Dear Dumb Diary #4: Never Do Anything, Ever
Page 5
a message like: “Look, it’s not my fault you were
photographed pantifying a yard in broad daylight
when a photographer walked past.”
She’s right. I guess it wasn’t her fault. Not
really. But it wasn’t exactly my fault, either. There
should be somebody to blame, right? I mean all the
time. There should be somebody and it’s just their
job to be blamed.
Saturday 28
Dear Dumb Diary,
I went with Isabella and her dad to get her
contacts fixed today. She told her dad that she had
saved all the money up and he said he was going to
buy them for her on her birthday, anyway.
They have a little collection box at the
optometrist’s office for a charity that really and
truly does help underprivileged kids get glasses. I
put 30 bucks in to make up for most of the money
that Isabella and I had collected for her made- up
charity.
I had to. Even though it doesn’t make up for
Isabella lying about it in the first place, I knew I did
the right thing.
Isabella got new contacts, but she said they
bothered her eyes even more than the old ones, and
by the time we got back to her house, she whispered
to me that she was going back to her glasses. It may
have had something to do with the pictures in the
optometrist’s office of gorgeous models wearing
glasses.
I had made 45 dollars off the garage sale,
but even after the eye doctor’s, I still had 15 bucks
left, so that was still pretty decent for a bunch of
old junk.
Until Mrs.Clawson called. She had seen the
picture in the paper also, and said if I was just
going to play with her underpants, then she wanted
them back. Since I had thrown them out, Mom
confiscated the remaining 15 bucks to buy her
new ones.
And worse, she made me go with her to buy
the replacements. I felt bad about Mrs. Clawson’s
ghastly giant bloomers, so I gave Mom an extra 10
dollars from my piggy bank to buy her some nicer
ones. I suggested a thong, but then my stomach
churned a little, so I suggested something flowery
instead. Pretty charitable, of me, huh? Maybe I do
have inner beauty after all.
When we got home, there was a big envelope
on the front porch addressed to me. It was from
Angeline. Inside was Big Ol’ Pudding Stain
Duck Shirt and a note, which said:
It looks like Angeline bought this grimy thing
at our garage sale and hid it from the other Walk -
A-Thonners, which, I have to admit, was pretty darn
charitable.
Which, now you have to admit, was pretty
charitable for me to admit.
Maybe we all have Inner Beauty.
Is that possible? Even the Pencil-Eaters and
the Mike Pinsettis and That Ugly kid Whose Name You
Can’t Remember? Even the Girls Who Fake Charities,
and the Underpants- Strewing Beagles and the Moms
Who Put Your Wretchedness On Display?
And even the Girls With Tons Of Outer Beauty?
Maybe they do. Maybe we all do. And
sometimes you think it needs a barrette or colored
contact lenses to really make it shine, but, like
a huge meat- loaf burp while you’re running laps,
Beauty usually just comes bubbling up when you
least expect it.
Thanks for listening, Dumb Diary.
Want to enhance your inner
beauty for real?
These organizations can always use help. Ask your
parents or teachers how to get involved with these
charities or others:
Give the Gift of Sight
american Red Cross
Doctors Without Borders
Make-A-Wish Foundation
Think you can handle another
Jamie Kelly diary? Then check out
Dear Dumb Diary,
My social studies teacher, Mr. VanDoy, never smiles.
I know that’s hard to believe, because everybody
smiles about something, right?
Isabella smiles when her brothers get in trouble.
Angeline smiles when she thinks about how much
prettier she is than, like, a waterfall or a unicorn. I
smile when I think about a unicorn kicking Angeline
over a waterfall. But Mr. VanDoy doesn’t smile at all.
I wonder if when you become an adult, you can lose
your sense of humor the way you lose your teeth or
hair or fashion sense.
www.scholastic.com/deardumbdiary
scholastic.com/deardumbdiary
deardumbdiary.walden.com
scholastic.com
Some guys just can’t win…
but Danny never stops trying !
About Jim Benton
Jim Benton is not a middle - school girl, but do
not hold that against him. He has managed to
make a living out of being funny, anyway.
He is the creator of many licensed properties,
some for big kids, some for little kids, and some
for grown-ups who, frankly, are probably behaving
like little kids.
You may already know his properties: It’s
Happy Bunny™ or Catwad™, and of course you
already know about Dear Dumb Diary.
He’s created a kids’ TV series, designed
clothing, and written books.
Jim Benton lives in Michigan with his spectac -
ular wife and kids. They do not have a dog, and
they especially do not have a vengeful beagle.
This is his first series for Scholastic.
Jamie Kelly has no idea that Jim Benton, or
you, or anybody is reading her diaries. So, please,
please, please don’t tell her.
Beauty is only skin deep, but hate
goes all the way to the bone.
Dear Dumb Diary,
Isabella said that she got the information about this
charity online and I could help her collect for it if I
wanted to, so as we made the rounds for the clothes,
we also picked up a few bucks here and there for the
Juvenile Optometry Federation.
Hooray! Now I have a charity to work for. In your face
Angeline—now I’m as gentle and sweet as you, you pig!!
Sneak a peek inside the diary of Jamie Kelly, who
promises that everything she writes is true . . .
or at least as true as it needs to be.
www.scholastic.com
Cover art by Jamie Kelly with
the help of Jim Benton
Cover design by Steve Scott
RL5 008 and up
Jim Benton’s Tales from Mackerel Middle School