Buried Passions

by Andrew Grey

  “I sorry for being….”

  “No. You have nothing to be sorry for.” I leaned close. “There is no weakness in showing how you feel. Not to me.” I kissed him and climbed on top, straddling his hips. “You are stunning.” I placed my hand on his heart. “On the inside as well as the outside.”

  “What you want?” Luka asked.

  “You. I want to feel you.” I rolled my hips, and Luka arched his back, groaning softly. “Exactly.” Smoothing my hands over Luka’s chest, I tweaked his copper nipples, reveling in his darkening eyes. Passion looked incredible on him. “Make love to me, Luka.”

  I was encircled by strong arms and rolled, pressed into the mattress. Heat surrounded me, lighting a fire I hope would never be quenched. I wanted this forever, but knew that just wasn’t likely, so I’d have to take what I could get now. It didn’t matter that Luka touched my heart, filling it as much as he filled my body. No matter how much I wanted it to continue, our relationship had a time limit, and I intended to soak up as much summer pleasure and warmth as I could while I was able.

  “You are my heart,” Luka said.

  My spirit sang at the words. I held them, stored them along with the elation they engendered. I wrapped my arms around Luka tightly, wishing for forever but hoping for as long as possible before reality called me back. I shook with ecstasy and forgot all about anything outside of this room and the bed as Luka made me believe that love could be mine… at least for a while.

  LUKA WORE me out, and after our very athletic maneuvers, I slept soundly enough that I didn’t feel Luka get out of bed. I awakened when he kissed me goodbye. “No get up,” he whispered, kissing me again.

  I wound my arms around his neck, still half asleep, pulling him down. “Stay here with me.”

  “I go work at cemetery. Boss might be mad if don’t.”

  I cracked my eyes open in time to see his smile.

  “Billy say I start tomorrow.”

  “Then come here when you’re done at the restaurant.” I captured his lips, not able to get enough of him, urgency driving me forward. “I’ll cook dinner.”

  “What about Chet?” Luka asked, pulling away. “You need spend time with him.”

  “I will. Come to dinner,” I said again, and Luka nodded. He kissed me hard enough that sleep was no longer an option and I was raring to go, body aching for him. Hell, it wasn’t just my body. Luka fascinated me and I wanted to know more… everything about him. “I’ll see you after work, then.” A final kiss, and he turned and left the room.

  I laid my head back on the pillow, smiling.

  “You wish every morning could be like that, don’t you?” Chet asked.

  I snapped my eyes open to see him standing in the doorway, leaning on the frame.

  “Good God. Don’t you two ever stop? I was sound asleep, and then I could have sworn I heard screaming. I wondered if you were in pain, and then you did it again and I had to put the damn pillow over my head and hum the theme from Phantom in order to drown you two out.” He huffed and came into the room.

  “You hate Phantom.” It was one show he and I agreed on. Maybe it was jealousy and the fact that neither of us had been cast in the longest-running show on Broadway. We’d both tried out twice…. Bastards.

  “Yes, I do. But it was the only thing that could drown out you two going at it. My God. Didn’t either of you remember that I’m in the other room? And it’s been months—months!—since anyone remotely meaningful graced my bed… and I can’t remember anyone ever making me sing the way Luka made you.” Chet sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m jealous as shit.” He wiped his face with his hand. “I heard you talking before you went to bed. I didn’t hear what was said, but I heard you. Lovers sharing and talking, whispers and confidences, getting to know something about each other that no one else knows.” He flopped back on the bed, his weight over my legs.

  “Yeah….” I sighed in confusion, unable to help it.

  “What’s that for? You have a real chance.”

  “Yeah, and the timing and location sucks.” I pulled my legs out from under him, brought my knees to my chest, and hugged them through the blankets for comfort. “He’s here, which is where he needs to be. You know I’m going to get a call—we both are. Sooner or later, Payton is going to call to say that he has auditions lined up for us and we’re going to be on the next train to New York. We have to go back to work, and that’s all there is to it. Broadway, the street of dreams.” But for the first time, I wondered if that was really true. I’d always thought my dreams would come true in a theater there, on a stage, with the part of a lifetime. It’s what I’d worked for, sacrificed for… put my life on hold for.

  “So, what are you going to do?” Chet asked, all signs of teasing gone.

  I humphed and smacked him on the shoulder. “What do you think? We chase the elusive next part like it’s a drug. Part of us craves it—the pull is just too strong. I can say, right now, that I want to walk away from it, but as soon as the chance presents itself, the lure of the part will be too overwhelming and we’d trample loved ones to get it.” I was self-aware enough to know how I’d react.

  Chet nodded. “We fell in love with the theater as kids, and now it’s who we are. Our first love. And sometimes she’s a real fickle pain in the ass.” He stilled, thoughtful. “Do you ever think of walking away? I mean, really walking away?”

  I sat just as still. Lately I had, but making that kind of life change was as frightening as the thought of never getting another part and being one of those guys going to auditions when I was damn near forty, desperate to remain young-looking and to seem limber and vibrant in the hopes of that one last break.

  “I guess it comes down to what we really want,” Chet murmured softly.

  I scoffed under my breath. “If it were that easy, we’d all make the right decisions and everyone would be happy. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do. I made choices some time ago about the kind of life I wanted. I’m a Broadway actor and I’m very good at it. I can act, dance, and sing, all at the same time. But that doesn’t mean I stopped wishing to be loved and cared for… to have someone who wants me and cares for me.”

  “You can have both. You know you can. People do.” He turned to meet my gaze.

  “Yeah, I guess. But the thing is that right at this moment, I don’t, and I haven’t found someone who makes me feel the way Luka does.” At least Luka had told me he understood that I couldn’t stay. He was giving me the out, a way to go back to my life. “So here I am.” I’d had enough of this depressing line of thought. “Go on back to your room and get dressed. I’m going to go clean up and then make us some breakfast. After that, we’ll find something fun to do. It’s going to be really hot today. There are state parks with lakes for swimming. I saw it on the internet. I haven’t been out there, but when it hits ninety this afternoon, the water will feel great.”

  “That sounds good.” Chet jumped off the bed and hurried out of the room.

  I got ready for the day, then headed downstairs to make breakfast.

  Chet suggested we eat on the porch. Between us we finished a slice of ham each and a fresh tomato a neighbor had left.

  As we sat out there, the heat was already building.

  “God.” Chet fanned himself, sitting on the wicker love seat. “It’s like breathing soup.”

  “Yeah. I need to go to the grocery store. The refrigerator is nearly empty. Do you want to go along?”

  Chet shook his head. “Is it okay if I go upstairs to get out of this heat?”

  “Of course. Relax. I won’t be gone long. The remote is on the coffee table, and the sofa in there is comfortable if you want to take a nap.” I smiled and went back inside to grab my keys and wallet off the counter. Then I hurried out to the car, waving to Chet as I passed.

  I did intend to go to the store, but the car practically drove itself to the cemetery. Sure enough, Luka was there, just as I suspected, up to his elbows in dirt, digging out a stump from one
of the smaller trees we’d cut down. From the looks of it, this wasn’t the first one he’d dug today. Two others sat near the shed.

  I crossed the cemetery, dodging the various stones and monuments. Luka was covered in sweat and wielded the shovel like a weapon. “Luka, it’s too hot to do this.”

  He grabbed the stump, rocking it back and forth, wrestling it out of the ground. “It needs done and I need to work.” The determination in his eyes was for much more than just getting the stump out of the ground.

  “But it’s going to get very hot, and I don’t want you out here in that heat.” I put my hand on his shoulder when he turned away. His shirt was already soaked through and the pressure and heat from inside continued to build. I was already sweating up a storm just watching him.

  “I need to work,” Luka said sharply. “You no understand!” He turned to me, his face a mask of hurt. “You no understand.” He turned away once again, lifted the stump, and heaved it toward the shed. It flew through the air, then tumbled over the ground until it came to a stop near the others.

  “Feel better?”

  He whirled around, staring daggers at me. I didn’t fully understand what all this was about, but Luka had some aggression to work out, and who was I to tell him not to take it out on the stumps I was going to have to remove anyway? And to top it off, the fire in Luka’s eyes was breathtaking. Even hurt or pissed off—I wasn’t sure which—he was stunning.

  “No.”

  “Why not?” I knew I was pressing, but no one had ever accused me of having the good sense to know when to stop.

  “I’m just not.” He jabbed his hands onto his hips, standing with his feet apart, as planted as one of the huge trees shooting up behind him.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I figured I could offer. There was no harm in that.

  He humphed and thrust his chest out. I mimicked his stance, mocking him a little, but hell, if he could metaphorically pound his chest, so could I. After all, I did a great Tarzan impersonation. Thank you, Carol Burnett reruns.

  “No.” His eyes turned hard as flint.

  “I don’t want you working too hard in this heat. Chet and I are going to go swimming in a lake this afternoon, and I want you to come with us.” I hated the thought of him out here working in air that was going to suck the moisture out of him.

  “Why? Because you the boss? Because you now tell me what to do? You like me so you get say what I do and when? I man, not a… dog.”

  “Of course not. I want you to come because it will be fun and you deserve some of that. It’s too hot to work out here for much longer.” I stepped closer, relaxing my stance. “I’d like you to come because I want to spend time with you.” I didn’t reach out to touch him, even though my fingers itched to. Every part of me wished to touch him even now.

  “I cannot. Spending time with you only make harder when you leave. I have get used to you not be here. I rip out stumps and throw them.” He turned away and bent over to snatch up the shovel.

  There was nothing I could do. He had promised to see me after work and now I didn’t know if he was going to do that either. “Chet and I are leaving for the lake in a couple hours. I’d like it if you could come,” I said as evenly as I could, trying like hell not to let the hurt that welled up inside me show.

  He nodded and went back to work, so I returned to the car and headed to the grocery store.

  I ended up wandering aisles aimlessly, tossing things that caught my attention into the cart. My dad always told me to go with a list, and I should have listened to him. I’m lucky I didn’t walk out with chocolate-covered crab legs or something equally disgusting. Not that I wanted to eat anything; nothing at all looked good. I had managed to mess things up with Luka, and it pissed me off. Not that I could blame him. He knew I was going to leave eventually, and just because I was willing to risk a broken heart when I left, because I wanted to be with him as much as I could while I was here, didn’t mean he was able or would want to do the same.

  I packed the groceries at the checkout, hoping I’d remembered what I needed most, and left the store, drove to the house, and carried the food inside.

  Chet bundled down the stairs like a herd of elephants.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “Nothing. This house, it’s too quiet. I keep expecting something to happen.” He followed me into the kitchen, and we put away the food. “What the hell is this?” He held up a bottle of volcano hot sauce. “You eat this?”

  “No. I thought it was ketchup.” I snatched the bottle out of his hand and put it on the counter. I could take it back the next time I went in.

  Chet went through the bags, clearly suspicious about my state of mind, but thankfully there didn’t seem to be anything else quite that stupid.

  “Are we having lunch before we leave, or do you want me to try to pack something?”

  “Let’s have a picnic,” Chet suggested.

  “I got some fruit waters that are cold. Can you check the basement? I think I saw a small cooler or something on the shelves down there. Maybe there’s a basket.” I made some sandwiches and then put some fruit in containers. Chet returned with both a cooler and an old basket that had everything we needed inside. “Go ahead and prepare the basket. I’ll finish with lunch, and then we can go.”

  “Is Luka coming?” Chet asked.

  “I don’t think so.”

  Chet smacked his hand on the granite counter. “I knew it. You stopped to make sure he was okay.”

  “Yeah.” I wrapped the turkey sandwiches in plastic bags and placed them in the cooler on top of the drinks, fruit, and ice. “He was working…. Actually, I think he was pulling tree roots out of the ground with his bare hands.”

  “One of those manly things?” Chet closed the basket and leaned his arm on top. “Working out frustration?”

  “I think so. I asked him to come, but he said no. He said that it would be hard when I left and….” I sighed. I had to agree with him.

  “He’s backing away?” Chet nodded slowly. “That was always a possibility, and you should have known it.” He came around the island. “Though it hurts, maybe it’s for the best for both of you.”

  “Have you heard something from Payton?” I wondered if he knew something I didn’t.

  “No. But it’s a matter of time.” Chet lifted the basket and left the room, presumably to set it by the front door.

  This was really starting to suck. Maybe it would be best if I went back to New York at the end of the week. Get on with things and stop wishing for something I couldn’t have. I should be happy to get back to my life….

  “We need to get something to swim in and towels, and we can go.” I didn’t have a suit, and I doubted Chet did, but I had shorts I could use. We went upstairs, and I found my shorts and then went through the linen cupboard for towels that would work. There was also a heavy blanket, so I grabbed that as well in case we needed it for the picnic.

  After loading everything in the car, I programmed the GPS for the state park and pulled away from the house and down the street to the corner.

  “Jonah, isn’t that Luka?” Chet said as we stopped.

  Luka hurried toward the car, and I watched, unable to stop smiling. I pulled over, and he climbed in the back seat with his small duffel. “Am I late?” he asked, closing the door. “I finish my work fast and go home to shower.”

  “Your timing is perfect. I didn’t think you were going to come.” Luka patted me gently on the shoulder. I wasn’t sure what it meant exactly, but I was happy he was here.

  The drive took us down mostly rural roads and out to the country. I kept checking the rearview mirror, mostly to see if Luka was okay. He sat back, watching out the window much of the time as far as I could see. As far as conversation went, there was very little. Trees towered over both sides of the road as we made our final turn into the park.

  As soon as I opened the door, the heat raced inside, filling the car with humidity even though the car was in
the shade. “We should find a place.” I grabbed the cooler, Chet got the basket and blanket, and we headed out across the open lawn area toward the screams, laughter, and splashing that had to indicate the lake.

  “I no bring any food,” Luka said. “I buy some. You eat.”

  “I made plenty.” Okay, I had been hopeful that Luka might show up. Maybe it was just stupidity, but I had made extra sandwiches and packed more drinks than Chet and I needed. I smiled and patted his firm shoulder. “I was hoping you would come. I’m glad you’re here.” I spread out the blanket in the shade twenty feet or so from the sand at the edge of the beach and sat down.

  “I’m going to change and swim first,” Chet said, grabbing his bag of clothes. “Talk about whatever is going on and have this silent treatment resolved before I get back.” He hurried toward the bathrooms, and I turned to Luka.

  “Why did you come?” I opened the cooler and handed him a bottle of water. “I thought you said you were going to stay away.”

  “I was… I should.” He sat down across from me. “You leave and then I be alone.”

  “I know and I’m sorry. My work is in New York.” I studied the red plaid pattern in the blanket, picking at grains of sand that had made their way onto it. “I should never have come here. You would be happier, and well, I….” I lifted my gaze. “You could come to New York if you wanted. I have a tiny apartment, but you could stay with me.” I tossed the grains of sand away.

  “What I do there?” Luka asked, and I knew the answer and kept quiet. “Clean tables like here? Drive cab like on TV? I no good there. I do nothing. Here I have good job, because of Samuel. And you. Here I have… life.”

  “I know.” I scooted closer and placed my hand on top of his. “Maybe it would have been best if we had never met.” I shook my head. “No. That’s a lie. Meeting you brought me so much joy. I discovered a lot about myself and my family because of you. You showed me what I truly want.” I squeezed his fingers. “I thought about it, and I want whatever I can have with you. I know I have to go back and that I’m being selfish…. I don’t deserve anything like this, but as I said, I will take whatever time we have together, and when I have to go back, I will return to see you as often as I can. You stole my heart. I don’t know how you did it.”