Holding On To Hope

by Mystique Roberts

  ***

  I am really freaking nervous as I wait in my bus for Chase to arrive. I can’t sit still, my palms are sweaty and I am trying to remind myself to breathe. This is the first one on one time we've had since he was “comforting me” a few days ago. I wonder where he is taking me? I run my palms down my cut off shorts to dry them and fix the straps to my tank top, I can’t stop fidgeting. Then, I hear a knock at my door and jump a little. Damn my nerves are ridiculous, pull it together Hope. I quickly spray some coconut body spritz on and take a deep breath before answering the door.

  “Hey Chase,” I say as I mentally remind myself to not act like an idiot.

  He grins so wide it’s like a little kid on Christmas.

  “Are you ready?” He says and I can hear the excitement in his voice.

  “I am, but where are we going?”

  He smirks, “Follow me.”

  He grabs my hand and leads me to the back lot of the venue. I’m slightly confused because no one is here and I don’t see a car for us to leave. I start to ask what is going on then we turn a corner and I see a motorcycle with two helmets and a guy leaning against it smiling to us. I start to get nervous, because I have only been on a bike with my uncle and because Chase’s wreck was horrible. I begin to wonder if he has been on a bike since. I try to keep my expression light, but he must see the concern on my face.

  “Hope, this is Kyle, I’ve known him a couple years, he works with some of the security guards on the tour.”

  “Nice to meet you, Hope.” I smile and shake Kyle’s hand. Taking in his heavily tattooed body and the size of his muscles. The man has to be over six feet tall, because he towers over me and is slightly taller than Chase. He is definitely intimidating to look at, but seems nice.

  “Nice to meet you, as well.”

  He turns to Chase, “Okay man, just have it back before we pack up tonight, okay?”

  “Thanks again, we will be back in a couple hours.”

  Kyle walks back towards the stages and Chase hands me a helmet.

  “Umm, are you sure about this?”

  He frowns slightly, “Yes, I’m safe I promise. Look, if you don’t want to go, it’s no big deal. I just thought we could use a little time on the road, just feeling free of all of this. I haven’t been on a bike since a few months after my wreck, but right now I feel like this will be a great thing for both of us.”

  I take a deep breath and take the helmet, strapping it on. He smiles and swings his leg over the bike, puts on his helmet and reaches for my hand. I climb on and wrap my arms tightly around his waist. He starts the bike and slowly drives down to the road. Once we get on the main road he speeds up and I lay my head on his back, squeezing his waist. I wish I could see his expression. Is it worried or excited? Is he enjoying this? I wonder how he feels being back riding a bike after all this time? I am a bit nervous, but right now I’m more concerned with Chase, I recall the images I saw online earlier this summer. The chaos and his blood ridden body, my stomach aches at the thought of it. I feel him squeeze my hand and I smile, reminding myself that he has come a long way since last year. So have I. All of a sudden I am hit with the memories that have been fighting their way into my mind all day.

  “It’s New Year’s Eve last year. The first time I had really gone out since Josh left me. For the last few hours I have been having a blast with my friends, dancing the night away at a club downtown. There is an open bar so we have had more than our fair share of shots and mixed drinks and my body is starting to feel the effects of the alcohol. The music stops as all of us are dancing by the d.j. Anna and her boyfriend, plus a few of our other friends and their dates are all nearby. I feel hands on my hips and the cute guy I have been dancing with for the last few songs smiles at me. I return the smile and look at Anna who is winking at me. The guy is cute, with bright green eyes and dirty blonde hair, anyone would think he is attractive. The d.j starts counting down the seconds until midnight and the next thing I know everyone around us is cheering and couples everywhere are kissing. I look to Anna whose lips are locked with Justin her boyfriend and turn away to meet the eyes of the handsome stranger. Next thing I know he leans in and kisses me. I know it’s just a New Year’s kiss, but all the pain from my recent breakup resurfaces and I break apart from the guy.

  “I’m sorry!” I say over the cheering of the crowd. “I just all of a sudden feel a bit lightheaded. I had quite a bit to drink, excuse me.”

  I make my way through the swarm of bodies grinding together on the dance floor and walk to the bathroom. I hold it together long enough to lock myself in a stall and immediately start crying. I cry for what seems like forever when I hear a knock at the door.

  “Hope? Are you in there?” Anna’s voice cuts through my sobbing.

  “Yes, I’m fine, go back out there.”

  “No, let me in.”

  I groan and open the door.

  “What’s wrong!? Did that guy hurt you?”

  I shake my head and cry harder, “No, HE didn’t hurt me. I’m sorry, I’m just an idiot. Kissing another guy just wasn’t smart, when I’ve only been dumped by someone I thought I’d spend my life with a month ago. I’m sorry, go back out-”

  Before I can finish my stomach churns and I turn my head to face the toilet and rid my body of every bit of alcohol I’ve consumed. Anna grabs my hair and comforts me, but I am crying and getting sick all at once. It’s terrible. I’m embarrassed but really just hurt, the pain has only gotten worse with each passing day. I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds?

  Chase:

  I’ve been looking for a chance to redeem myself after chickening out with Hope the other day. I’ve been kicking myself in the ass ever since. So, today I decided to do something a little crazy, but I wanted to do something different. I want to get Hope out of the work element for a bit and just have some one on one time with her, without everyone’s eyes on us. I knew that Kyle had his bike on tour so I figured that us getting away from work and everyone would be easiest. I could see the pain written all over her face that day backstage and although I wanted to ask, I could tell she didn’t want to talk about it. It bothered me more than it should; but for now I’m going to enjoy the feeling of Hope’s arms wrapped tight around me as they keep me locked in this moment with her.

  I stay focused on the road ahead while we stop at a light. A car horn on the other side of the street makes me jump slightly and I notice Hope squeeze me tighter as a nervous feeling surfaces in my gut. I’m fighting to remind myself of my reality as haunting images of sirens, people screaming, emergency lights and the pain of my body hitting the road assault me. The light turns green and I double check that the people on either side of me are stopped completely. Verifying that it’s safe to go I head straight and pull into a gas station to turn around. Telling myself not to push it too much today, I head back towards the grounds, focusing on Hope squeezing me tightly. I place my hand on hers and smile, loving the feeling of our skin connecting even in the smallest way.

  Once we get back to the grounds I pull around back to avoid the crowds and I reach the trailer where Kyle keeps his bike. After I park, I feel Hope loosens her grip and I smile at her, but she gives me a questioning look. I tilt my head, getting off the bike.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  Hope’s face creases in concern and she shakes her head and shrugs. She seems unsure of whether to say what she’s thinking or not. Then she sighs, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I was just concerned with how you were handling that mentally.” She gestures towards the bike, then looks towards the ground. “Sorry, none of my business.” Her voice is quiet.

  “Hey…” I say softly. She doesn’t look up, so I reach under her chin, gently forcing her to meet my gaze. I see her biting her lip nervously, for a moment my mind goes to the feeling of her lip between my teeth, but I dismiss the thought as I see the concern in her eyes.

  “I’m okay and you have every right to wonder about that.”
I nudge her and grab her hand leading her to Kyle’s van. “I’ll admit that was weird, but I also felt free for the first time in a while. Thank you for coming with me.”

  “You’re welcome.” She smiles up at me.

  I see Kyle walking up to his trailer. “Hey man, thanks again. The ride was smooth.” I hand him his keys.

  “Anytime Chase. Hell yeah, I put a lot of money into that bike, well worth it.”

  I nod, “Well, we need to head back, but thanks for letting me borrow it.”

  We’re almost to our buses and I pull Hope into my arms, hugging her tight, but when I pull back I see her staring off, clearly not mentally here with me. Her face wearing the same worried expression as before.

  “Hey...where’d you go?” I chuckle.

  “Oh, sorry. I was just thinking.” She smiles.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask, I know she was worried about the bike, but really, I’m fine. She doesn’t need to be.

  “I just guess I was thinking about where I was a year ago and how different life is. For that I’m so grateful. I just was remembering some things I’d rather forget is all. I’m fine. We’re all having a fire tonight, right?” She says with enthusiasm, changing the subject.

  I know she doesn’t want to talk about it, but I just want her happy.

  “Yes, bonfire after all the shows are done.” I kiss her cheek.

  She nods, “Great, I’m going to check with Ariel to see if we need to do anything beforehand.” She smiles and I want to believe it’s real. “Meet you in a bit?” Hope questions.

  I return her smile, “Sure, yeah. I need to get with the guys anyway. See you soon.” She goes inside and I’m left wondering how she really feels about all of this, about us.

  ***

  Ryker and I are helping The Destroyed and some other tour members set up the fire and all of the food and I’m happy to be having some downtime with everyone. Today was weird, but I know everyone should have a good time tonight.

  “Let’s put the pit here, then it’s kind of in the middle for everyone.” Ryker is standing a few yards in front of me gesturing to the ground below him.

  “Whatever works. I’m going to grab some tables and chairs. Get Aiden or Cole to help.”

  Tyler and Benjamin from The Destroyed wait for me and we meet Before I Fall. After everything is set up, I text Hope because I haven’t heard from her or Ariel in a few hours.

  “Hey, are you with Ariel? Everything’s ready.”

  I put my phone back in my pocket and hear the laugh that has become music to my ears over the last few weeks. I see Hope and Ariel walking up to us with a cooler and the smile on Hope’s face brings a familiar feeling to my stomach. Tyler takes the cooler and I start to approach them when she takes out her phone, I assume to read my text.

  She smiles and looks up, seeing me approach her. She laughs, “Well, I’m here.” She shakes her head and I go in for a hug. I give Ariel one too, not wanting to draw attention to the gesture towards Hope.

  “We ran and got drinks.” Ariel says loudly. Then everyone rushes the cooler, thanking the girls. After a while it’s just one big acoustic jam session. A mix of the bands and crew are around the fire pit and we’re playing different songs while everyone sings along.

  “Welcome to the tour life, Hope.” Ariel says and everyone cheers. “Welcome, Hope!”

  “You’re stuck with us now, better be prepared for a wild ride.” Aiden says jokingly.

  “Come on now, don’t scare her off with threats, fucker.” Mike the security guard laughs.

  “Yeah, he’s had my back since my first day.” Hope raises her bottle to him and he smiles.

  “What do you mean?” I question.

  “Oh nothing. He just helped me find your tent is all.” She blushes.

  “Hope is a klutz, end of story.” Mike says.

  Everyone laughs and I head to get another burger. Aiden and Ryker follow.

  “You know, Hope fits in well. I have to admit I was curious before she started. I wasn’t sure if a new worker would be a good idea. Just because we all work well together, sometimes a new person can throw a wrench in the system. But it’s like she’s been here the whole time.”

  I nod, “Yeah, she’s pretty great.”

  Ryker laughs, “Well, we all know you think so.”

  I side eye him. “What do you mean?”

  He rolls his eyes, “Come on man, we’re not stupid. We see how you look at her. We see you two talk and hangout.”

  I wondered when someone would bring this up to me. Curious if they’d give me hell for it or if they thought it was a bad idea.

  I sigh, “Look, I’m still focused on this and making RA succeed. I won’t get distracted.”

  Ryker puts his hands up in defense. “Whoa, I didn’t mean anything by it man. I just haven’t seen you like this since Lauren. You used to be the one to get all the women. It’s just different to see you focused on one.”

  I shake my head in frustration. “I don’t want that life anymore. It nearly killed me. Plus, this is different, I’ve never really had a serious relationship. Even with Lauren...that was before we took off. I just don’t know, part of me is concerned if it’ll work, but I just can’t stay away.”

  Aiden slaps my back. “Good. You need someone to keep you in line.” He says sarcastically.

  “Fuck you.” I return.

  He laughs. “I’m just joking Chase. Actually this could be perfect. She understands the job, she’s on tour with us. It’s not like distance will be a problem. My only concern is… if something does happen or it doesn’t work out, their maybe some friction at first. But you’re both grown. You never know. Why not try? Fuck Reese is the best thing that ever happened to me. I say go for it.” He shrugs.

  We head back to the fire and now all I can think about is getting Hope alone.

  “Want to walk with me for a minute?” I ask, smiling.

  She bites her lip and nods, tossing her empty bottle into the trash and

  I stop once we are behind a bus that’s blocking us from the view of anyone at the fire.

  She looks at me curiously. “Everything okay?”

  I smile and before I stop myself I say, “Yes...I just needed to do this.” Then I place my lips on hers.

  She gives in kissing me back and I know that I just crossed the line we’ve been teetering on, but I don’t care. This woman has captured my interest and I don’t think that’ll change anytime soon.

  Hope stumbles back away from me. “Um…” She looks nervous.

  I smile and grab for her hand. “Don’t overthink, just come on. Let’s go back.”

  I wink at her and she pauses for a second, looking at my hand reaching out to her. At first she just looks at me, lost in thought, but finally she places her palm in mine and the warmth of her touch calms me.

  Ariel smiles at us when we get back to the fire and the music is still going. I start singing along to “If It Means A lot To You” by A Day To Remember and wrap my arm around Hope, pulling her close to me. For once, everything fits. This tour, the band and Hope here with me. I don’t know what I’d be doing if she weren’t here right now, but I’m so fucking glad she is.

  Chapter 8

  Hope:

  My emotions have been all over the place today. My mind forcing me to remember New Year’s Eve had me in a funk this morning, and while riding on the motorcycle with Chase was fun, I was constantly worried about his mental state. Tonight’s fire was just what I needed. Having some down time to hang out with everyone and relax is a great remedy for a weird day. The soft touch of Chase’s lips on mine moments ago ended my day on a high, but I admit I’m extremely curious on how this will play out.

  I’m excited about the new opportunities this job is bringing me - ones I didn’t even expect. When Ariel mentioned me learning more about the photography and graphics side of this business the other day I couldn’t contain my excitement. I have the opportunity to learn a lot more from this job than I ev
er considered. I look down at the small camera I carry everywhere with me and think about what it would be like to work strictly in the photography and graphics side of the label. Capturing memories for myself and then getting to share them with the world would be a fantastic feeling.