Berserk

by K. S. Adkins

  Nodding I stand up, I lean over Jules and kiss her on her forehead. Venessa does the same, then takes my hand leading me out to the hallway to a very angry Lina.

  “Tell me,” she demands, blocking our way.

  “She sustained a gunshot wound to the back,” I explain. “It penetrated, meaning the bullet had to be surgically removed. It didn’t exit her body—”

  “I know what penetration versus perforation means, Macy.” She growls. “Did it hit anything vital? How much blood did she lose? Is she expected to make a full recovery?”

  “The doctors declared her as hemodynamic unstable, which means right now she can’t survive without machines. Her blood pressure is too low and she lost a large amount of blood, and her heart can’t work on its own right now. The next twenty-four hours are—”

  “I get it,” she says, turning away. “Thanks, Macy, for everything.”

  Grabbing my hand again, Venessa gets my attention. “She blames herself,” she says. “I don’t like this, Macy.”

  “Me neither, V,” I say, walking back to the waiting room. Speaking to Max specifically, I fill him in on Jules’ condition. I explain further it’s not the bullet wound causing her so much distress as it was the blood loss. That as long as she can come off the machines and function on her own the rest of her recovery should be easier. Out of the corner of my eye I see Lina grab Tony, and they both exit the room quickly. Giving Max and the guys my full attention, I field questions as best as I can until he asks to see her. Taking Max to her I leave him to spend time with his wife, praying that she wakes up and saves him like Jonas did for me.

  Lying in bed after thumbing through pictures on our phones that were sent to us by everyone from the wedding, she runs her finger over the one of us reciting our vows. “Do you think we’ll be together when our times up?” she asks quietly. “After all the time spent apart, trying to get back to each other, you don’t think it’s too much to ask, do you?”

  Looking down at her wearing my ring and resting on my body, I think on my answer. “If you leave this world without me, I’ll follow, Blue. That’s the only guarantee I can give you.”

  “I want us to go together,” she whispers. “Like in The Notebook.”

  “I thought you said you didn’t like that movie?”

  “I don’t,” she admits. “He always came back for her, like you do for me. You never let me forget; you’re like Noah, but you’re real and you’re mine.”

  Speechless, I just pull her closer, cherishing her, worshipping her, loving her.

  I was grateful to the guys for giving me time with her before they took theirs. Bishop told me he was calling Mack, and then it would be all hands on deck. This attack wasn’t random; we all agreed someone wants my wife out of the way. Someone wants all four women out of the way, and expressed as much when they opened fire on them in broad daylight.

  Outside of us no one knew where they were, so the obvious is conclusion is that they had been under surveillance. None of us were close by enough to help, either, which suggests we’re under surveillance as well. Who the fuck has those kinds of resources? The guys and I agree, the DPD does.

  In an effort to soothe her as well as myself, I take her hand, and running my fingers across her cold skin I make circles. How long I do this I don’t know, but when Bishop walks in with Duffy I hadn’t realized I’d been humming too.

  “Anything?” asks Bishop, taking the opposite side.

  “No,” I say. “She’s resting, Bishop, that’s all. She’s just taking a break.”

  “Mack is working this from DC,” says Duffy. “We’re here as long as we’re needed.”

  “She’ll appreciate that,” I tell them both. “We all will.”

  “Max,” says Saint, walking in. “Am I wrong in thinking the DPD declared war today?”

  “You’re not wrong,” I say touching, her hair. “They brought this to our doorstep, we’ll end it on theirs.”

  “What about the club?” asks Jumbo. “I don’t care about the club,” I say. “I care about her. About ending this, about having some god damn peace for once. Remember what Hank said? Cops will turn on cops, civilian against civilian? This attack was organized. We need our own army, and we need it fast.”

  “I’ll get you your army,” says Lina, standing in the door looking fierce. “I’ll bring you the good guys and eliminate the bad; the rest of you can clean house.”

  “They were aiming for you, too,” says Duffy. “This ain’t just about her. It’s about the four of you.”

  “They didn’t take me down,” she snaps. “They took her down, and nobody takes her down while I’m around. I’ll get you what you need to win,” she says, looking at each of us but landing on me. “Be ready.”

  “I’ve convinced her to rest tonight,” says Tony, looking miserable. “You’ll call when there’s a change?” When I nod he walks to the door. “Then we’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Well, boys,” says Bishop, “I think we found our ace in the hole.”

  When everyone nods you can feel hope fill the room. Fuck knows we’re going to need it, and we’ll need every man on deck to protect our women once word gets out. The guys each spend a few minutes with her, touching her, talking to her, and ordering her around. Once they leave I pull up a chair finding my place for the night. ICU has strict visitation policies, but Macy took care of that so I could stay. Promising myself I’d thank her tomorrow, I take Jules’ hand again and tell her all the things I love about her.

  Turns out there was a lot to love because, I fell asleep telling her and woke up to her looking at me with pure fucking love in her eyes. Jesus Christ, I don’t know how I ever got so lucky as to earn her love, but I’m so fucking glad I had it.

  “How are you?”

  “Fine.”

  “When you’re not fine am I going to know, or will you just not be fine silently?”

  “Is this some reverse psychology shit they taught you?”

  “This is me telling you I’m here if you need me, Venessa.”

  “That’s fair,” she says. “What about you?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Ha!” she says, calling me out. “Aren’t we a fucking pair, yeah?”

  “Yeah,” I say, returning the laugh. “So how about those Lions?”

  Sometime during the middle of the night I woke to Max pouring his heart out. Initially I was a little loopy and it was hard to make out, but in the end I realized even he didn’t know what he was saying. It was like he had so much to say and needed to get it all out at once. Taking comfort in that I dozed on and off, until I decided I wanted out of this bed.

  Letting him sleep I was content to watch him breathe. I was content with the quiet, and at that moment even the pain was manageable because I was alive. Believe me, I didn’t expect to be, and I was happy that I was.

  While he rested I thought back on everything that brought me to where I was right now. All of the bullshit with Max aside, we finally found a good, solid place to start over, and someone wants to rip it apart. It isn’t possible that Captain is wholly responsible for this. If he is in fact a part of it, it’s a small one. Even Hank was a pawn, Travis and Eric were pawns, and countless others as well. Hank was trafficking women; he also knew who had access to Macy’s drug. For a split second I regretted killing him, but hell, what’s done is done. He left a trail somewhere; I just have to find it, and when I do we’ll plan on destroy this house of cards and get our city back.

  My mind wanders to Lina and hope that she’s okay and that Tony is keeping her safe. She’ll take it personally that I was wounded and she wasn’t, because she believes her life is less valuable than mine. It’s not true, of course, but Lina struggles with knowing she’s loved. Basically because most of her life, she wasn’t. She can be a total joker, always having a one-liner ready, but it’s to guard herself. Lina is always waiting to be lied to so she can feel justified in distancing herself from others. Unfortunately outside of us girls, there hasn�
��t been another person I know of that hasn’t destroyed her with lies. I worry for her state of mind; every time I see her she’s floated farther away. For now, though, I’m leaving her in his capable hands, because I have a feeling there’s a lot more to Tony than what’s on the surface.

  Max stirs a bit, so I focus back on him. He has a sprinkle of grays running through his hair that I hadn’t noticed before. Maybe it’s the light in here? Or the angle? Or probably the events that have me lying in a hospital bed. Even though I’m starting to get seriously tired, I need to see him before I fall asleep. I want to put his mind at ease that I’m here.

  Having no strength to move my hands and with no ability talk with the tubes running through my nose and down my throat, the only form of communication I have is blinking.

  When his head lifts and his eyes focus I give him the best smile I can despite my challenges. He blinks rapidly then wipes his eyes. It’s me I try to show him with my eyes. I’m here.

  “Blue,” he whispers, squeezing my hand then touching my face. “Stay awake for me, please,” he begs. “Don’t go back to sleep, stay with me.”

  Frowning over his panic he hits a button, then a flood of medical staff run in. “She’s awake,” he says in a hurry. “Take the tubes out, she’ll breathe on her own. Let her sit up, she hates lying down. Find out if she’s in pain—”

  “Sir,” explains the nurse, “you need to calm down. She needs to continue to rely on the machines until her levels are higher, all right? Her waking is a good sign; we’ve been checking on her progress, and if she continues to improve we’ll speak to the doctor about removing it tomorrow, but to keep her calm you need to be calm.”

  “But she’s awake—”

  “It can be very confusing when a patient wakes up like this, especially in these circumstances, but I assure you she’s safe and we’re going to manage her pain now, which is going to force her to sleep.”

  “But—”

  “She needs to sleep,” she says. “You have my word I am right outside that door, all right?”

  When he falls back into the chair and takes my hand, I manage a small smile. I’m feeling confused, only I’m not. I know he’s upset, but I’m so out of it I can’t figure out why. All I know is, seeing him like this hurts me. The second I can speak again I’ll give him every reassurance he needs; until then I’m happy to hold his hand while I sleep. The second the medicine hit my system, that’s exactly what I do.

  I fall asleep with thoughts of my Max, but I wake up with thoughts of war.

  “Why her?” I scream. “Why would you hurt her?” As I lay there bleeding he almost looks sorry that he did it. He’s in his own world, ignoring my existence as usual until I say her name. “Why, Hank? Why Jules?”

  “Jules,” he sneers. “Thought she was better than me. Speaking down to me, ignoring me, and when I try to get to know her what does she do? She attacks me!”

  “She was a kid!” I scream. “A fucking kid! She spent her time on the streets protecting herself from people like you!”

  “And how did that work out for her, son?” he asks, laughing. “Not so well, from where I’m standing.”

  “I’ll kill you.”

  “No you won’t,” he says, pointing the gun at my chest again. “Now that slut? She would kill me. Wouldn’t have to think twice about it, either. Sometimes I look at her and think what life would have been like if she were my daughter. She may be a whore, but she’s strong. Which is more than I can say for you. You Maxwell, take after your Mother.”

  Going back to sleep wasn’t an option. Watching her chest rise and fall was my only concern. Being here with her was my only task; I’d be her sentinel tonight and forever. Around six a.m. the door opens and the Captain walks in. Never removing my hand from hers, I turn toward him and keep it simple “Leave.”

  “I wanted to check on our girl,” he says, approaching anyway. “I heard what happened and I—”

  “You what?” I say. “Thought you’d come by personally to see if she’d pull through? We don’t have time for you, old man.”

  “It’s no secret the city is in shambles, Max,” he says, sitting down. “You may think I ain’t doing my part, but god dammit, I am. I got dirty citizens and even dirtier cops. I’m fucking working overtime trying to get answers.”

  “Did you get answers when you threatened her?” I ask. “Or when you locked her up? Maybe it was when she told you to step back, and you didn’t listen? Are you listening now, Captain?”

  “To save everyone I shut the team down,” he admits. “They were attracting too much attention. Their lives are more important than shutting down a few criminals. To save her I asked her to include me; I can’t help her if I don’t know the score. She told me to choose a side, and it’s the same side I’ve always been on. I’m glad she’s going to pull through, Max. I loved her like I loved my own.”

  “We all know how that turned out, didn’t we?”

  “I’ll regret Gary’s choices as long as I live,” he says quietly. “He was my greatest failure.”

  “How did you even know she was here?”

  “You’ve already decided I’m the enemy, Max,” he says. “At this point what does it matter?”

  Without another word he leaves the way he came and I’m more confused now than ever. Sending a group text I let everyone know in a few words what just happened. I sure as hell don’t know. When the doctor comes in he asks me to step out so they can begin the process of removing the tubing from her I forgot all about the Captain.

  My answer to leaving the room was, “Over my dead body.”

  “Jules?” I hear my name, so I must be dreaming. “Jules?” I hear it again and climb out of bed, making my way to her room.

  “Mom?” I whisper, uncertain I heard her right.

  “Jules,” she says again, reaching out to me with her hand. Standing next to her bed, I take her bony hand, holding it in my own.

  “Mom what’s wrong?”

  Pulling me down toward her I lean my head in. “I hate you, that’s what’s wrong.”

  Closing my eyes, I take my hand back, ready to leave the room, but she keeps going. God knows when she’s starts talking she never shuts up. “Who hates their own kid?” she asks herself.

  “You do, apparently,” I answer, because I’m still here.

  “I hate you because I hate me. I look at you and I see what I used to be before I became… this. I hate you because you remind me of me. I fucking hate you, Jules.”

  “I know, Mom.”

  The voices are unfamiliar.

  Waking up to yelling, I start to worry about Max. What’s happening? Opening my eyes and only able to turn my head slightly I see him screaming at the doctors and nurses. He’s refusing to leave. Wanting to reach out to him I realize I can’t move. When I try to speak, I can’t do that either. My own panic it hits me; the only thing I can do is blink. Am I paralyzed? Did I survive, only to be bound to a bed for the rest of my life? The feeling of helplessness and desperation take over. Silently I scream for him to hear me, to see me, to fucking save me.

  Suddenly I’m surrounded by people.

  “You need to breathe,” I’m instructed urgently. “You’re fine, Jules,” she assures me. “We need to remove the tubing now, but we can’t do that until you calm down.”

  Blinking rapidly, I don’t know what to do. What tubing? All I feel is a tremendous pressure on my chest and pain in my back. The pressure is like being buried alive. My senses all start coming back online almost immediately. Where is he? Max! Max! Help me!

  “Let me see her, god dammit!” he yells, then he’s there in front of me. “Calm,” he says, breathing heavy. “The tubes are coming out, Blue, but you need to calm down. Your levels are spiking, and if you don’t calm down they’ll put you out again, and I swear to god I will kill everyone in this room if they do it.”

  Giving him one long blink, he lets a breath go. “It’s almost over, Blue,” he says. “I swear, you just have to fucking
trust me. I’m not leaving you. You feel that?” he asks, and I blink again. “That’s me anchoring you; I’ve got you. Blink twice if you’re ready.”

  Staring at him and considering my options, I blink twice, then there’s a lot of movement and beeping. I hear the voices again, but I only focus on his. “Blue, the machines are off. You’re breathing on your own now, okay?” he says. “The nurse says she needs you to hold your breath. Blink when you’re ready.”

  Taking a deep breath is so uncomfortable, it’s almost impossible. That’s the moment I truly feel the obstruction and I wanted it out, now. Trying again I blink, letting him know I’m ready. Then there are hands around my face followed by the extraction of the tubes. My eyes fly wide open at the god-awful sensation, which is immediately followed by gagging and gasping for air. He’s there, talking to me, but I can’t focus on anything except getting air.

  Minutes later I can take a deep breath without choking on it, but my throat is on fire and I am so thirsty I would drink anything to put the flames out. When the nurses reposition me on the bed the pain in my back registers and I scream. Max yells for someone to help me, and within seconds there is warmth all over. My eyes close, and I hope these last few minutes won’t haunt me for the rest of my life.

  On the plus side, if the pain I feel from my scalp to my toes is anything to go by, I’m not paralyzed.

  Yay.

  “Did it hurt?”

  “Did what hurt?”

  “Losing the baby,” I ask her, touching her belly. “Did it hurt?”

  “Yes,” she whispers. “It hurt.”

  “I am so—”

  Covering my mouth with her hand, she continues. “The physical part I healed from; it was the emotional part that was hard. It would have been hard whether you were around or not, Max. A loss is a loss.”

  “Had I known…”

  “But you didn’t,” she says. “I hold the blame there. I wanted to tell you in person, but I didn’t get the chance.”