The Big Five O

by Jane Wenham-Jones

  ‘Bollocks!’ Charlotte’s voice was scathing.

  ‘Well maybe. But whatever. She sounded very happy and she’s not–’

  ‘Where? Where is she?’ Charlotte heard the shrill note in her voice and hated him.

  ‘York.’

  ‘Oh.’ Charlotte exhaled. ‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’

  Roger sighed too. ‘Because I knew it would upset you and there was no point doing that. She’s miles away and I wouldn’t be interested if she was next door.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really.’ He pulled a face. ‘We’ve been through all this a million times. Yes, I was flattered and yes, I got a bit carried away, but it’s firmly in the past and I will never, ever, do anything like that again.’ Roger took her hand. ‘You do know that, don’t you?’

  Charlotte felt suddenly very tired and filled with emotion.

  ‘I suppose so.’

  ‘Love you.’ Roger was still holding her hand. As she wiped away a tear, he gave her a light, playful punch on the arm – an old gesture of affection that made her want to cry more. ‘Come on!’

  ‘I still feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.’

  ‘There is – what I’ve bought you for the rest of your birthday present. Can’t wait to see your face!’ He smiled at her.

  She gulped and finished her last mouthful of wine. Roger rose and put their empty glasses next to the sink. He looked back at Charlotte as he opened the dishwasher. He hesitated for a moment and then his voice was serious.

  ‘Char – are you OK? I’m worried about you.’

  Chapter 30

  ‘You look very worried’

  The nurse is older than me, with a tired, kind face. She is keen to know what sort of ‘support’ I have in place – probably because she can see I have been crying. After each stage of the pre-op assessment she attempts to be reassuring. My blood pressure is good and my pulse normal.

  She takes swabs from my nostrils and armpits, measures me and stands me on the scales. I have lost weight. Once this would have been a bonus – now I worry that it’s a sign that things are even worse than they think.

  ‘I expect you’ve been finding it hard to eat,’ says the nurse. ‘But you need to try. It’s important to keep your strength up.’

  I feel sick all the time – food feels alien in my mouth. The party talk we had about duck rillettes with beetroot cream, made my throat close up.

  Another nurse – the nice, specialist breast cancer one called Anita – is going to talk to me now about after-care. She has already given me leaflets to read about Macmillan nurses and the risks of lymphedema and what financial help might be available. I can’t bear to look at any of them. There are too many photos of women in headscarves.

  It will be OK, says the tired, kind nurse says at the end of her bit. ‘You’ll feel better when it’s done.’

  I can’t imagine ever feeling better again …

  Chapter 31

  ‘Got him!’

  Fay slapped her hand on the desk in angry triumph, before raising her head. Len was leaning in the doorway looking at her quizzically as she jabbed at her keyboard some more.

  ‘Is there a problem?’

  ‘Yes, Len, I think there is. And now you are here, you can help solve it.’ Fay gave him a tight smile. ‘Why was Matthew sent on his own to Dartford?’

  ‘Because there was no need for anyone else to go. We were dropping off fifty-eight boxes of books from storage – he could lift each one on his own – and we’re short on bodies.’

  ‘We’re going to be shorter still when we’ve got rid of him.’

  Len walked further into the room and stood in front of her desk. ‘And why would we want to do that?’

  ‘Because he’s taking us for a pair of fools. Nearly four hours to get back from this side of the tunnel? Is he having a laugh? Tried to tell me the traffic was slow. Does he think I was born yesterday? I’ve got his card here from the van. Do you know why he took that long?’

  ‘I have no idea,’ said Len calmly.

  ‘Well you should have – you’re his manager.’

  Len nodded. ‘But not a mind-reader.’

  ‘Get him in here.’

  ‘Talk to me about it first.’

  Fay jabbed a finger at her screen. ‘There was nothing wrong with the traffic at all – he spent over two hours parked up at the Medway services. It’s all here.’ She tapped at the glass with a red fingernail. ‘And he wasn’t even due a statutory bloody break!’

  ‘OK I’ll go and speak to him.’

  ‘He’s there!’ Fay sprang to her feet and crossed the room and poked her head into the room beyond. ‘Matthew!’

  The young man looked round from where he was taking stuff out of his locker and looked at her uneasily.

  ‘In here a minute, please.’

  Fay strode back to her desk and sat down again. The young man stood just inside the door, frowning.

  ‘I’ve just downloaded the data from your driver card.’ Fay told him. ‘Far from being stuck in traffic as you tried to tell me you were, the vehicle was actually completely stationery at Farthing Corner. What were you doing there for two hours? Eating your body weight in all-day breakfast? Meeting someone for a shag?’

  She heard Len’s disapproving intake of breath but she ploughed on.

  ‘Or perhaps it was the same as whatever you were doing when you and Will took all afternoon to drive sixty miles? Got another little job going on the side, have you? You told me heavy traffic that time too.’

  ‘It was heavy,’ Matt said hesitantly. ‘You can look at the card – we were moving slowly for miles.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I intend to. But you weren’t moving today, were you?’ Fay said with low menace. ‘So what were you doing at the services? Two hours is a bloody long slash-stop.’

  Matt looked uncomfortable and muttered something.

  ‘What? Say that again!’

  ‘I was asleep. I felt really tired, and my eyes were drooping and so–’

  ‘Asleep?’ Fay’s voice was scathing. ‘At three in the afternoon? Is that what I pay you for? I suppose you’re going to tell me the baby kept you awake. You’re not the first person to have a family you know, Matthew. If you can’t hack it–’

  ‘We’ll have a chat about the best way we can support you–’ Len cut across her diatribe and put a hand on the young man’s back and another on his shoulder, turning him and propelling him out of the room. ‘Come with me …’

  He looked back briefly at Fay. ‘I’ll deal with this now.’

  Fay stared, outraged, as Len went out and shut the door behind him.

  Fuming, she turned back to the screen, clicking away from the driver data and onto the page she’d had open before. She brought her hand down hard again, her palm crashing against the desk.

  ‘Fuck it!’ She pushed the keyboard away from her in a sharp, furious gesture. ‘You sperm-spraying bastard.’

  She was still seething when Len returned. ‘You undermined me!’

  Len crossed the room and lowered himself into the opposite chair with irritatingly measured movements. ‘I could say the same,’ he observed without rancour. ‘You tell me I’m his manager and then you wade in yourself.’

  ‘We’re not a bloody charity,’ she snapped.

  ‘No. We are a family-run business with – I trust, or I don’t want to be part of it – a caring and responsible attitude to our staff.’ Len looked at her steadily. ‘That little baby was in A&E at 4 a.m. this morning. Matthew is exhausted. He shouldn’t be driving at all. I’ve suggested he has tomorrow off and we see him here again on Monday and if necessary, he can do some office work for a day or two or be in the stores.’

  Fay started to speak but Len carried on over her.

  ‘He’s a good lad. He came to work after two hours sleep and he feels terrible. But actually he did the right thing. Did you want him to carry on and crash?’

  ‘I wanted him to tell me the truth!�
� said Fay angrily. ‘He should have said something earlier if he was that tired.’

  ‘Yes, because you’re so approachable.’

  Fay’s eyes narrowed. ‘I’m a good boss, you know I am.’

  ‘Usually yes.’ Len said. ‘But right now you’re being a cow!’

  Fay stared at Len in disbelief. ‘How fucking dare you!’

  ‘I dare because you know it’s true. The way you were being to him was bordering on bullying – you’ve been bloody unpleasant ever since he and Lisa had that baby …’

  Fay stood up. ‘That is not right!’

  ‘It is.’

  Fay glowered at him. ‘I asked him where he’d been,’ she said, furiously. ‘He should have come clean straightaway.’

  ‘Yes,’ agreed Len, unmoved. ‘I told him to do that next time.’

  ‘There’d better not be one.’ Fay said coldly, sitting down again and picking up her glass of water.

  ‘I also told him,’ continued Len, looking her in the eye, ‘that you were upset about something else, which is why you reacted like that, and that your bark is much worse than your bite. I said that by the time he and Lisa come to your party on Saturday, you will have forgotten all about it.’

  Fay glared at him. ‘I won’t and I am not upset!’

  ‘I know you are. But just because you’re hurting, you don’t take it out on everybody else.’

  Fay shifted in her chair. ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’

  Len looked back at her, still unruffled. ‘I know everything, Fay. And I know how hard it must be. I’ve not said anything before, because you’ve been grieving but it’s about time you moved on now. Time to walk back out into the sunshine, Kiddo.’ He smiled at her. She stared back stony-faced.

  Len said more gently: ‘I know you didn’t kick Dave out. He left you and I know why.’

  ‘How do you–’

  ‘I’ve always known. It’s a small town – people talk. He talked. Before they moved away.’ Len pulled a wry face. ‘Which was the only sensible thing he did do, because I’d have been very tempted to take him behind the bike sheds and give him a good pasting.’

  Fay felt shaky. ‘Well, it’s a long time ago now. I never think about him.’

  ‘And you’re lecturing Matthew about telling the truth?’

  ‘Fuck off, Len.’ She swung her chair away from him, got up and switched the coffee machine on.

  When she turned round, Len had positioned himself right in front of her and was looking into her face. ‘No, I won’t,’ he said. ‘I’m being your friend. I saw it in the history on your computer.’

  Fay jumped back from him as if she’d been burned. ‘You’ve been snooping on me?’ She was trembling in outrage.

  Len shook his head. ‘Not deliberately. I wasn’t prying – I was looking for a site I’d been on a week or so earlier. It had a remote-control car I want to buy for my grandson. I couldn’t remember the name of it but I knew it had been on your computer after I’d been doing the data downloads. But when I saw that on your history–’ he hesitated. ‘I did look at how many times you had visited that page …’

  Fay was flooded with rage and shame and sorrow. ‘How bloody dare you–’ she said again, stopping as her voice cracked. She jerked her head towards the door. ‘It’s time you went home.’

  Len put a hand on her arm. She shook him off.

  ‘Your dad didn’t think he was good enough for you.’

  Fay gave a snort of derision. ‘He didn’t think anyone was good enough for me. Only child – little princess – all that crap.’

  ‘He thought I was.’

  Fay snorted again. ‘Oh yeah?’ she said, her tone uninterested.

  Len was looking away from her, as if remembering. ‘Your dad asked me to look after you. He knew which way the wind was blowing. He’d had chest pains. Was going to go to the doctor when he had time, but you know him – always working. He said if anything happened–’

  ‘And you’ve been very helpful,’ Fay said stiffly. ‘But I’ll thank you not to–’

  ‘He knew I’d be there for you because he knew how I felt about you.’

  Fay stared at him, her heart suddenly banging. ‘You hardly knew me – I was teaching in Spain.’

  Len gave her a small smile. ‘You’d been home for Christmas – remember how we all went to the pub?’

  ‘Not really.’ Fay shook her head.

  ‘Well we did. Your Mum and Dad and Jim who used to work here. And I was glad you hadn’t brought the boyfriend with you that time because I was able to sit next to you. You were funny and beautiful and I wished so much that I was married to you instead …’

  ‘Loyal of you,’ she said tartly.

  Len gave a sad sigh. ‘Sal and I were too young. We were never well-suited. We get on better now than we ever did. The grandkids have bonded us together …’

  ‘Right well, you be getting off then.’ Fay sounded deliberately bored.

  ‘Fay–’ Len put a hand on her arm again. She let it stay but held herself rigidly away from him, her insides a tight knot. ‘Don’t let it eat you up,’ he said quietly. ‘It wasn’t meant to be but you’ve still got so much to feel good about. You can talk to me– let it out.’

  ‘There’s nothing to say.’

  ‘You need to stop looking.’ His voice was gentle. ‘Picking constantly at the wound – it’s not good for you.’

  ‘I know.’ All at once she felt exhausted and overwhelmed with sadness. ‘Don’t go on.’

  ‘Talk to me.’ Len put his arms around her and hugged her to him. ‘I’m here for you,’ he murmured, as she felt her control splintering. ‘And it’s OK to cry …’

  Chapter 32

  ‘What is she playing at?’ Charlotte looked around at the white-clothed tables dotted around the pavilion’s ballroom and gestured to the florist to put the elegant green and cream flower arrangements on the one closest to her.

  ‘I don’t know any more than you do.’ At the other end of the phone, Roz sounded as harassed as she did. ‘I had exactly the same text.’

  ‘I don’t understand it,’ Charlotte said. ‘It’s Saturday. She’d already got out of this bit – saying she had to see a client who was in Canterbury for the weekend. What could be so urgent that she can’t come at all?’

  ‘It doesn’t sound right, does it?’ Roz also sounded worried. ‘Geoffrey surely wouldn’t do that to her on her party night and what sort of ‘emergency’ for God’s sake? I’m going to see if I can get hold of him if she won’t answer the phone.’

  Charlotte turned the nearest floral display towards her and inspected it critically. ‘Fay’s gone AWOL too – I’ve called her twice.’

  Jesus, what was wrong with them? They’d been planning this bash for months and now the day had finally dawned, fifty percent of the party-givers had disappeared!

  ‘I’ve got to wait here for the balloon man,’ she told Roz, waving at Dan, the pavilion’s manager, and gesturing to the flowers. ‘Then I need to get back home because Laura’s turning up. See what you can find out.’

  Nate appeared as Roz was banging on Sherie’s door. He looked relieved to see her. ‘She went off in a taxi yesterday morning,’ he said, ‘and she wasn’t dressed up for work – you know how smart she always is and–’

  ‘And where did she say she was going?’ said Roz impatiently.

  Nate shook his head. ‘She didn’t. I don’t know what’s going on but she isn’t really talking to me any more.’ He stopped and looked at the ground. ‘I told her I liked her and she didn’t take it very well …’

  Roz frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I don’t know – it upset her. We seemed to be getting close and then–’

  ‘But didn’t she ask you to look after Marquis?’

  Nate shook his head again. ‘No, that’s what’s really weird. She didn’t. But I’ve still got her key so I went in last night to check him when I hadn’t seen her come back and there were no lights on but there was alrea
dy food there. So–’ he looked upset. ‘She’s asked someone else to do it.’

  Roz looked at him in confusion. ‘This doesn’t make sense. I managed to find a number online for her boss and I called him – I know he was invited to the party so I couldn’t understand why he’d make her work. He says she told him that her mother was ill and she couldn’t work for a couple of weeks …’

  Roz and Nate both stared at each other.

  ‘Do you think she’s had some sort of breakdown?’ Nate said tentatively. ‘Lately, she’s seemed … fragile …’

  ‘She’d have called me if it was that bad,’ said Roz, remembering uncomfortably that Sherie had called, but that she, Roz, had been half asleep and taken up with her own problems.

  ‘Look, let’s exchange numbers and then I’ll get back to Charlotte,’ she said decisively. ‘Charlotte has done work for Sherie’s sister. She must have her details …’

  ‘Please let me know.’ As Nate tapped Roz’s number into his phone, he looked and sounded desperately worried.

  ‘I will, I promise.’ Roz gave his hand a brief squeeze. ‘Text me so I’ve got yours. And if you see anyone coming in to feed Marquis, see what you can find out. And Nate,’ she called over her shoulder as she walked away. ‘For God’s sake make sure that cat’s all right.’

  Alison looked apprehensive when she saw Fay coming into the room, announced as ‘the storage lady’ by Oliver, who had flung open the front door of the family’s new home, crying ‘What do you want?’

  ‘I want,’ said Fay, good-humouredly, ‘to speak to your mum.’

  ‘She’s in a mood,’ confided Oliver as he led Fay down a hall filled with packing boxes.

  Fay could see why. Alison was surrounded by half-unpacked crates while children’s feet stampeded overhead and an old lady sat in the middle of it all, looking pained.

  ‘Pleased with the new house?’ Fay enquired, wincing as a piercing scream came from above.

  ‘I will be when it’s straight,’ said Alison wearily. ‘Your men were very good,’ she added. ‘I’ll try to get these boxes empty for you as soon as I can. We said Monday but …’