We had a blast with Jessie. She looked so much like her uncle I couldn’t help but pretend she was our baby for the day. We took her out for pizza and brought her to an amusement park. She was so cute and funny. The three of us had so much fun; we totally wore the tot out. By the time we brought her home, she was out cold. Keith’s sister cooked us dinner. She and I hit it off instantly. I figured we’d start spending time with her and her husband but we never did.
It made me feel like Keith didn’t care enough about me, or respect me enough to want me to spend time with his family. And that was when my doubts crept in—all I ever wanted was to matter to Keith. I wanted him to love me the way I loved him. I wanted him to want me to be with him, during the difficult moments, not just for the fun times. I wanted him to know he could rely on me, always.
The more I tried to express these feelings to him the more he closed himself off. He swore to me how much he cared about me, but I didn’t fully believe him. After all, he never once said he loved me. The first time I told him I loved him he said, “Thanks.” Thanks? Just what a girl wants to hear to feel special.
I figured he needed more time and space. So I didn’t push him. I didn’t want to make something out of nothing. I decided to be patient. I figured he needed more time to say the words. I continued to declare my feelings to him, hoping one day he’d be able to return the sentiment. However, he never did. Cared about was the best I ever got. I didn’t want to be cared about. I wanted to be loved. I guess it was natural, given the circumstances. I started to feel like our intimacy was one sided. I had opened up fully to him and he remained closed off. I hated to think it, but at some point I started to feel more like a fuck buddy than a girlfriend, which was pretty appropriate since he never actually referred to me as his girlfriend.
Eventually, I couldn’t handle my feelings of insecurity. They started to consume me. About two months after our second anniversary I went back to Keith’s place after we had dinner out. I was planning on spending the night, like I usually did. We were snuggled up on his couch, sharing a bottle of wine and watching a movie. Well, I was watching the movie he was only half paying attention. He had a pen in his hand and a case file on his lap. Over the years I did get him to ease up on work a little, but never fully. It was a really nice night. I don’t know what came over me. It wasn’t something I planned on doing. For whatever reason, I felt compelled to speak my mind.
As soon as the movie ended, I shut off the television. I faced Keith and stared directly into his eyes. “I love you so much,” I said to him as I ran my hand down his stubbly face. “But something’s bothering me.”
“I knew it. I should have let you pick the movie tonight,” he said with a smile. He clearly had no idea what was troubling me.
“Yeah, you should have. Although I never get tired of watching legal movies with you, because I know you love them so much. I’d do anything to make you happy.”
“And you do, Cee.” He nuzzled my neck.
“I don’t know,” I sat up straight and tucked my hair behind my ears. “I think I do, but sometimes I’m not so sure. I don’t know what to make of our relationship. It feels one-sided to me. I love you like crazy but I don’t know what you really feel about me. I know you aren’t looking for a commitment, and I am fine with that. We’ve been hanging out for about two years and you still don’t even refer to me as your girlfriend.”
“What are we twelve? Do we need titles?”
“No, but…” I paused as I tried to find my words. “I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’m a real part of your life. I need to know you love me.”
“Of course I care about you.” He reached over and tried to wrap his arm around me. I pushed him away.
“Care about me? I need more than care. Can’t you say the words? Can’t you tell me that you love me?” I demanded. And then in a small, shaking voice I added, “Just once?”
Keith picked up his wine glass and took a sip. He stared into my eyes. “You know what I feel, Cee.”
“No. I don’t.” I picked at a cuticle. I refused to look at him. I didn’t want him to see the tears in my eyes. “I never know what you are really feeling or thinking because you don’t tell me.”
“I show you, don’t I?”
“I’m not talking about that Keith.” I gently punched his arm, “I’m talking about what you really feel. Sure, sometimes I can figure out what’s in your heart. Most of the time, I have no idea what is going on with you. You know, there is more to a relationship than romantic evenings, presents, and fancy dinners.” I twirled the gold bracelet he bought me for my birthday around my wrist. “I just want you, the real you. I need to know you feel about me the way I feel about you. I want to know that we have a future together.”
“Cee I’ve told you from the start, I need to take things slow. I’ve been trying to make sure you knew how much I care. I can’t do any more than what I am already doing. Why isn’t it enough for you?” His grin was gone. His eyes were cloudy.
“I don’t know, Keith.” I swallowed back a tear. “I thought it was, and I thought it would be. But it’s too hard. It’s killing me wondering what is going on in your head all the time. It drives me crazy! I don’t know if we have a real relationship or if I’m just wasting my time hoping one day you’ll feel for me what I feel for you.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Keith ran his hands through his hair.
“I guess that’s the problem. There isn’t anything to say.” I rubbed my hands all over my face. I stood up quickly. “I can’t do this any more. I love you Keith. Really, I do. But I need more.” I picked up my coat and bag. I expected him to try to stop me. I was positive he’d say something, anything.
He didn’t say a word. His face was emotionless. He let me walk out of his apartment. I thought by the time I got home I would find a message on my answering machine from him, but I didn’t. My roommates assured me he’d call me later that night, after he realized I wasn’t coming back, but he didn’t call. Every day I’d wake up convinced he’d reach out, and every night I went to bed devastated he didn’t. I cried myself to sleep every night for at least a month. I woke up every morning with a burning sensation in my chest. I felt like someone was ripping my heart in two. I found it impossible to keep anything down. I existed solely on Diet Coke and pretzel rods for weeks, until I ended up in the Emergency Room. The physical pain paled to how horrible I felt when I realized he never cared about me. I had lived every day since believing this, but could I have been wrong? Could he have been waiting for me to call him?
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CECELIA
I raced up the steps to my house. Traffic tonight was horrible. Once again, there was an accident on the Long Island Expressway. I really needed to start looking for alternative routes home. I told myself this every time I got stuck in a traffic jam, which was pretty much every single day of my life. Yet, I never did. Tonight it was a miracle I got home in one piece. I couldn’t shake everything Walter and Bea told me, I kept replaying the conversations in my head.
Self-doubts were eating me alive. I knew there was only one thing that would make me feel better, hugs from my boys. I was positive those little guys would put my overactive mind at ease. I tended to overreact and stress about silly stuff. My little men were like a reset button for me. They always lifted my spirits and helped me focus on what was truly important in life.
“Hey guys, I’m home!” I yelled as I kicked off my shoes and placed my keys and pocketbook on the glass table by the front door. My house was strangely quiet. Unlike the usual chaos I came home to, all I heard was the jingling of Winston’s collar as he rushed over to the door. “Hey, buddy! How’s my boy?” I bent down to properly scratch his neck. He immediately rolled over onto his back so I could give him a proper belly rub. As his hind leg shook uncontrollably, I asked, “Where is your family little boy?” He got up and walked into the kitchen. I followed him and the scent of sautéed garlic.
Bryce had joined his father�
��s practice five years after he graduated from dental school. His dad was a very stern, no-nonsense kind of man. He wanted to make sure Bryce understood hard work and responsibility. He didn’t want to his son to simply waltz into the business he spent his lifetime building. Bryce was happy his father forced him to work elsewhere first because he gained valuable experience. By the time he joined his dad, he was specializing in pediatric dentistry. His father’s practice changed dramatically since kids couldn’t stand his father’s gruff nature. His dad ended up retiring a year or so later. If he were alive, his dad would have been so proud. Bryce had continued to grow the practice. Now he had four dentists working with him, which limited the number of nights he had to work late. And since the office was really close to the house, it was pretty common for my husband to beat me home from work most nights and start dinner, which was a good thing because I was a horrific cook.
“Hey you,” I kissed the back of his neck as he deveined a shrimp.
He turned around to face me. “Hey, beautiful.” He wiped his hands on a dishtowel, before embracing me. “I guess traffic was light tonight.” He glanced at the clock above the range. “I expected you home later. I wanted to have dinner all prepped by the time you got here.”
I smiled. “I left work a little earlier than usual.” I yawned. “I wanted to get home.”
“Well, I have no complaints.” He winked. “Why don’t you go upstairs, freshen up? I’ll finish this.”
“You sure?”
He nodded.
I looked around the room. “It’s awfully quiet here. Where are the double D’s?” I knew we needed to come up with a better nickname for the boys, but…
“I thought it would be nice if you and I had a quiet night together. So after I got home from work, I brought them over to my mom’s. She’s going to make them dinner and then they’ll spend the night. I’ll pick them up in the morning.”
“You are the best! Thanks.” I smiled and went upstairs to our bedroom. As I showered, I felt some of my tension wash away. Even though I really wanted to hang out with my kids tonight, I was really happy to have a night alone with Bryce.
By the time I got back downstairs, Bryce had lit candles on our center island in the kitchen. Soft music filled the room. He laid out two wine glasses and was just pulling a bottle of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc from the wine refrigerator.
Bryce pulled out a stool for me. “I figured we’d hang in here if that’s okay with you?”
“Sure.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Wow, Bryce. The house smells amazing. Shrimp scampi?”
He nodded as he opened the bottle of wine. “Are you in for a treat! We’re going to start off with Caesar salad. I made the dressing from scratch.”
“Oh really?” I smirked at him. “You hardly do that anymore. I’m impressed.”
“Yeah. I figured I’d go all out. And besides, my last patient canceled so I got home extra early.” He poured some wine into a glass and handed it to me.
I took a sip and stretched. “Ah. This is such a nice treat, Bryce. I think it is exactly what I needed.”
“I think it’s what we both needed.” He opened up the fridge and pulled out a chunk of smoked Gouda cheese. He quickly cut it up and put it on a tray with some crackers besides it.
I reached for a piece of cheese and chewed it slowly. “You’ll never guess who I had lunch with today?”
He shrugged his shoulders.
“Anna’s mom and Walter.”
“What was Anna doing in the office today?” he asked.
I loved how he paid attention to detail. “She wasn’t there. I had lunch with them alone.”
He reached for a cracker. “That had to be weird. Walter seems like a nice enough guy, but Cole has told me plenty of stories about Bea over the years. I’m glad she and Anna seem to be working things out, but from what I’ve heard, Bea is a bitch.”
I laughed. “Yeah, that’s putting it mildly.” I pulled my hair back into a ponytail. “Anna has told me some stories too. I’m not so sure she is as horrible as everyone thinks. I kind of like her.”
Bryce tilted his head to the side.
“I do. I actually had a good time. She wanted to thank me for helping with the wedding.”
Bryce took a sip of wine.
“I didn’t figure it out when I was in the restaurant, but on my way home it hit me. I think I figured out what’s been bothering me so much lately.”
Bryce reached across the table and grabbed my hand, “What?”
I told Bryce half of the truth. “I think I’m jealous.”
He looked directly into my eyes. “Jealous of what?”
I took a deep breath. “I’m a horrible friend. I’m jealous of Anna.” I traced the top of my wine glass with my index finger as I tried unsuccessfully to hold back my tears. “I can’t believe I am saying this out loud.”
Bryce walked over to me and gently rubbed my back.
“I’m jealous that Anna and her mom are working things out.”
Bryce didn’t reply. He let me continue.
“Don’t get me wrong; I hated the way Bea had been making her feel all these years. Knowing her relationship was so bad with her mother sort of made me feel a little better about my own situation. Your mom is very good to us, she helps out with the kids all the time, like tonight. But she has never made me feel like a daughter or even a friend.”
“I’m sorry, baby. I know she cares about you a lot. She is just pretty reserved. Years of living with my father, I think.”
“I know. I get that she’ll never be a warm and fuzzy person. And it’s fine. I’m okay with it, really I am.” I took a sip of wine. “Anna already hit the mother-in-law jackpot. Connie is such an amazing woman. I don’t know if there is a more compassionate woman around. And now she’s rebuilding her relationship with her mom. My mom has been gone for so many years. My stepfather has all the time in the world for Stephanie, but none for me. And my real dad.” I paused as I wiped a tear from my eye. “He hated me so much he walked out on me when I was four years old and never returned.”
“Come on, babe.” Bryce shook his head from side to side. “You’ve got to realize now, his leaving wasn’t your fault. The boys have both done worse things over the years and neither you nor I have ever stopped loving them.” He smiled.
I remember the morning my father left like it was yesterday. My parents were fighting. They were screaming and they woke me up. My mom tried ease my fears by letting me finger paint in the kitchen after she gave me breakfast. When my dad finally came into the room, I ran over to him and hugged him tightly. I totally forgot my hands were covered in paint. He went ballistic. He started screaming and shouting; first at my mother and then at me about ruining his suit, especially when he was already late for work. I was already frightened and his yelling didn’t help. I cried so hard I threw up all over his bare feet. He looked at my mom and me with pure hatred before storming out of the room. My mom brought me into the bathroom to clean me up. It was the last time I saw my dad, except for the one time he introduced me to his new daughter at a park a few years later.
“In my head, yes. I get it.” I gave Bryce a small, sad smile. “But in my heart, I just can’t understand how he left and never wanted anything to do with me afterward.” My small tears morphed into a full-blown sob, “Why did he leave me? Why couldn’t he love me? All I ever wanted was to be loved.”
He placed his arms around my waist and guided me into a standing position and embraced me. He nuzzled my neck. “Cecelia, you are loved. I love you so much, and I always will. You never have to worry. I will never stop loving you. I will never leave you.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
KEITH
“Hey, Special K!” My niece Jessie exclaimed as soon as she spotted me standing by the bar. She ran over and threw her arms around me. Even though she lived in the city, I didn’t see her nearly as often as I’d like.
I felt all of the day’s tension melt away, “Hey, sweetie! Look
ing great, as usual.”
Jessie, always overly dramatic, twirled around for emphasis. “Like my hair? I lightened it up for summer.”
“I do. Where’s your sister?” I glanced at my watch. “I thought you guys would come together.”
Jessie shook her head from side to side. “I don’t know what I am going to do with that kid. I guess she didn’t text you.”
“Nope.”
“I’m sorry, Uncle Keith. I spoke to Stacey about an hour ago. She told me she was stuck at work. It’s her first full-time job, for goodness sake. You’d think she was CEO of the company or something. Ugh, she’s such a workaholic.” She poked me in the chest. “She takes after you, you know.”
“And is there anything wrong with that?”
She met my gaze. “Um, are you really asking me that question?” Then she leaned over and took the last sip of my Pinot Noir.
“Help yourself, why don’t you?”
She beamed at me.
“Do you want to have a drink first at the bar or do you want to sit down? I’m good either way.”
She grabbed a handful of mixed nuts. “Um, can we eat? I am starving to death.”
Moments later we were sitting in the back of Jessie’s favorite Italian restaurant. I had been taking her and her sister here for years. I ordered us a bottle of Barolo and raised my glass. “To my favorite niece, just don’t tell your sister, okay.”
Jessie giggled. Since Stacey was born, I had been saying the same thing to both the girls. I had the feeling Jessie never doubted for one second she actually was my favorite.
“So are you going to show me your ring, or do I have to beg to see it?” I asked. I was shocked she waited this long. I expected her to have waved it in my face the second she saw me.
Plan Cee (Secrets, Lies, and Second Chances Book 2) Page 7