The Girl I Was Before_'A Fun Feel Good Read'

by Izzy Bayliss

  I followed Sam around to the back of the house, because nobody used the front door, he told me. We came in through the kitchen, and as soon as I had taken a few steps across the tiles, it was like stepping into a circus - the house was teaming with people. I had brought a box of cake-pops I had fashioned into the shape of reindeers.

  “Who are all of these people?” I whispered to Sam.

  “These are all the relies.”

  “You said it was just your family?” I said panicked.

  “This is my family, Lily – here, meet Uncle Charlie.”

  He thrust me in front of a rosy cheeked man who was obviously well on, because he gave me a big bear hug and told me, how happy, how really happy he was to finally meet me.

  “This is my Mam,” Sam said, introducing me to a rotund lady in her sixties. She looked quite like him – they both had the same dark, kindly eyes.

  “It's so nice to meet you,” I said shaking her hand. I handed her the box of cake-pops, and felt like I was giving her a peace offering.

  Before I knew what was happening she had thrown both arms around me and was wrapping me into a bear of a hug, “It's so nice to finally meet you, Lily.”

  She let me go and linked my arm, “Come in and meet everyone else, they're all dying to meet you.”

  Marita came over then and squeezed my hand. “I'm so glad you and Sam sorted things out,” she whispered kindly in my ear before linking my arm and introducing me to relative after relative, until my head was a jumble of names and faces. Everyone was warm and welcoming, and it made me think about Marc’s parents. His family had been the same – it was just a pity he wasn’t like them. I still missed his mother. She rang me the odd time, but it was strained now. There was an unmistakable awkwardness because neither of us wanted to speak about the elephant in the room. I knew she would never forgive Marc for what he had done.

  We had a great evening, and when it was time to go home Sam drove back to the city centre.

  I woke the next morning wrapped in Sam's arms with my head resting against the firmness of his broad chest.

  “Good morning, beautiful,” he whispered softly as I opened my eyes.

  “Well I survived!”

  “Were you that nervous?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Well you shouldn't have been.”

  “Do you think I passed the test?”

  “They all loved you. The cake-pops helped.”

  I laughed. “Bribery always works.”

  We lay there cuddling in the morning light, laughing and chatting and so at ease. I remembered on this very day the year before I had collected my wedding dress from the bridal shop, and now here I was in the arms of another man. I knew now would be a good time to tell Sam about Marc.

  “Sam, there is something that I need to tell you –”

  “Sounds ominous.”

  “Well there is something about me that you need to know.”

  “What? That you're gorgeous, talented not to mention a supremely talented baker – I know all that already.”

  “There's something else –” My heart was racing and I thought I might get sick with the nerves.

  “What is it?” His face grew concerned. Frown lines converged in the centre of his forehead.

  The doorbell rang then. “Back in a sec, Lily,” Sam said hopping out of bed.

  Sam came back a moment later with an apologetic smile on his face. “It's Derek, he wants to practice his speech for the wedding tomorrow - I'm sorry, Lily.”

  “Don't worry about it,” I said climbing out of bed. "I probably should head on anyway, I've a couple coming to collect a cake later on."

  “Take your time in the shower, and I'll have a nice breakfast waiting for you, okay?”

  “Sure,” I said. I felt deflated. It seemed that every time I plucked up the courage to tell him about Marc, we would get interrupted. The timing just never seemed to be right.

  Chapter 34

  Slowly the world began adjusting back to normal after another Christmas. The days seemed to be sneaking past me, and I still hadn’t worked up the courage to tell Sam. We had a great day at the wedding. Although Sam was a groomsman, he was attentive to me throughout the day, and made sure that the wives of his friends looked after me. I will admit to feeling emotional as the church organ played. It was so close to my own anniversary and it brought all the memories back to the surface.

  Sam and I were both so hungover the morning after the wedding that I just couldn't face telling him. I knew I needed to be in the right frame of mind before embarking on something like that.

  I was really looking forward to escaping with him on our mini-break in County Clare. On the day before New Year’s Eve, I decided to run into Brown Thomas to get some nice new underwear. I wanted everything about this weekend to be just perfect. There would be none of my M&S sets this time.

  As I stepped outside, I discovered it was bitterly cold out. I had put on my red woollen coat as well as my hat, scarf and gloves, but the icy wind still cut through me. I caught the bus into town and as I strolled down Grafton Street I couldn't resist stopping to look at the beautiful displays in the shop windows. There were winter scenes of Victorian families ice-skating together; another window had carol singers gathered in a snowy churchyard and in another, children tossed snowballs at each other. They were all beautiful.

  When I reached Brown Thomas the doorman held the door open and the warm air welcomed me inside. I took off my hat and gloves and breathed in the heady scent of the perfume hall. The shop was still extravagantly decorated with lots of fir garlands tied with elegant gold and silver bows. As I coasted up the escalator, I could hear the orchestral version of Oh Come All Ye Faithful playing in the background. Even though I loved Christmas music, there was something about it being played in the days just after Christmas that made me feel a teensy bit icky.

  I could never come into Brown Thomas without paying the shoe department a little visit, so that was my first port of call and even though I couldn't actually afford to buy shoes there, I still could admire those little beauties. As I walked around the displays I picked up a few, but the price made me put them down just as quickly again – to think that Rosie and Clara wore shoes like that on a daily basis! Even if I did own a pair I would be too afraid to wear them.

  I took the escalator up to the second floor, and walked through the archway leading to the lingerie section. Pretty bras hung along the walls and the matching knickers were displayed in open drawers underneath. There were basques with ribbons tying up the back and matching suspenders and stockings. There were satin baby dolls and little balconette bras that would look ridiculous on my large bust, but always looked so pretty on models. Even the racy thongs and lacy French knickers were all made with beautiful silks and delicate laces, with not a hint of polyester to be seen.

  “Can I help you there?” The sales assistant came up beside me. Her dark hair was severely pulled up into a high ponytail on the crown of her head.

  “Yes, I’m looking for some underwear.”

  “Yes, that tends to be why people come in here,” she said. “What type are you looking for? Is it for a special occasion?”

  “Well, I’m going on a mini-break with my new boyfriend, so I wanted something special, you know?” I could feel myself reddening. I was in my thirties for God's sake. Why did I feel embarrassed admitting I was going to be having sex with my boyfriend?

  As I followed her over to a display, her ponytail swung behind her head steadily like a metronome.

  “How about a ‘demi bra’?” she said taking one down from the rail and handing it to me.

  “But where is the rest of it?” I asked bewildered. It looked like the machinist had forgotten to finish off the cups properly.

  “That’s the point of them – hence the name, demi meaning half.”

  “Yeah I know what demi means – I know Italian.”

  “It’s French actually. Now these are really popular for people looking to m
ove away from traditional lingerie sets without going down the whole kinky route.”

  “But where do your . . . y’know go?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Y’now – nipples,” I whispered. I could feel myself blushing. God I hated saying that word out loud.

  “Your breast is meant to sit over the top of the trimming here so your nipple - she practically shouted the word - is partly on display.”

  “I see. Well are they half the price?” I laughed nervously.

  She shot me a look to say she didn’t appreciate my joke.

  I walked over to the flesh coloured sucky in knickers – now I was more at home.

  “Are you trying to impress this new man or not?” she said dragging me away from them.

  Okay, relax there, Gok Wan, I thought to myself.

  “Over this way please,” she said as she led me over to the “real” bras. I picked out a few that I liked. Then she showed me into a fitting room, and after she had measured me she brought in armfuls of them for me to try on. I winced when I looked at the price tags – the bras were over a hundred euro each and the knickers were half that again, but as soon as I tried them on, I knew why. They did amazing things for me. My breasts were held firm where they belonged, and the knickers were so flattering on my curves. In this underwear I felt confident about my shape. I decided to go with a midnight blue, satin plunge bra and matching knickers. It had a delicate black lace trim and I thought it looked sexy without being overtly so. I also picked a nude-coloured sheer mesh bra, which seemed a bit racy to me but the assistant told me to trust her and that I was being a prude. She tried to convince me to take a see-through baby doll too, but at €250 it would be staying where it was. She spent ages wrapping up my purchases in layers of tissue paper, fitting the packages neatly into a box and then tying it with ribbons before handing it over to me. I wanted to squeal with excitement. I had never spent so much on underwear in my life, and I knew I would have to bake a lot of cakes to pay for it, but I felt very proud of my purchases. I couldn't wait to show Sam. To celebrate, I decided to treat myself to a hot chocolate. As I made my way to the café I passed by rails of gorgeous clothing. I saw the kids' designer clothes and I couldn’t resist having a look – even though I obviously didn’t have children, I loved the cuteness of all the little miniature outfits.

  I was just picking up a white, broderie anglaise Chloe baby girl dress when another girl snatched it straight out of my hands. I turned around and saw she was pregnant so I let her have it. I supposed she had more of a right to admire it than I did.

  “Lily? Is that you?”

  My eyes moved from her bump up towards her face and I saw that it was Nadia.

  “How are you, Lily?” She held out her hand to shake mine but I left it hanging there in the space between us. I was frozen to the spot, I knew my mouth was hanging open, but I couldn’t close it. Her bump was so neat on her tall, slender figure. It just looked like she had eaten a big dinner. I did a mental calculation and she must have been seven months pregnant at that stage. She hadn’t a pick of weight on her anywhere else. She was wearing a casual jersey dress layered with leggings and a jersey cardigan. Her dark hair was styled in waves around her face. Her skin was glowing. I hated to admit it but pregnancy suited the bitch.

  "It’s a lovely dress isn’t it?” She admired the white dress in her hand. Suddenly the white dress signified everything – she had taken away my husband and now she had grabbed the white dress from under my eyes too. I reached across and tugged it back out of her hands.

  “Oh here, sorry did you want it?” She released the dress and then I was left holding it, feeling silly because I didn’t really want it at all.

  “Lily, look I’m so, so, sorry about everything. I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now but if you have a few minutes, I would really appreciate it if you could grab a coffee with me?”

  I looked at her like she was daft.

  She reached across and put her hand over mine. “Please, Lily, I’d really like to talk to you.” Her almond shaped brown eyes were begging me.

  Reluctantly I agreed.

  Wordlessly we took the escalator to the third floor café together. We were just walking over when an older lady stopped us.

  “Nadia – Nadia Williams? Is that you? I absolutely loved you in Our Endless Days, I can’t believe it’s you – I know you’re out and about and I hate to ask you but can I have your autograph please?”

  “Sure!” Nadia smiled easily at the lady. Her teeth were perfectly even and white.

  “There you go -” she said breezily as she handed back the notebook where she had scrawled her signature across the page that the woman had folded back.

  “Thanks, Nadia!” she beamed. “And can I just say you look fantastic!” She pointed to Nadia’s bump. “It suits you – I saw you and your partner in Social Importance magazine, you’re a very glamorous couple.”

  “Oh you’re very kind.” I watched as Nadia smiled good-naturedly at the woman and flicked her hair with her slender wrist. I wondered would the woman still think that the sun shone out of her arse if she knew what a home wrecker Nadia really was?

  There was queue outside the café but when the hostess recognized Nadia, she quickly made space for us and showed us over to a table in the corner. Nadia immediately took the bench seat running along the wall, so she had a view of the restaurant, and I took the seat opposite her. Marc used to do this too – he would always grab the inside seat first so he would have the view, it didn’t really bother me but it was a big deal for him and he would sprint across the restaurant floor just so he would get to it first. The waiter handed us both menus and told us what the specials were.

  We both read our menus silently - I still couldn’t speak. My heart was thumping wildly. Why did she want to talk to me? She had practically begged me to go for a coffee with her.

  “Ladies, what can I get you?”

  Nadia pointed to me, “You go first, Lily.”

  “Okay, well I’ll have a cappuccino and a slice of the lemon meringue pie.”

  “And I’ll have the fruit cup and a bottle of San Pellegrino please,” she said before closing the menu and handing it back to the waiter, giving him a wide smile.

  The fruit cup and fizzy water? What the fuck? She was pregnant – she was supposed to be eating for two! I knew if I were pregnant it would be a calorie-free-for-all. No wonder she looked so great. I instantly regretted ordering something so piggish – now I would be totally self-conscious eating it in front of her.

  We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes while we waited for the waiter to bring our food. I kept thinking about her inverted nipple.

  “So when are you due?” I finally said after I couldn’t take any more awkwardness.

  “February.”

  “Wow, you’ve only a few weeks to go so.”

  “I know.” She rubbed her bump absently.

  I couldn’t believe that that was Marc’s baby in there. My Marc’s baby.

  “Look the reason that I wanted to talk to you, Lily –” She leaned across the table to me but we were interrupted by the waiter bringing our food.

  “The pie?”

  “Me thanks,” I mumbled. I was sure that he thought I was a pig as well.

  “And the fruit cup for you, madam.” He placed the silver dish on the table in front of Nadia. He was just walking away when he stopped and turned back around.

  “Sorry, it is you, isn’t it? You’re Nadia Williams?” he reddened.

  “Yes it’s me.”

  “I loved Our Endless Days!”

  “Why thank you.” She smiled that same smile again. It was obviously her “I’m all sweetness and light” smile reserved for annoying autograph hunters.

  “Well, I don’t want to interrupt you so I’ll let you and your friend get back to your food – it was great to meet you, Nadia.” He walked backwards still smiling away at her until he bumped into the table behind him. Even preg
nant, Nadia had an amazing effect on men.

  “Sorry, Lily – where were we? Oh yes, sorry, baby brain! It’s Marc, I’m worried sick. Ever since he found out that I was pregnant, he’s been . . . well, really distant. We’ve been arguing a lot, and then a couple of weeks ago he said we needed time apart, so he stayed with his parents for Christmas. I just don’t know what to do any more . . . I'm at my wits' end. It was all going great – we were having so much fun. Marc loved the invitations to launches and premieres every night of the week. He loved being invited to the best restaurants in town or getting into the VIP area in nightclubs. Then, when I found out that I was pregnant, he went ballistic. Honestly, Lily, I was devastated by the way he reacted. Although we didn’t plan to have a baby, I was secretly thrilled when the test was positive and because things were going so well between us, I had thought he would have felt the same. But instead he started roaring and shouting at me and asking how I could have let it happen – like I did it all by myself!” She stopped to take a mouthful of her water before continuing. “He wanted me to have an abortion y’know – he kept on telling me that my career would be over as soon as the production companies knew I was pregnant. He said that no one would cast me, but I still couldn’t do it, Lily, I couldn’t go through with it and do that to our baby.”

  I was stunned. She kept tossing chunks of pineapple and strawberries around with her fork. I didn’t know what to say to her. I knew that I was probably doing a good impression of a goldfish right then, but I was just so shocked by how open she was being.

  “Eventually he came round, but things were still strained between us. For the sake of our relationship, I tried to be ‘fun’ Nadia again – we kept on going to parties, but I was so exhausted after a full day of filming and then being the only sober person in the nightclub while everyone else around me was getting pissed. So eventually I stopped going out, which made Marc really angry again. He kept on calling me boring and telling me that I had changed. He said that I was letting the baby take over my life!”

  She speared a chunk of melon with her fork and brought it towards her mouth, but she didn’t eat it. My pie was calling me, but she still hadn’t eaten any of her fruit and I didn’t want to look like a complete pig by diving in first.