I reached into my bag and grabbed my pale pink lip-gloss. I was about to apply some but then decided against it. I didn’t want him to think I was trying too hard. I took a deep breath and got out of my car.
The ocean smelled amazing. Although it was a sweltering day, the humidity wasn’t too bad for a change. My hair was even somewhat behaving, although I really did need to schedule an appointment for a keratin treatment to keep it under control. There was a gentle breeze coming off the sea. My heart thumped so fast in my chest as I walked up the boardwalk ramp. Keith told me to meet him at the first bench. Thank God it was empty! I needed a minute, or five hours, to calm down before I saw him. I still had time to change my mind. I could make a run for it and get a pedicure instead. I did pass a cute little salon when I got off the bridge, and it looked pretty empty.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
KEITH
“So you really did come.” I said softly as I placed my hand on Cecelia’s shoulder. I sounded much calmer than I felt. Slowly she turned around to face me and smiled. God, how I missed that smile.
With a wink, she asked, “What’d you think? I’d chicken out or something?”
I sat down next to her on the bench and handed her a bottle of ice-cold water. “Nah. I knew you’d be here. After all, how could you resist.” I paused for a second and gestured to the ocean. “The beach?”
She smiled.
“Now, if it were just me you were coming to see? Well, that would be an entirely different story.”
She slowly nodded her head. “Hmm. Perhaps.”
I swallowed hard, “So what do we do? Do I shake your hand?”
“Um, that’s awkward, don’t you think, counselor?”
I cleared my throat.
“Oh, sorry. I meant, your honor?”
I laughed. “No. You can keep calling me counselor,” I winked. “I’ve missed it.” Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around her. Her body was tense. I worried I’d made a mistake, overstepped. But then she relaxed ever so slightly and returned my embrace. I wanted to cry. I never thought I would hold her in my arms again.
“Do you want to walk?” She asked as she pulled away and pointed to the west.
“Sure,” I lied. I’d much prefer sitting next to her where I could stare into her eyes, although that would probably would have also freaked her out.
She stood up and took a sip of water. “Thanks, by the way.”
I nodded.
After a few minutes of silence, she asked, “So were you surprised when I called today?”
“The truth?”
“No. Lie to me.”
“Still funny I see. The truth is I wasn’t surprised at all.”
“Oh really.” She gently punched me in the arm, just like she always did when I frustrated her. “So the years have made you even cockier then, huh?”
“They probably have.” I took a sip of water. “Here’s a secret. I knew you were either going to call me today or never call me.”
She pulled her sunglasses down and studied my face. “Huh? I don’t understand.”
“I knew you spoke with Bea today.” I slowed down my pace. I didn’t want to rush the walk. The boardwalk was only eight-tenths of a mile long, and we were almost at the end. I wanted whatever time I had with Cecelia to last as long as possible. “I was actually playing golf with Walter this morning. Bea must have called him as soon as she hung up with you to give him a play-by-play.”
She shook her head. “Wow.”
“Don’t worry. She means well, I’m sure. She’s really is a good woman, once you get to know her. And Wally’s…” He grinned, “A really great guy. He refused to repeat anything Bea told him about your conversation, which pissed me off. All he said was he was sure you’d call me. I didn’t believe him; I’m glad he was right. Even though now I have to buy him a steak dinner. Cecelia, I know it couldn’t have been easy for you to call me. Thank you.”
She rubbed her face, near the top of her nose under her sunglasses. I wondered if she had an itch or was wiping a tear. “It wasn’t. And it wasn’t easy to drive here either. I almost bailed a few times.”
“I’m not surprised. I’m glad you toughed it out.”
She tucked her hair behind her ears. “Yeah, well, I figured I owed it to you to call. After all, I know it couldn’t have been a cake walk for you to have written me either.”
“I did what I had to. I did what I should have done a long time ago. So, did you like everything? Did the dress fit?” I was babbling. I wanted to know how she felt reading my words, but it was safer asking her about the gifts.
“Perfectly.” She stopped walking and faced me. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this.” Then she resumed walking a bit faster than before. “I’ve worn the dress so many times since you gave it to me. In fact, I was actually wearing it today.”
“You were?”
“Yep. I felt funny showing up here in it, so I stopped off at the mall on my way over.”
“Wow. I’m thrilled you’ve been wearing it. I wish you didn’t change. Now, if you tell me you’re wearing a gold bikini under your tee-shirt and shorts all will be forgiven. I’d be an ecstatic man!”
She grinned and punched me again. “Keep dreaming, your honor.”
“Ouch.”
“Hey, you asked for it!” Her smile faded quickly. Then she sighed loudly. “This isn’t easy, Keith,” she shook her head. “I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know what I’m doing. In some ways, everything feels so familiar, so natural. I’ve missed joking with you. I’ve missed our light, easy banter. Hell, I’ve missed you.”
I opened my mouth to speak. She didn’t give me a chance.
“I’m putting on an act. I’m pretending everything is okay, Keith. I’m pretending it is perfectly normal for me to be hanging out with you. But it’s not. Too much has happened.”
I touched her arm, “I know, Cee.”
She pulled her arm away quickly and folded them across her chest. “No Keith, I don’t think you do. I’m sorry... I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be spending time with you. I have a husband. I have kids.”
“I know you do. But why can’t you spend a little time with me? We aren’t doing anything wrong. Why cant we just talk and catch up?”
She ran her fingers through her hair. “Because it hurts.” Her voice cracked.
I placed my hand on the small of her back and pointed to a bench. “Let’s sit a minute.”
“Fine.”
I placed my hand underneath her chin as soon as we sat down and turned her face towards mine. “Cecelia, you may or may not believe me but this isn’t easy for me either. I’m hurting too. It kills me knowing you belong to another man.” Bile rose in my throat as I pictured her and her husband together.
“See that’s what I don’t understand, Keith.” She shook her head. “You keep saying things, but clearly you don’t mean anything you say.”
“What?”
“Oh come on. Cut the crap. Actions speak much louder than words. You sit here and tell me it kills you.” She made air quotes with her fingers. “That I belong to another man. Where have you been all these years? If I mattered to you, if you wanted me, you could have found me. I was easy to find. For God’s sake, I never changed my cell phone number for all these years! I kept waiting for you to call me but you never did. Not once. You just let me walk out of your life.”
“That’s not exactly true,” I said softly.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CECELIA
It was a toss up on what I hated more—being lied to or being made a fool of. Unfortunately for me, I felt both simultaneously. “What’s not exactly true, Keith?” I glared at him. “Didn’t you let me walk out of your apartment without so much as uttering a word to stop me?”
Quietly he replied, “Yes.”
I spat, “Did you call me or come to see me in the days or weeks that followed?”
He took his sunglasses off. His eyes looked sad, “No, I didn’t.”
/>
I pointed to my chest, “So I was right. You let me just walk right out of your life without a backward glance, or a second thought.”
Keith placed his hand on my bare thigh and I swallowed hard, “That’s where you’re wrong, doll.”
I always loved when he called me doll, and by the way my body was reacting right now, clearly I still did. I took a huge gulp of water.
He continued, “You’re right. I didn’t run after you. I know now I should have. But back then I was so stubborn, I didn’t want to.”
“Well thank you,” I glared at him as I felt my face flush. “Please, don’t hold back.” I sighed. “Man, you sure know how to make a girl feel special.”
“It’s not what you think, Cee. I didn’t run after you because I didn’t care about you. Hell! It was the opposite. I cared too much about you. I didn’t chase after you because I felt you deserved more than I could give you. I knew nothing about relationships. Look at my past! I lost both of my parents by the time I was eleven years old. I grew up with the merry spinster and her seven cats, for God’s sake. The only emotions I understood were sadness and hurt. I built a wall so high around my heart. I was afraid to let you in. Somehow you got in anyway, and it scared the crap out of me. I didn’t have a clue what to do. I was afraid I was going to hurt you. I was afraid I couldn’t give you what you wanted or needed. And I was right. You never asked for much. All you ever wanted was to be part of my world. But did I let that happen? No. I kept putting my career first. You wanted me to tell you I loved you, but I choked on the words every time I thought about trying to say them.”
My voice was barely a whisper, “You wanted to say the words?”
“Yes. More than you can imagine, Cecelia,” he shook his head. “Try as I might, I just couldn’t get them out of my mouth. Hell, even little things you wanted I couldn’t do. Like spending time with my sister and her family. I never gave you the chance to get to know them because I was afraid.”
“What were you afraid of?” I put my hair in a ponytail. “It never made any sense to me why you never included me when you were with them. After we had babysat Jessie, and your sister cooked us dinner, I thought for sure you’d change your mind about all of us hanging out. But you never did.” I asked the question I had been wondering for years. “I thought she and I had hit it off, but maybe I was wrong. Did she not like me?”
He took a sip of water. “Jamie liked you all right. She liked you too much actually. She kept trying to convince me to ease up on my work and spend more time with you. She kept telling me I should ask you to move in with me, although I think she would have actually preferred I just popped the question and gave her nieces and nephews to dote on.”
I chuckled. Unable to make eye contact, “I wouldn’t have had an issue with that, counselor.”
“Yeah. I know,” he laughed. “The more she pushed the more I got scared. And the more scared I got the more foolish I became. Which is why I didn’t stop you from leaving my apartment.” He ran his fingers though his dark hair, “For the first few months, I worked even more than normal if you could believe it. I submerged myself in my cases so I didn’t have time to think of you. It worked for a little while, but thoughts of you kept haunting me. I struggled trying to convince myself you were better off without me.”
“I was a part of this equation too, you know. Why didn’t you stop to find out what I wanted?” A tear rolled down my face, “I wanted you too.”
He wiped away my tear with his thumb, “I’m sorry. I was too dumb to realize it. Fortunately, or unfortunately, my sister never gave up. She kept prodding me to call you. Eventually she got through my thick skull. I realized she was right and I knew I had to see you and talk to you.”
I was so confused, but I decided not to interrupt.
“It was almost a year after we broke up. It was a Saturday afternoon. I remember because I had spent the morning with Jamie and the girls. Jamie’s husband was working and Jessie had a ballet recital. I was unable to focus on my niece who no doubt was hamming it up on stage. All I was able to think about was you. As soon as Jessie took her final bow, I bailed. I didn’t give Jessie the flowers I brought her. Instead, I kept them and dashed over to your apartment. I figured you’d probably think they were cheesy, but still, I wanted to give them to you.”
“What are you talking about, Keith. You never came to see me.”
He didn’t answer right away. His eyes were focused on the ocean. Softly he said, “You’re wrong. I did. When I got there no one answered. I wasn’t really surprised. I don’t know why I expected anyone to be home, but I did. I decided to leave the flowers at the doorstep for you to find later with a note telling you I’d call you that night. As I was rummaging in my jacket for a piece of paper Meredith opened the door. She was shocked to see me.”
I swallowed hard in order to try and fight the nausea I felt. “I’ve no idea what you are talking about. Meri never told me you came by.”
“She didn’t?” He smiled ever so slightly. “I always wondered if she said anything to you. I actually asked her not to tell you I came.”
“Why on earth would you do that?” My voice screeched.
In a business like tone he replied, “Because she told me you were seeing someone else. Actually, the day I stopped by, she told me you went away for the weekend with him. I think she said you were in Philadelphia. I didn’t want my reappearance to complicate your new relationship.”
I jumped up from the bench. I banged my hand on the boardwalk railing a bit too hard. The throbbing in my fingers mirrored the throbbing in my chest. My heart beat so fast in my chest I feared it would explode. I turned and faced him. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”
He stared at me like a deer caught in headlights. Clearly he was waiting for me to speak. I couldn’t find any words. I sat back down and covered my face with my hands.
He rubbed my back, “Is your husband the guy you went to Philadelphia with?”
I snickered. “No. I didn’t meet Bryce until about five years ago. The guy I traveled with was someone I barely had a relationship with. I didn’t go to Philly with him. We worked together. We went there together for business. Yes, he and I hung out a few times before and after the trip, but we certainly never had a relationship. Meredith knew damn well I wasn’t interested in him.”
“Oh,” Keith muttered, “That’s not how she made it sound.”
“I can only imagine,” I hissed. “Clearly she was trying to make you jealous or something. Who the hell did she think she was? She had no right to interfere in my life! In your life! What’s wrong with her? She had no business keeping your visit a secret for twenty years.” I balled my hands into fists, “Ugh! I could kill her!”
“Calm down, Cee, please,” he squeezed my forearm.
“No. I can’t calm down,” I fought back tears. “She, of all people, knew how hard I took our breakup.” I paused and put my sunglasses on top of my head. “Keith, I cried day and night for months. My heart ached every day that we were apart. I missed you so badly. She knew I would have done anything to see you again.”
He ran his hand down the side of my face. “Then I have to ask you the same question you asked me, Cecelia. You sit her and tell me you missed me so much. When then didn’t you fight for us either? Why didn’t you ever try to get back together with me?”
The tears I tried so hard to hold onto escaped and rolled down my face like a river. “I don’t know.” I probably shouldn’t have done it but I couldn’t stop myself, I buried my face in his chest. It was easier to speak to him when I didn’t have to look at him. He put his arms around me and gently stroked the back of my head. “I was stupid and stubborn. I wanted you to want me. I wanted you to love me for… me.”
“I did.” he kissed the top of my head.
I pulled away and looked at him. “You know you’re not the only one walking around with emotional scars from their childhood. I’ve spent my entire life wondering what was wrong with me to cause m
y father to walk out of my life when I was so young. I hate feeling unlovable.”
Tears glistened in his eyes.
I looked down at my lap, “I didn’t call you because I was afraid if I went back to you and we started dating again I would always wonder if you truly cared about me or if you were spending time with me because I was convenient. I didn’t want to be easy. I wanted to be special.”
He lifted my chin and stared directly into my eyes, “Believe me, doll. You are special. You are ab-so-fucking-lutely unforgettable.”
It took all my willpower not to kiss him.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CECELIA
Sometimes I shocked myself with my self-control. I don’t know if it was strength, stupidity, or just sheer stubbornness. I managed not to make the phone call yesterday. I knew I was too upset. I was afraid that I would say things I would later regret. I assumed I would be calmer today, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. If anything, I was even angrier now than I was yesterday when I left the beach. I couldn’t stop wondering what my life would have been like if only, she didn’t meddle in my business. I knew I couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer. I had to get the call over with. I dialed the familiar number with speed. I wasn’t surprised when I got her voicemail. She probably was out of town, as usual. I forced myself to sound way more cheerful than I felt as I left the message. “Hey Meri, it’s me. Cecelia. Call me as soon as you can. It’s important. We really need to talk.” As I hung up the phone, I shook my head and muttered, “bitch.”
“Whoa. What happened? Did you guys get into a fight?” Anna asked from my office doorway the doorway.
“Oh, hi. I didn’t realize you were standing there,” I gave her a closed mouth smile. “We didn’t have a fight yet, but we sure are about to. She just doesn’t know it.” I gestured with my hand. “Come in and close the door. What are you doing here today? Shouldn’t you be working from home?”
Plan Cee (Secrets, Lies, and Second Chances Book 2) Page 10