#52 LIVE AND LEARN
Julian had been observing her for days. After he lost her, he saw joy and happiness in Sebastian’s thoughts because she dropped in. From this day on, he started to watch her. He mostly sat in his home with his eyes closed and followed Sebastian's thoughts. It was forbidden for him to start a relationship with a human being. It was an unwritten law that should protect him from suffering when he would lose her some years later, which would be so different for him and for her. All of her life would be just a short episode of his life. In addition, he would suffer an eternity without her. That’s why he tried to avoid face-to-face meetings and stayed home.
It wasn't possible for him to become human as it wasn't possible for her to become one of his kind. She couldn't be who he was. It was impossible. Love should be a substance, not some sentimental, ephemeral emotion. It should have power to create, sustain and make everything possible. Even if “everything” should mean creating miracles, and even if any chance for success should not be real. She could die and he could not. This condition, this statement stood like a wall between them. Julian suffered already because of the thought that she might die someday, that she will go away when her time had come and leave him behind.
Indeed, it was impossible not to love her, and it was impossible to be happy with her forever. Was it possible to be happy with Mia as long as she lived? Love should be unconditional, break all borders, and free you. Julian felt like in a trap. He wasn't ready and she not allowed to share his secret with her, although he was already stuck with her forever. Would she agree to stay with him until she would die? Would she appreciate every day and everything the future would bring, including her growing old and his continuous youth at her side?
Julian hoped that a greater power than him and his family existed somewhere. When people could believe in angels, then he had the right to believe in angels, too. Maybe some power could make things achievable.
With these feelings, he was observing Mia through the memories and thoughts of Sebastian. There was quite an irregularity in Mia's visits calendar. In addition, Julian could see her better in his friend’s mind. She wasn't so blunt anymore. He could see her hands, her hair, her face, her movements, and her mimic. It made his days brighter.
Mia seemed to feel better than the last time he saw her personally. During her first visit at Sebastian's, she was even in a good mood. She smiled sometimes and Julian wasn't surprised that he was so happy about it. Her every smile, even the smallest and the shyest one, was already a reward of a day.
During her second visit, she read a part of a French text she should translate aloud. It was wonderful how her voice spread through the room. Julian heard it as if he sat in the room next to Sebastian. These were Sebastian’s thoughts, impressions and perception and therefore the view was definitely influenced by Sebastian’s personal opinions and feelings.
Mia read without accent, fluently, vividly and it was possible to imagine what she was reading about. Julian felt almost like he would go back in time and see the prisoners of the Bastille in their cells. Each time he saw her coming into Sebastian’s thoughts, Julian stopped whatever he was doing and sat down in his chair. Lingering in the room where she stayed over a night gave him a special feeling of being connected to her. It was strange for him to participate in Sebastian’s feelings about Mia. It made Julian jealous. He would have preferred to be there, at her side, while listening to her voice, looking at her through his own eyes, seeing her eyes and her smile directly.
Julian enjoyed hearing her voice for such a long time. It was unusual for her to say more than two sentences. It was like a little miracle. She was passionate about what she was reading. Her cheeks got some colour and her eyes were sparkling. Sebastian was surprised as well and observed her very carefully. Julian had to admit that his best friend was passionate about her as well.
His years used to fly by like minutes and now he learned to appreciate every second and every real minute, all thanks to her. For her, Julian started to be grateful for living every moment. How is it possible to be changed by one person? He already met so many different people, saw so many different situations; he was a witness of time, crimes and joys. Still, nothing has changed him as much as this one special human being that he was scared to meet now. It was much harder to concentrate and control his power in her presence. His self-control was a key to living between people. He was so powerful that he could easily cause pain and destruction. He had to learn to control his skills. One false action, one wrong movement, and he could destroy everything that was precious to him and that he was supposed to protect. This was his second scary thought: he could hurt her so easily and therefore he needed to stay away from her. He had to protect her from himself, even if he should suffer. His pain wasn't essential. The most important thing for him was to keep her safe.
Julian twitched. He forgot himself and went back into the mind of Sebastian: Sebastian suggested eating something, because it was already 8 o’clock and Mia agreed. They went into the kitchen, she sat on a chair, and she almost didn't move. She was pleased to eat a meal with Sebastian. She opened up to him more every time they met. Sebastian noticed it very well, and Julian perceived it even more. Julian was able to jump the track and see everything as often as he wanted. That is what he did it, when he was alone. Every now and then, he came back to the memory of Sebastian when it was Sebastian's turn to talk during the evening. His stories were not so interesting for Julian, so instead he concentrated on Mia’s face, which Sebastian was looking at every now and then. He could have done that more often, Julian thought. For him, Sebastian could continuously look at her and follow her eyes.
Julian saw the situation like you would watch a movie. Sometimes the movie was very messy and sometimes it was more like a slide show than a movie. When Sebastian focussed on Mia, Julian saw a picture of her, with all details, that were interesting for him. The he looked at her face, into her eyes and at the corner of her mouth that was ready to smile. Sebastian talked about other friends and explained how his day was. There was a story about his last lecture and questions, which a professor was asking. It was civil law and it was about your right to act as you want and which limits there were to your behaviour. It wasn't so interesting for Julian, but Mia was listening very carefully, even with interest. She always made an impression of taking information in like a sponge. She didn't just listen; she took it in with her whole body.
During her third visit, Mia read another part of text she left last time. Sebastian asked her to read on. It was about the downfall of Robespierre. It was quite an old work paper, as the language used, showed the old style of its author. The fighting city was described very carefully and the division of Robespierre was more metaphorical. She read it with passion and when she came to the paragraph when Robespierre should be punished, she took a short break to make this picture more impressive. When Sebastian thought it was over, he said:
-So, the French Revolution is definitely your passion.
Julian could just agree.
She was confused and looked at him as if she just woke up and didn't know where she was. She had to come back to reality, remembering that this wasn't Paris and the revolution was over for ages. Not until then she answered him:
-I like history and the French Revolution was quite important. Years of feudal oppression and fiscal mismanagement contributed to a French society that was ripe for revolt. And a revolt always lives its own life. I like to learn about people who fight for their ideas. Most of the times, it doesn't end luckily for them, but our ancestors’ fight is always causing something great.
Julian tried to figure out what she could mean by that. It wasn't just a sentence. There was a hidden meaning, a hidden passion. Mia was a fighter as well. She was in at least one fight and she wasn't proud about it. Julian had seen the outcome of this fight and worried about it.
Then Julian saw another picture of her: she had fire in her eyes. She was passionate. She explained Sebastian what she was rea
ding and he mumbled just “Hmmm” as an answer and concentrated on her emotion this time. She said something like “Downfall of Robespierre”, then he didn't get what followed until he heard "Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite", because these words sounded very impressive as she pronounced them. This was her message; this was what she fought for: freedom, equality and brotherhood.
Sometimes it was so stupid for Julian that Sebastian was in love with her, because Sebastian didn't get everything from her moves, words and emotions. Sebastian couldn't make time pass slower and observe every detail of a situation and when he was overwhelmed by his own emotions, he had just some pictures in his mind and no “movies”. It was quite frustrating for Julian who wanted to get every possible aspect of her.
Time passed by and it was Mia's sixth visit at Sebastian's. This time she looked differently. Sebastian was too emotional inside to notice it. She didn't look good. She looked bad, even though she wore good make-up and tried to smile. Her eyes were very tired. Her way of sitting, walking and moving revealed that she had a problem. She endeavoured to act normally. Sebastian didn't notice it. He wore his pink glasses, but Julian saw more details. He slowed down the time and looked more carefully at her face. Julian knew that she wasn't OK and he had to do something. He had already rescued her once, and now it was time to save her once again.
Every part of his body felt the fury for the stranger who did this to her. Julian remembered her cut wound. Each time he remembered Mia sitting on the bathtub and contemplating how to solve her problem, he felt an increasing rage. Because due to all his emotions for her it was hard to control himself. Until now, Julian liked different people, or he didn't like them. However, compared to what he felt for Mia, every previous feeling was just a shadow of an emotion. The temperature of his feelings for her was like boiling water, emotions towards other people were maybe lukewarm. Although he saw many people suffer, Julian didn't feel much compared to when he was looking at Mia.
It was like flogging a dead horse for Julian. He already noticed too many signs and he was afraid of her. He spontaneously decided to check it in person. He got out from his house and ran as fast as he could. The evening was quite warm. It was already end of April and everything was green. He didn't see it, because he was too fast. Of course, he could see every little detail, but there was no time to perceive it. He was concentrated on the road. He almost flew and caused a nice breeze. Even though he wasn't invisible now, people couldn't see him. He was really too fast for a human eye and that’s why he forgot to change his form. He overtook cars on the way to Warsaw and manoeuvred between them. When he arrived into the city, he stopped for a while. He stood and looked into Sebastian’s thoughts.
Sebastian was talking with her and she asked him to call her Mia. Then they exchanged some words about him and Julian was surprised to hear her saying:
-I have rather an impression that he’s here all the time. I just can’t lose this feeling.
Julian looked back in the fresh memory of Sebastian and his assumption was confirmed. She was talking about him. She felt his presence although Julian wasn't there. He was thinking about her and she should not perceive it so much. Sebastian didn't understand it. He looked at her and actually heard only the name of his best friend. He thought: “How come she is talking about Julian right now? Is there something more than they want to admit?” It didn't make sense to Sebastian and so he didn't react to it. Then Mia changed the subject so naturally that Sebastian thought: “Sebastian, you’re so not a hero, you’re such a loser! You won't be talked into it!”
Julian didn't wait long and started to run. It was quite hard to look on the road when there were so many cars and he was concentrated not to leave a sign of his presence here. It wouldn't do any harm to him, but it could to a car. He had caused accidents a couple of times already and then he had to stay in the field to look after people involved. It was very frustrating and irresponsible. That is why he cared so much about his every move.
Finally, he arrived at the end of Sebastian’s street and noticed she was already leaving Sebastian’s apartment. He made two big steps and he was now standing behind some parked cars in front of Sebastian’s house.
In the same moment, Mia came out. She saw him standing there from the very first moment. She didn't seem to be very surprised. He noticed he wasn't invisible and was angry at himself. Now it was too late for any change.
She looked terribly. She was tired and she was limping a little although she managed to hide it quite well. She was deadbeat and her eyes were exhausted. His emotions were so divided like never before up to now. Julian knew he should not see her now and she should not see him. It was irresponsible of him and he should avoid every contact, which could bring him only pain and suffering for centuries. No, it wasn't the right motive. She was the reason. Julian should stay invisible at her side, if he decided to follow her. Mia should not be involved in his strange life.
It wasn't good for him to have her as his weakness. It wasn't good for her having him at her side. He was upset, disappointed and didn't know what to do. She noticed he wasn't coming towards her and she apparently wasn't sure what to do as well. Then she turned around. Mia simply turned around. He was shocked. He didn't expect her to make such a quick decision. She started to walk slowly down the street and tried to hide her weakness.
Where was she going to? Why was she still limping? Why was she not happy to see him?
He didn't change into the invisible form, because it would be too suspicious, if she would suddenly look back and he wouldn't be there.
Julian stood there as a tree planted years ago and tried to figure out what to do. He wanted to follow her, but there was a specific border inside of him. He wasn't allowed to. He and his family had agreed to some rules and these have not been broken for centuries. He would be the first to do it. This internal split into two hurt him much. Somehow, it was too much for him. Therefore, he just stood there observing her, while Mia was walking away. She became smaller and smaller and he was more and more torn inside. He was going crazy and it wasn't good. He wished the time would pass faster. He wished to be 50 years in the future from now on. The he would look back and see what happened. He felt like a prisoner of the time. As long as she existed, he knew he wouldn't find his peace of mind. She was fascinating, she was like fire when you are cold for days and you freeze, she was like water, when you are dusty after miles of walking through a desert, she was like the air you breathe. Although he never needed any of these, he knew, she was the one and for that reason, it was so hard to let her go.
Moreover, she didn't look back. That hurt him the most.
Lovefool (Introduction) Page 54