#52 TAKE AWAY THE WORDS
A few streets further down, she allowed herself to limp. It was much easier and didn't require so much strength. She was very tired and didn't know what to do. Only one thought keep going around in her mind: “You will manage it, you’ll get home. You will manage it, and you will get home. You will manage it…” Focussing on this task and bringing all her attention to this one thought made her forget about the physical pain and limits for the moment. When she finally saw her street, she was relieved. Usually, she needed just a couple of minutes from this end of the street up to the door. Today it took her half an hour or even longer. She was slower than a snail. The easiest distance was to reach the staircase. Then it became harder. She had to manage six times ten steps. With every step she took, it became harder to climb on. She rested after every step she made and counted the seconds, passing by. One, two, three, she raised her leg onto the next stair. One, two, three, she changed the balance of her body and one, two, three: she pulled the other foot up.
Finally, she stood in front of her door. She opened it and crept into the apartment. She noticed cameras and she still didn't feel very comfortable with them. She entered the flat and didn't turn on the light. It was dark in the corridor. She already knew every millimetre of this apartment. Mia sat slowly down on the floor and she closed the door by a movement of her arm. She was breathing quite quickly and she tried to relax. Her heart was beating fast, too. She started to hold the air in her lungs. One, two, three, breathe in; one, two, three, breathe out. This, she repeated as long as she needed to calm down.
Now Mia was able to start to think and her thoughts were like dogs you held on line and then let them lose to go after a cat. They overwhelmed her. She was sure there was no place to rest as long as she needed. She started to visit Sebastian, because he never asked any questions. In addition, he was nice and she could enjoy a dinner with him. Sebastian understood her because he was an orphan, too. During the time she spent with him, her body and mind could rest. She could hold back her thoughts and step aside. Nevertheless, she didn't want to make use of this opportunity too often. She always made sure nobody followed her and would only drop in if she were sure about this. Otherwise, with the faintest doubt, she cancelled her plans and went back to her apartment.
She stood up step-by-step leaning herself on the wall. She went into the kitchen and looked into the fridge. There was always something to eat. Jonas cared about providing her food: not enough to be replete, but enough to survive. There was milk, some bread and some cheese. There were no fruits or vegetables. When she bought food with her own money secretly, she never took it with her into this apartment. If it was possible, she wouldn't take anything from “his” food.
She drank some warm milk and when she gathered enough strength, she went into the bathroom. It was the only room without cameras. She took her clothes off and watched her body carefully in the long mirror on the wall. Then she changed her clothes and sat down on the floor, covering herself in a blanket. She was too tired for thinking and she fell asleep in a very uncomfortable position, but she felt better here than in any other room of this apartment.
Lovefool (Introduction) Page 53