#64 ALL THE GOOD THINGS (COME TO AN END)
This day was long, for them both. They didn't talk to each other and they didn't look at each other. Mia was lying in bed all day and he brought her meals, one after this conversation, and another at 12 o’clock, then two more meals, which he had prepared for her. They still didn't exchange a word. Mia tried not to look at Julian and he tried not to look at her. It was very hard and strange.
Mia tried not to think about the days when she will be left alone. She was completely confused. She tried to think of things she used to think about when she was alone. It was hard, because every movement of Julian was contracting her attention and she felt the need to look at him. He didn't give her many occasions to torture her in this invisible way.
She wondered what he meant by saying she should stay here until she’d be better. How long was this? Who would decide about it? Mia was already feeling better right now. She wanted to leave now, as long as she was strong enough to say it to him. She didn't want to be put away by him like a toy, which wasn't fun anymore. She was afraid that the longer she stayed here the harder it was going to be to leave this house and to leave him.
She tried not to look at him when he brought the meals. This was her personal torture. Her heart started to beat faster and furious and her eyes were automatically drawn to his face when she heard him coming and when he appeared at the door. She didn't want to take her eyes off him, but her mind kept telling her to behave with dignity and she forced herself to look in another direction.
This was the hardest part of it: to behave as if she wouldn't care about him. “Whatever!” her mind screamed all the time, paralysing her. However, he kept quiet anyway. He didn't look at her, either. Apparently, it was time to leave.
Then Mia thought: “Will he let me stay until tomorrow? Will he take me home tomorrow? Just tell him right now that you want to go home!” and then her heart was hoping and whispering: “Don’t say it now, wait. You have to rest. He said, you should rest and he cares about you. He will not take you home now, because it is already afternoon and it is unlikely that he would leave you alone for a night. Sleep and rest, don’t bother. Everything will be OK.”
Then her mind housed her hope of heart and commanded: “Hush! Hush up! You should do something before he does. It is easier to leave someone behind than to be left. He will leave you and you should not follow any wrong hopes taking you in the wrong direction. Focus, girl, focus!”
She wasn't able to eat everything up, because she was too confused. Furthermore, she felt so bad about this situation. She was able to take things off her mind successfully up to now, but this time it was impossible. She remembered every movement of his and every single word. She heard all his sentences in her head again and watched her memories of him again and again. Besides, she was tired and so bubbled all the time that she couldn't focus on anything else.
It didn't seem strange to her that he wasn't human, but she was puzzled that he turned her down. She wasn't afraid of what he was; it didn't matter – strangely enough. She opened up to him and she didn't expect he would tell her everything. She didn't expect he would push her off, either. She had never thought about the future before, and she had never cared about it. She was going to school and she was supposed to study, to work and to die just as if she was living right now: alone and scared. On a trip to nowhere.
For a moment now she had thought, it could be different. She had felt like her life would make sense and there was suddenly a meaning. Now everything has fallen apart again. Her soul was apart. The dainty hope was broken like a mirror and its parts hurt her internally. Her heart was bleeding in love.
And Julian wasn't saying a word.
Lovefool (Introduction) Page 66