I Love You, Miss Huddleston

by Philip Gulley

  I Love You, Miss Huddleston

  And Other Inappropriate Longings of My Indiana Childhood

  Philip Gulley

  Contents

  Preface

  1. My Perilous Start

  2. Our New Digs

  3. Dreams of Greatness

  4. My Pointless Suffering

  5. Big Business

  6. Vacations

  7. My Family Tree, Imagined and Otherwise

  8. Miss Huddleston

  9. Carnival

  10. My Dalliance With Religion

  11. Halloween

  12. Old Men

  13. My Many Shames

  14. My Sporadic Uprisings

  15. Bicycle Glories

  16. Mildred

  17. The Faith of My Father

  18. Bill and Bunny

  19. Government Work

  20. My Grocery Days

  21. Driving

  22. The Blizzard

  23. Leaving Home

  Epilogue

  About the Author

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Preface

  In his book, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, Gordon Livingston writes, “Memory is not, as many of us think, an accurate transcription of past experience. Rather it is a story we tell ourselves about the past, full of distortions, wishful thinking, and unfulfilled dreams.” I Love You, Miss Huddleston is the story I have told myself about my adolescence.

  Those who shared those years with me might remember them differently. That is their prerogative, just as it is my right to make things more lively than they might have been. I am probably a little more exciting in the following pages than I was in real life.

  This is not a careful narrative, meticulously following the march of days. Nor is this history. It is story, and story has a way of shifting with the sands of time. I’ve never kept a diary, just a few scribbled notes in the dusty archives of my mind. Some things I report happening at the age of twelve might well have taken place when I was fourteen. For the sake of fun, I’ve exaggerated some of my exploits. It will be obvious to the reader when I’ve strayed from the path of truth.

  Regarding names: I’ve changed some and kept others. When I felt the use of a real name might cause embarrassment, I changed it. I altered a few descriptions for the same reason.

  What I didn’t change was the sense of freedom I felt as a child. I don’t know what today’s children will remember. I suspect their recollections will consist mostly of one carefully scripted day after another, of tediously regimented weeks, of dampened opportunities for spontaneity and unbridled fun. I sometimes wonder if my generation was the last one to live freely, before the “child industry” seduced parents into spending vast amounts of money to ensure their child’s emotional well-being. The timing of my birth couldn’t have been better—with no one guiding my every step, my childhood was one of unrelieved and happy chaos.

  It’s been said that a miserable life makes for good writing. If that is so, my parents failed to groom me for this vocation. They did, however, prepare me for deep satisfaction. For that, and for much more, I dedicate this book to them, Norman and Gloria Gulley, in hopes they’ll forgive me for exaggerating their peculiarities in order to earn my living.

  I dedicate this book also to the memory of Jim Land, educator and friend, who left this world too soon.

  Chapter 1

  My Perilous Start

  When I was four months old, a few days after a photographer had taken my baby picture, my father lost his job. When the photographer returned bearing the proofs for my parents to choose from, they could no longer afford the photos. The man took pity and gave them a proof for free, which my parents displayed on our living room wall, alongside pictures of my siblings. I wore a cute little Onesie. My right hand was extended in a posture of blessing, a beatific smile lay upon my features, purple ink etched the word PROOF across my belly. Adding to this indignity, I was afflicted with cradle cap, which, in combination with a stray shadow, gave me the appearance of wearing a yarmulke. I looked like a miniature rabbi whom the Lord, in that fickle way of the Divine, had placed among the Gentiles. Like my brothers and sister, I was baptized Catholic, though I now believe that was done to throw me off.

  When I was old enough to notice my picture, I asked why I was branded so peculiarly.

  Glenn, my oldest brother, took it upon himself to explain this and other mysteries to me. “You’re not one of us,” he said. “Someone left you in a banana box on our front porch.”

  “We thought someone had given us bananas,” my father said. “It was a real disappointment.”

  Shaken by this revelation, I looked at my mother.

  “We love you just the same,” she said, patting me on the head.

  Thus, I was as Moses among the Egyptians, set adrift in the reeds, a stranger in a strange land.

  As a young child I was prone to illness, lurching from one infirmity to another. After one was healed, another rose and took its place. When I was finally healed of the cradle cap, my eyes became inexplicably crossed and my legs turned inward. My mother drove me to Indianapolis to the Shimp Optical Company, where I was fitted with binocular-like glasses. A few weeks later, splints were lashed to my legs and I lay on my back for several days, like a bug-eyed beetle stunned by a spritz of Raid, which is where I was when John F. Kennedy was shot. But I had my own problems and gave his predicament little thought.

  In addition to my poor vision and limited mobility, I had a profound speech impediment and could barely make myself understood. My parents employed a speech therapist who came to our home each Thursday and had me repeat words with the letter r.

  “The wed caw dwove down the gwavel woad,” I would say, over and over again.

  The therapist, a Mr. Wobewt Fowtnew, eventually diagnosed me with a weak tongue that couldn’t curl sufficiently to make the r sound. He advised my mother to have me take up bubble gum and brought a bag of Bazooka each week for me to chew. This gave me little incentive to correct the problem, and I continued to suffer.

  Suffering was the common theme of that decade—the 1960s. Although my parents tried to hide its more violent aspects from us, I sensed something nefarious was under way. It had been our custom to watch Walter Cronkite after supper, but more and more often my siblings and I were shooed outside to play, where we would consult with the other children about world affairs.

  Tom Keen—who lived three doors down, was four years older than I, and knew everything there was to know—told us we were at war, fighting the communists in Vietnam. I wasn’t sure who the communists were, but knew they were bad since we had drills at school in the event they attacked us. Ours was a passive resistance—we crouched in the hallway, hands over our heads, until the theoretical bombs stopped falling and Mr. Michaels, our principal, came on the intercom to tell us it was safe to return to our desks.

  Mr. Vaughn, our immediate neighbor, blamed every social ill on the commies. I deduced from him that communists had long hair, didn’t bathe, listened to rock music, and lived, not only in Vietnam, but also in California, which I looked up in the atlas my father kept next to his recliner. California seemed perilously close, less than a foot from Indiana. I would lie awake at night, worrying about the communists and their near proximity.

  The communists weren’t the only threat to our well-being. Mr. Vaughn also warned us about the Japanese. “Gotta watch those little Nippers. Turn our backs on ’em for a second and they’ll sneak attack us. Feisty little devils, the whole lot of ’em.” Mr. Vaughn had a German shepherd named King, ostensibly to protect him against the Japanese and communists. But I fed him dog biscuits through the fence and we were thicker than thieves, King an
d I.

  Despite these threats to my well-being, I reached the age of seven and went with my father to the town dump on a Saturday morning in search of a bicycle. Doc Foster, our town’s garbage man, guided us past heaps of trash, scavenging various parts of bicycles until we had enough components to fashion suitable transportation. It was, when we finished assembling it, an object of kaleidoscope beauty—a Schwinn Typhoon, consisting of a green, slightly bent frame, two tires of differing sizes, a blue back fender and a yellow front one, and Sting-Ray handlebars. The bike lacked a seat, adding to its uniqueness, so I learned to ride standing up.

  Thus equipped, I set out with my brothers to explore our surroundings, riding east down Mill Street and north on Jefferson to the Danner’s Five and Dime, where we visited the parrots and listened while hoodlums taught them dirty words. The hoodlums not only led the birds astray, they played pinball, an activity I have ever since associated with moral delinquency.

  Across Main Street from Danner’s was Lemmie Chalfant’s plumbing shop, where Lemmie’s wife, Violet, planted geraniums in a toilet bowl on the sidewalk outside their front door. Three doors south of the plumbing shop was the Buckhorn Bar. We would pause from our travel and peer into the smoky recesses of the tavern, watching the ghostly figures move about, the silence punctuated by an occasional burst of wild, intoxicated laughter. We were captivated by the depravity—swearing parrots, the swirl of tavern smoke, the yeasty scent of beer spilling through the door of the Buckhorn onto the town square—and would stand at the door until the bartender, Raymond Page, yelled at us to leave.

  Kitty-corner from the Buckhorn was the Abstract and Title Building, in whose basement Floyd Jennings sold bicycles to the rich kids, the very bikes we peasants would eventually cannibalize, living off the dregs of other people’s prosperity. The rich kids lived on Broadway Street, which the old timers called Millionaires’ Row. When the town was platted, it had been named South Street, but when the moneyed class settled there, they desired a more illustrious address and the name was changed to Broadway.

  It was nine blocks long, on the south side of town, running parallel to Main Street. Smack in the center of Broadway sat the county jail, where Sheriff Merle Funk and his family lived in the front rooms and the prisoners resided in the rear. On the street side of the jail was a dog kennel, where the police dog lived. The dog had misplaced loyalties and would hurl himself at the fence in a mad effort to rip out the throats of elderly women strolling past, while being positively friendly to the inmates. The inmates appreciated his devotion and, not wanting to hurt the dog’s feelings, never tried escaping.

  My brothers and I would pedal our bicycles by the jail, stopping to aggravate the dog before entering the prosperous end of Broadway, riding through a tunnel of oak and maple trees, past movie-star homes with large porches set back from the street. It was clear we were trespassers, that we didn’t belong there with our cobbled-together bicycles. I imagined what it might be like living in one of those houses, like Richie Rich, who I’d read about at the Danner’s Five and Dime, even though Tom Keen had told me that reading a comic book without paying for it was against the law, the same as stealing.

  One summer afternoon, while riding down Broadway, I stopped to rest. The disadvantage of riding a bicycle with no seat was that periodic breaks were required to restore one’s vigor. A lady exited a home and walked down her sidewalk, greeting me as she approached. To my surprise, she knew my name, though she didn’t say how. She was very kind and lovely, in a refined sort of way. I never told anyone about her, but suspected she was my real mother, who’d been caught up in a torrid affair of which I was the product, and to avoid scandal she’d left me in a banana box on the doorstep of a poor family, where I would not be materially blessed, but would be loved, for the most part.

  For the next few years, I expected her to reclaim me, to rescue me from the Papists, and take me to my true home, where I would be given my rightful due—a new, one-color bicycle with its very own seat, all the Richie Rich comic books I could read, and various other treasures beyond my current reach. But apparently my real mother loved me too much to uproot me, so I was raised among the Gentiles and learned their ways, though always in the back of my mind was the conviction that my true home was on Broadway Street, among the well-to-do.

  Chapter 2

  Our New Digs

  In the winter of 1970, when I was nine years old, our family moved across town to Broadway Street. Like every momentous event of my youth, a myth soon developed around that occurrence, and for a number of years I was led to believe my father had won the house in a poker game. Dad had a flair for enriching the most mundane events with bald exaggerations, all of which I believed. The poker story made a certain sense to me—the change in our circumstances was so magical it defied any logical explanation. It was the stuff of fairy tales, as if a prince had knocked on our door and placed the glass slipper on our foot for a perfect fit.

  In later years, I would accompany my father on his Saturday morning visits to the First National Bank, where, Margery Poer, the teller, would give me a root beer sucker, then transact business with my father while I watched. When I grew old enough to know what the word mortgage meant, I knew we had gotten our house the same way everyone else had gotten theirs, through hard work and monthly payments. But my dad was a storyteller, and winning it in a poker game seemed so much more exotic. That was the history I preferred.

  Before we moved into the house, we went to view it. The key to the front door was a skeleton key that had been lost shortly after the house was built in 1913. The previous owners had moved and taken the back door key with them, leaving the house open to whomever wanted to poke around. This open-door policy continued for as long as my parents lived there. They’ve returned home to find a woman afflicted with Alzheimer’s drinking coffee in their kitchen, a peeping Tom in a closet, shirt-tail relatives, neighborhood children, and a snake. Each intrusion was handled with an unruffled poise—the Alzheimer’s lady was returned to the nursing home, the peeping Tom sent packing, the relatives and neighborhood children fed, the snake cornered and set loose behind the barn. So on our first visit we did what everyone else felt free to do—walked right in and went to snooping.

  My initial impression of our new home was one of vastness. Everything about the house was writ large—the front parlors, the staircase, the two fireplaces, the porch, the attic, the towering trees on the three-acre lawn, the barn—great yawning expanses of house and yard. It seemed, to my nine-year-old sensibilities, as if we had purchased a castle.

  While we children explored the house, my parents walked from room to room flipping on a light switch here, turning on a faucet there. “Looks fine to me,” my father announced after a few moments.

  “What about those water stains?” asked my mother, peering at the kitchen ceiling. For the next thirty-four years, the stains would appear, disappear, then reappear mysteriously at the worst possible time, usually before a dinner party.

  My father stared at the ceiling. “That’s nothing, Glo. A little paint will cover that right up.”

  Paint was Dad’s answer to every household repair. Layer upon layer, applied to leaking pipes, dented plaster, and rotting, creaking boards. “Yep, a little paint and we’re good as new,” he said, fingering a chunk of broken mortar in the living room fireplace.

  I was too excited about the bedrooms to notice any imperfections. After nine years of sharing a bedroom with my three brothers, it appeared I was headed for private quarters. There were four bedrooms in the Broadway house. I did the math—a room for my parents, one for my sister, a room for my three brothers, which left one for me. The solitude would be a welcome change.

  I was the fourth of five children and was surrounded on all sides by my siblings, whom I loved, despite their eccentricities. The oldest was my sister, Jeanne, whom we called Chick. My brother Glenn followed her. He was the tallest kid in town and the star of the high school basketball team, helping secure their sole vi
ctory in his senior year. Doug was next and was the apple of our mother’s eye, owing to an obsessive-compulsive disorder that compelled him to keep our home spotlessly clean. We would have gotten him therapy, had his condition not been so helpful. Then I came along, remarkably free of abnormalities, followed by my brother David, the family artist, who, like many creative types, seemed to suffer inordinately, and was plagued with a spastic colon.

  Alas, my wish for solitude would go unmet. When we moved to our Broadway Street home, I would share a bedroom with David. For the next ten years, my nights would be a study in misery, clouds of noxious fumes sucking the air from my lungs, leaving me gasping for breath. As a child, I was slightly built and weak, which I now attribute to David’s bodily detonations.

  The evening we first visited the Broadway house, we noticed a barn set off to the side, behind the main house. It had a hayloft, a basketball hoop attached to the front, and, wonder of wonders, a stall for a horse, which began our campaign to persuade our parents to buy us one. My father handled our request with consummate skill, dangling the carrot of horse ownership ever before us while extracting a variety of concessions from us over the years. Our quest for a horse eventually took on pathetic dimensions. David began to imagine we actually had a horse, cutting out pictures of horses from magazines, trimming them carefully to fit in his wallet, and showing them to his friends. “This is me in the first grade, here’s a picture of my family on vacation, and this is Blackie, my horse.”