1643164341 (F)

by M Sawyer

  How strange to talk to Melissa like there was no animosity between them. Nolin settled into this odd feeling. Perhaps now that she realized Melissa wasn’t actually her mother, the tension had dissolved.

  But Nolin couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling deep in her stomach. Part of her still wished things had changed and that they could be this way, mother and daughter, comfortable, talking in a kitchen like civilized humans. This was, of course, impossible, because Nolin was not human. She suspected that Melissa was aware of this. Why else would she have hated her so much, put her through hell as a child, and loathed her as an adult?

  This wasn’t a truce. It was just a quiet day in monsoon season, calm before yet another storm.

  ***

  Melissa didn’t leave to look for jobs the next morning. Or the next. Or several afterward. Nolin scrubbed, met with realtors, and put the house on the market like an actor in a play, reciting lines, smiling the way she should have, pretending this was her game and not some strange role in a performance she never signed up for. The date on her plane ticket came and went, and with it her painful visions of pristine snow, sparkling glaciers, and silent evergreen forests. Finding her place seemed less important now that she knew she belonged nowhere.

  Her morning runs grounded her. She ran until her legs shook and her chest ached, until her mind was still. The smell of the town in the morning was starting to feel familiar. She looked forward to those mornings, even more so when she spotted the lanky figure jogging up the street toward her.

  Drew was a strange fixture in her life, like an actor from a comedy who had wandered into a soap opera on the next station. They never planned on meeting each morning, but she started to expect him.

  The same route each day: the same turns around the town, down the long road into the hills, then up the hillside to the clearing, where they’d watch the sunrise and stay as long as they dared before Drew had to go to work at his first job and Nolin couldn’t justify the stolen moments any longer.

  The mornings were getting warmer. They had to run faster to catch the earlier sunrises. On a particularly warm morning, Nolin sat with her legs long in front of her, feet bare, leaning back on her hands. Drew stretched out on his stomach beside her, propped up on his elbows. The sky changed from pink to light blue. She watched the way the sunlight brought out the yellow in the leaves and flecks of gold in Drew’s messy hair.

  She was starting to tan; the tops of her thighs were now lighter than her lower legs. Her arms were darkening to their summer bronze. Nolin noticed that Drew’s calves were slightly darker than just above his knees where his shorts had slid up. Summer was on its way.

  This summer felt different, though. She was a new Nolin, back in her hometown, her life twisted inside out. Summer was cracking her wide open. A strange recklessness stirred in her. Perhaps she was antsy with Melissa’s drama, or simply embracing her true nature.

  “We should meet for lunch today,” Drew said. “Before I go to the school.” He worked two jobs in the summer, both at his father’s landscaping company and as a summer activities counselor at the local junior high.

  “I’d like that,” Nolin said. Any excuse to get out of the house was okay with her.

  They’d stay for a few more minutes. Nolin rolled up the sleeves of her shirt. A few minutes later, Drew peeled off his shirt and tucked it underneath him for padding.

  Unlike Nolin, his torso wasn’t crisscrossed with tan lines. He was slim, his lean muscles long and smooth. The slight ridges of his ribs and shoulder blades moved under his skin when he breathed; the curve of his spine flexed when he shifted his weight on his elbows.

  The recklessness that had been brewing in Nolin’s gut for weeks twitched, itching in her arms and legs. Her fingers tingled. Curious. She wanted to touch him. What would happen if she did? Before she could think it through, her hand reached out and placed itself on the small of Drew’s back.

  She worried he’d flinch or push her away. He didn’t. She thought she saw the corner of his mouth twitch into a grin.

  Her hand slid upward, her middle finger gliding up his spine like a boat cutting water.

  Drew sighed happily and dropped his head down so Nolin could touch the back of his neck.

  “Keep doing that,” he said.

  Nolin smiled. She felt surreal, touching someone like this. Normally, she lived in a bubble that she preferred no one ever enter. No physical contact. His skin, smooth as clay, rooted her to some deep and immovable part of her that felt unchanging despite the turbulence of the last month. Surprisingly soothing. This act of touch made her feel more and less human; more connected to another person, yet more animal as well.

  Nolin wished the sun wouldn’t rise any higher in the sky, and they could stay in this special spot on the hill. She could forget anyone else existed. She wanted to hang onto this peace for as long as she could.

  Drew’s smile faded; maybe he didn’t want to leave either. Finally, he reached for her hand on his shoulder and pressed it to his lips. Nolin’s entire arm tingled, and her stomach fluttered.

  “We’d better go,” he said quietly. He pushed himself up to his feet and reached down to help Nolin up.

  They ran down the hill in silence, Drew first. The run back passed far too quickly. They paused in front of Nolin’s house to catch their breath.

  He’d be late soon. Drew pulled Nolin into a hug, his arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders and hers around his slender waist. Then, he kissed her forehead, pulled away, and threw her a quick smile before turning to run down the street.

  Her forehead burned a little where his lips had been. The rest of her felt unusually warm, though that might have just been from the hurried run home. When he was out of sight, she turned and walked up the front walk to the door, ready to step back into her life and face whatever new, ugly discoveries the day had in store for her.

  Chapter 37

  NOLIN FOUND A note from Melissa on the bar.

  I have a job interview this morning and another in the afternoon. I’ll be back later today. For the love of God, don’t panic and come looking for me.

  —Melissa

  Nolin didn’t know whether to roll her eyes or be suspicious. Better to not dwell on it, she decided. With Melissa gone for the day, she was free to dig through the journals.

  Those journals drew her like a moth to a porch light. The strangeness of Melissa’s mind before it cracked open, the odd girl she spent her time with, the turbulent relationship with her own family that echoed her treatment of her future daughter, it all meant something. In those journals, she’d find out who her mother was, who this Alexa really was, and most importantly, who she, Nolin, was.

  Alexa. Nolin had a feeling they’d have gotten along if they’d known each other. The more she thought about it, the more she was sure Alexa was another changeling. They were too much alike.

  Nolin stacked the journals in order from oldest to newest, ten journals in all, then started where she’d left off. She barely noticed the passing of time as she followed Melissa and Alexa through junior high and into high school. During their junior year, things grew stranger.

  Alexa is doing this weird scholarship project, Melissa wrote. She’s studying local flora and fauna, and she’s completely obsessed. She spends all her time in the woods, making drawings and writing in her notebooks. Mom says I should take that kind of initiative and keep a notebook on my own instead of only writing during journal time, when I have to. I could seriously puke.

  Alexa might be onto something, though. She keeps finding these “nesting” sites, like how deer and elk sleep in the grass and leave it all matted down, but these are much smaller. During the winter she found some huge holes in the ground, or burrows like the ones she dug back in elementary. They’re full of grasses, small animal bones, and berry pits. I told her it’s probably hobos and she should stay away from them, but she thinks she’s found some nomadic, omnivorous mammals who bed down in the grass in the summer and burrow in the win
ter. I think she knows more about it than she’s telling me.

  Nolin’s insides froze as she understood.

  Alexa had found signs of the goblins in the woods, where she’d come from. Where Nolin had come from. No wonder she was obsessed, Nolin thought. I would be too. She read on.

  Now Alexa wants to go camping out there to see if we can find any of these things. I don’t know what she’s thinking. She’s totally obsessed! The weirdest thing is, I talked to our biology teacher and she said Alexa hasn’t told her anything about a project. Alexa’s lying to me, and I want to know why.

  Her heart pounding, Nolin flipped the page.

  Blank. The rest of the journal was empty.

  But tucked into the back of the book was a folded, wrinkled piece of paper. Nolin carefully unfolded it.

  It was the missing page from the back of Melissa’s yearbook. A picture of Alexa, larger than any of the others in the yearbooks, the face marked out with black sharpie. There were words along the top:

  In Memory of Alexa Mitchell

  June 1, 1969 - May 18, 1985

  Rest in Peace

  Nolin ran her fingers over the scribbled-out photo. Alexa died on that camping trip. Why hadn’t Melissa written anything after that?

  Her back ached from hunching over on Melissa’s bedroom floor. She got to her feet and pressed her shoulders back, then slowly straightened her sore legs. Her hamstrings and the backs of her knees screamed. She’d probably never sat in one position for so long.

  “What…the…HELL…are you doing?”

  Nolin felt like she’d been doused in a bucket of ice water, and she jerked around.

  Melissa stood in the doorway, face red with fury, blue veins shining through the papery skin of her neck.

  “I...” Nolin stammered, her blood turning to ice.

  “You little bitch!” Melissa’s gnarled hands balled into fists and she lunged.

  Nolin shot to her feet and instinctively grabbed for Melissa’s forearm. Melissa lurched forward and slammed into Nolin with every measly ounce of her weight, shoving her into the wall. How could she be so strong?

  Her face turned purple with rage. She hissed, flecks of spit flying into Nolin’s eyes. “How dare you. How dare you!”

  Nolin didn’t want to hurt her mother. She shoved Melissa off her and Melissa stumbled backward. Nolin ran for the stairs. Melissa pursued.

  Before Nolin reached the top step, she felt her mother’s claws on her shoulders, then Melissa’s weight hurling into her. Melissa’s enraged howl turned to a scream of fear as she slipped. Nolin stumbled and they both fell forward, tumbling down the stairs.

  Nolin caught herself on the banister, but Melissa rolled over her and landed with the sickening crack of bone as her head hit the tile floor at the bottom.

  Melissa gasped, eyes bulging and then blinking slowly, laying nearly upside down on the stairs. Her leg jutted out at a very wrong angle. The arm she’d tried to hit Nolin with splayed oddly at her side.

  “Oh my god…Mom…Mom.” Nolin scrambled to her mother’s side. She brushed Melissa’s cheek with trembling fingers. Melissa’s head twitched. She tried to move and a small, red smear appeared on the floor from a head wound. Nolin fumbled for the phone in her pocket and dialed 911.

  A voice crackled on the other line. “911, what is your emergency?”

  “Hello? My mother’s fallen and she has a head injury…”

  “Do you require an ambulance?”

  She gave the operator the address. Melissa’s eyes rolled up to meet Nolin’s, the whites visible all the way around the gray irises.

  “Oh god, I’m so sorry Mom. I’m so sorry.”

  Nolin was afraid to move her in case her spine was damaged. She threaded her fingers through her mother’s. Melissa didn’t resist.

  “Help’s coming, Mom. Tell me about your drawings. Can you tell me about your drawings? Anything?”

  “My...drawings...” Melissa wheezed.

  “Yes, what do you like to draw?”

  She had to keep her talking. Melissa’s eyes opened and shut slowly. Nolin had to keep her awake before she was swallowed by sleep.

  ***

  Nolin didn’t tell them what happened, except that she slipped. No one questioned it, or at least, they didn’t show they did. Maybe they just didn’t have the time to show suspicion, or perhaps they simply didn’t believe a daughter could harm her mother.

  Nolin rode in the ambulance, tears searing hot trails down her cheeks so that she could barely see the figures hunched over her mother’s skeletal form on the stretcher. Melissa looked so fragile, like a child.

  Once they reached the hospital, an hour seemed to stretch into days. Nolin waited for a doctor to tell her what she’d done, what was broken, how Melissa was. Eventually, a middle-aged man with silver-rimmed glasses and a white lab coat approached her.

  “She has a nasty concussion and some stitches in her head,” he told her. “She also broke her hip. She’s extremely undernourished, so her bones are quite fragile. A tumble down the stairs could injure anyone, but was much more serious for her. She has the bones of someone much older. She dislocated a shoulder as well, but that’s back in now and shouldn’t leave any lasting complications.”

  Nolin sighed with relief, but her stomach still churned with anxiety. “She’ll be okay?” she croaked, her voice edged with pleading.

  “We’ll need to operate on the hip, and healing will be slow. She might not heal completely. She should heal, though.” He inhaled, breaking eye contact.

  What had she done?

  It happened so fast. Melissa burst in and within seconds, was on the floor bleeding with her limbs splayed out every which way. Just one touch; that’s all it took.

  “I have some other concerns though, that I’d like to discuss with you...” The doctor cleared his throat and looked down at the clipboard again, his face growing pale. “She’s very malnourished, you see, and her liver and kidneys are failing. She actually had a minor heart attack in the ambulance on the way over. We’ve got her on a feeding tube, but her organs might be damaged permanently.”

  Nolin swallowed hard. “What does that mean? Is she going to be okay?” Nolin glared at him. He met her gaze only briefly before his small eyes darted back to his clipboard. He cleared his throat again.

  “It’s too soon to tell. Her injuries are serious, but we’re far more concerned about organ failure. To be honest, I’m surprised she’s still alive.”

  His words hit like a kick in Nolin’s gut. Surprised she’s still alive? Had it gotten that bad?

  “We’re doing everything we can,” the doctor added quickly. “She might be just fine, but again, it’s too soon to say. She’ll need to be here for a while. If she’s still kicking after so many years of malnourishment, she’s tough.”

  Nolin stuffed her hands in her pockets to keep them from lashing out and throttling the man, just to have a way to release her fury at herself.

  She should never have run away. She should have stayed home, forced Melissa to eat, even if that meant sitting on her and prying her jaws apart. She should have checked Melissa into rehab. Now, it might be too late.

  The doctor reached out a hand in what might have been a comforting gesture. Nolin jerked away.

  The doctor left, scribbling something on his clipboard and shaking his head. Nolin sat on a chair in the hall and buried her head in her hands, her fingers digging into her scalp. She rocked back and forth just like she’d seen Melissa do during anxiety attacks.

  I really am a monster, Nolin thought miserably.

  She’d better leave, she decided. The farther away she was from Melissa, the better. She was too dangerous to stay. She stood to leave, but realized she’d ridden to the hospital in the ambulance and had no way to get home. Could she walk? No, the house was miles away.

  Finally, she pulled her phone from her pocket and dialed Drew’s number.

  “Hey,” he answered. “Weren’t we meeting for lunch? I was about
to call you...”

  “Drew,” Nolin wheezed, another wave of tears rising in her eyes.

  Drew paused, the line silent for a moment. “What’s wrong?”

  “Melissa’s in the hospital,” Nolin whimpered. “She fell down the stairs...”

  There was a rustling sound, like he was suddenly moving. “Are you at the hospital?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, I’ll be right there.”

  Nolin nodded and remembered he couldn’t see her. When he hung up, she sat and stared at the wall, feeling utterly alone. Guilt ripped at her insides.

  Nolin checked the time. Drew wouldn’t arrive for at least another ten minutes.

  Her legs shook as she pushed herself out of the chair and craned her neck to see into the room where her mother was. There didn’t seem to be anyone else in there, so she slipped inside. She felt like a criminal even standing next to Melissa, knowing what she had done. It was an accident, she told herself. But maybe some sick part of her had wanted it to happen. Some evil part of her made it happen.

  I’m a monster.

  Melissa was asleep, or maybe she was drugged. A bandage wrapped around her head. A thin, clear feeding tube was taped to her cheek and threaded up her nose. Just looking at it made Nolin feel sick.

  Melissa’s mouth slacked open. She looked much, much older than forty-one. Thin, bony arms poked from the sheet-like hospital gown. She looked tiny and alone in the sterile hospital bed.

  She stepped forward and carefully placed her hand over Melissa’s, half-expecting her to jump, to snap awake and yell at her. She was still. Melissa’s hand was cold and dry. It felt more like a wadded-up piece of paper than a human hand.

  Drew texted her.

  I’m in the lobby. I’m not family, so they won’t let me up. Come on down when you’re ready.

  “I’m so sorry,” Nolin said quietly to Melissa. “For everything. I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry for what I am.” She could say more, but the words dried up in her throat.