by Alyse, Jade
“Away,” she said.
“Were you now?”
She nodded slowly.
“Well, that’s disappointing. What do you think your mama would say? And your grandma? Hmm, cielito?”
She bounced her shoulders. “I don’t know.”
“And who’s going to help us eat that chocolate cake your auntie is baking just for you? Who’s going to open all of your presents?”
She bounced her shoulders again.
“Why would you do that to your papa, Natalie?”
He called her by her real name when he’d really been hurt.
Suddenly she cried and lunged out to him. He picked her up, and she rested her head on his shoulder blade.
He always smelled so warm, so good, so familiar. Her papa. The only man she’d ever loved.
“I’m sorry, papa,” she cried. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He chuckled. She could feel the vibration rattle her little body to life. “Good, mi cielito. Don’t ever leave me. You are the reason I wake up every morning. Most girls aren’t as brave as you, little one. But save that bravery until you really need it. Until you’re really tested.”
“When...?”
He pressed his lips into her forehead. “You’ll know when, I promise you. Your day will come. But for now, we won’t tell your mama that you tried to run away. It’ll stay between us, okay?”
She remembered smiling.
SCOTTY AND NATALIE, DESPERATE TO GET AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER, FOUND BRANDON AND ASHA on the second floor piazza, peering out over a sea of mist-laden pine trees. They weren’t really speaking to one another, but gazing idly, shuffling every once in awhile to allow for a tourist family to snap a picture.
Natalie approached her husband from behind and wrapped her arms around his waist. He chuckled, placing his eager hands atop hers. Asha pushed away from the stone railing and stood by Scotty. She didn’t touch him.
“I was just telling Ash that I was going to have to get something sharp out of my car if you didn’t turn up soon,” her husband teased. Natalie pressed her lips into his back.
“I’m here now,” she said. “Sorry, we were on a ghost hunt. Isn’t that right, Scott?”
“Yea, pretty scary shit going on upstairs.”
“I bet there was,” Asha said.
“Did you see any apparitions?”
She remembered dawdling in a mirror on the trip back down the stairs to the first level, and seeing what she thought was the outline of Bellamy’s face. She quickly realized that it was her own paranoia causing the vision and scooted off in an attempt to erase it from her brain.
Natalie shook her head timidly, as Brandon turned around to gaze down at her. His grin was warm, genuine, and she felt just a little bit filthier. Then, he had the audacity to press his lips into the center of her forehead, as though he were placing all the faith he’d had stored up within, into her now.
I wish he could understand how difficult it was. I wish he could feel what she was feeling. But her thoughts would be the death of him...the death of them.
LATER THAT EVENING, ASHA SAT IN THE BREAKFAST NOOK, WHILE NATALIE PUT A COUPLE OF STRAY DISHES AWAY. Both women made a conscious effort not to say more than two or three words to each other, a record to say the least, and Natalie steered away from any direct eye contact. She’d washed the same pots and pans a number of times, shifting them from one side of the sink to the next, while Asha tapped her fingers on the surface of the table rhythmically.
“Need any help?” she asked.
Natalie shook her head. “No, I’m okay. Thank you.”
“Where’s Brandon?”
“Upstairs showering, I think. Where’s Scotty?”
“Who the hell knows.”
“Ah.”
Silence fell between them once more. Natalie rung out the dish cloth, but kept her back turned.
“I like the color you chose for the kitchen,” she observed.
“It was all Brandon. Blue is his favorite color.”
“I see. How is Brandon these days?”
“What do you mean?”
“How’s he liking his job? How is he liking Portland?”
“He works long hours, but I think he enjoys the challenge of it all. The people he works with aren’t too bad either. I’m thinking of surprising him in the office next week and bringing him lunch. I don’t think he gets very many breaks during the day.”
“That’ll be nice. How wifely of you.”
Natalie turned quickly to face the breakfast nook. Asha had refrained from turning on the light above her head, her brown skin shadowed in organic moonlight. “Asha, really?”
“Problem?”
“You’re being snide.”
“Am I?”
“I don’t know what you and Scotty have discussed, but leave me out of it.”
“Fair enough. But Brandon and I had a little discussion of our own. While you and Scotty were off doing God knows what today.”
“And what did that discussion entail?”
“He asked me if there was something going on with you. He said that you haven’t been this unreadable in years. You’ve shut yourself off from him completely.”
“That’s not true.”
“It’s not, Natalie? Everyone can see it.”
“Did he happen to tell you about his little drunken phone call? Did he bring that up?”
“So that’s what this is all about? Him calling Sophia? Really? Do you want to know what he said to her, Nat?”
Natalie dropped the dish rag and turned to brace herself against the kitchen sink. “I don’t really care.”
“I think you do. But what do I know? I’ve only been your best friend for ten goddamn years. We’ve only been having this same conversation since you were eighteen years old.”
“Then let’s stop it right here, right now. I’m sick of having this fucking conversation. You and Scotty have made it your own personal mission to interject your opinions into our relationship for years. And I’m sick of it! So let’s stop it!”
It was the first time she’d raised her voice in quite some time. Her throat began to ache. And she was shaking. Any second, she figured, Brandon would come tumbling down the stairs to see why. But there was only silence for several minutes while she attempted to catch her breath.
“You’re going to lose him.” Asha’s voice was cold, aloof and breathy.
Natalie turned to her slowly, eyes narrowed and strained. “Excuse me?”
“You’re going to lose him. He told Sophia that he loved you more than life itself. But it would have been easier married to her.”
Asha raised herself from the table and exhaled. “There...conversation over.”
And she walked out of the room.
She promptly walked up the stairs and into the bedroom that she and Brandon shared. She’d never really taken the time to notice how they’d managed to put everything together in such a way that reflected both of them harmoniously. Pale blues and grays for Brandon, with a touch of green on the walls and in the trimming for Natalie. There were, of course, a number of framed photographs of varying sizes dotted about the room: one from their wedding, from the honeymoon, from some UGA football game that he drug her to, and one from a night that they were bored and had decided to try out the new digital camera that Brandon had gotten her as a birthday present. She’d chosen all of them, but Brandon kept his favorite image of her in his wallet at all times: one where she was sleeping in his bed on a cold and rainy Sunday afternoon.
“Why this one?” she’d asked once. “My hair looks gross, my skin unwashed, and I’m wearing that too-big sweater from your closet.”
“Because I love you most when you’re completely vulnerable.”
Brandon was still in the bathroom as she took as seat on their bed, unmade and smelling of their togetherness. She’d started to cry, but she kept it as silently as she could. Brandon had started to sing an obscure tune, coupled with a horrible melody. She couldn’t hel
p but laugh.
He stopped singing, peering his head out to notice her sitting there. He was smiling at first, until he saw her tear-stained cheeks.
“Tallie, what’s the matter?” he asked her, brows furrowed. He was naked from the waist up, glistening with shower water, hair still damp and combed back with his fingers. She crumbled again. Tears ran their course down her cheeks and into her open palms.
“I just need you to...”
“Need me to what?”
In seconds he was kneeling by her, hands placed confidently on her knees. “Tell me, baby, what’s wrong.”
“I just need to you hold me.”
He scooped her up quickly, hooking the length of his arms around her wholly, squeezing life back into her. She grasped at him desperately, locking her fingers around his neck, straining under the pressure of her own personal regret.
“I’m so sorry,” she kept murmuring into his bare shoulder blade.
“What do you mean? What are you sorry for?”
“For doing this to you, baby. I’m so sorry.”
“What? I’m confused. Stop crying so I can understand you.”
“All of these years...damn it...I was such a fool...such a fucking fool...”
Brandon tugged at her chin gently, then cupped her face in his hands. “Baby...calm down...take a breath...”
So, she did. Tears hiccuped through her. She stared up at her husband through heavy lids. “I’m so sorry, Brandy.”
“What are you sorry for, Natalie?”
“I don’t want to lose you, Brandon. I can’t lose you.”
“I’m not going anywhere, baby. What are you talking about?”
She wrapped her arms around his neck once more.
A gagging noise gurgled up from his throat. “Nat, baby, you’re choking me.”
“I’ll do better, I promise. I promise. I swear to God.”
He pulled apart from her, holding his hands at the sides of her arms. “Give me a minute. I’m going to put on some pants, then we’re going to talk, okay?”
She nodded quickly and he kissed her cheek, disappearing into the bathroom.
When he returned, he sat down on the bed next to her and handed her a small stack of tissues. He then wrapped his arm around her shoulder.
“You could’ve had anyone, chosen anyone. Girls worshipped you. Why me?”
She would later blame her sudden bout of emotion on her hormones, impending fear of being a bad mother, and something else. But for the moment, she’d settle her head into the nook on Brandon’s chest and pretend like the rest of the world didn’t exist.
“You can’t, after all of this time, not know the answer to that question,” he murmured. His lips grazed her forehead gingerly.
“When I first met you, I didn’t know what to make of you. I was afraid of your intentions, of the way you looked at me, of how well you could read me so soon. All of a sudden, you existed in my little world. And I never knew why.
“A year later, I had fallen in love with you. But I couldn’t tell you. I refused to give you the satisfaction. And with Sophia...she was far too present in your life...and...”
“And what...?”
“Did you mean it, Brandon? Do you really feel like it would have been easier marrying her instead of me?”
Brandon sighed heavily, and lowered his head. Natalie placed a hand on his forearm. Then he looked down at her again. “Yes.”
GHOSTS
“IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER TO BE WITH HER.”
He took a cue from the expression on her face and quickly mended his words. “It would have been easier to be married to her. But that’s not to say I would’ve been fulfilled.”
“How often do you think about this?”
He bounced his shoulders. “Not often enough. When we fight, I panic. When we fight and you walk out or you shut down, I don’t feel in control. I could handle fights with Sophia, you see. They were empty. They didn’t mean a damn thing. I always felt in control. But when I fight with you, when I see you walk away from me, it kills me. I no longer feel like any of my impending actions will be my own. They’ll come from somewhere else. A desperation, maybe, to get you back into my clutches as soon as possible. It’s a love that’s been out of my control for years.”
“Do you think about her?”
“Hardly. No.”
“That night...it made me so sick to think about you contacting her. The audacity of it all. My actions, your actions. Seeing her name in your phone again...it just...”
“Nat, she’s perfectly settled into a new relationship from what I hear. All past damages are done. The conversation I had with her, however drunk, muddled or incoherent, didn’t last much longer than a few seconds at best. Her reply was, ‘yes, but you belong to her...you’ve always belonged to her...I’ve never seen something more clear in my life’. I couldn’t believe it.”
“You’re telling me.”
“The only thing I wanted was you back in our bed.”
She chuckled. “I’m so sorry.”
“You keep saying that but you’re not elaborating.”
“You should know,” she replied shyly. “I’ve put you through everything imaginable, and yet you’re still here. You’re still the Brandy who chases me through the park while playing Freeze Tag.”
He laughed. “God, that was so long ago. You were so cooperative that day. It was such a turn on.”
She shook her head from side to side reflectively. “Brandon, how do you ever deal with someone like me? Please...tell me.”
“Oh, I don’t know, Tallie. A long time ago, I figured no matter how far we tried to run from one another, it would all catch up with us eventually. I mean, we’ve said some shitty things, done some shitty things, all in an effort to move on and gain some semblance of stability again. But here you and I are...married for God’s sake. In love. We went years without talking, we dated other people...I mean, isn’t that the right climate for change? But here we are, still, fighting and making love and creating a future years later. How incredible is that?”
“Pretty incredible,” she replied.
“Don’t be so apologetic. That scares me. Just promise to be as strong for me as I am for you. And we’ll be okay. That was the point I was trying to make.”
SHE LAID AS PEACEABLY AS SHE COULD WITH BRANDON THAT NIGHT, with her head lingering in his nook. They both stared toward the ceiling, breathing easily.
It was late. Scotty and Asha were in the next room, audibly and graphically making love. Brandon was laughing at their blatant lack of couth; Natalie squeezed her husband tighter.
“My God,” she murmured. “I’m twenty years old all over again.”
“And I’m twenty-three and jealous.”
She nudged him lightly. “It wasn’t easy for me either.”
“Maybe not. But you’ve had strawberry ice cream before, right?”
“What does sex have to do with ice cream?”
“Answer the question.”
“Of course. Favorite flavor.”
“I’m aware. Imagine me bringing in a big bowl of strawberry ice cream from that place you loved in Athens...”
“Sarah’s?”
“Yea, that place. Imagine that I brought you a big, old bowl of your favorite ice cream from Sarah’s. It’s the best churning job, best color, best taste. You know that as soon as you take the first bite, you’ll orgasm everywhere...”
“That’s graphic, but I’m following...”
“Now...imagine me saying, ‘You can’t have this ice cream for another three or four years’...but I place it in the freezer for you to watch, day after day...month after month. You may see it, salivate over it...you may even stick your pinky finger in it and have a taste, just to take the edge off...but you still can’t have it in its entirety...”
Natalie pursed her lips. “Well said...”
“The whole plane ride down to Nevis, I couldn’t sit still. I just knew that I’d do damage to you, the moment I got yo
u alone.”
Her cheeks warmed. “Brandon David!”
“It’s true,” he chuckled. “I’d saved up all of my energy for you. Every time prior to that moment, I couldn’t stand watching you get out of the shower, change clothes, wear those ridiculously short cheerleading shorts, smell your perfume. You were mine. You’d always been mine. And I wanted all of you. Even now, I still have some difficulty minding my manners when you walk into a room.”
“And you don’t think I feel the same way?”
“I don’t wear perfume, so I’m not sure.”
“Brandon...”
“I never know, Natalie. One minute you’re the playful, intelligent girl I fell in love with. The next, I can’t read your thoughts. I’ve convinced myself that one morning I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone for good. That whatever I’m doing isn’t good enough.”
“Don’t say that...”
She wished she could be as articulate as him. She’d always wished that. Brandon Greene’s verbal effectiveness was one of the very many reasons why she loved him. How could one person always know what to say? How could he always divulge their feelings with no regard to judgment? She wondered how and why someone so verbose and so sickeningly charismatic could fall victim to a small town black girl with an irremovable chip on her shoulder?
She parted her lips to reply, but Brandon thwarted her progress, tilting her face up by the chin to greet his eyes.
“I’ll always feel protective of you, Natalie. “I’ll always want to take some ownership of you. You’re mine.”
He kissed her lips once. She forgot how vehement he could be. But the thump of her heart reminded her. She returned his kiss.
The sound of the headboard in the neighboring bedroom created a giant thud against their wall. Natalie shrieked and Brandon laughed again.
“I’m glad Asha’s getting some,” he began, pulling her closer. “She had a shitty attitude earlier.”