Finding Never (Never say Never)

by C. M. Stunich

  “I'm sorry,” I tell Jade, and I mean it. I really, truly do. She nods her head, and I know that although things can't be fixed so easily, that there's at least a foundation laid for us to build on. Because of Ty. It has to be because of Ty. What he said to her, I don't know, but it was something special. “We'll go out for ice cream,” I say as I take a deep breath. “And I'll tell you what I can. I can't promise that it'll be everything, but it will be something.” Jade understands this and nods.

  “Okay,” she begins and then pauses like she wants to say something. I notice how much prettier she looks without her makeup, how much younger. I like her so much better this way. “Ty,” she begins, her voice low enough that I know the boys can't hear. “He's pretty cool.” And then she's turning away and grabbing Never by the collar before she can dart out in front of a pickup truck.

  I walk over to Ty and stand above him, noticing that his eyes are cracked open and he's got a cigarette in his mouth. He looks so fucking gorgeous stretched out on the grass like that, long and lean and hard. I want to straddle him, fuck the shit out of him right then and there. My thighs clench tightly and I have to look away to stop my heart from galloping away from me.

  “Have a good walk, Nev?” he asks, and he doesn't sound pissy, just curious.

  “Yes,” I say as I resist the urge to lie down next to him and curl myself against his side, feel his ringed fingers in my hair, his mouth on mine. “You?” Ty takes the cigarette out of his mouth and sits up.

  “Jade and I had a nice talk. I think it was helpful. I've kind of decided that I want to counsel people, like teens or something, you know? People with problems. I think that's my life calling.” I don't say anything because Noah is scrutinizing this conversation, and I just don't feel like talking in front of him. “Seriously, baby, I think this could be the start of a beautiful future.” Together hangs in the air after his words as he stands up and gives me a smoky kiss smack dab on the lips. Noah watches silently, and when Ty walks away, he grabs my arm. He unlocks the car with his key fob so Ty, bitch-Never, and Jade can climb in giving us a second of privacy.

  “Who is this guy, Never?” Noah asks and in his words, there's a judgment. He doesn't like Ty. Now, whether it's because he's just jealous or because he senses something in him, I don't know, but what I do know is that if Noah doesn't like Ty, he doesn't like me because we're the same, him and me. Ty and I are two halves of a whole. It's just a fact, a plain and simple fact.

  “He's my … ” It takes me the longest moment in history to answer this question. “He's my soul mate.”

  22

  Noah takes us all back to the house and stays. My soul mate comment actually seems to invigorate rather than discourage him from seeking my affection. We play games and he sits really, really close to me, laughs loudest at my jokes, touches me gently. Ty watches and says nothing, sits across the room from me, frowns with an unlit cigarette in his mouth, and makes my little sisters giddy with joy when he agrees to play dress up with them.

  When it gets dark, Noah goes to leave and there's this awkward moment where we don't know what we're supposed to do – kiss? hug? shake hands? – so we do nothing and it's one of the tensest moments of my life.

  “See you soon, I hope,” he whispers as he disappears out the door and Ty drapes himself over my shoulders. He's wearing a sparkly tiara and a pink dress that my sisters have cut up for their fashion show. It hangs in rags from his strong shoulders, bares his belly beneath. I want to grab his hand, drag him upstairs, and explore his body, but I can't. It's almost time for dinner. The dinner where I'm supposed to find out everything about Jade and Luis and whatever else happened while I was gone. I've already met Danny, Maple's father, and that was bad enough. He was an uptight, suit wearing piece of shit who could not have looked any less thrilled to be picking up his child for the night. Guess my sister was good enough to fuck but not worth enough to be pleasant to. He didn't even say hello to her.

  “Thank God,” Ty whispers, breath hot as hell against my ear. “I thought he was never going to leave.” I try to pry him off of me, but instead, he spins me around and keeps hold of my wrist, places his other hand against my lower back and kisses me half to death. Ty's lips are hungry and his teeth are needy, biting and eating away at me while I do my best to keep from moaning and collapsing on the floor in a puddle.

  “Never,” Beth hisses from the staircase, causing Ty to step back with the world's phoniest Who me? look on his pretty face. Guess his charm works on women of all walks because my sister smiles coquettishly and reprimands only me. “There are children in this house.”

  “Yeah, okay,” I tell her, admiring the white dress she's put on for our outing. Beth looks so pretty and grown up; I wonder when I'll look like that, if I'll ever look like that. Maybe it's because she had a baby? I don't know, but I'm not having one anytime soon. I remind myself to pick up condoms while I'm out tonight, whether I want to use them or not. When we go back to California, I'll get some more birth control pills from the clinic. For now, I have to be smart. Ty is a stud, and I have no doubt that he could get me pregnant with a mere glance.

  “Get dressed,” Beth commands, assuming I brought something more appropriate for the snooty restaurant we're driving almost an hour to get to. They have seven items on their menu. Seven. And they're all over thirty bucks a plate. I wonder who's going to pay for it. I imagine the clothing in my suitcase and know that what I'm wearing is probably the nicest, most conservative thing I have.

  “I think I'll just wear this,” I say, and she rolls her eyes at me. It feels good, actually, to have Beth look at me like I'm just another sister. I sort of love it.

  “Suit yourself,” she says, flipping her short hair and yelling over her shoulder. “India, hurry up, we haven't got all night.”

  “Hey,” Ty whispers to me and reaches into his back pocket. He pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to me. I stare at it and can't help but wonder where it came from. If it's money from his whoring, I don't want it, and not because I blame him for what he did or because I'm judging him but just because I'm jealous. He senses this and smiles softly.

  “My last paycheck from the store,” he tells me. “The grocery store.” Ty reaches out and curls my fingers around the money. There's at least a hundred bucks there, conservatively. “Maybe you can grab some stuff for me while you're out?” he says and he's smiling wicked nasty at me. “And pay for dinner, too.” I don't want to take Ty's money, but I don't have much of my own left, so I stuff it in the pocket of my jeans.

  “Like?”

  “Like Magnums, 'kay?” Guess we're on the same page. Ty kisses me on the nose which is too fucking cute for a sizzling sex addict like him, and spins away to intercept Darla who's giggling and running with a fairy princess wand in hand. He growls at her and grabs her around the waist, swinging her in a circle like a dancer while she shouts and screams with joy. She likes him far better than she likes me which is okay. It's hard not to like Ty McCabe.

  “You can judge a man by how he interacts with children,” Beth whispers as she walks by me and into the kitchen. “It's the oldest trick in the book.” I roll my eyes. My sister can't help herself. She's kind of old fashioned sometimes. Ty moves into the living room with Lettie and Lorri and Darla, but I don't follow them. I won't go in there, not yet. That's the room where my father took his last breath, and I know that if I set foot in there now, that I'll be bombarded with memories that I really don't want.

  “Ready,” a voice says from above me, and I glance up to find Jade in a soft, pink dress that flows like silk, hair up in a bun, makeup soft but perfect. Beth.

  “She dressed you, didn't she?” I ask and my sister gives me a real smile, so genuine it could knock your socks off.

  “She's being nice to you now,” Jade tells me as she comes down the stairs and nearly trips on her own shoes. “But just you wait. Once you're absorbed fully into the fold, she'll start in on you.”

  “Hey,” India calls from the top o
f the stairs. “No complaining.” I laugh, can't help it. “Oh shut up, Never,” she sighs as she descends the steps like a cloud, all light, white fluff and bows. It's the most deranged piece of fabric I've ever seen. Maybe I wouldn't look like such a tool if I put on my red dress, the one I wore the night I met Ty? A slut maybe, but not a tool.

  “Be right back,” I say as I go upstairs and throw on my dress, pin my hair up with a clip from my past, and smear on some lipstick. The neckline might be a little low and the hem might be a little high, but as I examine myself in the mirror I can't help but think I look pretty good. Apparently, Beth agrees because she compliments me when I come downstairs, giving my other two sisters something to exchange an eye roll over. When Ty sees me, he smiles softly and pulls some rings off his right hand. He jingles these around in his palm and then tries to pass one to me. It's the gold one with the ruby setting.

  “I can't take this,” I tell him, my heart threatening to break free from my chest and go skidding across the floor for all my sisters to see. They're watching this exchange with interest, and I can't blame them. I mean, when a guy gives a girl a ring, it usually means something pretty special. Now, Ty might not be asking me to marry him, but he is giving me one of his mother's rings.

  “Please,” he tells me, leaving his hand suspended in midair. “Don't make me look like an asshat. Take it.” I laugh, as do Jade and India behind me, and let Ty press the ring into my hand, curl his fingers around mine, pull me to his lips for a kiss.

  “So, are you guys, like, together-together?” India asks as Ty slides his arms around me and just holds us in this space between now and forever, this warm bit of bliss that has no name, that exists solely for the two of us.

  Ty doesn't answer. He knows that I have to answer this question, that this is my call to make. I touch his lip ring, slide my fingertips up the side of his face, tug on his nose ring. Ty, the man with the butterfly tattoos and an acidic past that burns hot inside of him, has a hold on me that I can't resist. No matter what I say now, no matter what I do, he knows that. Noah Scott or no, Ty is special, and I would be one, stupid, fucking bitch not to see that.

  “Yeah,” I say. “Yeah, I guess we are.”

  23

  In the car, I have a hard time joining the conversation, partly because I don't know anything about the pageant that Jade took part in last summer and partly because I have a boyfriend. Ty is my boyfriend. Except for Noah, I've never had one of those. I don't know what to do with one. Love it, keep it, treasure it. Which brings up another good point. Noah. What do I do with Noah?

  “So,” I say, interrupting a fest of giggling that sort of makes me feel like an outsider. “How are you guys so close to Noah? I mean, after I left, I can't imagine why you would keep in touch with him.” Beth goes silent for a second, and I think she's going to say something like, Oh, Zella dated him, or something as equally perturbing as that. The thought makes me jealous whether I want it to or not. All these years, I've always kept Noah in the back of my mind, earmarked as belonging to me, using him to compare any living, breathing man against. And now here I am and he's a possibility, and I can't keep my hands off of Ty McCabe.

  “At first, we kept in touch with him just in case one or the other of us heard from you. After awhile, when it was obvious you weren't coming back,” Beth chokes on her words and gets tears in her eyes again. Everybody else remains dry eyed. “He just started coming around when we needed him. You know, to babysit or fix something or whatever. And then, um … ” Beth pauses, and I can feel that the subject is now out of her control. We're waiting for someone else. We're waiting for Jade.

  “He kicked Luis in the balls when he tried to rape me,” Jade gushes, and when I look back at her, her face is in her hands. I don't tell her this, but I'm glad that she calls Luis by his name. She knows he's her biological father, but she doesn't call him Dad. “Um, he was drunk off his ass, and he just fucking threw me down. If Noah hadn't walked in … ” Jade begins, but she doesn't finish. Nobody elaborates on this story which is fine by me. I know all I need to know.

  “I'm a sex addict,” I say and the words sound kind of stupid in the darkness of the minivan. Nobody responds for awhile.

  “What's … that exactly?” India asks, and I have to remember that she's only sixteen, that she and Jade are virgins. I try to keep to generalizations. My hands are sweaty and shaky, and I wish with all my heart and soul that Ty was here, that I could wrap my fingers around his ringed ones and squeeze.

  “I had sex to feel better about myself,” I tell her and try not to choke on my own words. My chip earring is still hanging by my cheek, reminding me what I've been through and how lucky I am to be alive.

  “How many people?” Jade asks, and I cringe. I don't think she was asking to be mean, just curious, just trying to understand who I am and where I've been, who I've become. She wants to know me which is more than I can say for my mother.

  “I don't know,” I reply honestly, and that's that. Beth moves on to other things, pointless things like how they had to have the water heater replaced two years back, and how the tree in the back of the house, the one that we use to climb when we were kids, fell down and came this close to hitting the house and killing Jade in her sleep. Beth talks briefly, oh so briefly, about how it was to live with Luis. Without actually saying the words, I get her drift: you were right. When she's done talking, she pauses and turns on a horrible Christian rock/country radio station that makes me gag. After three songs though, we pull into the parking lot and she shuts off the car.

  “Never,” she says as she spins to look at me, reaches out and cups my face between her hands. “I am so sorry. I believed you, I did, but I was going through a phase where I wanted Mom to approve of me, and I just – ” I cut her off with a smile. She can't know how much her words mean to me. It's just impossible. That simple phrase, that sorry, that tells me that she cares, that she regrets, that she hopes for something better and right now, that's all that matters to me. I open my mouth to speak and then pause. I had been laboring under the assumption that Darla was Luis' biological child, but if he tried to hurt Jade four years ago and got kicked out, and Darla is only three then …

  “Who is Darla's father?” I ask and although it might not be funny to anyone else, it is to us because this is the story of our life, and we're in charge of the punch lines. Beth starts to cry again, but she's laughing at the same time.

  “Well,” Jade begins, sliding forward in her seat so she can look right at me when she says this. “There was this Def Leppard tribute band that came into town a few years back …”

  24

  Dinner with my sisters is … blissfully normal. I think we're all sort of tired of living in the past, so whether or not we should be discussing past issues doesn't really matter. As soon as we sit in those chairs and pick up those horribly pretentious menus, we can't stop laughing and the world is suddenly this whole new place for me. It's a bit scary. But maybe I'm in a good mood because I've decided what I need to do, what needs to be done. When we get home, the house is dark and quiet. I say my good nights and head straight up the stairs, feeling strangely at peace with myself and the decisions I've made. This mood may not last long, but I'm going to ride it for all it's worth.

  “Want to do something with me?” I ask Ty as soon as I step into my bedroom and close the door behind me. If Jade finds out what I'm up to, she'll never forgive me. But what she doesn't understand is that I'm not just doing this for her, I'm doing this for me, too. Ty glances up at me, peeling his eyes away from the pages of a blue and yellow notebook. My notebook. My fucking journal. “Um, do you have any fucking sense of privacy or self preservation?” I ask the shirtless hottie who's lying stretched across my bed in a pair of black sweats but nothing else. His skin is bronzed and beautiful, like the surface of a penny, tanned from the sun and absolutely, one hundred percent kissable. I glance away as Ty sets the book beside him.

  “Hey,” he says, and I can hear the bed creaking as
he sits up. “There wasn't much else to do after your little sisters went to bed.” He pauses. “Though I did speak with your mother.” I glance back at him and am determined not to get lost in the beautiful lines of his body. If I do, I may very well just climb into bed with him and forget this whole thing. But I can't. I can't forget it because it may very well be one of my top five moments in life. I have to confront Luis about my father, about Jade. I have to because if I don't, I will always have this anger inside of myself. The anger that makes me fuck guys I don't love, that brings tears to my eyes when there shouldn't be any. I have to get rid of it, and I need Ty to help me. If Ty doesn't come along with me, I may very well kill that sick son of a bitch.

  “Why?” Ty sits up completely and puts his feet on the floor. I notice that he doesn't release his hold on the notebook.

  “She was asking about you.”

  “And? What did you tell her?” My heart is thumping away like a mad thing, and it isn't only because beautiful, fucking, tortured, twisted Ty McCabe is sitting half-naked in front of me. I have to know what my mother asked about, what she said. I still know that I have to cut her off for my own well being, but that doesn't mean I want to, doesn't mean I'm not curious about her. Somehow, coming from her womb has connected us in a way that nobody else could possibly understand save my sisters. However, this binds me only to them and not to her. I imagine it would be different if she loved me. If is a very big word.

  “I said you had the greatest capacity for love that I've ever seen in any other human being.” I lock my gaze on Ty's and try to tell him how I feel without words. Somehow, he gets it. He always does.

  “What else?” Ty shakes his head.