A Hard Place to Breathe

by Barbara C. Doyle

  “But is that because you don’t want to?”

  Now I was confused. “Want to what?”

  She was toying with her sleeve again. “Are you not reading into it because you don’t want to or because you don’t think it’ll work out?”

  I sighed. “I really don’t know, Tara.”

  “I think you do,” she muttered under her breath.

  “Why are you so interested in this?”

  “The truth?”

  “Duh.”

  She looked at me for a long moment before answering, which made me wonder if she was trying to work up the courage to lay out her thoughts. Sometimes that frightened me, because when she was passionate about something, she didn’t back down from it.

  “I don’t think you realize what kind of guy you really deserve, so you settle for the ones that only want sex. That way, you won’t have to decide if you really want anything more from them.”

  I just stared at her.

  “I read this study once about people who preferred the hookup culture over doing the whole commitment thing, and I read that they tend to have problems accepting the possibility of love, so they end up settling. But that isn’t really a way to live.”

  Before I could stop myself, I said, “Says the girl who hasn’t dated anybody. Ever.”

  Her cheeks turned pink. “I want to focus on building my future before I start dating or settling down with anybody. But you…”

  “There’s nothing wrong with casual sex, Tara.”

  “I never said there was.”

  One of my brows arched up. “Really?” I challenged. “Because what I’m getting from this conversation is that my casual sex life is something that I should change.”

  She groaned. “That isn’t what I’m saying. I just see how you act around those types of guys. Like the guy from yesterday. You weren’t really interested in him, but you flirted anyway. You always do that with guys who we both know aren’t what you’re looking for.”

  “And how would you know what I’m looking for?”

  “I don’t,” she admitted. “But what I do know is that you act completely different around Ezra than those other guys. I think that means something.”

  “It just means that he’s a decent guy,” I countered casually. I meant it too. Ezra was stepping out of his way to help me. He didn’t have to, but he did.

  “Do you always get all weird around decent guys?”

  She thought I was acting weird?

  “Come on,” she all but complained. “Do you not realize that you get kinda flustered around him? I never see you blush or stutter or anything with other guys. But you do with him.”

  My eyes widened. “I don’t do any of those things!”

  “You even looked shocked when he gave you his number. It was like you’d never had that happen before, but just yesterday some douche canoe wrote his number on your arm.”

  I giggled. “You only think he’s a douche canoe because he took your pen without asking.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “That was my favorite pen.”

  I smirked. “Look, I appreciate you trying to psychoanalyze me, but I don’t need it. Maybe I act differently around Ezra because I’m not used to being around decent guys. You know my track record isn’t the best.”

  “Well you choose the people you always go after…”

  “No more,” I whined.

  She muttered something under her breath and leaned back in the chair, crossing her arms on her chest. I knew she had a lot more to say, but I wasn’t in the mood to hear it. She was never interested in the guys I involved myself with, so the fact she was suddenly interested in making me and Ezra happen was beyond what I could comprehend.

  Thankfully, the doctor came in before another conversation could come up.

  “Hello, Miss. Morgen,” the salt and pepper haired doctor greeted, holding out his hand.

  “Ashley is fine,” I told him, shaking.

  He looked over the information that the nurse wrote down before saying, “How about you tell me what happened so I can get a better idea of how to help.”

  I didn’t really feel like retelling the epic failure that was my shower last night, but I hoped it would be the last time to tell it. So I told him exactly what happened, and how I fell twice, making sure I mentioned the other areas I’d hurt in the process.

  After looking over my knee, and even pressing on it lightly (which made me swear profanity that would probably put my mother to shame) he jotted something down on a piece of paper before looking back at me.

  “All right, Ashley. What I’d like to do is get an X-ray of your knee to see if there’s any damage done from the fall. I’m thinking this may be a sprain, and fluid built up right after you got the injury. If that’s the case, I’d like to try draining that fluid out.”

  I paled. “Will that hurt?”

  He sat down on the stool in front of my bed. “I admit it may be uncomfortable, but there’s a good chance the pressure you’re feeling in your knee will reduce quite a bit. You’ll still need to keep it elevated and iced, and I’d highly recommend a knee brace. But first, I want to make sure there’s nothing more going on. Now, your ankle could be sprained too based on the details you gave me of your fall, but you said that it didn’t necessarily hurt?”

  I shook my head no.

  “I’ll have an X-ray done of your ankle as well to be sure, but I think our main focus will be on the knee. Okay?”

  I just nodded, because I didn’t know what else to say. Tara gave my hand a comforting squeeze. I was probably as white as the sheets I was laying on, because I sure in hell felt it. I didn’t like being poked and prodded, and getting my knee drained sounded terrifying, although I was probably thinking it was ten times worse than it really would be.

  Tara didn’t come along while I went to get the X-rays done, so she stayed behind in the room to wait. I gave her my phone so she could update Ezra from the waiting room.

  It only took about twenty minutes before they got the pictures they needed and had me sent back up to my room in the clinic.

  I was surprised when I saw Ezra standing next to Tara with his hands stuffed in the pockets of his dark wash jeans. I couldn’t help but notice the little clearing where his jacket rode up, showing off taunt skin and that incredibly sculpted stomach I saw yesterday.

  I quickly looked away before he caught me staring. He, along with the nurse, helped me back onto the bed. The nurse propped up my leg back onto the pillows, and asked if I needed anything before leaving.

  “I thought maybe you’d want extra support,” Ezra said, as if I asked for an explanation for him being in here all the sudden.

  I couldn’t help but see Tara’s lips tip up into a knowing smile. So I shot her a look to make sure she knew I was watching her. The smile disappeared.

  All I said to him was, “Thanks.”

  “Did they tell you anything?” he asked.

  He wasn’t going to stop trying.

  “Nope. Waiting for the doctor to tell me.”

  Apparently I summoned the doctor with those words, because he came walking in with a smile on his face. I assumed that meant it was good news.

  “We’re just dealing with a knee sprain,” he said happily. “So I am going to go ahead and get your knee drained, and we’ll get you some pain and anti-inflammatory medicine to take before trying to put a brace on. What I want you to do is make sure you keep the brace on for at least a week, only taking it off to shower. Also, keep it elevated and ice it whenever you get the chance. It’ll help the swelling to reduce and hopefully stop any more fluid coming back. Take ibuprofen or Tylenol when you need it, it’ll help with the pain.”

  I nodded along with his instructions.

  “If your friends want to stay for support while I get the fluid out, they’re welcome to. I will say it’s not the prettiest of sights, so if either of you have a weak stomach…”

  Tara stilled next to me.

  I gave her a knowing look. “You ca
n wait outside if you want. I’ll be okay.”

  She frowned. “Are you sure?”

  “I’ll stay with her,” Ezra promised.

  I looked at him in surprise. “You don’t have to—”

  “I want to,” he insisted.

  Tara cracked another smile. “Well, if you insist.”

  My eyes narrowed at her sudden change in mood. Was she trying to get Ezra and me alone together?

  I didn’t bother asking before she escaped past the curtain, pulling it closed behind her. I jumped a little when I saw a needle being pulled out of a drawer from the cupboards on the side wall of the room.

  My expression must have said plenty, because suddenly Ezra’s hand was on mine. He intertwined our fingers so our hands were locked together, and I heard my traitorous heart beat a little faster from the touch.

  I gulped when the doctor came toward me.

  Then I passed out.

  6

  I definitely passed out, which was probably a good thing because I didn’t want to be awake to watch my knee get drained. Even the thought of it gave me goose bumps. Thankfully, Ezra didn’t pick on me for what happened, because I wasn’t sure I could handle being teased for my fear of needles. I wanted to think I was stronger than that.

  The ride back to the apartment building was a short one, filled with silence. The pain medication they gave me was still working, so my knee didn’t hurt nearly as badly as it did when I first arrived. And the doctor was right, the pressure wasn’t as bad now that the fluid was drained.

  Tara stepped out first, grabbing the crutches they gave me at the hospital to use and bringing them to my door. Ezra was out next, and already playing gentlemen by opening up my door and helping me step out without hurting myself.

  I couldn’t help but think his hold on me lasted a little longer than it needed to, because when I was finally out of the truck, his hands were still on my waist.

  I cleared my throat. “I’m good now.”

  He jerked his hands away like he didn’t know they were still there.

  Tara giggled and passed me my crutches, not making eye contact with me because she knew I was shooting daggers at her. The more weird she acted around Ezra and me, the weirder it really would be between us. And things were already off as they were.

  Ezra followed close behind me up the stairs to make sure that I didn’t fall trying to go up with the crutches. It was probably a good idea since I fell over and hit somebody’s car on the way out to his truck, since I insisted on him not coming over to the exit like he wanted. The alarm on the car I fell onto sounded, and we rushed away before anyone thought we were trying to break in.

  When we made it to the door, Tara grabbed the keys and got ahead of me to open it.

  I looked at Ezra. “So…thanks again for taking me to get checked out.”

  He nodded. “Anytime.”

  Tara had the door opened now. She looked between us for a moment before gesturing for me to come in.

  I went to take a step, but Ezra had wrapped his hand around my arm to stop me. “Can we talk for a minute? We never really finished our conversation at the hospital earlier.”

  What conversation?

  The look I gave him must have reflected my confusion. He pointed his thumb behind him toward his apartment door. “I want to explain why I haven’t been around as much like I was when we first met.”

  Oh. That conversation.

  I looked at Tara. “I’ll be there in a few.”

  “I’ll leave the door unlocked for you,” she told me, closing it behind her.

  I followed him into his apartment, feeling slightly embarrassed when I stumbled on the rug he had in his hallway leading toward the living area. His apartment was pretty much the same as ours. Neutral beige walls, hardwood kitchen floor and hallway, and carpeted living room. The entryway was a narrow hallway that led to the open kitchen and living area, along with three doors on the walls that I assumed were the two bedrooms and bathroom.

  Besides the furniture being what most guys typically had in their apartments, there wasn’t much new to see. He had a futon in his living room that sat across from an entertainment system with a flat screen tv that was bigger than any I’d ever seen. It made ours look pathetic. He didn’t have anything on the walls beside a few pictures of what I assumed were his dogs, and one of him and some girl.

  “Girlfriend?” I asked quietly, gesturing toward the picture. The way he had his arm draped across the redhead’s shoulder made me think she was. She was pretty—lean body, what appeared to be decent curves and long legs that even I envied a little.

  He chuckled. “Big sister, actually.”

  Oh. I blushed.

  “So…” I murmured, sitting down on his futon.

  He stuffed his hands in his pockets again. “Did you want anything to drink? I have some soda in the fridge. I think I have sweet tea too.”

  I shook my head no. “I’m good, thanks though.”

  He smiled. “You comfortable?”

  Why was he making small talk? “What did you want to say, Ezra. I honestly just want to go back to my apartment and rest for a little while. This day hasn’t exactly been the greatest.”

  He frowned, and took his hands out of his pockets. I admit, I could have been nicer. But I really was tired and wanted to nap so I could just escape what I’d gone through today.

  But I also had to admit that I was interested in whatever it was that he had to say.

  “I wanted to apologize,” he said, taking me off guard.

  My brows drew together. “For what?”

  He sat down next to me. “After we hung out I had some family stuff come up. It kind of caught me off guard, and I wasn’t exactly feeling myself. I actually left to go back to see my dad for a few days, and that’s not really my favorite thing to do.”

  Oh, God. He had daddy issues?

  I internally groaned.

  “Him and I never really got along that well,” he admitted, almost sheepish like he was embarrassed by it. “So whenever I have to see him, my mood changes. He made it clear long ago that I was definitely not his favorite kid.”

  My heart broke a little hearing that. “That kinda sucks, Ezra. Did he ever say that to you? Cause that would be a total douche thing to do.”

  He gave me an amused smirk. “He never really said it like that. It was more the way he acted with me. I have a few other siblings, some half and some full biological. To be honest, he saw me as the mistake. I was the result of an affair he had with some random chick that reeled him in, and his marriage was never really the same when I came to light. Apparently, he blames me for his actions.”

  Wow. What an asshat.

  “Anyway,” he continued, “My sister called not long after I left your apartment the weekend we hung out. She said that I needed to come home and deal with some family drama. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have gone. I didn’t really want to see my dad. I moved away from home to get away from him and most of my other family.”

  “Except your sister?”

  He smiled warmly. “Yeah, except Sarah. She’s pretty cool, I think you two would get along.”

  I smiled at him in reply.

  “She’s actually my half-sister,” he told me, as if that made a difference. “Same dad, different mom. But it’s kind of funny, because I like her better than my full biological siblings.”

  I laughed. “Sounds like you two are close.”

  He nodded. “We are. That picture up there was actually taken over winter break. She and I have this tradition where we escape our families and just have time to ourselves since most of the time we’re surrounded by a shit show.”

  I grinned, leaning back into the futon. “Sounds like my family. Only I don’t usually get to escape with anybody unless I’m here.”

  “Did you move here to get away?”

  I nodded. “It’s not like my parents are bad people,” I told him quietly. “They’re great people. Hard working, caring, considerate. T
he works. But so much happened in the last few years that just kind of changed how I see that town.” I looked at him. “Sorry, I just made this kind of depressing.”

  He waved it off. “You didn’t. I like when you talk. Seems like your parents are pretty good people. What do they think about you being here?”

  “You mean as an escape? They don’t really see it that way,” I admitted, toying with the crutch that was leaning against my leg. “I mean I wanted to come to this college. I like it here. I used to be in the dorms like any normal college kid when they first start out. But when I was a freshman, things were different. I would look forward to coming home and spending time with my family. I never really saw this place as an escape when I started attending.”

  “What happened?”

  My sister was murdered.

  “My sister,” I whispered.

  “The one you were talking about earlier?”

  I nodded, feeling tears threaten my eyes. I quickly pushed them back, because I had no intention of blubbering right now. “I’m not going to talk about it, because I really don’t want to. No offense. It’s just difficult. All I’ll say is that she was an amazing person who deserved so much more than what she got, and going home and not seeing her there sucks. Being here means living a separate life—one where I don’t have to think about her or my parents. Not that I don’t think about them ever, but it’s nice to not have it be the focus of your entire mind.”

  He nodded along, seemingly understanding. “I get that more than you probably know. The shit that went down with my family was the last straw for me. Moving here has been the best choice I made in a very long time.”

  Seemed like Oneonta was the place for that.

  We sat in silence for a few moments before he spoke up again. “Anyway, that’s why I haven’t quite been in the talkative mood lately. I wasn’t trying to avoid you in the way you probably thought.”

  “And what way was that?” I questioned.

  His eyes flashed a brilliant blue. “I think it’s pretty obvious that there’s something between us. And it’s not just because I saw you naked.”

  My face heated up. “Believe me, I usually look much better naked. Last night was not one of my finer moments.”