Without You I Have Nothing
Page 18
“Ssh.” Ignoring his pleas, Susie continued her patient patting and rocking.
“Let me be.”
Peter struggled against her but she only held his head more firmly against her breasts and rocked until he calmed. Then carefully, as if he were a baby, she undressed him, put him into bed and tucked him in.
Reaching out to her, he grasped her hand and begged, almost piteously. “Please, Susie. Please don’t leave me. I’m so frightened.”
Wordlessly, Susie stood there.
Having made a decision, quietly she shed her clothes. Then, completely naked she slipped into the bed with him and drew his head tightly against her naked breasts.
“You great big baby, I’m here. I won’t leave you.” She pulled his head up against her shoulder and patted him lightly. “You really do need me, don’t you?” She sounded as though she could not believe it.
Unable to answer as a weariness of soul overwhelmed him, Peter slept.
“Hey, wake up. You have a job to do. Get up.” Susie was enjoying her newfound role of mother. “Breakfast is here, so shower, shave and eat.”
Monday had arrived as she ripped the bedclothes back and smiled down at him.
“Don’t lie there looking all sad and sorry for yourself. Get up. It’s a beautiful sunrise.” With a twinkle in her eye, she added, “Didn’t you know you have a passenger - me? Now hurry up. It’s early, so we can get a good start.”
In the car park was a present for Peter. ‘We have a load for Sydney,’ is what the foreman had said. He hadn’t warned Peter what the load was. The chains were tight, the warning signs ‘LONG LOAD’ were in place and the twenty-five tons of pre-stressed concrete struts were ready for the trip.
All the instructions needed were in the note on the driver’s seat. ‘Take extreme care or the load will be pushing you hard. A driver will collect the truck from your workshop tomorrow morning. Don’t rush things. Remember this is an enormous load.’
“Goody, there’s a bed in here and a wireless too!” It was as if Susie had driven all thoughts of the trip to Bathurst from her mind.
“Same cab, Susie. However, a different trip entirely. Did you see what we are dragging?” Peter took her hand in his.
“This is going to be a really rugged trip, so you must agree to one rule before we start. It’s going to be slow, noisy and hot - that engine is really going to be working hard. Now if it gets too much you must tell me. I’ll pull over and get you home safely somehow.”
Peter tried to be cheerful, pretending he couldn’t remember what an ass he’d been and refusing to allow thoughts of Jennifer to enter his mind.
“Don’t be silly.”
“Susie, you don’t come if you don’t promise.”
“I promise,” she sighed. “But it sounds exciting.”
The grinding of gears and the howling of the stressed motor as they clawed their way up the never-ending hills did not worry her.
“Oh, look at those lambs. Isn’t that a beautiful creek? I didn’t realize… Isn’t that pretty?” Her cheerfulness made the hours pass.
“You're tired, Peter. Pull over and we’ll eat at the next place.” She was happily giving orders again.
“It’s a truckers’ joint.” Peter was reluctant to take her in there. “They’ll all think we are lovers.”
“Don’t care.” She surprised Peter as he felt her hand squeeze his knee. “They’ll all be envious.”
The sun had set as they reached the outskirts of Sydney, and the street lamps had been blazing for hours when the engine finally was hushed.
“That was some drive.” Susie patted the mudguard and turned to Peter. “You worked hard. I didn’t realize that trucking meant such hard work.”
“I’ll get my car and drive you home.”
She looked relieved. “You can soak while I get us something to eat. We have to talk.”
Peter’s face clouded over.
“Peter,” she sounded a warning, “You’ve got to talk. This weekend could have been a disaster ending with you in jail or worse.” To continue was unnecessary.
The hot bath was a luxury. He was enjoying soaking the tiredness out of his bones too much to complain when Susie strolled in. He made no complaint when she rolled up her sleeves.
“Okay, big boy, I'm here to do your back.” She massaged him across the shoulders and neck. Then with a smack and, “Food’s ready,” she left.
They avoided the topic that was uppermost in both their minds while they ate.
Suddenly over coffee, Peter’s conversation turned to the subject they had avoided. “Susie, about the other night, I should never…” and his voice trailed off.
Susie sprang to her feet. “You wash up. I need a bath.”
She took a long time and answered Peter’s teasing questions about ‘a massage’ and ‘a back rub’ with a screech. “Get back to the kitchen. You’re far too dangerous to allow in here.” Eventually, Susie joined Peter on the lounge.
Taking his hands gently in hers, she quietly asked, “Can you talk yet?”
He shook his head, doing nothing to encourage her curiosity.
“What is there to talk about?” He looked at her. The glare in her eyes made him drop his bravado and he added, “I don’t know.”
“All right then, I’ll make this easier for you. First - explain your back.”
Unwilling to reveal his story, Peter stared at her, wondering how little he had to reveal to stop this questioning. While he waited, trying to clear his mind, Susie gazed into his soul, willing him to answer.
“Well, my family was captured by communist criminals in Malaysia. My father was shot and I was flogged to make my mother submissive to the leader’s demands.” Peter’s head dropped and his eyes misted. He didn’t want to look at Susie as he spoke.
Knowing the distress caused by that answer, Susie dared not question more but she needed answers. “Is your mother alive? Have you any family at all?”
“My mother was shot in front of me and I am all alone - no family – nothing.” A suppressed sob welled up from Peter’s chest. He held his breath, trying to bring himself under control.
“I am not forgetting Friday night - and you should be ashamed of yourself terrorizing me like that.” Susie was not finished.
Peter hung his head, unable to look at her. She was right. He had terrorized her.
“You intended to rape me. Don’t deny it. I’m not stupid. Then suddenly you stopped before any damage was done and rushed off into the night,” Susie continued.
“That was not the behavior of the likeable Peter I know. Peter the gentleman, Peter the hero who rushes to a damsel’s aid with no thought for his own safety.” She paused to watch the effect of her words. “Don’t look embarrassed and get all brutish.”
She adjusted their positions until Peter lay with his head in her lap. Gently she stroked his forehead.
“There’s something wrong. There’s some hurt deep down inside and I don’t think it’s anything to do with this weekend.”
Peter tried to reply but she cut him short.
“This weekend, something happened to cause you to lose control, but the hurt is further in the past than this weekend.”
“Susie. What can I say?” Peter fought the feelings and the tears. “There’s really nothing. I was just worked up and angry.”
“That’s right, you were angry. Not with me, but you used me to work out your anger. You really were not the Peter I know. You had a wild look in your eyes and that was frightening. You looked as though someone had mortally wounded you and you acted like a wounded animal - ready to lash out at anything and everything that moved. Now, what hurt you?” She smiled wisely and added, “Jennifer?”
The hurt returned the anger and he was unable to prevent the words from bursting out.
“Bugger Jennifer! She can rot in hell.”
“Oh? Is that so?”
“The world does not revolve around Jennifer Blake. There is more to my life than that red-headed bitch.”
“That’s right, let it out. Go further back. The real hurt is not Jennifer - further back, go back further.” Sensing a slight change in his demeanor, she became silent, just cradling Peter’s head as he opened his mind to reveal all the ugliness.
“My mother insisted that Dad take her to the Cameron Highlands for the weekend - a second honeymoon she called it. He didn’t want to go as he’d promised to take me fishing, but she insisted. I believe it was a plan hatched between her and her criminal Chinese lover. Oh, yes, I knew she had a lover as he had forced me to put his penis in her mouth, her vagina or her anus by flogging me until I conformed. He flogged me to make her do his bidding!”
Susie heaved and her words, “Oh, God!” went unnoticed.
“Dad was murdered and my mother and I were with her lover for years. During that time, he flogged me to make her more passionate in response to his demands. When released after my mother’s tormentor had shot her, I was simply an embarrassment to the RAAF and I had no relations living who could take me in. No-one wanted me.”
Unable to continue, Peter sobbed uncontrollably for some minutes. Susie held him close to her and stroked his hair, calming him slowly. At last, he summoned some strength and sat up. Staring at the ceiling, his hand in hers, he continued.
“As I grew, I became more and more reserved. I soon learnt that showing my emotions gave people a chance to hurt me. Any time I grew fond of a family they moved me on as if God didn’t want me to form any relationships. I tried to make friends with girls but they all laughed at me and teased me that my parents were dead or that my mother had been a whore. Every time I began to care about someone, I met a blank wall and I hurt. Finally, I just gave up. I had become a joke.”
Susie interrupted his long tale of sadness. “You're no joke now, Peter. You're someone special for someone special.”
“Ha!” The bitterness mixed with salty tears, “That ‘someone special', as you call her, is a first rate, lying bitch.”
Susie recoiled from his vehemence but said nothing. Her stroking demanded he continue.
“I told her,” God, he was so bitter, “I told her I loved her - I loved her so much I hadn’t touched her. She said she was a virgin and I said I’d wait until we were married.”
Wide eyed, he stopped, realizing the implications of what he had blurted out. The thought of what he had done to Susie and what he had intended doing made his breakdown complete and he sobbed bitterly.
The rocking and the stroking continued. “Come on, there’s more yet.”
“Well,” slowly Peter returned to his story, “Jennifer called. No, I called her and the bitch was too busy to talk. She told me she was off to the airport to pick up someone special from Melbourne and demanded I meet the two of them Friday night. She was too excited to talk and it was obvious what this man meant to her. Christ, what a bitch!”
Susie stiffened and said nothing. She didn’t have any answers, so the best thing she could do for Peter was to remain silent and just listen.
“I went along to meet them in our usual place, knowing the pattern of my life was continuing, but in actual fact I was really fascinated that I couldn’t break free of the pattern. They didn’t see me. They were too engrossed in each other, too involved holding hands. Bloody hell! ‘Someone special’ is exactly what she called him.”
Between sobs, he retreated into his childhood for something to compare with such a loss.
“Christ, I wasn’t even allowed a kitten or puppy of my own.” He shook as he cried - there were no more dark corners.
Susie allowed his sobbing to die so that he had time to regain his composure. When she spoke, it was so kindly and so softly, he could have sworn she spoke as his mother.
“There’s still more. There’s still more. You took me off to rape me. I must know the lot. Otherwise I can’t help you because I still can’t understand.”
He had told so much of those parts of his life kept secret until now that Peter knew he had to tell the rest as it involved Susie. At least he owed her that much.
“I left. I couldn’t go across the room and talk to them. They weren’t the least interested in anyone else – I could see it was enough for them to be with each other. I got back to the workshop and rolled that bloody truck out.
“I wanted to kill myself. What was the use of continuing? The Gods were laughing at me. What a bloody good joke on me.
“I loved her - I hadn’t touched her although I was always on fire for her - and all the time she belonged to someone else. All I wanted to do was smash everything. What was the point? My mother didn’t want me. Jennifer definitely didn’t want me. I felt I couldn’t continue, but then you were there suddenly, standing there and offering to help by going with me. I was lashing out at women.”
He sat up and took Susie’s hands but still could not look at her. Head bowed he continued. “But why you, Susie? You’re the only woman who has accepted me as I am. You’ve been kind to me, kinder than I ever deserve and you cared for me. Yet, I was an animal.”
“Better me than someone else.” In her kindly way, she lifted his face to kiss his cheek. “I don’t believe you’d go well in jail. No,” she smiled and stood, “you’re far too sensitive.”
Their discussion had covered a lot of ground and it seemed to Susie a good time to use some simple culinary skills to soothe his distress in a more practical manner.
Peter allowed his thoughts to ramble until she returned with two steaming mugs of soup.
“Drink this and listen to me.” She was almost motherly. “You have been hurt so much you expect to be hurt.”
Peter sipped and listened. Perhaps she could produce the knife to slash the tangled web and set him free.
“Now as an adult you still expect to be hurt and it hurts more now. Just, look at yourself. You’re successful – you have a lot going for you. You're kind, considerate and thoughtful and by God, you would be an unbelievably incredible lover.”
She blushed a little – a rare thing for Susie. Still she stared at Peter. Putting down her soup, she stood and walked in front of him. Grasping his head in both hands, she held it so firmly that he felt he couldn’t escape the intensity of her gaze.
“Has that penetrated that thick head of yours? You have a lot more going for you than most, so now it’s time to get rid of the anger.”
She began shaking his head from side to side until he begged her to stop.
“Susie, stop! Stop, I understand.”
Susie laughed. “Now this ‘someone special’ that Jennifer mentioned. There are many reasons why she picked someone up at the airport. What if he was her boss?”
“A boss doesn’t slap her backside unless he owns her.”
Susie blanched but she would not stop. Ignoring his interjection, she continued. “You jump to one conclusion and are hurt. I suppose I can’t blame you. You’ve had no relationship in your life with which to judge this one.”
Peter could feel the tears beginning to flow once again. Susie’s countenance hardened.
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself or I’ll slap you hard.” Like a mother, she badgered him until he admitted that perhaps he might have been mistaken.
“Go on, Peter, don’t give up. Just because you’re an adult, you’ve given up fighting. If you want her, fight for her. She won’t throw herself into your lap. That’s not the way of women.”
They sat and talked into the night.
“Susie, how can I thank you? How do I show how very sorry I am for Friday night?” Peter didn’t know how to apologize. “I don’t deserve a friend like you.”
“I believe you have already thanked my husband and me. You secured him a marvelous position and the little I have done doesn’t repay you in the least.” She led Peter to the door.
“If you stand th
ere looking lost like that, I might just drag you back inside. Forget Friday night. I have. Actually, I realized how much you wanted me and I felt flattered. It did the old ego good.” She laughed at his surprise. “Now go home to bed.”
As she softly closed the door, she added, “Just be there when I need you.”
Chapter 7 The Little One Is Called
The next morning at work, Peter could have fainted. Yet another monster stood outside the workshop ready for delivery. The workers must have toiled overtime to get this one ready. His heart sank at the prospect of yet another drive.
Joe was not at all happy when he arrived. He snarled and growled at everyone, especially Peter.
Believing he’d wrecked everything he had struggled so hard to establish and wishing to make amends, Peter called Joe from the paint booth.
“Joe. Come upstairs, I want to talk.”
Joe didn’t look the least surprised as he walked into the apartment.
“I’m sorry for Friday. You’re a first class workman and an even better foreman. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you. Please, I’m so sorry for Friday. It’s just things got out of control.”
“Jennifer? Yes, I know.”
So Joe had known all this time. Peter supposed that being a married man he had been through it all.
“I worked Saturday and she rang first thing. Then she called in. There was a handsome young man in her Mini so I knew why you had exploded.” He laughed and, to Peter’s surprise, he found himself joining Joe’s laughter.
“Funny though, she was so worried - seemed frantic. Demanded to know where you were. Even rang the company in Bathurst on the office phone. She nearly went crazy when the foreman said…”
Peter’s first thought was that someone had mentioned Susie. Oh, my God they couldn’t have mentioned Susie. He tried to think whether Susie had been with him at the freight yard. Jennifer would never understand that.
“What did he say?”
“You hadn’t arrived,” Joe continued. “Jennifer wanted to launch a land and air search.”
They both chuckled. Joe sounded as though he had cracked a joke but Peter knew he was relieved that his boss was back safely.