The Dilemma

by B. A. Paris

  Something breaks in me. I start laughing, because the alternative would be to weep.

  For a moment, Nelson lets me laugh. And then he lays a heavy hand on my shoulder.

  ‘You must think I’m mad,’ I say, pressing my eyes with the heel of my hand.

  ‘Whatever it is, you’ll get through it,’ he says. ‘You all will, we all will. Whatever it is.’

  Livia

  I look over to where Nelson and Adam are sitting together on the wall and another layer of worry adds to the anxiety I’m already feeling about Adam. I watch for a minute, noticing how distressed he looks, and then I catch my name. My heart sinks. This can’t be about the present he still hasn’t given me, can it?

  Just as I’m wondering if I should interrupt, Adam starts laughing. I haven’t heard him laugh all day and at first, I’m pleased that he’s relaxed a bit. But then I realise that there’s something almost desperate about his laughter and Nelson notices it too, because he puts his hand on Adam’s shoulder and says something quietly to him. And Adam’s laughter stops as quickly as it started.

  I’m glad Adam made it out from wherever he was hiding in time for the cake. I thought he might bring the box with him, the one I saw sticking out from under the table earlier, but he didn’t. Somehow, I don’t think I’m going to be getting my present tonight. I can’t help speculating about what it might be. The box is far too large for the handbag I thought I might be getting, but it could be a smokescreen.

  It’s not only me who’s thinking about the box, because suddenly Rob is staggering up the steps with it, not because it’s heavy but because of its size.

  ‘Hey, Adam!’ he calls over. ‘Haven’t you forgotten something? This is for Livia, right? The only problem is, I think you might have forgotten to put the present inside.’

  ‘Put it down!’ Adam’s voice rings out, cutting through the music. ‘Don’t touch it!’ He leaps to his feet, his face dark with anger. Heads turn towards him. He looks as if he’s going to lunge at Rob, and a huge part of me is willing him on.

  Nelson places a restraining hand on his arm and for a moment, no-one moves.

  ‘Sorry, mate,’ Rob says, dropping the box on the ground. It falls onto its side and the top flaps open, exposing its empty interior. ‘I didn’t mean any harm.’

  I know how much it is costing Adam to keep hold of his temper.

  ‘It’s alright,’ he says, forcing a quick smile. ‘It’s just that there’s been a bit of a problem with my present for Livia and I was hoping nobody would notice that I haven’t given her anything yet. Now, everybody has.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter!’ I call over. ‘I’ve had the best present ever with this lovely party!’

  Everybody begins cheering and clapping and the moment is soon forgotten, especially by Rob, who leaps down the steps onto the terrace and begins dancing along to Village People’s ‘YMCA’, while Jess hides her face in mock-embarrassment. I turn my back on the scene, unable to look at Rob a moment longer, and bump into Paula.

  ‘I’m going to leave now, Livia,’ she says.

  ‘Now that you’ve had the cake?’ I tease.

  She laughs. ‘I’m so glad that your mum turned up,’ she says, because everybody knows now. ‘It’ll be lovely if you can both put the past behind you and move on.’

  ‘We’re going to have a damn good try,’ I say, suddenly feeling tearful.

  ‘Make the most of it,’ she says. ‘Family is everything. I wish mine weren’t so far away. I feel so alone sometimes.’

  ‘Oh, Paula,’ I say, dismayed. ‘You’re not alone. You have friends all around you and look at all the things you’ve been doing since you retired.’

  ‘It’s not the same as having family around, though, is it? I look at you and Adam, at his family – Jeannie and Mike are super, aren’t they? At Josh, and Marnie who will be home soon. I envy you, Livia, not in a horrible way, but I envy you.’

  ‘I know I’m very lucky,’ I say, wishing I didn’t feel so guilty.

  ‘And me – I’m just an individual, filling in time. Yes, I’m meeting people but afterwards they go back to their families and I go back to an empty house.’ She shakes her head sadly. ‘I still can’t believe that both my sons chose to live so far away.’

  ‘I think maybe life chose for them.’

  ‘I know,’ she says. ‘I know it wasn’t a conscious effort to move as far away from me as they could. And they certainly didn’t expect their dad to die so young. What they expected was for me and Tony to live out a long and happy retirement together while they got on with their lives.’

  ‘Exactly. If he’d died before they’d gone to live abroad, they might not have gone.’

  ‘They keep telling me to go and see them,’ she goes on. ‘They say I can stay as long as I like. But it’s so expensive.’

  ‘Why don’t you start saving, like I did for this party? Do you think you could start saving some of your pension?’

  ‘Yes, I’m sure I could.’

  ‘Then every couple of years, you’d have enough for a trip to either Australia or Canada. That way you’d have something to look forward to.’

  Paula nods. ‘You’re right, I would. That’s such a good idea – you never know, this time next year I might be off to Australia!’

  ‘I’d go during the winter months, if I were you. You may as well have some sunshine if you can get it.’

  ‘I’ll aim for November next year. I’ll definitely have saved up enough by then.’ She gives me a hug. ‘Thank you, Livia, I feel so much better about everything now.’ She looks towards the terrace. ‘Maybe I’ll have one last dance before I go.’

  ‘You do that,’ I tell her.

  I watch her go, deciding to invite her over more often. Adam won’t mind, and he can always disappear to his shed so that Paula and I can have a proper chat together. I’m shocked at how lonely she sounded and also by what she said about being envious of me. I hate that I’ve made her feel that way, but it must seem to her that I have it all. I know how lucky I am that I have my family, my friends and my health. At least for now.

  2 A.M. – 3 A.M.

  Adam

  I pick up the box from where Rob dumped it on the lawn and move it out of the way. I know I shouldn’t have yelled at Rob, but the box was Marnie’s idea and I don’t want it damaged.

  My mind goes to the other things I’ll want to keep, things that normally, I’d have thrown away, like her old bike. It’s leaning against the wall in the garage, waiting for me to take it to the tip. I won’t, not now. It was a present for her twelfth birthday, I can see her riding it, the ends of her hair lifting in the wind as she pedalled as fast as she could. And her old desk, which I was going to use for firewood – I’ll restore it instead. How can I ever throw away anything that Marnie has touched, that might still have something of her?

  And there are all the things that Marnie gave me, things I’ve never used, or got around to wearing. Like the multi-coloured Red Herring socks she sent me last Christmas, all the way from Hong Kong. They sit in my drawer, still in their box, because brightly coloured socks aren’t my thing. I wish I’d worn them, just once, and taken a photo to send to her – See, I’m wearing them! And the expensive corkscrew that she gave me for my last birthday and which I’ve never used, because the one in the drawer works perfectly well. I should have used it, I should have at least told her I’d used it.

  ‘So you’re off to Millau.’

  I feel Dad’s hand on my shoulder. I turn to face him and just seeing him gives me strength, because I know that he’ll be here for me in the next hours, days, weeks, months, like he’s always been. He’ll understand why I let the party go ahead, he’ll understand that I wanted Livia to have these last few hours of happiness before her world fell apart. And if he doesn’t – well, he’ll say that he does, because that’s what parents do, they say what we need them to say, at that moment in time.

  ‘Yes,’ I say.

  ‘It’ll do you good to have a break,
even if it’s only for four days. Here.’ He hands me the glass he’s holding. ‘You look as if you could do with a beer.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I take it but I can’t bring myself to drink it. ‘Dad, if someone did something bad but he had good intentions, would you be able to understand why he did it?’

  Dad considers this. ‘You mean like someone robbing a bank because his family are starving?’

  ‘Yes, something like that.’

  ‘Did anyone get hurt while he was robbing the bank?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then, even though it was morally wrong, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. As long as his family really were hungry and it wasn’t to buy the children an Xbox.’

  ‘But what if his wife was really upset with him when she realised that he’d robbed the bank, even though he’d had their best interests at heart?’ I say, adapting myself to his mindset.

  ‘Once they’d had what they wanted, you mean?’

  ‘Yes.’

  He moves to the wall and I follow him over. ‘I think her upset would be more to do with guilt,’ he says, as I sit down beside him. ‘You know, that she’d enjoyed the food when, if she’d known it had been bought with stolen money, she’d have chosen not to eat it.’

  ‘But if he’d told her where the money had come from, and she’d decided not to eat the food, they’d have died of starvation,’ I point out.

  ‘Which is why he didn’t tell her.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘He just wanted his family to be able to enjoy one last meal.’

  My throat swells. ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’d be OK with that.’

  ‘Even though his family will hate him for it?’ I say, my voice tight. ‘Even though he’ll lose them forever?’

  ‘They won’t hate him. Maybe at the beginning. But not forever.’

  ‘I hope you’re right.’

  He turns and looks at me. ‘This person – maybe he should have asked his dad for advice before it got to that point.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I say quietly. ‘Maybe he should have.’

  ‘Why can’t he tell him now?’

  ‘Because he needs to tell his wife first.’

  He sits in silence for a while, giving me the chance to change my mind.

  ‘The party will be over soon,’ he says eventually. ‘It’s been great, exactly what Livia dreamed of.’

  ‘What time is it?’

  He studies his watch, moving it to catch the light coming from the marquee. ‘Ten past two.’

  ‘Can you ask Josh to start winding things down? Get him to play “Unchained Melody”? It’s my song choice, for Livia.’

  ‘I hope you told him the Righteous Brothers’ version.’

  ‘Of course.’

  It’s a couple of minutes before I hear the opening bars play and the memory comes back, of our wedding day, and how we danced to this in the run-down pub and how much I loved her then. How much I love her now.

  I walk down to the terrace, to where Livia is waiting for me, and take her in my arms. We don’t speak, we just dance, our bodies close together, her head on my shoulder, my hand in her hair. And I wonder if this will be the last time she’ll ever let me hold her.

  Livia

  Adam and I are dancing, and I’m so close to crying I can hardly hold back the tears. I know that anyone watching would take them for tears of happiness. But there’s this huge sadness welling up inside me. It’s coming from Adam, seeping from his pores into mine, filling me with a sorrow I don’t understand. I can feel that he’s barely hanging on, that all he wants is for this party to be over and everyone to leave.

  He told me he isn’t ill, but I no longer believe him. It can’t be work; if he’s lost an order for a piece of furniture, it wouldn’t matter. Unless one of his parents is ill? As we circle slowly, I keep an eye out for Jeannie and Mike and when I see them laughing together I know it isn’t about them either.

  Jeannie catches me looking and waves. I smile back. The song comes to an end and I decide to stop worrying. Whatever it is, I’ll know soon enough.

  I see Jess hovering, trying to catch my eye. I go over to her, put my hand on her arm. ‘Is everything alright?’

  ‘It’s Cleo. She’s a bit upset so we’re going to go.’

  ‘Oh no! Is it Charlie?’

  ‘I don’t know. She just came up and asked if we could go. I could see she’d been crying but she wouldn’t say why.’

  ‘Where is she?’

  ‘She’s gone to find Adam, to say goodbye. And I need to find Rob.’

  ‘It’s OK, I’m here,’ he says, appearing over her left shoulder. He gives me a sad look. ‘Looks like we’re going to have to leave your lovely party, Livvy.’

  ‘It’s almost over anyway,’ I say, my teeth on edge. I hate it when he calls me Livvy because it’s what Mike calls me and I don’t want anyone else using it, least of all Rob.

  ‘I’ll go and get the car.’ He tries to give me a hug but I turn to Jess quickly.

  ‘Thank you for coming, and for the spa and the swimming costume and for being the best friend in the world,’ I say, hugging her more tightly than I’ve ever hugged her before, aware that this might be one of the last times she’ll ever speak to me. ‘I’ll always remember today as being one of the best days of my life.’

  She laughs softly. ‘You sound as if we’re never going to see each other again. Have a lovely holiday in France, and make sure you come over and tell me about it when you get back.’

  ‘And you make sure you take care of yourself,’ I tell her fiercely.

  ‘I will.’ She looks around. ‘I don’t suppose you can go and find Cleo? Tell her we’re waiting in the car?’

  ‘Of course,’ I say, giving her a last hug. ‘Bye, Rob.’ I don’t even look at him.

  ‘Bye, Livvy, enjoy your holiday,’ he says, as Jess takes his arm.

  But I’ve already gone, because I’ve just spotted Cleo and Adam on the other side of the terrace. They’re standing close together, and even though they have their backs to me, I know Cleo is in tears. I hurry over to rescue Adam.

  ‘You should tell Livia,’ I hear Cleo say, her voice wobbling all over the place. ‘You have to tell her about Marnie, she has to know.’

  I freeze, a terrible dread spreading though me. Cleo knows? I step quickly behind the grey water butt, not wanting them to see me, my heart thudding horribly in my chest, questions tumbling through my brain. How does Cleo know? And when did she find out? She was fine earlier on, so it must be recent. Did Marnie tell her? She wouldn’t have, not tonight, not during my party. Max, then? But why would he do that, why would he be so cruel? Or did Cleo somehow guess? Maybe Marnie and Rob gave something away while they were in Hong Kong, and she spoke to Max about it, told him what she feared. And Max wouldn’t have been able to lie to her. Or maybe she saw an incriminating text on Rob’s phone, or overheard a conversation between him and Marnie, maybe Marnie phoned him at the party. But if she managed to get wi-fi, wouldn’t she have phoned me as well?

  ‘I will tell her, as soon as I know for sure.’ Adam sounds so desperate, so broken that I hate myself. I should have told him weeks ago, then he wouldn’t have had to find out like this.

  ‘Do you still think there’s a chance, then, that we’re wrong?’

  ‘Yes,’ he says firmly and I feel weak with gratitude that they don’t actually know, they only suspect.

  ‘So when will you know? When are you going to try and find out?’

  ‘As soon as everyone has gone.’

  ‘Will you let me know? Straightaway? Even if it’s the middle of the night. Even if it’s bad.’ She chokes on the word.

  ‘Yes,’ he says, giving her a hug.

  ‘Promise?’

  ‘Promise.’

  She looks up at him. ‘You’re so brave.’

  ‘No, I’m not.’ His voice is low. ‘I’m anything but.’ He turns towards her, puts his hands on her upper arms and moves her back slightly so that he can see strai
ght into her eyes. ‘Can I ask you to do something for me, Cleo? Will you not say anything to your parents, not just yet. I need to tell Livia first.’

  She nods. ‘Alright.’

  His body sags in relief. ‘Thank you.’

  He releases her, and realising that the moment he looks up, he could see me standing in the shadow of the water butt, I move out and hurry forward as if I’ve just arrived.

  ‘Cleo, I’m so sorry, your mum says you’re not feeling well,’ I say, putting an arm around her. ‘She’s gone down to the car with your dad.’ I stop abruptly. How could I be so insensitive as to mention him when she’s just found out that he’s been having an affair with Marnie? I wait for her to burst into tears but thankfully she doesn’t. ‘Shall I take you?’

  ‘No, it’s fine, thank you,’ she mumbles. ‘Thank you for a lovely party.’

  She leaves and it’s just me and Adam. I’m so tense, I can’t look at him.

  ‘Poor Cleo,’ he says and I realise that he’s not looking at me either. ‘Is it Charlie, do you think?’

  ‘Probably,’ I say, playing along. ‘I think they’ve been having a few problems.’

  ‘Shall we start getting people out the door?’

  ‘Yes, it must be around half two now.’

  The next thirty minutes pass in a blur of matching phones to owners, and saying goodbyes and thank yous.

  Sometime during the evening, realising there was quite a bit of food left over, I invited Jeannie and Mike, Izzy and Ian, and Kirin and Nelson to come for lunch tomorrow, but only because I knew that Jess and Rob wouldn’t be able to come, as Jess had already mentioned that they had plans.

  ‘Maybe we should sleep here,’ I hear Izzy joke.

  ‘Why?’ Adam asks.

  ‘Well, we have to be back here in a few hours for lunch.’

  A frown crosses his face. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Livia invited us to come and eat the leftovers. Mum and Dad too.’

  ‘And Nelson and Kirin,’ I say.