Ridley Uncovered

by Peyton Miller

  At the next block, I turned right, though I should go straight. The move was made to throw off anyone following. About ten feet down the block I stopped and stood in a doorway as I waited for my stalker. I was being a dimwitted idiot, and I was embarrassing myself, but I couldn’t stop.

  The door behind me opened and I almost fell into the person’s house. I let out a little shriek and rushed away. I was acting crazy. No one knew I was gay, and so what if they did?

  There was a trio of teenagers who came at me laughing out loud. I had no idea what they were talking about, but I feared it was me. I caught two words “at school” and knew they weren’t even paying attention to me or my plight. Again, I was being stupid. Fear over my dad finding out I’d fucked a guy hovered over me, pressing me on all sides.

  There was a bunch of builders who were taking a break from working to wolf whistle a busty brunette. I guessed the woman might be in her thirties or forties. Would she take the whistling as a compliment or be insulted? And why did I care? My mind was buzzing fast as my paranoia built.

  There were lots of people on the streets. This was Birmingham during the rush hour after all. I glanced around, but I couldn’t see anybody I knew. Perhaps it was a false alarm, me feeling paranoid. But still, it was best to be careful. I had a secret that would get me kicked out of my house, and that was why I couldn’t go running around the city with Damon on my arm.

  I turned and thought I saw a guy from work. He was an ass, a real wanker. I picked up my pace and turned off down a narrow alleyway which looked deserted. I hid around the corner, waiting for him to pass. It was my second time to act like a paranoid idiot. Why was I behaving so erratically? Maybe I needed to grab a pint to calm down. What I really wanted was to kiss Damon, that would get me to calm down in a way that would also excite me.

  I was about to move on when I heard the sharp click of a shoe on pavement. My heart raced, and I thought about running.

  This was too much. So what if that wanker from work knew I was gay. Bravery built and I decided I wasn’t going to hide. I couldn’t keep running. It was too stressful.

  I stepped out, ready to face my tormentor and stepped right into the busty woman the builders had whistled at.

  She shrieked, I shrieked, we both shrieked again. She held up her hand and anger filled me.

  “Stop following me,” I yelled.

  “I-I just h-had to…,” the woman stammered. Her eyes were puffy, and she reached out to grab me, but I jumped back. Had my dad sent someone after me? Did he know what I’d done? My bravery fled. I couldn’t come out.

  “For fuck’s sake, stop. Leave me alone, or I’ll call the police,” I shouted.

  Tears filled her eyes. “Maybe this was a mistake.”

  “You’re damned right it’s a mistake. Now, piss off.” Anger made me shake, and maybe I’d yelled too loudly. I didn’t want to be a jerk, but I was afraid someone would find out.

  She sighed, and more tears ran down her cheeks. I felt terrible, but before I could stop her, she was gone. I rubbed my forehead wondering what was wrong with me. I’d scared that woman when I’d taken my frustrations out on her.

  The walk home was filled with more paranoia and misgivings. When had it all gone wrong? Had it started with going to that club in Manchester?

  My brain was overloaded when I stepped into the house. I was surprised to find the living room full. There was no one I recognized as I glanced around.

  Dad had been kneeling and stood up, his smile wide. “Ah, Ridley, you’re home earlier than usual.”

  “Am I?” I asked. Then, before my father could answer, I asked him, “Who are your friends?”

  “Friends is a very good word for these fine people. They’re all part of my congregation, which you would know if you came more regularly. We’re praying for Simon here. He needs help. He’s fallen on a wrong path, and we’re going to make him right again.” Dad patted an embarrassed looking man on the shoulder.

  “Really?” I asked, anger building.

  “Yes, he’s confused. Thinks he’s interested in men. We’re trying to help him figure out when he decided to be gay and make him see he can change.”

  A warning went off in my head, telling me to race upstairs. I ignored it. “Have you told him how being gay isn’t biological, it’s just a choice?” My heart was thudding so hard as anger pumped through me.

  Dad nodded. “We most certainly have. Thank you for bringing it up again. See, it’s not right. And it’s an affront to God. There is no greater sin than being gay,” Dad said sternly, underlining his point by waving his finger and finally poking the air at the end of his sentence.

  “What about bestiality? Or rape? Or murder?” I challenged. Maybe I should have listened to that voice in my head and run upstairs and let him have his little meeting. Perhaps I should have stayed quiet and grabbed some sad stew. My dad was a pastor, and maybe this was what he was supposed to be doing, but I was tired of the condemnation and lies.

  “Ah well I….” Dad’s smile started to fade.

  If I’d stopped for a pint, I wouldn’t have witnessed this. Part of me wanted to turn around and leave, ignoring my dad and his crazy congregation, but I continued.

  “How many of those lesser sins would you have to do for it to add up to being gay? I suppose if you raped a sheep after killing the shepherd, you’d be able to save some time by ticking off a few of those lesser sins in one go. More efficient, yes? Or would you just count it as bestiality rather than rape?” My hands shook and my brain buzzed. Perhaps I should have stopped. I was outnumbered, but I was sick and tired of this shit, so I continued. “Maybe you’d have to rape the shepherd after killing him. That way you’d get necrophilia too. Mind you, unless it’s a shepherdess, we’d be back to being gay again, and that’s a no-no which is so obvious now.”

  Dad chuckled nervously and glanced around to his friends. “Well, what I meant was…erm, perhaps you’d like to come and join us, Ridley?”

  I looked around the room. The expressions on the faces of the Bible bashers gathered there made it clear none of them wanted me to join in on their fun.

  A middle-aged woman with dyed black hair stood up and cleared her throat. “Actually, it’s getting quite late. I think I’ll be going now.”

  On her way out, she turned to me and nodded slightly. “Lovely to meet you, Ridley.”

  Before she left, I called to her. “You do know that it’s a sin to lie, right? Not as bad as being gay, true, but maybe it’s on a par with pig fucking.”

  Dad’s mouth hung open and his face turned red. “How dare you use such vile language in my house.”

  With Dad’s outburst, the other members of the congregation stood up and made their excuses to leave. They filed out quickly, most leaving without saying goodbye. We were alone, Dad huffing with his face red, me wondering if I’d pushed too hard or not hard enough. Who was I going to be? On the one hand, the meek person who lived with dad had some amount of expected safety. Being the man who could hug Damon in public was dangerous. I was a far cry from being open about being gay, but this was a step in that direction and it felt oddly good.

  I huffed out a breath and continued, anger fueling my words. “How dare I? How about how dare you? All that bollocks about being gay being a choice and then saying there’s no greater sin. Where the hell does it say that in the Bible, or did you come up with that shit all by yourself?”

  “I’m trying to save his soul,” Dad protested. He was angrier than I’d ever seen him. The sadistic side of me wanted to poke him more.

  “You’re not. You’re just messing with his head. I mean, it was bad enough me knowing what you do at your church, but to come home and see it here? I don’t want that in my home,” I snapped. My God, I was being a cheeky little bastard.

  “Your house? Your house? I don’t see your name on the mortgage. Besides, why do you care so much about this?” Dad’s question stunned me.

  “W-why do I care? Fuck off, Dad. And take your shit
ty Irish stew with you.” A buzzing feeling started at the back of my brain. It twisted through me, and I clenched my fists. I caught a glimpse of a photo of my mom. She wouldn’t want this. Dad had told me how sweet she was, non-violent, perfect. And here I was being a total jerk. My anger was going to make me do something stupid, so I forced myself to be calm, but it was too late.

  “Get out,” Dad roared as he pointed towards the door.

  Yep, way too late.

  “But…I’ve got nowhere else to go.” There was a part of me that didn’t want to stay, but where would I sleep.

  “You should have thought about that before you embarrassed me tonight with your vile outburst.”

  I shook my head and walked to the door. I glanced up to my room, wondering if he would let me get my stuff. He was still pointing at the door, so I tugged it open. I was sad and angry. My dad was wrong, but I knew he would never listen to me. I shut the door and it was pulled open behind me.

  “You can come back when you’re ready to apologize to me and my congregation. When you’re ready to stand up and tell them you are wrong about gay people. That there is no greater sin,” Dad yelled as I stepped off the stoop.

  The door slammed shut. The sound of the lock clicking into place was a reminder of how dumb I’d been. I sighed and closed my eyes. Letting my head fall back, I stood still, listening to the sounds of the city. People were coming home, and soon they’d be tucked in, warm and secure with their family. I had nothing now; no family, no home. I’d mucked it up big time.

  “Fuck. What have I done?” Bitching about dad and his homophobia had seemed right at the time, but now I was alone, homeless, and I didn’t have any of my shit. How had I gotten this far away from what I’d wanted to accomplish. Today was just a bad decision day. First, I’d fucked Damon at work then told him I didn’t want a relationship. Then I’d come home to dad and his anti-gay crew and let my tongue loose. Worse, I hadn’t even had a pint. How freaking sad was I? Dad still didn’t know I was gay, he just thought I sided with them. I couldn’t get anything right, not even getting kicked out.

  Chapter Ten

  I had to find a place to stay. I scrolled through the contacts on my phone. The truth was, I had very few friends. It was hard to make true friends when I had so much trouble being honest about myself with other people. They noticed something was wrong and then they stopped calling.

  As I scrolled through the few numbers stored on my mobile, I hovered for a while over Damon’s number. Should I call him? Would Damon allow me to crash on his couch…or even in his bed for a while?

  No, I couldn’t. I’d made it very clear to Damon that it was just sex and nothing more. How could I call him up this very day I’d pushed the point I couldn’t be with him and say, “Hi, Damon, you know what I said about it just being sex? Well, can I move in with you?”

  I still wasn’t entirely certain about what I felt for the man. Was it love? If so, should I embrace it or fight against it? If I wanted to move back in with Dad would it make things easier if I fought the feelings I had for Damon? He was my boss—well, my boss’ boss and the company might frown on us being together. Hell, they would probably frown on us fucking in the file room.

  So, if not Damon then who? Maybe Grandad Leonard? Grandad was a more genuine and softer man than Dad, but from what I remember, his home was filthy, and Leonard didn’t bathe enough. It had been a while since I’d been there, but I seemed to remember Grandad smelt of raw sweat and urine. Besides, what if Grandad took Dad’s side and kicked me out too? He and dad had a falling out a few years back and I hadn’t seen him in a long time. Would he even talk to me?

  Who could I call if not Grandad or Damon? It was a Friday night, and I had nowhere to go for the weekend. A thought hit me and I shivered. There was one other number I could try. I hadn’t gotten around to storing it in my phone, but it was a possibility. Perhaps if I were honest with myself, I would admit I’d never intended to keep it, but I hadn’t tossed the guy’s number either. If he let me stay, it would mean hopping on a train, but at least it would give me somewhere to sleep for the next few nights until I had to come back and work. During the work week, it would never fly. Too much travel for an overnight. Hell, if dad hadn’t taken my money each week, I would have enough for a youth hostel. Wouldn’t do any good at the moment with my money hidden under my bed. Hell, I worked for a bank, but I didn’t have an account. I should do that soon.

  I rooted through my bag until I found the small, crumpled piece of paper with Brent’s name on it. The barman who I’d met at G-A-Y was an option, maybe a dumb one, but still an option. I walked around the city thinking about my possibilities which were few. I barely knew Brent, and it would mean traveling to Manchester again. Was I really that desperate?

  I drew in a slow breath as rain started to fall. Yes, yes, I was that desperate. Besides, a change of scenery might do me some good. And being further away from home, maybe I’d be able to be true to myself again and finally work out what the hell I was going to do long term.

  I dialed Brent’s number. After a few rings, Brent answered. “Hello?”

  “Hi, is this Brent?”

  “Yes. Who’s this?”

  “Hi, it’s Ridley. We met at the G-A-Y masquerade ball. Oh, shit! Did I even tell you my name was Ridley? Maybe you just knew me as Batman.”

  Brent laughed hard. “I met a lot of Batmen that night.”

  “I’m the one who talked to you at the bar. You gave me your number?”

  There was a pause. “Oh, hey. Yes, I remember you.”

  Well, that was something at least. “Listen, this is going to sound crazy but…um…I’ve just been kicked out. Is there any chance I could crash on your couch? It would just be for a few nights until I can sort something else out.”

  At first, Brent didn’t answer. What the fuck was I doing? There was no way that Brent was going to say yes! I was asking way too much of the man who was a stranger. I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me other than one drunk meetup where I was wearing a mask. I’d gone crazy for sure.

  “Um, okay, sure. I’ll text you my address. When should I expect you?”

  I checked my watch. “Two to three hours from now.”

  “Two to three hours? Where are you?”

  A lump formed in my throat. “Birmingham.”

  “Isn’t there somebody in Birmingham that you could ask?” Brent sounded annoyed.

  I cringed as I thought about Damon. His handsome face. His gorgeous body. I’d messed it all up. I shouldn’t have told Damon all I wanted was sex because it was a lie. I’d spent too long lying to myself and now I was lying to someone I cared about. I shook my head, pushing away thoughts of Damon.

  “No, not really,” I admitted shamefully.

  I heard something that sounded like a sigh or a laugh.

  “Okay then. I’ll see you in two to three hours. I’ll still be up,” Brent replied before the call ended. A few seconds later, my phone pinged with a text. It was his address. I added his number to my contact list along with his address. The station was a few blocks away, and I slogged over, wondering once again if I had made the right decision. Stupidity seemed to rule my judgement. I found myself making wrong choices over and over again. Was this another one?

  The ticket wasn’t too expensive since I had a 16-25 Railcard. Plus, it was a hell of a lot cheaper than it would cost me to stay in a youth hostel for three nights. If Dad hadn’t taken my money, I would have enough…maybe. But it didn’t matter since Brent had been kind enough to put me up for the night.

  As the train rattled its way along the tracks from Birmingham to Manchester, I remembered the last time I’d traveled this way. I’d met both Brent and Damon that night. Memories of Damon on his knees, my cock in his mouth as he sucked me had me half hard. Was that the best night of my life or the worst? It was a fuckload of fun at the time, and I’d felt freer than I’d ever felt before, but my fun wasn’t meant to cause so many complications. That night was just suppos
ed to be one night of fun. Now I was messed up over my feelings, and I didn’t know how to deal with them.

  After leaving the station in Manchester, I put Brent’s address into Google Maps. Luckily, Brent’s place was only a few blocks away, less than a mile. A cold wind blew, causing me to shiver. I was grateful I wouldn’t have to sleep rough.

  Heavy rain came down seconds before I reached the stairs leading up to Brent’s apartment. He was up a couple of flights, and the stairs weren’t very well protected from the rain. When I reached his door, I knocked twice and rang the doorbell for good measure. Wind whipped the rain sideways, blowing it onto the walkway, getting my shoes even wetter. Thankfully, Brent answered before it got much worse.

  “Hey, Ridley. I wasn’t sure if you’d turn up. You’re getting wet. Come on in.”

  I nodded as I stepped in, my stomach tightening. I shouldn’t have come this far. I was exhausted, and my mind was churning over everything that had happened. Was it really today that I’d fucked Damon? I should be with him, but it was too late now.

  “Thanks. I appreciate you letting me stay here.”

  “What happened?” Brent asked.

  I shrugged. “Temporary insanity. I was honest with my father for a minute or two and he didn’t take it too well.”

  “Oh,” Brent said as he scratched his stubble covered chin. “Do you mean…you came out to him?”

  “No. Not quite. Pretty close though.” I wasn’t brave enough to actually come out. I needed to get my shit together and be stronger. So much of my life had been put on hold because I didn’t want to rock the boat. I’d not asked dad questions about my mum when I’d wanted more information. I’d not kept up with Grandad because he and dad had fought. I’d not ever kissed any guys until Damon. And good Lord, having sex with the man had been amazing. I wish I’d been strong enough to come out earlier. I was almost twenty-two and I was still acting like a child for the most part.