“You don’t understand. I had to come here. I didn’t want to, but I had nowhere else to go.”
“What do you mean?”
She drew a deep breath. “After my father’s death, I couldn’t bear living alone in our house. An unmarried woman living alone bordered on impropriety, and in truth I was horribly lonely. Distant cousins on my father’s side, the Longrens, resided in the same town and they invited me to live with them. It seemed a perfect solution as I loved them dearly and their daughter Alberta was my closest friend, so I sold my house and moved in with them.”
He recognized the name Longren as the one that Miles had reported to him. “Go on.”
“I loved being part of their family, and the younger children, rascals all three of them, were delights. For almost two years everything was wonderful.” She twisted her fingers together and looked at the carpet. “Then Alberta met David.”
He watched her, forcing himself to remain silent, to allow her to tell him her tale.
“David moved to town from Boston where he’d worked at a livery. He was wonderful with horses and a talented farrier, and Mr. Longren immediately hired him on at his livery. David was a very attractive young man, and all the ladies were quite smitten with him.”
Austin’s hands clenched. “Including you?”
“I must admit, the first time I met him, I thought him handsome and charming.” She paused, then added in a quiet voice, “But then I touched him.”
“What did you see?”
“Lies. Deceit. Nothing specific, but I knew he was not as he seemed. I forced myself to shrug it off. After all, as long as he worked hard for Mr. Longren, it was not my business if he’d lied in the past. I convinced myself he was making a fresh start and deserved a second chance. But several weeks later, Alberta told me that she was in love. With David.”
She began pacing. “I was very concerned. I gently told her that she didn’t know him very well, but she wouldn’t listen to me. No one in the town, including Alberta, knew anything about my visions. I experienced them infrequently, and as you yourself know, they are not easy to believe in or accept. I therefore hesitated to tell her, especially when what I’d felt had been so vague. And I certainly did not want to destroy Alberta’s happiness if I was wrong.
“I needed to know more, to find out if he was indeed dishonorable. I needed to touch him again, or at least something that belonged to him.” She drew a shaky breath then continued in an agitated voice. “The next day I visited the livery and spoke to David. I touched his tools and even managed to hold his hand under the guise of examining a cut on his finger. And my suspicions were confirmed.”
“What had he done?”
“I didn’t know exactly, but I knew he’d left Boston in disgrace. I knew he was a liar and a cheat. I knew he needed money and the Longrens were financially well off. But worst of all, I knew he was going to break Alberta’s heart. I prayed her feelings toward him would change, but two weeks later she and David announced they planned to marry. In one month.”
Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I didn’t know what to do. She was so in love with him, but she was making a terrible mistake. Again I tried to warn her gently but to no avail. Finally, the day before the wedding, I told her… not that I’d had a vision… but that I had reason to believe David was dishonest and not the man for her. That he would bring her nothing but heartache.”
The anguish in her voice ripped at him. “What did she say?”
A humorless sound erupted from her throat. “She flatly refused to listen. She then accused me of being jealous, of wanting David for myself. He’d told her how I’d visited him at the livery and he’d apparently convinced her that I’d gone there in the hopes of winning him for myself. I could not believe that she would think that of me, but she did.”
“Did you tell her about your visions?”
“I tried, but she wouldn’t listen to another word. She was so angry with me for trying to ruin her happiness and wanting the man she loved. She told me she didn’t want me at her wedding. Didn’t want me in her life.” Stopping directly in front of him, she stared at him with tear-filled eyes that twisted his insides. “She told me to pack my things and leave her family’s house.”
“Elizabeth.” He reached for her, but she stepped farther away from him.
“Maybe if I’d told her about the vision from the start, she would have believed me. I don’t know. But I vowed right then and there that I would never remain silent about another one—not if it involved someone’s happiness.” She spread her arms in a defeated, helpless gesture. “I did not experience another vision until the night I met you. That is why I told you about seeing William.”
After squeezing her eyes shut for a brief moment, she continued, “Mr. and Mrs. Longren were surprised I was leaving, but their allegiance was to Alberta and she was adamant that I go. I knew deep down she was hurting, too. She loved me, but she loved David more. I packed my things and departed that same afternoon. I left Patch with them. He was too old to travel and the younger children loved him as much as I did.”
Her voice cracked, and he imagined her leaving, alone and filled with despair. Bloody hell, his chest ached and his heart simply broke for her. “What did you do?”
“I walked to town and withdrew my savings from the bank. I had nowhere to go, and I wanted to get away, as far away as possible. I arranged transportation to the coast. When I arrived, I booked passage on The Starseeker and hired a traveling companion. I sent a letter to Aunt Joanna advising her of my arrival. I am fortunate and forever grateful that she was willing to take me in.”
“Do you know what happened to Alberta and David?”
“No. I pray every day for their happiness, but I know it is only a matter of time before Alberta’s heart is broken.”
He had no idea what to say to her, how to comfort her, but he knew he had to try. The torment in her eyes was killing him. “I’m so sorry you were hurt like that, darling,” he said, “but as sad as leaving your home was, it did bring us together.” He held out his hand to her.
She stared at it blankly for a moment, then raised her gaze to his. Her expression actually frightened him. It looked as if all the life, all the energy and vitality, had been drained from her, leaving unspeakable anguish and guilt in its wake.
“There’s more, Austin. I had another vision. Last night.”
He slowly lowered his hand. “What did you see?”
“I saw someone dying.”
Her agony was so palpable, he could all but see it flowing off her in waves. “Who?”
“It was our child, Austin.”
He actually felt the blood drain from his head. “Our child? How do you know?”
“A little girl. She looked just like you, with ebony curls and beautiful gray eyes.” Walking forward with jerky steps, she grasped his arms, her fingers digging into his skin. “Do you understand what I’m saying? I saw the future. We had a child. She was about two years old. And she died.”
His mind reeled from the impact of her words. “Surely you’re mistaken.”
“No. I saw it. And I cannot allow it to happen. I cannot allow our child to die.”
Drawing a deep breath, he tried to think clearly, but it didn’t even occur to him to doubt her premonition. “All right. We won’t allow it to happen. You’ve forewarned us, so we’ll be prepared. She’ll be watched every moment of every day. Nothing will happen to her.”
“Don’t you see? I cannot take that risk. I’ve already lost my parents, the Longrens, and Alberta. I cannot bear to lose someone else I love—our child. Nor can I bear to watch you suffer her death.” She stared at him for several heartbeats. “There is only one way to ensure that our child does not die… and that is to not have a child.”
Not have a child? Of course they would have a child. Many children. Sons with her keen intelligence and beautiful daughters with their mother’s hair. “What are you saying?”
Letting go of his arms, she turned towa
rd the window. He stared at her profile and listened to her flat-voiced words. “I cannot have a child with you. I refuse to have a child with you. The only way to ensure that I don’t is to cease being a wife to you. Naturally, I do not expect you to live with such an untenable arrangement. I realize the importance of an heir to a man in your position.” She raised her chin a notch, but her voice fell to a shaky whisper. “I therefore wish to end our marriage.”
He froze, unable to comprehend her words for a full minute. Finally, he found his voice.
“Such drastic measures are not necessary, Elizabeth.”
“I’m afraid they are. I cannot ask you to accept a wife who will not share your bed.”
His hands fisted at his sides, but he managed to keep his voice calm. “There is no reason for me to accept a wife who will not share my bed. There are ways to prevent pregnancy—if that is ultimately what we decide to do.”
“You are not listening to me, Austin. I have already decided. I will not risk becoming pregnant.”
“I promise you we can find a way—”
“You cannot possibly hope to keep such a promise for a lifetime.” She turned to look at him and the cold determination in her eyes chilled him. “Why can you not simply accept my decision?”
A bark of disbelief erupted from him. “Simply accept that you want to end our marriage? I’m stunned that you would even consider such a thing… giving up like this. Surely our marriage means more to you than that.”
“We both know you married me only because you believed you had to.”
“And we both know that nothing could have forced me to marry you had I not wanted to.” Closing the distance between them, he gently took her by the shoulders. “Elizabeth. It doesn’t matter why we married. What matters is how we feel about each other and what we make of our life together. We can make this marriage strong enough to survive anything.”
“But surely you want to have children.”
“Yes. I do. Very much.” He gazed at her steadily. “With you.”
She inhaled sharply. “I’m sorry. I cannot. I will not.”
Silence stretched between them. He tried to reconcile this coldly resolute, distant woman with his warm, loving Elizabeth, and could not. Forcing words through his tight throat, he said, “I understand you’re upset about this vision, but you can’t let it destroy what we have together. I won’t allow it.” He cupped her face between his palms. “I love you, Elizabeth. I love you. And I won’t let you go.”
Every drop of color seeped from her face. He searched her eyes, and for an instant stark, raw pain emanated from their depths. She turned away from him, and it appeared as if she were choking back tears. But when she faced him again, her expression had hardened. Grim determination replaced the pain and she pulled away from him.
“I’m sorry, Austin. Your love isn’t enough.”
Those words slapped him right in the heart. Left him bleeding. God Almighty, if he’d been able to draw a deep enough breath, he would have laughed at the irony of this. After waiting a lifetime to give a woman his love, she’d tossed it aside like an unwanted trinket. Your love isn’t enough.
“Even if you are willing to live with such an arrangement,” she continued in that same flat voice, “ I am not. I want children in my life.”
He somehow found his voice. “You just said you didn’t.”
“No. I said I cannot have children with you… but I could with someone else. It was my child with you who died.”
Everything inside him went rigid. Surely he’d heard her incorrectly. “Elizabeth, you don’t know what you’re saying. You cannot possibly mean—”
“I know exactly what I’m saying.” Lifting her chin a notch, she regarded him with uncharacteristic coolness. “While I fancied being a duchess, I never dreamed that the title would cost me having children. It’s not a price I’m willing to pay.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” he bit out. “You had no wish to become a duchess.”
She raised her brows. “I’m not a fool, Austin. What woman wouldn’t want to be a duchess?”
Her words settled on him like a blanket of ice, freezing him to the bone. He didn’t want to believe what she was saying, but she was clearly serious.
He was stunned. Numb. Bringing his hand to his chest, he rubbed where his heart should be. And felt nothing. All his newfound hopes and dreams slipped away, blowing like ashes in the wind. She didn’t love him. Didn’t want him. Didn’t want his children. Or their marriage. She wanted to share her life with someone else… anyone else. Just not him.
The numbness suddenly fled and warring emotions pummeled him. Disillusionment. Anger. And a hurt that cut so deep he felt sliced in two. Jesus. What a fool I’ve been.
He forced himself to push the hurt aside, to concentrate on the anger, letting it pump through him, heating his frozen veins.
“I believe I’m beginning to understand,” he said in a voice so raw he barely recognized it. “In spite of your protestations to the contrary, you actually had designs on gaining a title. Now you wish to end our marriage, seemingly out of concern for me, but in truth you want to be free to marry someone else so you can bear children. His children.”
Her face paled at his tone, but her gaze remained steady on his. “Yes. I want our marriage annulled.”
Fury and gut-wrenching hurt collided in him, rocking his foundation. God damn it, what a superb actress his wife was! Her concern, her caring… it was all a facade. All this time he’d thought her sincere and trustworthy, innocent and guileless, and most laughable of all, unselfish. She was no better than the fortune-hunting females who had dogged his heels for years. He could not believe she had the nerve, the gall, to stand in front of him and claim she wanted to end their marriage for his happiness when what she really wanted was another husband for herself.
But what fueled his rage to the boiling point was the thought of her with another man. That image filled him with such violence, he nearly choked. Yet he welcomed the rage, for without it, the raw hurt would simply overwhelm him.
“Look at me,” he ordered in a voice that dripped ice.
When she continued to stare toward the window, he grabbed her chin and forced her head around. “Look at me, damn it.” She met his gaze with a cool detachment that infuriated him. There was nothing in her expression to indicate she was the woman he’d made love with only hours ago. How had she hidden this side of herself from him? How the hell had she fooled him so completely? It took every ounce of restraint he possessed not to shake her.
“You missed your calling, my dear. You could have been superb on the stage. You certainly had me convinced that you were all things good and decent. But clearly you are nothing more than a common schemer and accomplished liar. Your refusal to be a proper wife to me is certainly ample grounds for me to rid myself of you.” He dropped her chin as if she’d scorched him.
Her face turned to chalk. “You’ll agree to an annulment?”
“No, Elizabeth. I shall demand an annulment—as soon as I’ve ascertained that you are not already carrying my child. For the next two months you shall reside at my estate just outside London. That should be sufficient time to determine if you are pregnant or not.”
Stark fear slashed across her features. She obviously hadn’t considered that the damage might have already been done. “And if I’m not?”
“Then our marriage will end.”
“What if I am… with child?”
“Then we’ll be forced to endure this sham marriage. Whether you choose to stay or leave after the baby’s birth—”
“I could never abandon my child.”
A bitter laugh escaped him. “Really? You’re certainly willing to abandon your commitment to our marriage. Given that fact, I’m not sure what you are capable of.”
Something flashed in her eyes, and for a moment he thought she meant to argue, but she merely pressed her lips together.
“One more thing,” he said. “I shall expect y
ou to behave with the utmost propriety during the next two months. You will speak of this to no one and you will do nothing to bring shame upon me or my family. Do you understand? I’ll not have my wife bearing some other man’s child.”
Again he thought he detected a flash of raw pain in her eyes, but she merely lifted her chin and said, “I will not be unfaithful.”
“You’re damned right, you won’t. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get dressed. I’ll make the necessary arrangements for your stay in the country.”
“What about me helping you find William?”
“If you see anything else, send me a message. I shall conduct my own investigation from here. Without you.”
Striding across the room, he opened the adjoining door to her bedchamber. She stood still for several heartbeats, her gaze riveted on his, her expression unreadable. Then she swiftly crossed the room and walked into her chamber. Austin closed the door after her and very deliberately turned the lock into place. The click reverberated through the sudden silence.
Alone in his chamber, he braced his fists against the door and closed his eyes against the emotions battling inside him, stabbing him, consuming him, overwhelming him until he wanted to scream. Half of him was furious. Coldly, darkly furious.
The other half of him hurt so badly he nearly fell to his knees. There was an empty hole in his chest where his heart had beaten only minutes before. Before Elizabeth had torn it out with her bare hands and sliced it in two.
Before he’d met her, he’d been only half a man, existing yet not living. She’d made him whole with her sweetness and innocence, laughter and love… but they didn’t really exist. He’d never thought a woman would want him for himself, but he’d believed Elizabeth had. He’d never thought he’d fall in love, but he had, with a heart and soul he’d thought gone forever.
Walking to the window, he pulled the curtain aside, and looked with unseeing eyes out the window at a world suddenly gone bleak.
She’d made him love her.
And it was all an illusion.
Until Elizabeth, he’d never carried around hopes and dreams for his future. He’d been consumed by the secrets he carried inside and had moved from one meaningless affair to another, from one club to the next, from one boring party to another.
Jacquie D'Alessandro Page 22