Tougher Than The Rest

by Shirleen Davies

  And there was Jocelyn. Niall had decided he’d take Jocelyn to her place after the dance and ask her to marry him. That would put Kate far out of his mind and his reach.

  But here he was walking Kate onto the dance floor, and taking her in his arms. She looked right, felt right, and smelled right. He wanted her with an intensity he’d never felt for any woman before, not even Camille. It was sobering, but it was the truth. He’d made it a point to never get involved with married women, preferring his relationship with Gloria. The only innocent he’d ever been with was his bride, Camille. He needed to stop this insanity before he crossed the line, and made everyone’s life more complicated.

  “You’re a good dancer, Mr. MacLaren.” His movements were fluid as he led her around the floor to a slow tune.

  “I would prefer it if you’d call me Niall. After all, I can’t very well call you by your married name, since we don’t know it.”

  Kate had to laugh at the logical statement. “All right, Niall then. Did your mother teach you to dance?”

  He stared down at her for a bit before answering. “Yes. She’d learned when she was young, and was determined to see her boys grow up with civilized skills. After she died, and we moved to the ranch, Aunt Alicia took up the job with a vengeance. I can be civilized when the occasion calls for it, Kate.”

  Her name rolling from his lips sent a chill through her. It was only a name, but coming from Niall, it seemed so much more. She shut her eyes to clear her head and focus on his comment. She had no doubt he could be very civilized and charming. According to town gossip, every unattached woman under thirty-five was in mourning that he seemed to have settled on Jocelyn. Kate tried not to care, but there was an ache in the area of her heart when she thought of the two of them together. Yes, leaving the ranch would be the best for all of them.

  They were quiet for the rest of the dance. He pulled her closer and lowered his head to her hair. It was soft and still smelled of sunshine, even though the sun had vanished hours ago. His hand rubbed slow circles low on her back, and she rested her head on his chest. Niall slowed their pace. The music stopped. He continued to hold her, longer than necessary, before she raised her head and stared into his intense green eyes.

  The truth hit Kate hard and fast. She was in love with this man and there was no hope for it.

  It took all his will power not to lower his head for the kiss he knew they both wanted. He recognized desire when he saw it, and what he saw in Kate’s eyes mirrored his own—but not here, not ever. Niall released Kate, walked her to her seat, made a slight bow, and headed back to Jocelyn.

  “Do you mind telling me what that was about?” Jocelyn was irritated at the obvious display on the dance floor.

  “I don’t know what you’re asking, Jocelyn. She is a guest in my home, and Beth’s governess. It was proper to ask her for a dance, and that’s all it was.” He hated being questioned about his relationships and would not be drawn into a discussion about Kate, especially with Jocelyn.

  Jocelyn scowled at him, but decided it wasn’t worth pursuing. They were seeing each other for reasons beyond a romantic involvement, and if he wanted one, two, or three whores on the side, what did it matter to her? All she would ask of him, if they married, was that he keep his liaisons discreet.

  Niall’s eyes drifted back to the dance floor and landed on Kate, again in the arms of Sam Browning. He guessed this was their third or fourth dance and his gut twisted. He excused himself and moved to the bar for one more drink to calm his growing anger, before he did something stupid that he’d regret.

  “Do you want to tell me what that was about?” Gus was at his side, staring straight at Kate, the same as Niall. The long-time ranch foreman didn’t miss much when it came to the MacLaren boys.

  “Hell, Gus, you, too?” Niall poured a whiskey and downed it in one swallow.

  “She’s a beauty, no doubt about that, but trouble. Big time trouble if you ask me.”

  “Well no one is asking you. Besides, you know as well as I do that I’ll be asking Jocelyn to marry me soon.” Niall started to grab the bottle for one more shot, but Gus’s hand clamped on his arm before he could pour.

  “Trust me, you don’t want another drink. Go get Jocelyn and walk her home. Ask what you came here to ask her, then ride home and sleep it off. If marrying the van Deelin woman is what you want, then it’s time to move on it and let any feelings for Kate go.”

  Niall just stared at Gus. Of course that’s what he wanted. It’s what he’d wanted for some time now. Gus was right. Time to move on it.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Kate helped gather Beth and, along with Alicia, boarded the wagon for the ride home. Funny how she called it home, even as she knew her time there was short. Her inquiries regarding open positions had proven fruitful. Two families were seeking live-in help for their children. Both were ranchers who lived miles from town and the regular school. One had two children and the other had three. She needed to learn more about each, but before she did anything further, she needed to determine if they were close friends of the MacLaren’s. They must know each other, but she didn’t want to pit one family against the other, even though she knew that Niall would be glad she was leaving.

  The dance with Niall had been eye opening, at least for her. The attraction she felt for him was too strong, and she was afraid––afraid love for him would cloud her reason. She couldn’t afford to do anything stupid.

  Once Beth was settled in bed, Kate built a fire in her room. She dressed in a lightweight gown, removed the pins from her hair, and brushed it for several minutes before finishing with a braid. She walked to the bed, pulled back the covers, and snuggled beneath them before opening a book, hoping to rest her mind and find sleep. But it wouldn’t come. Kate turned the lamp off and burrowed deeper under the blankets.

  Sometime later, she was still in the same position, and wide awake. She knew Niall had left the dance with Jocelyn about the same time their own wagon had started for the ranch. She’d been home over two hours and still had heard no sounds indicating Niall had returned. Perhaps Alicia’s guess was right, and he had asked Jocelyn to marry him. The pain in her heart was immediate and intense. How had she let this happen? She closed her eyes and willed her brain to turn off, but all she could see was Niall with Jocelyn, holding her, smiling into her eyes when she said yes to his request to marry, kissing her. Niall with Jocelyn, and not with her.

  She heard a door open, then close, and footsteps coming up the steps. Niall walked past her room and hesitated for a minute. Kate’s heart stopped, and she held her breath. Would he knock, ask to see her? No. It was just a short pause, a few seconds, before he walked on to his own room and closed the door. Her heart sank.

  Kate snuggled deeper into the soft bed and closed her eyes. She tried to sleep—willed herself to sleep—but the events of the night wouldn’t be stilled. Impatient with herself, Kate gave up, threw off the covers, and walked to the fireplace. She added a couple more logs and stoked the fire, stood, watching as the flames rose, bathing the room in a warm glow. She heard her doorknob turn, and the door open. Niall stood inside her room in bare feet, dressed only in his dress pants.

  His skin was darkened from the summer months of working without a shirt. His body was muscled from the heavy work a ranch required. His dark hair was tousled as if he, too, had been lying awake in bed, unable to sleep. His arms hung limp at his sides. His expressive green eyes bored into hers as she turned to face him.

  Does she know that with the fire behind her, I can see right through that nightdress? It was as if she had nothing on. Even as he advanced toward her, he knew he shouldn’t have come. This was wrong in so many ways. But his body had a mind of its own and he was unable to deny it.

  He’d taken Jocelyn home, but after an hour Niall still hadn’t been able to work up the will to ask her to marry him. The words wouldn’t form in his mouth. She’d prattled on about the dance, the boring townspeople, the utter lack of significant social
functions, and how she wondered why so many families kept their children at home instead of sending them to boarding schools, as was the custom back east. The last remark finally got his attention. He had no intention of sending his daughter away, and needed to get the issue settled before asking Jocelyn to marry him. He’d said his goodbyes and ridden back to the ranch, thinking about Kate the entire time. He thought of the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed, her patience teaching Beth, the kindness she’d shown Alicia, and her willingness to pitch in, as if she were a real part of the family. He couldn’t get the images of her at the dance out of his mind—images of her laughing, moving without effort around the dance floor, relaxed and confident as she spoke with the other men. He should’ve been the one dancing with her all night. He wanted Kate to look at him and laugh the way she did with the other men. He wanted…

  Now he was in her room, half dressed, and wanting nothing more than to pick her up and take her to bed. He advanced slowly, waiting for her to make a sound, to tell him to stop, but she just watched him advance.

  “I shouldn’t be here,” Niall whispered. “You belong to someone else.”

  Kate said nothing, just continued to stare into those dark pools of emerald green. Niall stopped a couple of feet away.

  “We don’t have a future.” His throat worked as the words came out. He wanted, needed, Kate to understand that the pull between them, if they acted on it, wouldn’t change his plans. He advanced until she was only inches away. “Tonight won’t change anything,” he rasped, the words barely discernible. “We can only have this one night.”

  Still, Kate stood without speaking. Nothing would come. She wanted him to be here, wanted him to touch her. She knew what Niall said was true, only one night, but her mind could not coerce the words from her mouth, the words that would stop him. Kate stood her ground, a small nod indicating she had heard him.

  Niall took a deep, ragged breath before bringing a hand up to caress her face, cup her cheek. Kate closed her eyes and leaned into his warm palm. Niall then did what he’d wanted to do for weeks. He reached behind her, pulled the braid forward, and unwrapped it, taking his time. He slid his right hand to encircle the back of her neck and captured the soft, inviting locks that shone in the firelight. He ran the strands through his fingers as if he had all night, repeating the process over and over, as he’d done in his fantasies.

  Kate’s head fell back and a moan escaped her lips. Taking his time, Niall pulled her to him and captured her mouth for a long kiss, marveling at her response. She felt herself melt into him. This time her lips opened willingly.

  Niall became more demanding, eager to take what he’d wanted for weeks. His left hand pressed against her back to draw her flush against him. He could feel her breasts, soft and compliant against his chest, and at that moment he knew he wouldn’t turn back––not unless she pushed him away.

  Kate could feel Niall’s arousal through her gown. She’d never felt this before; she knew it instantly. This feeling was something that couldn’t be suppressed, even with a loss of memory. It was too strong. Her arms were around his neck but she had no idea how they’d gotten there. All she knew was that she didn’t want him to break the kiss or the warmth of contact between her body and his. She was vaguely aware of his left hand leaving her back, moving over her stomach to cup her right breast, creating a trail of heat. He caressed it gently, enjoying the fullness. Her knees gave way and he caught her, lifted her in his arms, and carried her to the bed.

  Niall set her down and stared into her passion filled eyes. “Tell me to stop, Kate. Tell me to go back to my room, that you don’t want this.” Niall was almost pleading for a way out.

  Kate’s eyes met his, sure and steady. “I do want this, Niall. I want you.”

  The little will power he had left snapped. He grabbed the hem of her gown, pulled it up and over her head, and let it drop in a pool by the bed. She wore nothing underneath. Niall could barely breathe. God help him, she was perfect. “Ah Kate, you are so very beautiful.”

  She edged closer to him and grazed his chest with her fingers. Her touch was gentle, tentative. She brought her other hand up and pressed both flat onto his broad chest to cover the dark, course hair. She took her time running her hands across it, feeling the difference between her and Niall. He groaned, captured her hands to kiss each finger, and pushed her back onto the bed.

  Kate watched him undress. He climbed onto the bed, stretching out so they lay face to face, body to body. He kissed her. Soft kisses that wandered over her lips, her cheeks, down her neck and chest, and lingered on her breasts, his tongue teasing. Kate moaned in pleasure and pushed herself against him. He took his time, moving to the other breast and repeating the process. His right hand made circles on her stomach then moved lower.

  “Open for me, Kate.” It was all the invitation she needed. Kate would have done anything for him at that moment. She gasped as his ministrations created a heat that took her by surprise.

  “Niall. Please…” Kate pleaded, her voice so low he barely heard as he kept up the pleasurable torture.

  “Have you never felt like this, Kate?”

  Kate shook her head in slow movements from side to side as a soft moan escaped her lips. She had no idea what was happening, but the heat was building, the sensations growing. Her back arched. Release came as a surprise, startling his name from her lips.

  The vibrations continued to move through her then subsided gradually. Kate became aware of Niall moving over her and positioning himself above her. Reality hit hard as Kate realized what he was doing. “Niall, wait. I need time. I’m not ready.”

  Misinterpreting her meaning he whispered into her ear, “Ah, Kate, you couldn’t be more ready for me. But, if you want me to stop, say so now, and I will,” Niall rasped, finding it hard to maintain control.

  Kate’s breathing had slowed and her fogged mind began to clear. No, she didn’t want Niall to stop. She wanted this man and this night. Their eyes met and locked. “I want you, Niall. I want this.”

  Niall took a steadying breath as he eased into her with one sure stroke. It happened so fast he almost missed the barrier he had no idea was there. Kate gasped. Her eyes squeezed shut. What the hell, thought Niall?

  He was stunned by the revelation that Kate had been a virgin. He stilled, waiting for Kate to adjust to him and relax.

  “Kate?” Niall asked. She opened her eyes to see concern etched on his face.

  “Don’t stop, Niall. Please don’t stop,” she pleaded when she realized what he was asking. His smile was filled with tenderness as he accepted her answer.

  Her muscles eased and he started to move in and out in a gentle rhythm. Kate found she had begun to match his strokes.

  Niall had never experienced anything this intense with a woman. She gave back everything he was giving her. It was natural, not forced––and it was her first time.

  Kate felt the same warmth as before, only this was more powerful. Niall continued to move with her, increasing his pace until his neck muscles were taut and his body strained. Kate’s release the second time was even more intense. She chanted his name, over and over. Moments later Niall followed her to his own release.

  ******

  Niall pushed off Kate, rolled to his back, and placed his arm across his eyes, his emotions raging. This night, with Kate, was more passionate than anything he’d ever felt. He was more fulfilled than at any time before, but also more confused. There was no future with this woman. Even with what they’d learned tonight, there was still good reason to believe she belonged to someone else, and if his future unfolded as expected, he would marry another. No matter how he felt about Kate, no matter how much he wanted her, he couldn’t let his emotions rule his mind.

  “Kate?” Niall didn’t turn to her.

  “Don’t say it, Niall. Please don’t say it.” Kate lay beside him, watching the internal struggle play across his face, all the while knowing she would lose. At least now she knew for certain she’d been
a virgin, possibly never been married. Before tonight, she’d longed to have a chance with Niall. Now she knew the likelihood of her being married to someone else was slim, but he was lost to her anyway. He’d made it clear when he stepped across her threshold that there was no future for them. They had only this one time of shared pleasure. She had accepted it, and now she would have to live with her decision.

  Niall rolled off the bed and began to dress, his movements slow, his guilt immense. He was the worst kind of bastard, he knew it, but still, he was determined to move forward with Jocelyn.

  “I know you must hate me, Kate,” his words were clear but the defeat in his voice pierced her heart.

  “No, Niall, I don’t hate you. I wanted this, with you. How could I hate you?” Kate struggled to control the tears that threatened.

  “But you were a virgin. How could that be?”

  “I don’t know, but does it matter? Perhaps my husband died before our wedding night. Perhaps mine is a marriage of convenience or the ring was given to me as a gift. It doesn’t change the fact that someone may still be waiting for me.” The sadness Niall heard in her words nearly broke him.

  The best thing he could do was end this, now. It was Sunday. He’d invite Jocelyn to dinner and ask her to marry him with everyone present, put a stop to this insanity, and build a final barrier between him and Kate.

  “Please try to understand, Kate. I won’t love again. I gave everything I had to Camille. Now I must do what’s best for Beth, and the rest of my family. There’s nothing left to give to you. I’m going to ask Jocelyn to marry me.” Niall tried to see Kate’s face, but she turned away.

  “I understand, Niall. We both know my future is uncertain. You and your family have done so much, and I’m truly grateful. But, you’re right. You don’t love me, and never will. I don’t belong to you and you don’t belong to me.” She was thankful the fire had died down. Tears rolled down her face, but Niall couldn’t see them in the darkened room.