Spin the Bottle

by Monica McInerney

  ‘Evie, what is it? What’s happened?’

  ‘We’ve been in a crash.’

  ‘Oh my God. Where are you?’

  ‘In Blanchardstown hospital. It happened just after we’d driven through Dunshaughlin. The ambulance brought us here.’

  ‘The ambulance? Evie, what is it? Is Joe all right?’ She felt like her legs were going to give way.

  Eva just started crying. ‘Lainey, can you please come?’

  She was at the hospital within twenty minutes. As she ran through the foyer, she saw Eva in the distance, sitting in a chair near the nurses’ station.

  Lainey sat beside her, took her hand. Her friend wasn’t crying now. She was glassy-eyed with shock, strangely calm. ‘Evie? Is he… ?’

  ‘He’s going to be all right, Lainey, isn’t he?’

  Lainey shut her eyes in quick relief. So he was alive. She squeezed her hand. ‘Of course he’ll be all right. And are you all right, Evie? You weren’t hurt at all?’

  Eva just shook her head. Lainey tried to find out exactly what had happened, what injuries Joe had suffered, but Eva could barely speak. Lainey took off her jacket and wrapped it around her friend. ‘Evie, will you drink a cup of tea?’

  Eva nodded, her teeth chattering.

  ‘I’ll be back in just a moment, I promise.’ She hurried to the nurses’ station to find out what she could. ‘He’s in X-ray at the moment. We’re checking for any internal injuries, broken bones,’ the woman behind the desk said. ‘As far as we know he hit his head against the steering wheel, which knocked him out for a time.’

  ‘But he’s all right?’

  ‘We’ll know more in an hour or so.’

  Lainey got directions to the canteen, made two cups of hot, sweet tea and came back to Eva. She was calmer again, staring ahead. Lainey took her hand, put her other arm around her, feeling her trembling deep inside. ‘Evie, what happened? Can you tell me?’

  Eva’s teeth started chattering again, though she wasn’t cold. ‘We were driving along the main road, just before Dunshaughlin, driving really slowly because of the mist. And we came to the crossroads and we could see these car headlights waiting to the right, but we had right of way so we didn’t slow. But then they just came, Lainey, and they just kept on coming and Joe was saying what the hell are they doing and then they just hit into his side of the car. And I could see Joe fall forward and hit the wheel and then he made this noise, this terrible sort of shout, and I can’t get it out of my head. Then he wouldn’t answer me and I thought he was dead.’ The shaking became more violent. ‘And then the other driver appeared and he was just a kid and he kept saying sorry over and over again and I started screaming at him, that he’d killed my husband. Then another driver stopped and she had a mobile and called the ambulance and they took forever to come and then they brought him here. And I didn’t know if Joe was alive or dead. He was warm but he wouldn’t talk and I couldn’t get him to open his eyes.’ Eva had to stop, her teeth chattering so hard she couldn’t form words.

  Lainey had a memory flash of forcing that last glass of wine on to Joe. If he hadn’t had that, would he have been able to avoid the crash? Would he have seen the other car coming, been able to stop in time? Oh, God, was she to blame for this? She looked at Eva, stricken. ‘It was my fault. I’m the one who made him have that last glass of wine. Evie, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…’

  To her astonishment, Eva stopped shaking, threw off her arm and turned on her. ‘Shut up, Lainey. Bloody well shut up. It’s not about you. You had nothing to do with it. We’ve been in a crash, I don’t know if Joe will even live and what are you saying? “Oh, it’s about me. It’s all my fault.” Me, bloody me.’

  ‘Eva, please, calm down. You’re in shock. I didn’t say it was about me.’

  Eva’s eyes were blazing. ‘Yes, you did. You are not in charge of the whole world, Lainey. A whole lot more goes on than what you’ve made happen.’ She moved backwards, as if being that close to Lainey disgusted her. ‘Just leave me alone, would you? Go and think of yourself somewhere else.’

  ‘Eva –’

  ‘Lainey, I mean it. Please, just leave me alone. Go away.’

  Lainey stood up, staring at Eva, who had now covered her face with her hands. She went to talk to her, but didn’t know what to say. Instead she turned and somehow stumbled her way outside. The air was freezing, the mist still heavy. She knew Eva was in terrible shock, but had she really meant all that? Was that really what she was like, thinking about herself all the time? Was she really that self-obsessed? Wanting everything to suit her and her alone?

  She felt someone come and stand beside her, and for a hopeful moment thought it was Eva. But it was a middle-aged man, looking as distressed as she was feeling. She wondered why he was there at this time of the night but didn’t want to ask, too confused, too shocked herself. She hugged herself, shivering but not really feeling the cold. She wanted to be sick, wanted to run, wanted to go back in and be with Eva, wanted to help Joe, wanted to do everything and nothing, all at once, confused, hurt and scared.

  ‘Cigarette?’

  She didn’t smoke but she accepted it anyway, took the light, inhaled once and gagged at the taste. It brought her to her senses. What the hell was she doing out here? She needed to be with Eva. ‘Thanks anyway,’ she said, putting out the cigarette.

  She went back inside. Eva hadn’t moved. Lainey sat next to her, didn’t speak, but slowly reached and took her friend’s hand, expecting her to push it away, to recoil from her. She didn’t. They sat in silence for a moment, then Eva spoke first, without looking at her. ‘You stink. Have you been smoking?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘But you don’t smoke.’

  ‘No.’ She took a breath. ‘Eva, I’m so sorry –’

  Eva turned to her. ‘Lainey, I’m so sorry –’

  They both stopped.

  Lainey went to talk, then bit back the words. She waited, then Eva spoke again. ‘I’m sorry for shouting at you, for saying those things.’

  ‘If you meant them, you were right to say them.’

  ‘You’re not like that, not all the time.’

  Not all the time. But some of the time she obviously was. This wasn’t the time to gather dates and examples. She took her friend’s hand. ‘Evie, let’s forget about that for the moment. It’s Joe that’s important.’

  Her friend started to shake again and buried her face in Lainey’s shoulder. ‘I just couldn’t bear it, Lainey. I just couldn’t bear it if he died. I love him too much. We’ve got years ahead of us, I know we have. All these things we have to do. It’s not going to end, is it?’

  ‘Of course it’s not, of course it’s not. He’ll be fine. You wait and see.’

  ‘But what if he’s hurt, if he’s got brain damage? He would hate that so much. You know what he’s like. He’s so smart and funny. I want him back, Lainey. I want my Joe back.’ She was crying now, the tears streaming from her.

  ‘You will, you will,’ Lainey held her tighter. ‘Just wait, just wait and see what they tell you. He’s here in hospital. They know what they’re doing.’

  They waited three hours until the doctor came over towards them. Holding Eva tight, Lainey could feel the tension in her friend. She hugged her tighter, pulled the jacket closer around her. It was good news. Joseph had concussion, but the CAT scan hadn’t shown any skull fractures or serious head injuries. He’d broken his wrist, they presumed from when he had thrown up his arm to protect himself as the other car crashed into his door. This had cushioned the impact. He had lacerations on his chest, caused by the seatbelt, and they expected some soft tissue damage, heavy bruising probably, but there were no broken bones, and no internal injuries. They’d keep him in hospital under observation for a couple of days, but things looked fine. ‘He was very lucky. That mist slowed both cars down, probably saved lives.’

  Lainey had to hold Eva up, as the relief ran through her, her legs starting to give way. The doctor noticed. ‘We’ll admi
t you for the night as well, I think, Eva.’

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  FOUR DAYS LATER, Lainey drove back down the main road towards Tara, after dropping Eva and Joseph back to their apartment in Camden Street. She had offered to have them at Tara Lodge for as long as they liked. She could look after them both, she’d said, cook for them, let them sleep all day, help them get their strength up. She’d cancel the Feast of Ireland weekends if needs be.

  Eva had turned her down, gently. They both just wanted to be home, in their own place. Joe was much better, nauseous the first day, dazed and suffering bad headaches, but in remarkably good spirits. The cuts and bruises were sore, but they would heal. He just needed to sleep, he said. Eva just wanted to be with him. She had hardly left his side since the night of the crash.

  Before saying goodbye, while she and Eva were alone, Lainey had brought up the topic of Eva’s outburst at the hospital. Eva had tried to dismiss it. ‘Lainey, I can hardly remember it. I was in bits with worry. I’d just had a car crash and wasn’t thinking straight. You are my gorgeous, kind friend and I love you and it isn’t worth worrying about. Please, let’s just drop it.’

  If Eva wanted to drop it, fine, but Lainey couldn’t. It was as though Eva’s words had unlocked a secret door into all the unsavoury parts of herself. She had been plagued with memories of bossing people, organising things, demanding that things be done in a particular way, to suit her. Yes, she did have a flair for organisation, but did it matter as much as she insisted if things weren’t done exactly the way she wanted? At work? At home?

  ‘You are not in charge of the whole world, Lainey. A whole lot more goes on than what you’ve made happen.’

  As she drove, she tried to get her thoughts clear in her head. Was Eva right? Did she have very fixed ideas about the way things should be, what she wanted to happen? How and when she wanted them to happen, even?

  In an uncomfortable moment of self-revelation, she realised she did.

  And not just with Eva and Joseph, but with her parents, her brothers, her friends. Even with Celia, her rival at work. She realised she’d been really hoping that Celia would get in trouble at Complete Event Management, that she would have to call Lainey in Ireland for help. She had been subconsciously scripting the whole scene in her mind… Celia calling in tears, admitting that she wasn’t coping and that she badly needed Lainey’s help. Lainey had pictured herself, speaking kindly and patiently to the other woman, giving her advice, feeling a glow of post-kindness satisfaction.

  Except Celia hadn’t rung. Because it seemed Celia was getting on fine and didn’t need Lainey’s help. Or if she did, she wasn’t going to ask for it.

  And there was someone else she had treated much worse. Someone else she’d expected to behave in a particular way. Someone she’d pigeonholed, made ill-informed decisions about.

  Adam.

  As she turned down the Tara road, Lainey realised something had to change. Eva was absolutely right about her. She had to stop charging in, trying to fix things, trying to make people do what she wanted them to do. She had to learn to take a step back, let things unfold, let people live their own lives, and see things as they really were, not how she wanted them to be. Not be the one in charge of the world.

  Then she realised something else.

  It was going to be very, very hard.

  On the phone several days later, Lainey knew from the sound of Eva’s voice that things were much better. There was a lightness back to it again. ‘I’m so relieved, Evie. You must have been worried sick.’

  ‘I really was, Lainey. I don’t think I’ve slept properly since it happened. I’m sure Joe’s sick of me watching his every move as well.’

  ‘Would you like me to come up and whisk you away, just for an hour or two? I could bring a picnic lunch. We could go for a walk in the Phoenix Park, if you like.’ She had her fingers crossed that Eva would accept. Since their fight the night of the accident, Lainey had felt a subtle shift in their relationship, a wariness on her own side, a distance on Eva’s side. She needed to see her, talk about it, if she felt that Eva was ready to talk about it, too.

  ‘That would be great, actually. Are you sure you can spare the time?’

  ‘Of course I can. And I’ll organise lunch and everything. All you have to do is tell me your favourite food and I’ll get it for you.’

  The weather was warm enough to sit on one of the benches in the Phoenix Park. Lainey took a final sip of her coffee, folded the paper that had contained the smoked salmon and fresh brown bread sandwiches she had brought for their lunch. She had been right, the old Eva was back. She had been relaxed, happy even, when Lainey had called up to their flat to say hello to Joe and collect her earlier that day. They had driven around the whole park, past Áras an Uachtaráin, the Irish President’s house, and past the American Ambassador’s residence. They’d finally chosen a sunny spot not far from the Zoo in the corner of the park near the North Circular Road. Their conversation was punctuated now and again by animal sounds, squawks and grunts, mingling with snatches of the commentary floating over from the tourist buses driving up and down the main road. ‘The Phoenix Park is the largest enclosed park in Europe… home to a herd of deer whose ancestry dates back to the 1600s…’

  Eva finished her coffee and gave a contented sigh. ‘That was gorgeous, Lainey, thanks.’

  ‘Have you had enough? Can I get you anything else?’

  ‘No, that was perfect.’

  ‘You’re sure?’

  Eva smiled at her. ‘I feel like I have a nursemaid all of a sudden.’

  ‘I’m just worried about you. You have to look after yourself as well as Joe, you know.’

  ‘I am, I promise. And it’s just lovely to be out in the air like this.’

  ‘Do you fancy a walk, then?’

  ‘I’d love it.’

  They put the basket in the car and set off down the tree-lined path, towards the polo ground beside the Zoo. They both ducked under the white railing and started walking around the edge of the neat grass oval. On the far side a workman in a bright-orange jumper was painting the front of the elegant wooden pavilion.

  Lainey felt a flutter in her stomach and realised it was nerves. She was nervous about the conversation she needed to have with Eva. In all their friendship, she had never felt that way. It was unsettling.

  ‘Evie?’

  ‘Mmm.’

  ‘Are you up to a serious talk about something? If you’re not, it’s fine. I know you’ve had a lot on your mind recently. It’s just I feel I need to talk to you about something.’

  ‘Is everything all right? Is it about your ma and da? About Adam?’

  ‘No, it’s about us. You and me. Can we keep walking?’ She had a feeling it might make it easier in a way to be moving. At Eva’s nod, she started feeling her way into the conversation. ‘I need to talk to you about what you said to me that night in the hospital.’

  Eva stopped walking. ‘Lainey, please. It’s like I said, I was upset, I said it in the heat of the moment.’

  ‘Evie, we can’t be proper friends if you think things like that about me, in the heat of the moment or not, and I don’t know about it. And if that’s what I’m really like, then it’s awful and I need to change it.’ She rubbed her eyes. ‘Wouldn’t you think I would know myself by this age, but it seems I don’t. I need you to explain more about what you meant, how I’ve been with you.’

  Eva was silent for a moment as they kept walking around the edge of the grounds. She seemed about to speak when a jogger came up behind them. She waited until he passed, then looked over at Lainey. ‘Lainey, I don’t know whether –’

  ‘Please, Evie, I need to know. Be blunt with me.’

  Another long pause. ‘You can be a bit bossy.’

  ‘A bit?’

  ‘Very bossy.’

  ‘I see.’

  Eva stopped, took Lainey’s arm. ‘This is hard for me, Lain. You know I love you. That goes without saying, okay?’

/>   Lainey nodded.

  They started walking again, Eva’s voice tentative at first, then gaining in confidence. ‘It’s just that, well, you’re a bit of a steamroller sometimes. A bit overwhelming. And I can see why. I mean, you’re full of good ideas and you’re so energetic and quick-thinking. It’s just that sometimes other people find it hard to keep up.’

  ‘Other people? You, you mean?’

  ‘Not just me. Maybe your friends, your family too, from what you’ve said. It’s like you have an idea of how people are supposed to be, and what they’re supposed to do, and you decide that’s the only way. And perhaps sometimes they’ve got good ideas or would like to do things another way, but you don’t often leave them, leave us, any room.’ A long silence.

  ‘Can you give me some examples? Just a few will be okay. I don’t need a long list.’

  Eva smiled, then became thoughtful. ‘I suppose things like me coming down to help you renovate. I would have offered – I really wanted to help – but somehow you had me organised to come down and do it before I’d had a chance to feel like I had any say in it.’

  Lainey shut her eyes briefly. She remembered that night. She’d done exactly that.

  ‘You do it a bit with your parents, too, I think. You make it sound sometimes as though you are cross that they aren’t behaving like proper parents should. That they’re misbehaving, disobeying you. Your brothers too. And maybe Adam, from the little you’ve told me about him.’ Eva’s voice was very soft. ‘Sometimes it’s as though you’ve written the script for everyone’s lives and you’ve decided that’s how it has to be. And I suppose that’s why I got so upset the night of the accident. It was almost as if you were put out, that the accident hadn’t been in your plans. And I just got raging. It was Joe you were talking about, my Joe who might have been killed, and I felt very hurt.’

  Lainey couldn’t look at her. She kept walking, while her mind filled with images of her family, of Adam, of the night in the hospital after Joseph’s accident.