“You okay?” I asked her when she looked at me.
Her brown eyes were dull, and it looked like she had bags under them. She also looked paler than usual, which made me wonder if she was getting sick. She was constantly keeping busy, so it had to catch up with her after a while.
She waved it off. “Just tired. Long day.”
She wouldn’t look me in the eyes though.
I wasn’t going to let that go, but I wasn’t going to ask while my parents were here. Who knew what was going on? Whatever it was, I had a better chance at finding out when it was just the two of us.
“If you don’t mind I’m going to get to my room,” she told me, gripping her backpack in one hand. “I got like three new assignments due by Friday.”
“Always a hard worker,” Dad praised.
She beamed. “Shooting for a 4.0 this semester.”
“You always shoot for a 4.0,” I said.
“And you always get it, if I remember correctly,” Mom said, smiling warmly at Tara.
Tara’s cheeks reddened. “Well hard work looks good on resumes.”
“That they do,” Dad agreed, eyeing me.
I met his gaze.
Tara dismissed herself into her room.
“I saw that look,” I murmured to dad. “I may not get the grades that Tara does, but that doesn’t mean I don’t put the work in.”
“We never said you didn’t,” Mom replied calmly.
Dad shook his head. “You used to be so involved in school. You were an A student all throughout high school, Ashley. It’s obvious that something changed.”
Duh.
“People change, Dad.”
“True,” he agreed. “But you never get As anymore, and you can’t tell me that the classes you’re taking are all hard, because I won’t buy it.”
“Geez,” I groaned dramatically. “You act like I get Ds in everything. So what if I’m not an A student anymore? College is nothing like high school. The classes are different, the assignments are different, and the grading is different. I still get a lot of Bs.”
“And Cs,” he added.
“Why do I bother being honest with you about my grades and GPA if you’re only going to criticize me?” I questioned.
“Honey—”
“No,” I cut mom off. “Obviously things changed. In high school I was nothing more than the nerd with her head in the books all of the time. I loved getting good grades, sure. But that wasn’t everything. I just didn’t know who I was in high school, because I never went out and tried to figure it out. College helped me figure out who I want to be.”
“Bull,” Dad claimed. “You were doing perfectly fine in school until…”
“Don’t you dare,” I warned, my voice shaky.
“You can’t let Bryn’s death control your life forever,” he said quietly. “You were doing fine in school until she passed away. Then you started acting out and acting…not yourself. I’m not going to pretend like I don’t know about your party life or the fact you drink. You should have fun at college, Ashley. But you’re throwing away your life. And for what?”
“For what?” I whispered, shocked he even had to ask such a stupid question.
Mom tried to break the conversation up. “How about we just take a step back and cool down a minute, huh? Your father only wants to make sure that you’re okay.”
I snorted unenthusiastically. “You guys have expectations for me, and he wants to make sure I live up to them.”
“Not true,” he informed me, his eyes crinkling. “I just want my little girl back, not whoever this shell of a woman is.”
That stung.
Mom squeezed his hand and gave him a warning glare. She knew that what he said got to me, and she knew that if she didn’t diffuse the conversation then shit was going to hit the fan.
I had no interest in continuing the conversation though. Apparently that was the old me that would have kept on arguing. The new me—this supposed shell of a woman—was going to walk away.
“Ashley,” Mom called as I got my crutches and turned to go to my room.
“You know where the door is,” was all I said before I shut my door behind me.
By the end of the night I had two missed calls from home, three text messages from mom, and a voicemail from dad. Did I answer any of them? Nope.
Tara overheard the conversation and came to check on me a while after mom and dad left. She knew that I needed to cool off before she could talk to me about it.
“They’re just looking out for you.”
As if I didn’t already know that.
“They could look out for me without insulting me,” I pointed out gingerly.
She played with the stuffed bear that was on the corner of my bed. “I don’t think he meant it as an insult, Ash. I just think he wanted to point out that you’re not the same version of you that he’s used to.”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course I’m not. Nobody stays the same boring ass person they were in high school. He just doesn’t like the fact that I’ve grown up.”
She shrugged and didn’t say anything, which meant she actually had a hell of a lot to say.
“What?” I demanded knowingly. “Don’t tell me that you’re on his side.”
She shook her head quickly. “I’m not on his side. You know I’m always on yours. Look, I’m not saying that what he said is true. But you aren’t just a little different than you were in high school. It’s not like he’s referring to the days you used to stay at home with them and watch Family Feud versus going out and partying all night and coming back tipsy. That’s typical college transition behavior. You’re…different in other ways.”
“Your point?”
“You’re getting angry.”
I clenched my hands into fists. “Because I’m sick of being told I’m a different person! It’s like everyone thinks I’m a disappointment because I decided I didn’t want to be that girl anymore!”
She reached for my hand with a frown set on her face. “I can promise you that nobody thinks you’re a disappointment. Especially not your dad. Or your mom for that matter. But think about it, Ash. What did you tell me in the library when I asked you if you ever regretted not being somebody else? You told me not to pretend to be somebody I’m not. Don’t you think that applies to you too?”
Was she seriously using my own words against me?
“That’s different,” I told her.
It wasn’t.
She shook her head. “Keep telling yourself that, Ash. Maybe one day you’ll actually believe it.”
My jaw ticked.
She put the stuffed animal down. “Listen, you’re my best friend and I want to make sure that you’re okay. But let’s be real, girl. You’re not okay, and you haven’t been for a long time. Not since Bryn.”
I looked down at my lap.
“I’m not saying that’s not understandable,” she continued quietly. “I don’t know what I’d do if something like that happened to one of my brothers. I just think you’re trying so hard to forget that you’re not really sure who you are anymore. Your dad had a point, and I hate to say that. No, don’t give me that look! I’m not saying you’re a shell of woman, but the person I met in high school was eerily like me, and now it’s like you’re on a completely different playing field.”
I pressed my lips together.
“But what’s going to happen when the excuses you have to go out and be somebody you’re not aren’t there anymore? We’re graduating in May. Pretty soon the parties are going to be over, and hopefully same with the drinking. What then, Ash?”
I closed my eyes to hold back the tears that I knew wanted to escape. I held them back and took a deep breath.
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“Well I’m here for when you want to try figuring that out,” she told me, getting off my bed.
I caught her hand. “Wait a minute.”
She waited.
“There’s something going on with you,”
I accused.
“Are you trying to change the subject?”
“I thought that conversation was over, since you were leaving,” I returned.
“You’re right,” she muttered. She pulled her arm away from my grasp. “There is something going on but I don’t want to talk about it right now. It’s no big deal.”
“You sure?”
She nodded. “Just try to relax the rest of the day. I’ll tell you another time. ’Kay?”
No. I nodded though.
Before she left she said, “And call you parents. They’ve been texting me like crazy people.”
I smiled. “Sorry.”
She shrugged. “They care about you. We all do.”
“I know you do.”
She closed my door behind her.
I stared at my phone and shot mom a text message.
Me: I’m sorry I asked you to leave
Mom: Your dad shouldn’t have said what he did
Me: According to Tara, he wasn’t wrong
Mom: And according to you?
I stared at the message for a solid minute before I could muster up an answer.
Me: I’m figuring it out
Mom: He loves you
Me: I know
Mom: We don’t want to see you give up everything you worked for in high school
Me: I’m not…
Mom: Can you promise me something?
Me: You know I don’t do promises
Mom: Just take care of yourself. You’re so close to being done with college. There’s so much out in the world for you to see still
Me: If you’re worried that something will happen to me, don’t. I can take care of myself
Mom: I know, Ashley. But I worry
Me: I’m not Bryn
I cringed as soon as I hit send on the last message. I didn’t bring her up very often to either of my parents, because I never knew when it was appropriate.
No amount of time that passed would ever make accepting she’s gone any easier.
After about two minutes, I got her reply.
Mom: Oh, sweetie. If you only knew how untrue that really is…
I didn’t reply back, and I suspected she didn’t expect me to. We both knew the truth, even if I didn’t want to admit it.
I turned my phone off.
10
By the end of the week I had vegetated enough where I was finally able to ditch my crutches and walk around without them. Between constantly having my knee elevated and iced, it was able to heal the way it needed to. I still kept the brace on it, figuring I’d keep it on for an extra day or two and see how I did.
The rest of the week had been uneventful, and to be honest I couldn’t have been happier about it. Usually I was restless from not having anything to do, but staying in and just focusing on classes was a nice change from my usual routine.
Dad probably would have been happy if he knew.
When I’d gone out to a party a classmate invited me to, I tried getting Tara to go. She had about ten different excuses as to why we shouldn’t, so I left her behind and hit up the party by myself.
It was a typical Friday night get together. Nothing as big as the one Todd hosted at the beginning of the semester, but things tended to die down when freshman realized they actually had to go to class and do homework to pass. It was nicer around this time, because there weren’t inexperienced idiots running around and shouting like they’d never tasted freedom before.
I stuck by the kitchen island with a group of girls I knew from a class we shared last semester. I couldn’t tell you any of their names, but I did know they were in a sorority, all wearing matching shirts with their letters printed on it. I remembered how hard they tried getting me to join, but I wasn’t about the moral code and good deeds they performed for the community. I just liked to party.
The red head made some weird mixed drink that smelled like a mysterious fruit and vodka mixture. One sip and I cringed at how sweet it was, but I smiled and pretended to drink it anyway.
After about twenty minutes of them discussing the latest TMZ news on Selena Gomez and some new rumored guy she was dating, I opted to go to the living room where a match of beer pong was set up.
I instantly recognized the blond-haired boy on the far side as the one who asked me to go to the party before I’d gotten hurt. And based on the way his eyes grazed over my body and lips tipped up, I’d say he recognized me too.
“Hey,” he said as I approached the table. “You never made it to my party.”
I gestured toward my brace. “Kinda got hurt.”
He winked. “Well you’re here now.”
That I was…
I shifted the red solo cup of my fruit concoction into my other hand and watched as him and his buddy played their round.
When he won, he looked at me with bright eyes. “I hear you’re pretty good at this game. Want to try beating me.”
His buddy said, “I think you’d rather her be beating something else.”
They both laughed and I rolled my eyes.
“I’m not really in the mood for beer pong,” I told him, shrugging.
His eyes went to my chest, which wasn’t really showing much in the purple sweater I was wearing. Even though it was a v-neck, it wasn’t deep like most of mine were. My outfit was actually pretty casual and closed up unlike other times.
That didn’t stop him from staring though. He didn’t even bother trying to hide that he was eyeballing my boobs. He just studied them like they’d be on tomorrow’s exam.
I crossed my arms on my chest. Usually I didn’t care. Guys stared all the time, and I welcomed it. I liked the attention more than I probably should, but their eyes scanning my body didn’t feel right.
Not anymore.
He moved in closer with a slick grin on his face.
“You know my place isn’t far from here.”
His hand went to my hip, cupping the material of my leggings that clung to my curves. I think I even saw him lick his bottom lip.
I squirmed under his touch. “I don’t know…”
His brow went up. “Really?”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t sound so surprised.”
He snorted. “I’ve heard about you around campus. You don’t usually say no.”
So I’ve been told.
I move his hand from my hip. “You shouldn’t believe everything you hear.”
He studies me. “I guess not. Too bad, because some of those things were very intriguing to me.”
He stepped closer.
“Are you sure you don’t want to have a little fun?” he asked, his breath hitting my ear. I was used to this kind of thing, but the way his hand went back to my hip and his lips brushed against my ear felt too invading.
I pushed him back but he didn’t budge.
“Come on,” he pressed, his lips trailing closer to mine. “You know you want this. Don’t pretend like you don’t.”
My body stiffened when I realized he wasn’t going to stop. My hands tightened into fists as I raised up and punched them against his chest.
He stumbled back with narrowed eyes.
His buddy stepped forward. “What the fuck is your problem? He’s just trying to have some fun.”
“You’re kidding right?” I doubted, looking between them. “I’m all about having ‘fun’ but when somebody tells you that they’re not feeling it, you back off.”
Blondie looked at me. “You act like I tried raping you. If you’re not into doing shit, why did you come?”
I lost it then.
“You know what? I don’t know. I can tell you right now that I didn’t realize you’d be here, so you should stop acting like you’re God’s gift to the world. You’re just his afterthought; like he forgot someone’s birthday and re-gifted trash he didn’t want.”
His jaw ticked. “Don’t act like you’re any different. There’s nothing but talk about you being the campus’s biggest dumping ground for a quick lay. You think you have any ro
om to talk? Look in the mirror, sweetheart.”
I set my cup down on the table.
“I don’t think anything about me,” I informed him.
He laughed bitterly. “You’re a damn liar. But by all means act like you’re better than half the people here. Be my guest.”
Somebody new laughed from the corner, and somehow I knew exactly who it was. The hair on the back of my neck stood up just by the sound of him, and I instantly wanted to leave.
Jayce was holding a bottle of beer in his hand with some red head plastered to his side.
He took a swig of his beer. “She’s always been that way, Mikey. I wouldn’t even waste your time on her.”
I glared. “You’re seriously drinking?”
He eyed me. “Nobody here to stop me.”
I was so not dealing with this. “I’d better leave now before you decide to get behind the wheel again. I wouldn’t want to be your next victim.”
He stepped forward. “Watch it.”
I looked at the red head. “You should probably be careful with this one. Did you know he was in jail for murder? Probably not the best company to keep.”
Her eyes widened as she looked at Jayce, who was seething at me.
Blondie—Mikey—and his friend both stared between Jayce and me. Neither of them said a thing.
“I have nothing else to say to you,” I told Jayce, turning around and walking to the door.
“You have plenty to say,” he called after me. “But you’re going to pretend like you’re the bigger person just like always.”
I raised my middle finger up above my head so he could see it as I left the building.
Leaving parties with people being pissed at me was starting to become a habit. Considering the last two I attended ended because I wouldn’t let a guy get in my pants, I decided it was probably time for me to just stop going. It wasn’t like I drank or had any fun lately anyway.
Not since Ezra.
It was annoying how he invaded me. How he made me feel like I had other options. This was all I knew before he came into my life. It worked. And now it was like my mind was telling me that I didn’t have to be that girl anymore. That somebody was finally here to help me in the best way possible. By caring.
A Hard Place to Breathe Page 10