Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls

by Tellulah Darling

  For some reason, I’m very nervous about telling him about either point. That I’ll have disappointed him.

  I feel like Sam really wanted me to pull this off. As if I was some kind of emblem for all girls of the monogamous variety. And through me, there was something he could prove.

  Since I’m polite, and a bit of a coward, I’ve been letting him finish up his story about Attila, even though a glance at my watch shows that Adam is going to be here any minute.

  “Damn cat gave me a heart attack,” Sam says. “I searched for half an hour before I realized she’d not only gotten out but somehow climbed up onto my neighbor’s balcony and was stuck.”

  “You love her.”

  “She’s a pain in the ass.”

  Here’s my chance. I’ll tell him. I open my mouth but before I can speak I hear Adam say—

  “There you are.”

  “Adam,” I coo.

  Sam shoots me a “what was that?” look. Then frowns as he takes in my wide eyes and grin for Adam.

  I twirl a piece of hair in what I hope is an adorable manner, trying to be at my least threatening for my date.

  Not a herpes-ridden teen mom wannabe. See?

  “You made it,” I gush. As Adam comes up beside Sam, I can’t help comparing the two boys that I’m doing. Was doing.

  And getting a slight thrill out of the fact that I have two.

  Had two.

  One dark, one fair-haired, both cute boys, Adam would probably be considered the more conventionally better looking of the two. But Sam is also wicked charming. So bonus appeal points for that one.

  If I was still counting.

  Besides, Sam’s lacking charm at the moment, as his face is scrunched up in an incredulous wince.

  Adam notices Sam and sticks out his hand to shake. “Nice to meet you properly, Sam,” he says.

  I telepathically will Sam to be nice this time.

  “You too,” Sam replies as he returns the shake. “Sorry about the joke. No hard feelings.”

  I practically groan in relief.

  “Naw,” Adam tells him. “I’d be jealous of Ally spending time with another guy, too.”

  “And yet you look just fine with it,” Sam says with a bit of an edge.

  Adam blinks in confusion, then grins. “You mean you. Good one. But you don’t count.”

  Sam doesn’t seem too impressed at that interpretation.

  I step between them and act all giggly. “He means since you’re my best friend,” I tell Sam.

  Sam’s eyes narrow but he doesn’t say anything.

  “You guys come here often?” Adam wants to know.

  “When we can’t download porn, we come to see the parrots hooking up,” Sam deadpans.

  I snort my laughter. Sam cracks a grin at me.

  Adam looks blank.

  Whoops. Damage control. Alter Ally doesn’t laugh like that.

  “As a sign of affection,” I begin in my breathy voice, “two parrots will….” I trail off, unsure how to explain it without coming across like I have a brain. “Nevermind,” I singsong cheerily.

  Adam slings an arm around me. “Ready to go?”

  Sam is surprised.

  I gingerly slide myself out from Adam’s arm. “Just one sec, okay?”

  “No prob. Nice meeting you, Sam.” Adam moves off to wait for me.

  “You’re seeing him again?” Sam accuses before I can explain what I’ve been feeling. “I thought you weren’t getting involved.”

  He sounds so judgmental that I can’t bring myself to fess up.

  “This is hardly involved,” I say breezily “He’s fun. This is just….”

  “Fun?”

  “Yes.”

  He mimics my breathy voice and wide eyes. “Go have fun with Adam.” He pretends to twirl a lock of hair.

  I glare at him.

  “He’s so exciting,” Sam says in a stupid falsetto, “my I.Q. goes down ten points around him.”

  “Shut up. I look good. I’m stupid. What guys want.”

  “Not all of us,” he replies.

  “Really? Because you have stimulating conversations with females?”

  “I do with you.”

  “I don’t count. And you just proved my point.”

  I hug him and head off toward Adam.

  I’ll tell Sam tomorrow. Tonight, I just have to get through my date.

  Without being me.

  Chapter twenty-one

  Ally has a point. I don’t hang out and chat with other girls unless it’s a precursor to something else. But if she’s going to keep up this social schedule of hers and leave me out in the cold, it seems I’m going to have to mix things up.

  Which is how I find myself at the bowling alley, lacing up my shoes with Nikki.

  “I’ve gotta say, I was really surprised you called me to go bowling,” Nikki informs me. “And it wasn’t a euphemism for anything. You and that girl have a fight?”

  I watch the screen light up with our names. “Ally? No. Why?”

  “I dunno.” She picks up her ball and waits for the pins at the end of the lane to set themselves. “You two always hang.”

  “You and I had fun together that night, right?” I ask, scoping out her fine ass in tight jeans.

  “Yeah.”

  “Why not hang out then. As friends?”

  I’m not sure if she’s considering what I said or ignoring it as she focuses on the far end and lets her ball go.

  “Was she busy?”

  She knocks down the pin on the left.

  “Nikki…”

  “Alright. I’m dropping it.”

  She takes her other turn. Gutter ball.

  It’s going to be a long game.

  To add some fun into it, I pick up a ball and do my Fred Flintstone move.

  “Sti-rike,” I call, releasing the ball.

  To my total shock, I actually land a strike.

  “Ha! Did you see that? Mock at your peril…” I trail off, remembering that I’m not with Ally. Also, Nikki is staring at me like I’m mental.

  “Have you never bowled a strike?” she asks.

  “Forget it.”

  I sit down and let her take her turn.

  She picks up the ball and pretends to rub it vigorously, while tossing off Jesus Quintana quotes in a Cuban-American accent.

  Now it’s my turn to stare.

  “Big Lebowski. It’s this movie.”

  I nod. “I know. The theatre where I work had a special screening a couple months ago because the owner loves it. I just wouldn’t have pegged you for a Coen Brothers fan.”

  She shrugs. “My dad really loves them. Got me into them. I’m not big on their stuff after O Brother, though.”

  “Not even No Country For Old Men?” I ask her, amazed that we have this of all things in common.

  “Haven’t seen it. Maybe after we could go watch it together,” she suggests.

  “Sounds good.”

  And it is. Which is exactly what I’m trying to tell Ally the next day after school on our way to my place to do homework.

  “You really hung out with Nikki?”

  “For the seventieth time. Yes. We did a Coen Brothers marathon.”

  “That must have been fun for everyone,” she says snarkily.

  “It was. She loves them. We had a cool night.”

  Ally doesn’t look too thrilled to hear that. Which is weird, since me being friends with other girls was her idea.

  “Huh. I mean, she sounds great. You just don’t usually hang out with girls you sleep with.”

  “You got me thinking,” I tell her. “Maybe I should be friends with some of them. Have stimulating conversations. You’re evolving. I’m evolving.”

  “Evolving t
akes time,” she says crossly. “It’s a process, not a destination.”

  But I’m psyched about this idea and keep riffing off it. “We’re the poster children for modern relations between the sexes.”

  “Well, in our case, it’s kind of easy,” she says. “I mean I know you way too well to ever consider an actual relationship with you. Can you imagine?”

  We walk past the first of three identical houses, located right before mine, that are fronted by white picket fences. Ally peers at me as if she expects an answer.

  I blink because I’ve just seen Ally and me pop up in the first yard. I shake my head sharply but the hallucination doesn’t go away.

  The me in the yard is fixing my bike. Ally wears headphones and waters the garden.

  I start as the real Ally’s voice keeps talking.

  “The wedding would be a fiasco as all your past conquests pack the church, weeping about their loss of your magical penis,” she tells me.

  I try to keep up a bantering tone with her, even though I’m still confused about what I’m seeing.

  “I’d be generous,” I front. “Maybe do a couple of them to put them out of their misery. Right before I said my vows of course.”

  My hallucination self sneaks up behind the hallucination Ally, grabs the hose, and fires it at her.

  “No doubt,” real Ally says.

  We pass the first yard. I glance back but the vision is gone.

  I relax as we pass the second yard because it’s clear.

  That’s because apparently we were fooling around in the car parked at the curb this time. Hallucination Ally and I pop up in the front seat. Our hair is disheveled and our clothes are misbuttoned.

  What the hell is going on?

  Real Ally hasn’t noticed anything weird because she’s rambling on with her little spiel.

  “Then you’d knock me up,” she says.

  “What?” I ask, a little sharply.

  She frowns. “After we’re married.”

  “Oh. Right.”

  “I’d be left alone to raise your spawn,” she continues. “Meanwhile you’re gadding about, spreading your seed, while I pass my peak sexual years trying to entice delivery boys inside for a series of free meals.”

  I’d laugh except I’m freaking out at the sight of me pulling a grinning Ally toward me and out of view of the car window.

  I crane forward. What are we doing down there? I can’t see inside far enough.

  And I’m becoming aware of real Ally standing beside me, glowering at me.

  Is she waiting for me to say something? “Think of the ethnic variety though,” I shoot back.

  I’m starting to panic. Am I going insane? Over Ally? The final house we pass features the two of us, cuddled in the yard in a hammock. Just being close.

  “You and me,” Ally says beside me. “Day in, day out, for the rest of our lives. Till death do us part.”

  My hallucination self freezes in mid-stroke of Ally’s hair at those words.

  I’m having trouble breathing and my alternate self isn’t looking too good either because he bolts from the hammock, dislodging alter-Ally and racing out of the yard.

  I think I might pass out.

  “Yeah,” I say, as we head up my front walk. “That would be a total disaster.”

  To put it mildly.

  Chapter twenty-two

  It wasn’t supposed to turn into this. I was just annoyed that Sam had had fun hanging out with another girl that he wasn’t sleeping with.

  That’s our thing. Was our thing.

  Whatever.

  I stomp into his house behind him, silently fuming.

  I certainly didn’t intend to try and find out what he thought of us as a couple. In a totally joking way that somehow started to get more serious for me the more ludicrous it got.

  And I HATE the fact that when Sam says “That would be a total disaster,” I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. Because he’s saying we’d be a total disaster. Not that I want that.

  But all I say is “That’s what I figured.”

  Even though I figure that since he’s branching out with stupid other girls as friends, I’m being downgraded to some chick he sleeps with.

  Slept with.

  Whatever!

  I’ve got to tell him about Adam. Now.

  “So, uh, I wanted to tell you. There’s this thing. About Adam. See, I’m—”

  I don’t finish because I catch the look on his face. He’s mad but his eyes have gone dark, how they do when he’s turned on.

  My stomach gives a little lurch of scared excitement, like when you’re about to go over the top on a roller coaster, and my breath catches.

  Then we’re making out. Like up against the front door, ripping each other’s clothes off, get-in-me-now sex.

  And it’s crazy wild. But it’s angry, too, only I don’t know what he has to be mad about and then I don’t care because somehow my shirt is being pulled off and he’s fumbling with his belt and my legs are wrapped around him.

  Then Sam does something with his teeth to that spot on my neck that makes me forget to breath because I’m drowning in pleasure, his head hits my chin sharply and I gasp in pain as we go flying.

  Sam’s dad has just pushed his way in through the front door.

  Greg looks away pointedly, as Sam and I scramble for our clothes.

  I want to die.

  But that doesn’t appear to be an option so instead I throw my clothes on, avoid eye contact with either of them, and bolt.

  Chapter twenty-three

  To listen to my dad, you’d think this was all my fault.

  “How am I the bad guy?”

  “Ally is a good girl.”

  “And I’m some douchebag who hypnotized her with my evil ways?”

  “You think this is a joke?” I’ve never seen my dad so mad.

  “No,” I mutter. Because I don’t. But not because he’s about to have a brain aneurysm from anger.

  I don’t blame Ally for running. I do blame her for bringing up the stupid topic of us, even in her joking way.

  Her idiotic need for dominance is driving me crazy. And after those insane images I was seeing, all I could think about was getting back in control.

  So when she said Adam’s name, I just got mad. And wanted to show her who was running this show.

  But my anger turned into viciously turned on and…

  I had to have her. And I could tell she totally felt the same way. But it pretty quickly mutated into something else.

  So, while I have no clue what just happened between Ally and me, whatever it was, it wasn’t a joke.

  It just wasn’t right either.

  “God.” Dad pushes his hands through his hair. “What’s Elise going to say?”

  I hadn’t even thought about Elise. This time. Every other time? Well, let’s just say, I knew she wouldn’t be pleased. Hell, I’d take a shotgun to any guy who got naked with my daughter.

  There’s no point even explaining that I tried to be good. To stay away from Ally. But I just kept caving.

  I think I might throw up. Or put my fist through a wall.

  Dad opens his mouth and I think he’s going to yell at me again but instead all he says is, “Sex doesn’t make things easier, son.”

  I don’t know if that’s advice or a warning.

  I’m not sure if he does, either.

  Chapter twenty-four

  Aside from the paralyzing humiliation of being caught by Greg and wondering how I can manage to avoid him for the rest of my life, I don’t want to think too hard about what happened.

  I don’t know what that was, but whatever it was, it feels bad.

  It wasn’t supposed to happen. And maybe we can just pretend it didn’t. It’s not like Sam is going to want to
talk about it.

  There. Never happened. That’s my plan and I’m sticking to it.

  I’ve never been so happy that Sam isn’t the kind of guy who’ll want to dissect what happened. Like Jeremy would have. We would have had to analyze it for days.

  It was a mistake. But mistakes happen and you’ve got to learn from them, not obsess over them, otherwise you never get to the super excellent breakthroughs. So I will learn from this and move forward.

  Except, I can’t really move forward with Adam, either, because it’s a sham me who is dating him.

  I decide to phone Adam and come clean. Because I’d rather not see him than have him see the fake me anymore.

  But to my surprise, he comes clean, too. Turns out dude is really smart as well.

  We talk on the phone for hours. The next night too.

  And then we go paragliding! I think I’ve died and gone to heaven. So afterward, I invite him to the diner with Rachel and Ian so I can be gushy in public.

  They love him.

  I feel hopeful and happy and more me than I’ve felt in a while. Granted, I haven’t dropped the ultra hot part yet, but even though it’s a bitch to keep up, I do like the look in Adam’s eyes when he checks me out, and he’s totally accepted my personality so I guess I can suck it up and be beautiful for a while longer.

  Hee!

  Adam has everyone—even Matt and Rosie—engrossed in our paragliding day. “Suddenly, we were flying. It was almost spiritual.” He leans back with this look of wonder.

  I realize Sam has entered and is standing by the door watching us.

  We look at each other and I tentatively wave, as this is the first time we’ve seen each other since that fiasco.

  I’m kinda nervous.

  Sam pulls a chair up to the table instead of squishing into the booth.

  I shift uncomfortably, because from his lack of sitting beside me, I know he knows I’m dating Adam. Plus, I wouldn’t bring just any guy to the diner.

  Not that I have to keep Sam appraised of changes in my relationship status, but generally I would and I feel that especially after what happened, it’s important to keep things normal between us.