.” I’m torn between major embarrassment and childish delight that my mom likes it too.

  “You’re so happy. I’ve been so worried about you moping around after that stupid Jeremy. And now…” she sighs, a smile on her face.

  “But what about how I look?” Yes. I’m fishing.

  “Hon, you look gorgeous.”

  I perk up.

  “I mean you always look beautiful to me.”

  Slight deflation.

  “But now, I feel like you’re just shining through in your beauty.” She plants a big kiss on my head.

  I know I’m not supposed to care what she thinks. But I do. Mostly.

  I give her a hug. “Well, I couldn’t have done it without you and the good people at MasterCard.” I return the credit card she so generously gave me.

  She looks like she might cry again so I quickly say, “Want to see what I bought?”

  “Absolutely.”

  We take my packages upstairs and I try on my new armor for the chasing of boys.

  The next day, after a brief stop at Rachel’s so she and Ian can admire my new look, Sam and I head to the Great Paragliding Pair Up.

  It’s mostly college students but there are a handful of high schoolers like us there to go paragliding. Well, I am. Sam’s feet do
not leave the ground. The boy has an awful fear of flying.

  Sam zips his jacket up tighter against the wind on the hill and motions around us. “This is the perfect environment for you. First, you’re a paragliding fiend so you’re already in your element. Yes?”

  “Yeah,” I reply doubtfully.

  “Second,” he continues, “the point of this is for singles to get to know each other. There’s context. I know you like context.”

  “Very good, Sam. But now that I have my extreme good looks, which proved so effective on Jer, I can just run with any natural conversations that get struck up.”

  “Terrible idea. Just for you, as a special limited time offer, I’m going to share the Sam Cruz patented Three Step Guide to Backseat Success.”

  “I am not having sex in a car.”

  “Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.” He leers at me with a wink.

  I roll my eyes.

  “Besides, that’s just the catchy product label. It’s guaranteed to work anywhere.”

  “I do not want sex in a box, I do not want sex with a fox…” I begin, then frown. “Maybe the fox. Of the human variety.”

  “You do want sex here and there, you do want sex everywhere,” Sam concludes.

  “Funny,” I concede. “Gimme the steps.”

  “One at a time. First up is the Falco Dax.”

  “Huh? Didn’t you have a dog called Falco?” Then it hits me. “That’s your porn name. There is a difference between dominant empowerment and porn star.”

  “It’s not porn. It’s step one. Falco Dax is the guy to channel. The ultimate charmer who walks into a place and knows he’s shit hot. He’s confident. He owns it. He’s sex on a stick. And he can get anyone.”

  Sam fixes me in his gaze. “Open up your mind and channel Falco.”

  A sandy-haired guy with a freckled cuteness smiles a hello. Sam subtly motions for me to talk to him, mouthing “Falco” at me.

  “He might have been smiling at you, you know,” I point out, but Sam crosses his arms, shutting down the suggestion.

  I’m nothing if not a diligent student so I attempt my assignment, putting a swagger in my step as I walk.

  Sam stops me with his hand on my shoulder. “Falco is not some goombah who needs to adjust his junk. Now take it up a serious notch here. Be cool.”

  He demonstrates an easy-limbed stride that actually does seem pretty confident.

  “Like this?” I start my walk.

  “That’s a penguin.”

  I adjust my stride.

  “Baboon.”

  One more try.

  “Use your hips, woman. You’re lurching from side to side.”

  I stop dead. “You’re stressing me out.”

  “Think cat.”

  “House or wild?”

  “Jungle,” he says exasperated. “Go Falco while the sun shines.”

  Cutie smiles again at my jungle cat approach. I hope he’s smiling with me, not at me.

  “First time single, long time glider?” I ask. It’s the best I can do.

  “Sadly,” he replies, “long time single too.”

  I take note of his T-shirt visible under his open jacket, featuring Calvin and Hobbes as Han Solo and Chewbacca.

  “Great shirt,” I state. “Except as sidekicks go, Hobbes in his natural state is a billion times cooler than Chewie.”

  He frowns and looks down at the image.

  Test. He thinks Star Wars is: a) okay, b) the greatest film ever made or c) not a tale but the guiding truth. If B or C, then even for casual hooking up, I’d have to cross him off the list. Between the guys in my honors classes and those in the environmental movement, I’ve had that film shoved down my throat more times than I can stomach. There’s not enough sex appeal in the world that can overcome that obsession for me.

  He grins. “I agree, but Calvin’s just a kid so we gotta cut him some slack for his fantasies.”

  Passed with flying colors.

  And just like that, we’re having a conversation. It’s fun. And yes, even a little flirty.

  I see that predictably Sam has found a willowy redhead, but I’m happy for us both.

  The next half hour passes really quickly. Marcus, my Calvin and Hobbes guy and I are having an awesome time. I don’t remember talking this much in forever. It makes me realize how much Jeremy dominated everything.

  I expound upon my current point. “It’s a basic signal of attraction. The female tosses her hair, allowing her to expose her armpit and releasing pheromones. That draws her prospective mate in.”

  “Uh… That’s complicated,” Marcus says.

  “Not really. See what happens is—”

  “Back in a second, okay? I’ve got to check something.”

  He takes off. Sam arrives.

  “What did you do to him?”

  “Nothing. We were talking.”

  “You were lecturing,” Sam admonishes. “Poor guy looked like there was going to be a quiz. You completely intimidated him.”

  “Did not.”

  “Did you flirt at all? Did you embody Falco?”

  “Yes!”

  Sam looks doubtful.

  “I encouraged him to talk about himself. I laughed at his jokes.”

  “But for the other twenty-eight minutes?”

  To my total shock, I see Marcus walking with some petite brunette. He says something to her. She looks at me and as she passes says “Wow. She sounds really smart.”

  Said as if I have leprosy and punctuated with a giggle.

  Fuck me. It’s happened again. Here I thought I was the lead object of desirability but I got blindsided by a midget who wriggles her nose when she talks. Probably to access brain function.

  “This isn’t going to work,” I tell Sam.

  “Fine. Cave. Pretty sucky scientist to bail as soon as results aren’t as expected.”

  “Like I’ll fall for your pathetic attempt at reverse psychology.”

  “Okay. You’re a big chicken.”

  “Hey!”

  He clucks at me. “You can stick to your comfort zone and dry up till your enchanted garden shrivels from drought or stick with me and have girls like her dying of envy.”

  I hear the brunette giggle again. I won’t lie. It grates like nails on a chalkboard. “Promise?”

  “Swear. Go do your crazy pretend you’re a bird thing. You’ll feel better.”

  The redhead arrives. She places her arm on Sam and smiles warmly at me. Oh man. What did he tell this one?

  “I hope you don’t mind if I steal your brother.”

  Brother? “He’s all yours.”

  “It’s sweet how worried he is about you after your breakup.”

  Pimping my tragedy for a hook up? Sam knows I’m going to kill him, but he also knows that I won’t bust him so he’s looking pretty smug.

  “Sam’s the best. And I’m so glad he has someone to take him through his first flight.”

  “Flight?” Sam looks green just talking about it. “Uh. No. I don’t paraglide. I just came to support Ally.”

  The redhead claps her hands in delight. “A first timer.”

  “Total virgin,” I say sweetly. This entire conversation is cheering me up.

  Sam glares at me. “Thanks but no thanks.”

  Redhead squeezes his hand. “I promise to take very good care of you. I’ll be gentle.”

  Sam grins. And that’s the moment I know he is totally screwed. Because a lifetime of habit kicks in and he can’t resist her.

  “I’m sure you will,” he says, allowing himself to be led off.

  It’s cruel but I have to watch.

  Maybe I won’t be the one with the worst afternoon. Fingers crossed.

  Chapter eleven

  I’m vaguely aware
of Alicia clipping something onto me, but mostly all I can feel are her hands running over my chest.

  Our flirting is so blatant, I’m surprised Ally doesn’t feel like a voyeur, watching us from her nearby viewing point.

  Alicia places her head on my shoulder. “Feel good?”

  I lean back, putting our bodies in contact. “Excellent.”

  “Great. Now, all you have to do is run down this slope, take off, and fly.”

  Huh. She wasn’t just saucily feeling me up. It hits me that I’m now harnessed into a tandem paraglider in front of her. That chilling realization must mean…

  I finally, truly look at the view in front of me, dropping off sharply into nothingness. I go pale as I realize that there is only a few feet of land between me and the blue void.

  I’m going to spew.

  “Gorgeous,” Ally sighs happily.

  I shoot her an “are you stupid?” look. It’s my worst nightmare.

  “Wait. We’re really going to? No. I don’t think so.”

  “Count of three,” Alicia says briskly. “One, two—”

  I blackout before she hits “three”.

  Later at the bowling alley, I mimic the crunching of Alicia’s wrist to a highly amused Rachel and Ian, who sport matching vintage bowling shirts.

  “Apparently, I landed full-on dead weight on top of her wrist and broke it,” I explain.

  “That’s when the ambulance arrived,” Ally adds unhelpfully.

  “You’re loving this, aren’t you?” I ask her.

  She beams at me. “He was out cold at that point.”

  “I, for one, am impressed with Sam’s dedication to the pursuit of shagging. Going so far he’d jump off a cliff,” Ian teases.

  “No, honey,” Rach corrects him. “The real strategy was to faint, causing bodily harm to this poor girl who he could then nurse back to health. Sam, you are a twisted genius.”

  “Finished busting my balls? I was a helpless victim hypnotized by her hot looks.”

  “You’re a big boy,” Rachel scolds. “You could have used your words.”

  “He just wanted to chat up the scrummy girl,” Ian agrees.

  “At least no one giggled at you,” Ally says. She’s still sensitive about the brunette.

  “No, they were too busy filming me for YouTube,” I shoot back.