Spin the Bottle

by Monica McInerney

  Hugh paused. ‘I actually have got some news – the real reason I rang. It’s just it’s a bit awkward.’

  ‘Come on, out with it. You’ve made a girl pregnant, is that it? Or you’ve caught some sexually transmitted disease?’

  ‘You’ve got a filthy mind. No, it’s not that.’ He paused. ‘It’s just that, well, I sent you another tape. It’s probably about to arrive. And the thing is, I was wrong. What I put on it. I was trying to be smart, trying to fix things up, and I made a mistake.’

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘I made the tape in good faith, believing something to be true, and then I saw something the other day – I don’t know if you want to know about it – and well, I think it might cancel out what I was trying to say with the tape. So I just wanted to tell you not to watch it when it arrives. Just put it in the bin or send it right back.’

  ‘Hughie, what are you talking about?’

  He blurted it out. ‘I’m talking about Adam. I made you a tape about him and sent it off and then a few days ago I saw him having lunch with your friend. Kim. That one with the big –’

  ‘I know the one you mean. Where?’

  ‘In Camberwell. Near the restaurant.’

  ‘And what were they doing when you saw them? Just having lunch?’

  ‘Well, they had food in front of them.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘They weren’t eating much. She was being all sort of, you know, flirty. Leaning forward a lot. Playing with her hair. We studied that in class last month and apparently it signifies a readiness to engage in sexual activity.’

  Lainey felt physically sick. Nauseous. ‘Are you sure? It was definitely Adam? Definitely Kim?’

  ‘I’m sure. I said hello to him.’

  ‘And was he embarrassed? Was she embarrassed?’ Why was her voice so high-pitched all of a sudden?

  ‘I don’t know. I was too embarrassed myself to see whether they were embarrassed. I’m so sorry, Lain. I just thought you should know. And I had to warn you about the tape. I’d got it all wrong. Please don’t watch it.’

  She felt deflated, as if she’d been punched. Flat. ‘It’s fine, Hugh. I did need to know. I’m glad you told me.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’

  She didn’t deny it. She was more than upset. ‘That will teach me, won’t it?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I finally realised how wrong I was about him, that I should never have broken up with him, and now I’m too late. I was going to call him.’

  ‘Oh, Lainey, maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was all just innocent.’

  ‘No, Hughie, it’s all right. You can’t help what you saw. And it’s not as if she didn’t warn me. She told me she fancied him.’

  ‘But you could always ring him anyway, talk to him, couldn’t you? I bet he’d still like to hear from you.’

  Oh, sure. Lainey could just imagine it. Knowing her present luck, she’d call him just as he and Kim were about to fall into bed. The thought of it produced another wave of nausea. ‘It’s a bit late for that, Hugh.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Lainey. And you won’t watch the tape, will you?’

  She wanted to joke with him, say, ‘You’re not the boss of me,’ but nothing seemed funny at that moment. ‘I’d better go, Hughie.’

  Hugh’s tape arrived the next day. Don’t watch it, he’d told her. Of course she would watch it. How could she not? She went through the familiar ritual, getting a coffee, settling herself in front of the TV, all the while a feeling of foreboding building within her.

  The video began with just a black screen, with music playing underneath, simple notes on a piano. She frowned, trying to recognise the song. A few more notes. It sounded familiar. Then she got it. It was a cover version of Burt Bacharach’s ‘This Guy’s In Love With You’.

  Then the vision began. There was just one subject. Adam. It was scene after scene of him in different locations, doing different things, all obviously out-takes from the videos of Rex and the fake chefs. There was one scene of Adam in his kitchen at the restaurant, laughing as he tried to get the Nigella Lawson wig to stay in place. Lainey started laughing too. There were out-takes of him trying to ride the scooter into shot for the Jamie Oliver, some in slow motion, some in fast motion. Hugh had even run one backwards so it looked as though Adam was walking backwards, leaping onto the scooter and then driving back to front along the street. There were slow-motion shots of Adam smiling, looking up from his cooking bench; another of him concentrating completely on the cooking, his face serious; a funny one of him holding Rex and then yelping as Rex scratched him on the cheek.

  Hugh had been trying to matchmake, she realised. Or be a relationship counsellor, at least. Trying to sort things out between her and Adam, get them back together again. Except he’d been too late. As Lainey had been too late in realising how she felt about Adam.

  She watched the video three times in a row, sitting there gazing at the screen, her knees pulled up under her chin. She hardly noticed the tears streaming down her face.

  There was an email from her friend Christine in Melbourne when she picked up her messages the next day.

  Lainey, what on earth is going on with you and Adam? Do you know that he and Kim have been out a couple of times? He might think it’s innocent but I have to tell you SHE doesn’t. You know she’s keen on him, don’t you??? I feel like I’m playing one of those ‘do you tell or don’t you tell’ party games but I really thought you should know. Would have rung but can’t get a fix on the time difference at all. I’m up in Queensland for a fortnight’s holiday, will call you or email with all the facts as soon as I get back. And you tell Adam you’re on to him!!

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  ‘TEA, EVIE?’ LAINEY called out from the kitchen.

  ‘Yes, please,’ a voice called back.

  Eva and Joseph had come to stay for the weekend, now that the first series of theme weekends was over. Lainey was trying to summon up the energy to organise the next series. The months left in the house stretched long and lonely at the moment. She’d tried to tell herself it was just that she was tired. She’d even tried to tell herself it was the discovery that Rohan was not Mr Cholera, that she was sad that the days of the sexy mind-films were over.

  But she knew that wasn’t true. The truth was she was in bits about Adam.

  Eva was lying on the couch in front of the fire, flicking through a photo album, when Lainey came into the room carrying the tray. She was on her own.

  ‘Where’s Joe?’ Lainey asked.

  Eva sat up and took the cup Lainey was offering. ‘He’ll be back in a little while. He’s just gone for a walk around Tara.’ She put down the album she’d been looking at. ‘That’s a shame Nell didn’t do any more for you. These are very good.’

  ‘They are, aren’t they? I’ll have to buy more from a gallery one day, I suppose. Some New York one, when she and her elderly boyfriend run off and set up their love nest together.’ Lainey poured herself a cup of tea and sat beside Eva, looking into the fire.

  ‘What’s up, Lainey?’ Eva’s voice was soft.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Lainey…’

  ‘Everything,’ she admitted.

  ‘Is it Rohan? Mr Cholera? Did he turn into Mr Bubonic Plague?’

  Lainey tried to smile. ‘None of that was true, you know. I’d imagined it all. The whole thing. He’s actually really happy with his German girlfriend.’

  ‘Then it’s Adam, isn’t it?’

  Lainey still wasn’t looking at her. ‘It is, yes.’

  ‘Oh, Lainey. Have you realised you’ve made a mistake? That he’s really the one for you?’

  She spun around. ‘Was it that obvious?’

  ‘No, not at first. You’re a great woman for hiding how you really feel, you know.’

  ‘I didn’t know myself. Not for a while.’

  ‘But you do now? Can you ring him? Write to him? Tell him you’re so
rry, you made a big mistake?’

  ‘No, not now.’

  ‘But if he loves you and you love him –’

  ‘It’s not as simple as that any more.’

  ‘Why not?’

  Lainey told Eva why not. She told her all Hugh had told her on the phone and about Christine’s email.

  Eva gazed up at her, frowning. ‘And they wouldn’t have made a mistake? They’re both sure?’

  Lainey nodded.

  Eva rubbed her friend’s arm sympathetically. ‘So what are you going to do?’

  ‘I don’t know yet. I don’t know what I can do, to be honest.’

  ‘You’re not going to just give up like that, without a fight, are you? The Lainey I know and love wouldn’t do that.’

  ‘What can I do? I can’t leave here for months and months. And even if I could, what are my options? March up to the two of them and tell Kim to go away, that I’ve realised I made a terrible mistake about Adam?’

  ‘You could try that. It’s the truth, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yes, but they could be living together by the time I see them. In my apartment block. That will be nice, won’t it, seeing them together every day?’

  Eva put her arm around her. ‘Lainey, something will come up. I’m sure of it. Just wait and see.’

  ‘You’ve got great faith in the world, Evie, haven’t you? In things working out for the best?’

  Joseph came in then, his black hair in tufts from the wind. Eva smiled at the sight of him, then looked back at Lainey. ‘Yes, I have, actually.’

  The next day, Lainey did what she had started to do every time she needed to think. She went for a walk on the Hill of Tara. It was starting to feel like her special place now. The furrows and mounds in the green grass were becoming familiar. She knew which times she would have it to herself and which times it would be crowded with tour groups. The view surprised her each time, never staying static – the changing light, the movement of clouds across the pale-blue sky, the crops growing in the fields all around, adding splashes of green and bright yellow here and there to the landscape.

  She walked briskly, waiting for her head to clear, trying to recall tips from her self-help business books. But her mind was blank. A wind whipped up and she pulled her jacket closer around her body, pushing her hair out of her eyes as well. Concentrate, Lainey, she urged herself. Think of it as a business problem. But that’s what had got her into trouble in the first place – thinking of Adam as a business problem, making a decision about him with her head instead of her heart. That would teach her, wouldn’t it?

  She came to her favourite spot, took off her jacket and sat down on it, pulling her knees up under her chin, gazing out over the trees. If she could just sit down with Adam, see him face to face, explain how she felt, tell him she was sorry to have made such a terrible mistake, ask him if it was too late. That is, if things hadn’t gone too far with Kim…

  A shaft of jealousy surprised her, as a fast-moving series of images of Kim and Adam flashed through her mind, like a rapid slide show – the two of them out together, holding hands, having dinner, in bed together. They galvanised her. Eva was right. She couldn’t just sit back and let this happen. Of course there had to be something she could do about it. She could be back in Melbourne in a day if she needed to be. She could call him, tell him she was coming. Or she could surprise him, arrive unexpectedly.

  Propose to him.

  She blinked. Where on earth had that idea come from? She blinked again but the idea stayed. She could propose to him. Turn up unexpectedly at the restaurant, jump out of a cake, arrive bearing armfuls of flowers or balloons, hire a skywriter, take out a full-page ad in the newspaper asking him to marry her. She was an event manager, after all – she could do any of those things. Do them all.

  She got the tingling feeling in her fingertips. That would prove to him that she really meant it, wouldn’t it? That she was truly sorry for hurting him. Another woman might have phoned or written a letter, but he wouldn’t expect her to do something so ordinary, would he? And she didn’t want to do something so ordinary. Now she had realised how she truly felt about him, she wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone. Tell him. And hope she wasn’t too late.

  She stood up, wanting to get cracking on her ideas, get everything under way, when a dart of reality hit her. She sat down again with a bump. She couldn’t leave. She had to stay here for the year, to fulfil the conditions of the will. There had certainly been no coda to the endless documents outlining that the said member of the Byrne family could have a little jaunt back home for a week or two to sort out his or her personal life. But perhaps there was another way. She stood up again and nearly ran back across the hill towards Tara Lodge. There was one man who would know.

  ‘I’m sorry, Lainey,’ Mr Fogarty said, his tiny eyes looking kindly across his desk at her. ‘But it is quite clear. A member of the Byrne family has to be in residence for the entire year. That is really the crux of the whole will.’

  Lainey leaned back in her chair, still in her exercise clothes and runners. She had decided not to phone Mr Fogarty, but had simply got in the car and driven into Dunshaughlin, needing to hear the good or bad news face to face. Mr Fogarty had seemed a little surprised to see her looking so flushed and windswept, but had led her into his little office nevertheless. He looked at his watch now. ‘I do need to see another client but we can talk again later today.’

  She stood up. ‘Thanks anyway, Mr Fogarty. I’m sorry to come barging in like this.’

  She had just turned when she heard a little squeak of excitement. She turned back. He was flicking through the pages. ‘Just one moment, Lainey. You’ve got three brothers, haven’t you?’

  She nodded.

  He flicked the pages again, making them blur. ‘Your aunt specified that a member of the Byrne family had to be in residence for the entire year for you to inherit, but it doesn’t specify that it has to be the same member of the family for the entirety of the twelve months. Could one of your brothers come over, just for a week or two, while you sort out your business in Melbourne?’

  Hope rose in Lainey suddenly. ‘That would be all right? Really?’

  ‘It would,’ he said, giving her his widest mouse smile.

  It was all she could do to stop herself from picking him up off his chair, spinning him around and giving him a whizzee. She’d have liked to have seen his little legs twirling, then watched him dizzily try to walk when she put him back on the ground. ‘Mr Fogarty, you’re a saint. I’ll let you know as soon as I can which brother it will be.’ She surprised him with a kiss on the top of his head.

  He blushed bright red. ‘Oh, Lainey. If Mrs Fogarty had seen that.’

  Back home, she looked at her list. Just three names. Brendan. Declan. Hugh. Which one of them could she ask? Who was in the best position to take time off from work – or university, in Hugh’s case – and come over and take up residence here at the B&B for a few weeks, perhaps longer? She got on best with Hugh. He was the one she would have most liked to ask, but she knew in her heart that he just wouldn’t be able to do it. He was a worse cook than she was. She was getting quite a few mid-week guests at the B&B now, and she really wouldn’t like to leave Hugh in charge. He’d forget to cook, or forget to put sheets on the beds, probably. He’d be perfectly nice about it, of course, but she had taken too much pride in the renovations to let it all go to seed in a few weeks.

  Declan? She checked her bulging diary, turning pages until she reached the table showing all the school holidays in Australia. The timing was very bad. Declan was just at the start of a new term, at least three months before he had holidays again.

  Brendan. Mr Environment himself. She rubbed at her temples. In some ways he was the best positioned. He had been manager of his department for the past four years, had worked with the company since he’d left school. He was surely due long-service leave, or was in a senior enough position to take some time off. Even just a week or two. Long enough for
her to fly home, sort everything out with Adam and then come back. And Rosie had family in Wicklow, after all – a whole tribe of aunts and cousins, just an hour or two away. Lainey scribbled down her arguments on the notepad in front of her. Her credit card would have to bear all these airfares, she realised. She’d been living so frugally here, surely it was time she had a big splash out. She checked the time difference. As soon as it was morning in Australia, she would ring and ask him. Beg him, if she needed to.

  ‘Jeez, Lainey, you’ve got some hide.’

  She nearly dropped the phone. She’d expected him to laugh at her, dismiss her with a joke. But she hadn’t expected him to be angry. She felt her own temper rise in response. ‘What do you mean by that? I’ve got some hide to ask a favour? When I’m the one who gave up my whole life for a year for all of us? I don’t think that’s some hide. I actually think it’s fairly reasonable to ask for some help.’

  ‘When it suits you. Sure, you’re prepared to admit that someone else in the family might be interested in going to Ireland now. But only now, when it suits you.’

  ‘What are you talking about? No one else was interested. I was the one who had to do it. I don’t recall you jumping up at that meeting at Ma and Dad’s that night.’

  ‘You don’t? And why would that be, do you think?’

  She had never heard this tone of voice from Brendan before. ‘Why?’

  ‘When do you ever give anyone else a chance, Lainey? Did it occur to you that Rosie and I might very much have liked to come back for a year? That in fact we’ve been thinking about doing just that? But no, Peg made it clear you’re the number one choice and you had your bags packed and your saviour-of-the-family costume on before I’d even had a chance to talk to Rosie about it.’

  ‘Hold on a moment here, Bren. You’re saying you would have liked to come?’

  ‘I’d like to have had the chance to think about it, yes. Maybe it wouldn’t have been practical, but Rosie and I have been talking about taking a year out, maybe even opening our own B&B. You think I want to keep working in this job for the rest of my life?’