In a Moon Smile

by Coner, Sherri

  As they sat together at the café table, Becca studied her teacher’s facial features and mannerisms. He was a well-traveled man who told wonderfully vivid tales about hitchhiking through Europe. He was tall with the slight build of a marathon runner. His hair was a sandy brown, cut short and precise. A dab of light brown moustache accentuated his beautiful, full top lip.

  When she realized that she was attracted to her teacher, Becca was amazed. She daydreamed about his mouth against hers. Even with the gap of nearly twenty years between them, Becca already felt attached to him. She felt mature. She prided herself in keeping the attention of a man who was so well-versed and educated. She never minded the secrecy of their relationship, either. In fact, the secrecy made her feel special and daring. She enjoyed the privacy. If no one knew about their relationship, then it would be impossible for them to take it away.

  Then came the afternoon when Mr. Wildman suggested that Becca stop by his home instead of meeting at the crowded little café. She found the address easily, a plain brick ranch with a manicured yard. She passed the house twice before finally mustering the nerve to point her car toward Mr. Wildman’s driveway. When Becca knocked at the front door, Russ Wildman swung the door open with a sweet smile and playfully pulled her inside. “How nice to have company,” he grinned again. “My wife and children have gone to Wisconsin for a few days to visit my wife’s grandparents.”

  While she pretended to be calm and interested only in the fact that she now had an opportunity to experience a different dimension of her teacher, Russ Wildman led Becca into a large open room. With a skylight perched among the wood beams in the vaulted ceiling, the room was a designated space for living. It was messy with dusty end tables, books and little-boy toys. She scanned photos of his family while he cleared an area on the couch for them both to sit down.

  He seemed more animated here than he was when they met at the café. “So,” he smiled again as Becca sat down beside him on the rather worn green sofa. “Did you read more pages of Dante’s Inferno?”

  Becca didn’t want to discuss that book or any other books. She wasn’t interested in a lively debate about any of their usual topics of discussion. With her heart clanging around in her ears, she looked at her teacher and said, “Do you want to kiss me?”

  If he was stunned by her question, Russ Wildman certainly hid it well. In one motion, he gently pushed Becca back against the cushions. His weight was on top of her, warm and enveloping. His mouth was on hers, searching rather desperately it seemed, to know how to proceed. To be honest, Becca had a very limited sexual history. In fact, she had had sex only once before. And she guessed it didn’t exactly count as intercourse since the young man ejaculated on her thigh before he got her panties off.

  But here and now, in the arms of a real man, a man who celebrated her intelligence and never treated her like a child, Becca surrendered any questions or reservations or fears she might have had in the past. She felt ready to be a sexually active woman. And she wanted to cross that bridge with this man. She doubted that she was in love with Russ Wildman. But she respected him, trusted him and appreciated the passion of his mouth, which had now found a soft dip on her neck. When her teacher sat up, staring intently into her eyes, Becca refused to respond like a girl at sixteen. In so many ways, Becca had been an old lady for all of her life. She placed her hands on each side of her handsome teacher’s face and guided his mouth toward her breasts. It was an unspoken but powerful request for intimacy. It was the behavior her teacher might have expected from his wife, Darla, who worked as the children’s librarian at Hartridge Elementary School. He groaned and awkwardly began to unbutton Becca’s blouse.

  She smiled to herself, content with the fact that she had achieved a balance between the genders. She had a man who loved her mind but also lusted for her firm, athletic body. She had won. For however long the affair lasted, Becca patted herself on the back for such an accomplishment. She beat the system. She merged brain and body and declared victory.

  After the sexual experience on Russ Wildman’s living room sofa, their meetings moved to a rather nasty, rundown establishment called Gilson’s Motor Lodge. Becca feared she would walk out of the small, dark room with a yucky case of fleas or bedbugs or crabs, but she never voiced the concern. Russ had a family at home and a tight budget.

  One sticky early summer day, Becca muttered after class that she would like to see him that afternoon at their usual rendezvous spot. He raised his eyebrows to communicate that it was Tuesday, not their usual meeting time. When a couple of students walked into class early, Becca straightened her back and smiled innocently. “Thanks very much for your help, Mr. Wildman.” She turned to walk away, knowing that his eyes were on her ass. She also knew he would be there. He was her puppy, playing by her rules. And Becca enjoyed that part immensely.

  Shortly after the school day ended, Becca checked into the motel room, brushed her hair and sat on the edge of the stained chenille bedspread. Always before, she’d arrive early, strip down to a thong and a lacy bra or sometimes a teddy. When Mr. Wildman walked into the room, he’d pounce on her like a hungry panther, making Becca laugh and lose herself in passion she had never known before.

  After two hours of sex and talk, Russ would sit up and swing his legs over the side of the bed. Slowly, he’d button his oxford shirt, reach for his boxers and zip khaki pants, step into shiny loafers and go home to his real life. With Darla, he shared two little boys, Sam and Spencer, and a golden retriever named Max. Minutes after her teacher left, Becca would dress quickly and return to her life; finishing some homework, starting dinner and talking on the phone with friends.

  A few months ago, her brothers moved out which left Becca alone to watch her father drink himself into a stupor in front of the TV. She hated the house after her mother died. Any type of happiness died along with her mom that day. It seemed to Becca that the sun stopped shining through the windows. Her mother’s house plants died. Even the stray alley cats stopped visiting the back door. They somehow knew that Lydia wasn’t there anymore, to sneak them some scraps from dinner. Becca cherished every single moment she could avoid being at home. Meeting Mr. Wildman at the motel was like a mini-vacation. She used that time with him as an escape from reality. As soon as she graduated from high school, Becca knew she would immediately leave this hell. She carefully planned for that day.

  “I’ve missed you,” Russ smiled when he entered the motel room and found Becca resting on the bed. He walked over and ran his fingertips through Becca’s hair. “Let’s get those clothes off, shall we?” he whispered in a low voice.

  “Wait,” Becca giggled as she pushed his eager hands away. “I wanted to tell you something.”

  As he sat down beside his very own little Lolita, Russ Wildman could not hide the worry on his face. Maybe someone in the community had seen them. But he and Becca were both overly cautious. Well, anything could happen. A few times, Russ thought about the grave consequences of his actions. He knew every single traumatic outcome. He could lose his career. He could possibly be charged with statutory rape. He might lose his family and become another divorced guy who played dad a couple of times a month. Yes, he knew all the different ways he could be destroyed, but none of it was dangerous enough or frightening enough to make Russ turn and walk away. Becca was an amazing young woman; with those huge, serious eyes, Becca had youthful energy but it was trapped, somehow, by a deep sadness.

  As he sat there, waiting for Becca to explain why she requested a meeting, Russ noted that the dingy little room did not feel sexually charged like usual. He looked around the room, which smelled of stale cigarettes, then turned his attention back to Becca. Her long slender fingers were knotted on her lap. Her hair was gathered in a loose scarf over her left shoulder. But her expression gave no indication of trouble, instead of stressing about what Becca might say, Russ found himself aroused. This lovely young woman drove him crazy. He swallowed hard as desire tightened his chest. Russ knew the scent of that sweet
curve of her hip and the lovely softness behind her ears. From Becca’s breasts to her naval, he gave soft kisses that always made her shiver. He knew that, unlike Darla, Becca thoroughly enjoyed their sexual jaunts. She was trusting and open minded. She was practically insatiable. So much so that when Russ left these motel meetings, his legs were wobbly and he was exhausted.

  After they said good-bye each week, he drove slowly and used the twenty minutes to decompress and regroup. By the time Russ reached the family driveway, he was back to the daily grind. He was back to playing husband and father, bored and strangled to death by routine. The boys flew out the front door to greet him. His wife offered a slight smile as they passed each other in the hallway. Before he placed the car keys on the little hook by the back door, Russ Wildman successfully tucked Becca away in that secret place of want.

  Becca was a beautiful diversion from the rest of his life. When he was with her, Russ didn’t obsess about whether his class assignment plans were current. He didn’t give a damn how much more weight Darla packed on. He wasn’t thinking about the bald spot on the back of his head and never kept track anymore of all the times Darla said she had a headache. Screw her, anyway. Russ had a beautiful Lolita now. And she was not only smart and beautiful, she also happened to adore his dick. He didn’t care anymore about being rejected. Darla’s vagina could fall off, for all Russ cared. He only wanted to dream about Becca. She saved his life in so many ways, just by being so tender and simple and kind to him. Russ protected Becca’s existence in his life like she was a precious, rare discovery. In every way, that was truly how he felt about her. So he built a safe cocoon around their time together.

  But now what did Becca want to say? This was a Tuesday, after all, a rarely scheduled time to meet.

  “I don’t supposed there is another way to talk about this…” Becca’s voice was soft but controlled.

  Russ was nervous. If she was dumping him, oh my God, what would he do? How could he survive his dismal life without the love of this sweet flower?

  “I am pregnant,” Becca said flatly. There was no room for hysteria. None. She would survive this, just as she survived every other shitty something in her life. After all, she might be young but she knew a lot about loss, disappointment and inner strength. She refused to melt down and freak out. She guessed Mr. Wildman might be bracing for drama but there would be none.

  Once the news reached Russ’ ears, it traveled quickly to his chest. It whirled around like a tornado. Pregnant teenager. Teacher impregnates student. Perspiration beaded on his face. The frayed collar of his shirt felt like it was strangling him. Mental images of his little boys filled a couple of moments. What did he feel? Horrified? Shocked? He could not speak. Becca placed her hand on top of his and smiled.

  “Please don’t worry,’ she said confidently. “I will be fine.”

  “I just need some time…” Russ’ head was swimming. He felt nauseous and shaky. “I will need to secure an attorney. Then I will think about finding a place for us to live.”

  “What?’ Becca was staring at him like he was some kind of alien. “What are you talking about? Attorney? Why do you need an attorney? What are you trying to say?”

  “I’m trying to think about our next steps, Lovie,” Russ stood and began to pace the cheap motel carpet. In areas by the bed, it was dotted with cigarette burns. Why had he never noticed what a seedy place this was? For God’s sake, he could easily contract crabs here, take a bad case of lice home to Darla and the boys. What was he thinking? “I’m trying to consider the options,” he said slowly, trying to find some composure. It won’t be possible to buy a home for us until I file for divorce and free myself financially from Darla.”

  “I don’t plan to stay pregnant,” Becca said. “I also don’t want to be the reason you leave your wife and children. I only told you about the pregnancy because, well, I guess I thought it might be an ethical obligation on my part to let you know.”

  He stared at her, wondering where her childhood went and if he too was part of whatever made this lovely young woman think with the mind of someone twice her age.

  “But we love each other,” His comment landed on Becca’s ears like a childish whine. The way he stood there, emotionally crumbling like a toddler struck Becca as very unattractive. She looked away, praying that Russ would wipe his snotty nose and stop acting like a baby. “We belong together, Becca.”

  “No, we don’t belong together,” Becca said simply. She stood and smoothed the front of her favorite tank top. “We have become great friends. I’ve enjoyed your company. But you are a married teacher and a father. I have a seventeenth birthday soon. I plan to go to college. I don’t want to be married to you or anyone else. I don’t want a baby right now, either. I hope you understand, Russ, I don’t want anything from you.”

  When she saw the color drain from her teacher’s face, Becca quickly added, “Please don’t be upset or hurt. And please don’t think you owe me anything. You are not obligated in any way.”

  “So you’re choosing abortion,” Russ said thoughtfully. “I understand that, given your age and academic goals. Of course, I will be financially responsible for the procedure.” His voice was encased in an icy tone and he forced Becca to make eye contact. “If you are sure that you want an abortion, then we will proceed with that plan.”

  “I am very sure about my decision,” Becca nodded. “I appreciate your offer to pay. Otherwise I would have to tell my dad so I could borrow the money.”

  “Don’t worry at all about that,’ Russ said. “I will pay for it.” In his mind, Russ quickly ran through the options of finding money for this in his family’s very tight budget. He would have to withdraw the money from the damn Christmas Club account. Oh damn, he was a piece of shit.

  “Would it be possible to give me a ride to the clinic?” Becca asked nervously. “I hate to ask you but I don’t want my friends or anyone in my family to know.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Russ said in a low voice. “I’ll try to find someone to help you, but I don’t think it should be me. I mean, what if someone saw me there with you, Becca? Did you ever think about that?”

  Stung but also infuriated, Becca kept her cool. “You’re right. I definitely should have thought more about what you have to lose instead of only considering myself.” In that moment, Becca saw Russ Wildman in the same light as her father and so many other men. When pressed, he exhibited that same, unspoken expectation; that his needs were more important than hers, that he mattered a hell of a lot more than she did. And so Becca said nothing more.

  Two days later, she met Russ at the café and quickly shoved the stack of dollar bills in her purse. When he suggested meeting the next afternoon at the motel, Becca made a flimsy excuse for why she couldn’t be there. She hadn’t told him yet, especially because she needed the money for the abortion. But very soon, she would let the good teacher know that she was disgusted by him.

  On Friday morning of the following week, Becca skipped American Literature to instead end the pregnancy at the women’s clinic. Her cousin Sheila provided transportation and well-intended, but nervous words of encouragement. Becca made up a story about a guy who got her pregnant then moved away. She sighed happily when Sheila seemed to buy the explanation. When her name was called, Becca mentally covered herself with armor. She would go through the procedure and she would return to her old life. She would even put effort into trying to be a happy- go-lucky teenager.

  To ease the cramping, she stayed in bed all weekend with a heating pad. She told her dad that she had a stomach virus. When she entered calculus class the following Monday and glanced at her teacher, Becca knew the relationship with Russ Wildman was over.

  Her heart had not recovered. Last week when Russ thought only of himself, she had begun to hate him. Yep, she would be dumping him. She didn’t love him anyway. She needed to give some thought to the best way to end it.

  From Monday to Thursday, Russ left countless messages. Becca hop
ed he would get the hint and stop calling, but he didn’t seem to pay attention at all to the fact that she had not returned a single call. He continued to leave those sappy messages that made her eyes roll around with disgust. He was looking desperate and psycho weird about the possible ending of their time together.

  After avoiding Russ’ calls and emails for nearly a month, Becca finally agreed to meet him. Obviously, Russ was not willing to walk away without some kind of damn showdown, so fine. She would show up, say what had to be said and close the book on this ugly chapter. He insisted on meeting at the motel so Becca knew he expected sex. But that certainly was not in her plan. She wanted to get this over with, just stop the drama and keep moving.

  She predicted that Russ would smile happily when they were face to face. He would expect her to simply wipe away the fact that he got a student pregnant, then paid for the student’s abortion but refused to be a man and drive her to the clinic himself. She didn’t expect Russ to inquire about her feelings regarding the abortion, either. Becca knew he would not ask if she was angry with him for dumping her to deal with the abortion alone. He would not ask about her fears or worries. After all, if Russ asked about her feelings, it would greatly reduce his secret sex time. He was just another self-absorbed male. She was disappointed but not exactly hurt. She never viewed their relationship as anything long term.

  But Becca had a couple of regrets. First, that she had expected more heart from Russ but he failed her, and second, that until now, Becca never felt the tiniest bit guilty about screwing Darla Wildman’s husband. She never thought of them as a couple. She never considered the pain she would inflict on Darla if the affair was exposed. But now Becca did care. She experienced a raw, shaming kind of guilt that stuck in her throat and stayed on her mind.

  She loathed what she had done. She vowed to end the relationship and never repeat this kind of behavior again, not with Russ or with the husband of any other woman. As she parked her car, Becca considered what she wanted to say. Their interaction would be kind but candid and to the point. Then she would leave the motel, drive to the mall and walk around until she felt strong enough to go home, looking normal.