by Alyse, Jade
“You’re telling me.”
“What’s going on with the two of you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. You two seemed tense.”
“Can’t say. She’s fine, I’m fine.”
“Must’ve been my imagination.”
She shrugged with feigned indifference, and he didn’t seem to notice the gesture.
She leaned upward to him, kissing the space just below his chin. “I’m never running again.”
“I hope not,” he whispered. “Because I don’t think I can chase you anymore.”
BY BREAK OF MORNING, they were all sitting at a cafe downtown. There was a haze of clouds above their heads, but the sunlight was desperate to peek through.
Asha had apologized. She explained that she’d been laid off from her job a couple of weeks earlier and wasn’t in her right mind. Scotty was the only one that knew. She’d tried to suppress the anger she’d felt at being let go from a place she’d put her all into for four years, but it came out anyway, and had been uselessly directed at Natalie.
“It’s okay,” Natalie said, reaching for her hand across the table. “You’re apologizing to a pregnant woman for being overly emotional. Trust me, I understand.”
Brandon then went into his own speil about having to deal with his wife emotionally instability and odd food cravings.
Natalie only rolled her eyes. “But you’re still married to me, right? So you’ll be okay.”
Scotty then gazed around him, upward, skyward and outward, sighing. “I could get used to living out here. It’s so different. But it’s a good different.”
Asha peered in his direction. “Do you want me to tell them or you going to do it?”
Scotty met her gaze. “I’ll do it. You suck at explaining things.”
“We’d like to know too,” Brandon said. “I feel like we have something to do with this...”
“You do,” Scotty replied. “Well...Ash and myself have had a couple of conversations. About where we see ourselves in the next few years. And Asha said that she was sick of the south and wanted something different. I agreed. So...we started looking at different cities, different regions, different areas. And then we thought about you guys...”
“Yea? And...?” Natalie pressed.
“Well, it’ll take a couple of months,” Scotty continued. “But Asha and I are coming out here to the west coast. We decided it last night.”
Natalie laid her hand on Brandon’s arm.
“Wait,” Brandon said. “You’re using a lot of ‘we’...can I venture to guess that you two are finally moving things to the next level?”
“Ah, hell, we’ve been together,” Asha admitted. “We just don’t share every facet of our relationship like you two.”
“Fair enough,” Natalie replied, gazing up at Brandon with a grin.
Scotty wrapped his arm around Asha’s shoulder gingerly. “Yea, we’ve been together for two or three years now...I’ve lost count...”
“Let’s just settle for two and a half,” Asha replied. “We’re getting stronger. We both still have our weaknesses, of course. But we’re fighting through them.”
Brandon and Natalie looked at each other. Her husband smiled. She winked at him in return.
“Well,” Brandon began. “It might get a little busy around the house in a few months with a baby in the house...but you are more than welcome to stay until you get settled.”
Asha leaned forward. “No, no. That would be asking too much. Scotty and I have already started looking. We’re still a little stuck on differentiating one neighborhood from the next, but we’ll get there. You guys worry about the baby. Just promise you’ll be around when we need help moving.”
Scotty scoffed. “Yea, because she’s too damn cheap to hire real movers.”
Rolling her eyes, Asha nudged him quickly. “Scotland, please. We’ll make do. Don’t you worry. Just know that we’re coming. And we hope you’re excited.”
Natalie then began to cry. Brandon wrapped his arm around his wife comfortingly, pursed his lips and remarked, “Lord, here she goes again.”
Scotty began to laugh and Asha joined in quickly thereafter.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I’m just so happy. I’m just so...oh, stop laughing! It’s these damn hormones. Stop it!”
Brandon pressed his lips into her temple. “Don’t worry, baby. It’ll all be over in a couple of months, promise. So, what are you guys looking at? Apartments, townhouses, condos, houses?”
Scotty bounced his shoulders. “We’re looking at ‘affordable’. Are you familiar with that?”
Brandon chuckled. “Fair enough. Well, I was thinking that maybe Natalie could ask that Bellamy guy if he knows of any good places. He seems to know the area pretty well, right?”
Natalie looked up at him, as if to assure that he’d said the right name. And for a glimpse of a moment, she’d convinced herself that she’d forgotten her foolish thoughts.
However ridiculous, they seemed real again, as though the mere mentioning of his name could bring all idealistic, overdramatic thoughts to a tumbling thud on the ground.
She wondered if her husband could see the selfish thoughts seething out of her. She wondered if he could see any of it. She swallowed thickly. It was best to answer quickly. Her resolve was fading in fleeting light, like the plight of a soon-to-be-missed sunset.
“Yea, I suppose so...”
“Great,” he replied, smiling. “Would you mind asking him tomorrow before they get on their flight back?”
She nodded wistfully. “Of course. No problem. Ask Bellamy. Done deal.”
BUT TOMORROW CAME AND BELLAMY DID NOT SHOW. At least, from what she could see. She spent a great deal of the morning in the hospital, shuffling through paperwork; however, she retained no new information. Something about standing there, envious of the people and their unchanged lives surrounding her, made her feel as though she’d unwillingly stumbled on some new information that she didn’t want to know. There was no way of altering it, unseeing it, numbing herself to it.
By lunch, she thought to take a deep breath and go for a walk. It was the first time she’d been alone in days.
She could’ve lied to herself and affirmed that she’d made sense of it all. She laughed by her lonesome at that thought.
Zuly was nearby the remainder of the afternoon.
“How are you feeling today?” she asked.
She could have remarked on a number of things: the fact that her boss hadn’t given her grief; or that she’d discovered the nurses’ secret planning of her baby shower; hmm, maybe that Brandon would have to work late and that bothered her; or something about her pregnancy...yes, nausea, the ridiculous cravings, the incessant horniness...the...oh, shit it’s useless.
“I’m okay. Ready to go home. I’m sleepy.”
“Me too. Have a glass of Merlot waiting on me. How was the weekend with your friends?”
“Incredible. I love them.”
“They seem like a great bunch.”
“They are...”
“You seem distracted.”
“I, what?”
Zuly chuckled. “Maybe you should call it a day early.”
“Call what a day?”
“Natalie, go home.”
She couldn’t even remember the physical act of walking to her car. She quickly grew frustrated at the idea of her hands trembling to the point where she couldn’t single out the right key to unlock her damn car. Then, her phone vibrated in her pocket. Huffing with frustration, she reached for the device and shoved it up to her ear.
“What do you need, Brandy? I’m having a little difficulty getting into my fucking car...”
“Hi.”
It was the sound of a ghost - she was convinced on this. Her harebrained cognizance had finally toppled over on her. She was reeling. She’d officially succumbed to her own madness.
Good one, Natalie Chandler.
Still, she answered anyway.
With parted lips, and bated breath, she whispered, “Hi.”
Shrouded in silence, she shook at every end of her. Anticipation surmounted good sense. She was caught in the undertow.
“Get in your car, Natalie.”
“And where will I go?”
“Natalie.”
Her insides curled at the sound of her name. “Where were you?”
“Nat...”
“Answer me. Are you okay?”
“I shouldn’t have called.”
She closed her eyes. Any second, she figured, he’d disconnect the line. He’d end it for the both of them. Whatever the hell was happening, anyway.
But, she heard his soft breathing on the other end. And she exhaled. “Bellamy Lambert.”
She couldn’t have stopped her whimpering. With her undertaking shattered, she had nothing. “I need to see you. Let me come to you.”
He hesitated. She held her breath again. “No.”
“Bellamy...”
“There’s no need. I’m already here.”
She turned slowly, lowering the phone from her ear...and there he stood. His hair disheveled, eyes bloodshot, clothes disorderly, he sauntered in her direction slowly.
Spellbound, she stood quite still, fixing her gaze into his pale green eyes.
A tear sputtered out of her eye and down her cheek. “Tell me, Bell. Tell me it didn’t happen.”
Lips tightened to silence, he traversed toward her, settling his hands on her arms. She could smell the dank, stale scent of alcohol pouring out of his skin. But she reached upward anyway, trailing the tips of her fingers down the side of his jaw. She ran them across his quivering lips, halting them there. Darting his tongue out to greet them, she closed her eyes again.
“Damn it,” she muttered. “Damn it. It was real.”
He pulled her closer. Their foreheads grazed gently. He pressed his lips into the pads of her fingers.
She laughed, allowing another tear to fall. “I needed to see you.”
“I’m leaving, Natalie. I’m going away.”
Dropping her hand, she looked up at him. “You’re what?”
“An opportunity has presented itself in another location. And I’m going there...to take it.”
“Another woman? That’s what this is?”
He backpedaled. “Don’t do this...”
“How is she? What’s she like? Is she pretty?”
“I’m leaving, Natalie. And it has nothing to do with a woman. I need a fresh start.”
She scoffed. “Then go. Please, don’t let me stop you.”
“Will you allow me the privilege of saying goodbye?”
“There’s no need.” She took a quick step backward, leaving just enough room to extend her hand to him. “I wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavors.”
“Natalie. Don’t do this.”
Her hand was still extended. “Bellamy, you already said that. Let’s come up with something a little bit more original next time.”
He sighed, glaring at her. His open-faced expression prompted her to say more, but she refrained.
Dropping her hand, she shifted the weight of her body from one foot to the next with exasperation. “I don’t know what you want me to say. ‘Goodbye’? ‘Nice knowing you’? ‘Sorry to see you go’?”
“No, Natalie.”
“Then, what, Bellamy? What the fuck do you want from me?”
She was yelling. Her voice cracked under the pressure of it all. Her lips quivering, she turned away from him, dancing about the balls of her feet in an ill-shaped circle, pressing the back of her hand to her forehead.
“Get in my truck.”
She ceased moving and turned to him again. Wary-eyed and piqued, she whispered, “No. I can’t.”
“I won’t beg you. Get in my truck.”
So, she did. Avoiding his eyes, she gazed out of the passenger window, skyward somewhere. There was guidance up there, she was sure of it. There was something that would lead her in one direction or the other.
In the interim, she was lost, tumbling outward with nothing to grab on to steady her. And soon her husband would be calling to check in on her.
What would she say? “I’m asking Bellamy just like you told me to. No worries. I’ll get that answer for you as soon as possible. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I’ll always love you. Remember that. This is just something that has to be done. You understand that, don’t you, baby?”
She exhaled. “Why did you take me to that hotel?”
Keeping his eyes focused ahead of him, he tightened the grip on his steering wheel. “Because I knew that you didn’t want to go home.”
“And you paid for my stay?”
“Yes.”
“And the damage on my husband’s truck?”
“Yes.”
“How did I get upstairs?”
“I carried you.”
She sneered. “And no one thought it strange?”
“My friend owns the hotel. I told you that.”
“So, that room. Do you frequent it?”
He paused. “I used to.”
“With women?”
“Yes.”
“Did you sleep there with me? That night?”
“No. I went home. I had Josephine check on you from time to time.”
“Who is Josephine?”
“A housekeeper.”
“Why, Bellamy...”
“I don’t know. I’ve spent the last few months since I met you trying to figure that out. I have nothing.”
Shaking her head slowly, she finally allowed herself to look in his direction. “I haven’t been able to make sense of anything since I got here. I’ve felt so...out of place...”
“The night you...you...” His voice trailed off and he closed his mouth again.
“What? Tell me...”
“The night I was with you and Zuly and I...fell asleep. The sound of your voice. It...God. Up until that point, I hadn’t been able to figure you out. Or maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough. And then you just started talking. And I felt like I had to hear it.”
“My God. I told you so many personal things. Things I hadn’t told anyone. Now all of a sudden you were privy to knowledge that would kill my marriage. If Brandon ever found out...”
“He won’t.”
“And you told Lambert. About what I was doing before I came here. I was so...so angry at you that morning.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I couldn’t keep it to myself. Once I’d learned of the dynamic with your husband, it made all of the sense in the world.”
“What made sense exactly?”
Bellamy sighed as though to brace himself. “He suffocates you. And for a time you let him. You put your dreams of becoming a doctor aside for him and for your baby. That’s commendable, but...”
“How are you so fucking sure of my relationship with Brandon? You haven’t the slightest idea what we’ve been through and how he makes me feel...”
“Yes, but...”
“And why are you so goddamned concerned about me becoming a doctor? Why is it so important to you?”
“Because I’m one, Natalie.”
“Stop the car.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You heard me perfectly fine. Stop the car.”
Slowly, he veered onto a shoulder, killing the engine as instructed. He artfully kept his eyes out of hers.
Brows furrowed, she leaned back, glaring at him. “What did you say?”
“You heard what I said.”
“You’re a doctor?”
“Yes.”
“Since when?”
“Since I graduated from Stanford.”
“But...you don’t...you don’t practice medicine?”
“No.”
“Wait...Gabriella.”
“Yes.”
“She was a doctor?”
“Yes.”
“Bellamy...”
His breathing was low and uneven. Lips tightened to qu
ell something pressing against him.
“Look at me, Bellamy.”
So, he did.
“Why...why didn’t you tell me?”
He shook his head slowly. “Natalie, there are a number of things that I have been trying to tell you since we met. And I can’t for the life of me formulate the words in a way that would keep you from running away from me.”
“I’m sitting here right now. Right now, goddamn it. Tell me.”
He sighed heavily again. She studied the contours of his face: the he moved, the angles of it, the dusky gold surface of it.
She whispered his name, breathed it in, salivated over it, pleading to him.
He started the engine. “I should take you back.”
“For God’s sake, Bellamy Lambert, if you move this car...”
He halted his mission, tumbled over the console and had her face in his hands in seconds. She’d started to cry, stifling small muted sobs. She was pleading with him again. With a fervent gaze, she muttered, “Do it, you son of a bitch. Do it. Don’t waste anymore of my goddamn time. We both know how this ends...”
Shrouded in silence and darkness, Bellamy closed his eyes as if to embrace the end of something, and he pressed his reluctant, sex-dripped lips into hers.
VALEDICTION
“BABY...RELAX...TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG?”
She was only breathing erratically. The thoughts in her head were desperately attempting to catch up with the pace of her heartbeat. Her hands were trembling. But the sound of Brandon’s voice did something. It evened out her breathing, allowed her to blink more fluidly.
But it’d happened nevertheless. And she couldn’t accept it. She refused to. Her lips were still tender, humming with warmth, tasting of him. His touch. Dear God, his hands. They’d touched her in aways that she couldn’t have imagined. And her reaction. Elicited moans and whimpers and murmurs of his name.
“I want you, Natalie. I want every fucking part of you. But I can’t. Please stop. I can’t.”
But he was gone now. He’d left her. They’d said their goodbyes. She closed her eyes tightly at the thought of it.
“Natalie, I can’t hear you, baby. Are you okay? Where are you?”
She was sitting outside of the house she’d built with her husband, who, a year or so prior, had been foolish enough to marry a girl like her. A stupid, stupid girl.