Jayce & Emma

by Barbara Winkes

  Ten minutes later, the meeting and any dealings it included, had obviously come to an end. Emma peered at her watch. She’d wait another ten or so to make sure everyone was gone, and then retreat to her room, try to distract herself, read or go over the newspaper ads again. She’d forget what she’d overheard. She didn’t want to be drawn into anything that looked so clearly like trouble. The minutes ticked by, too slowly for all the nervous energy she still harbored. Eventually, Emma got up and carefully opened the door, sighing in relief when the kitchen was empty. Maybe instead of hiding, she should take a walk, breathe some fresh air to clear her head. Emma might have done that, hadn’t she found herself face to face with a furious Meg the next moment.

  “I knew it. It’s you!”

  “Me? What?”

  Meg pushed her up against the wall, hard enough to rattle her teeth. Emma understood in an instant that trouble was not a prospect of the future. She was already in deep.

  “I didn’t do anything!”

  “Tell that to the cops you’re snitching for,” Meg seethed.

  “I’m not…”

  “Don’t lie to me!”

  Emma’s heart raced, her fear skyrocketing when Meg’s hand closed around her throat. Unable to speak, she could not give Meg the truth or lies, but the irony failed her at the moment.

  “Hey! What’s going on here?”

  Meg’s grip loosened, and Emma sank back against the wall, coughing. The room was spinning, but she could make out Jayce’s concerned expression.

  “What are you doing?” Her voice was tinged with anger.

  “Well, I told you there was a snitch. Now we know who it is.”

  “Stop it. Leave her alone.” Jayce groaned. “Great job. You could have just as well put up a sign and announce to everyone what we were doing.”

  “I don’t know, and I don’t care what you were doing,” Emma offered after finding her voice again. “You leave me alone, and I do the same.”

  When Meg made another move towards her, Jayce held up her hand. “That’s fair enough, I think. I’m sorry, Emma. Meg jumps to conclusions all too quickly. You shouldn’t though. It’s all good.”

  “I’m sure. Have a good evening.”

  All of a sudden, the need for fresh air had become overwhelming. Emma stopped in her room long enough to get her purse and a coat, and all but fled from the building. It wasn’t until she made it into the park on the other side of the street that her breathing returned to normal. She was still shaking. Her throat hurt.

  “Hey. Please wait.”

  She should probably be more grateful, but given the big picture, Emma had a hard time finding that sentiment. “Aren’t you worried that Meg’s going to find out?”

  “Meg knows I’m here,” Jayce said.

  “Oh, even better. Did she send you to finish the job?”

  To her surprise, Jayce started laughing. No, Emma wasn’t just surprised. She was offended by the other woman’s reaction.

  “Care to tell me why this is so funny? She nearly strangled me.”

  “Yeah.” Jayce turned serious in an instant. “She has no idea what she’s doing, actually, and that can be pretty dangerous. Let me see?”

  “Why?” However, she obediently brushed her hair aside for Jayce to inspect what was no doubt an ugly bruise. Emma might not have been in acute danger of dying, but she’d nearly fainted. In fact, the memory made her knees buckle and Jayce reach out for her quickly.

  “Why what?”

  She shivered under Jayce’s careful touch, a reaction that wasn’t entirely appropriate, and Emma was well aware.

  “Why did you come to my rescue? You’re in on whatever dealings she’s doing. Doesn’t that undermine her authority or something?”

  “I don’t answer to her.” Jayce’s quiet tone held a note of warning. Emma was more confused than ever.

  “Then why did you—”

  “Sometimes it’s better not to ask too many questions, and no, this is not a threat. I don’t want you to get caught up in any of this.”

  This time, Emma held back the question, if barely.

  “Because unlike some of us, you have the chance to get this right,” Jayce said softly. “Come on. It’s getting late.”

  * * * *

  Emma paused on the job application. She knew she was stalling, and not only for the fact that she would have loved to work in the small bookstore rather than a fast food joint. It wasn’t like she had that many options, after all it was her fault she was facing this dilemma in the first place, wasn’t it?

  It was an entirely different dilemma that kept her from finishing her task. Ridiculous that Jayce was occupying her thoughts like this when she had a load of other problems to deal with. Get off Meg’s radar, find a job and a place to stay.

  This wasn’t a good time or place to have feelings for someone, let alone act on them. In a way, it had been easier in prison, and a lot more messed up. She hadn’t expected anything from either of the two women she’d had sex with. A trade-off against loneliness and paranoia—or justified fear, Emma didn’t know, because she’d been constantly afraid from the moment that gunshot rang out. It had been a distraction from a dire reality.

  Now, if she let somebody touch her, and maybe Jayce was even interested…She would make herself vulnerable again, to plans and hopes. The last time, it had nearly destroyed her. Emma didn’t want to go down that road again, but when she lay down that night, the narrow single bed felt cold and empty. She couldn’t get warm. She couldn’t take her mind of the images, memory mixing with imagination.

  She wanted to be close to someone who wouldn’t use her, before all her ambitions of leaving the house, standing on her own feet—but Jayce wasn’t that person. Jayce had her own troubles, and if Emma’s instincts were worth anything, they were big enough to warrant some distance.

  Her subconscious didn’t think so.

  In her dream, she was trapped against the bars of a holding cell by a hot body, wandering hands exploring her, the voice whispering to her all too familiar. Emma woke with a start, her heart pounding so hard it was almost painful, aching in a place she would have preferred to ignore.

  A lack of prospects, being watched by Meg, and kinky sex dreams about the new girl—the list just kept growing.

  * * * *

  The next morning, neither Jayce nor Meg mentioned what had happened in the kitchen, or after, for which Emma was grateful. She sat by herself for breakfast and went back to filling out applications afterwards. Going out to mail them would take her mind of more troublesome subjects for a while.

  Standing at the bus stop, she was shivering in the cold wind, but nonetheless grateful to have escaped the claustrophobic feel of the house—at least it felt like that to her since last night. Thinking it was safe to hide out for a while had been a treacherous illusion. If Jayce hadn’t been there…Emma felt her cheeks heat as the dream came back to her, and she was grateful when the bus arrived.

  It was a ten-minute ride into town. In favor of saving money, she had planned to return most of the applications on foot. Emma was almost swayed by the cold gust of wind in her face the moment she left the warmth of the bus, but she figured it was the equivalent to the cold shower she obviously needed.

  When all her errands were done, her hands were pink with the cold, and with regret she realized she should have put on gloves. It was going to snow soon. She wanted to be out of the house before Christmas. Emma wasn’t so sure if it still could happen. To warm up, she stepped into a bookstore for a moment—not the one where she had applied—and walked along the shelves with jealousy. Once upon a time, she would have filled her cart without thinking. The days before Maxine, when she was living an ordinary, mostly happy life, Emma had held on to a job and a reasonable amount of self-confidence. She had wanted a bit more excitement in it. If she’d been able to turn around to her younger self, she would have slapped her. Hard. Of course, she would have made the same fatal mistakes, because that younger version of Emma
had not taken advice from anyone and walked right into the trap.

  She shook herself out of her reverie and all but ran out of the store. Next door was a coffee shop, and for a moment, she wished back her old life with an intensity it hurt. The fancy coffees and cakes were beyond her price range, and maybe always would be. Emma only had herself to blame…and Maxine, but she preferred not to think of her as someone other than a faint shadow in a nightmare, a delusion.

  Speaking of delusions.

  “Are you following me?” she asked, irritated. “This is what you can report back to Meg. I don’t care what she’s doing, I won’t rat her out. I was mailing applications. I want out of that house as soon as possible.”

  “I know.” The corner of Jayce’s mouth twitched, revealing that she was suppressing a smile in reaction to Emma’s accusations. “Actually, I was following you, I admit it. I wanted to talk to you without the risk of running into someone from the house.”

  “Why?” At this point, Jayce had to think she wasn’t capable of conversation other than monosyllabic questions or angry rants. Not the image you wanted to give someone…you had sex dreams about. Emma blushed hotly. “I mean, we’re good. I’m grateful you came to my rescue. There’s nothing to talk about.” –or was there?

  “What if I’d like to get to know you? Besides, it’s freezing cold out here. Let me buy you a coffee?”

  For the life of her, Emma couldn’t figure out the subtext, her perception sadly clouded by thoughts that no cold shower or wind could have erased. She was frustrated enough at this point in her life that she was in danger of getting careless.

  “You’ve been in the house for a few days. How do you have the money for this?”

  She’d probably deserved the laughter. “How about ‘Sure, thanks, Jayce’?”

  Emma shook her head. “You’re so full of yourself.”

  “Milk and sugar or black?”

  They ended up sharing a cupcake, raspberry-chocolate, with a black coffee for each of them. The subjects between them were a lot less sweet.

  “Sometimes I still feel like this is happening to someone else and that I’m only watching from the outside. One moment I’m thinking about backpacking through Europe, and then Maxine says ‘hey, let’s go for a ride’. She’s been depressed for weeks, so I think this is a good sign. I didn’t know she had a gun with her until we went into that store,” Emma remembered, shuddering. “A couple of beers, sandwiches, and a bag of chips, and she shoots the guy. I didn’t see it coming. I don’t know, maybe, in retrospect, I should have. She could be erratic.”

  “How did you end up in prison?” Jayce asked. Her gaze was warm and without the judgment that Emma had come to expect. She had accepted that she deserved it. After all, a person was dead, which was partly because of her negligence, wasn’t it? She shrugged helplessly. “Her word against mine, no witnesses. She didn’t deny taking the shot, but she told them I was in on it from the beginning.” Maxine in her despair could be convincing. “I didn’t have the most motivated lawyer in the world…It could have been worse. Hell, from what I know now, I’m lucky. She could have shot me.”

  In answer, Jayce laid her hand over Emma’s, let it rest there. Don’t, Emma wanted to say. I can’t go there. She didn’t move.

  “What about you?”

  “You heard it all in group counseling. I’ve got nothing to add.” Jayce’s expression was guarded.

  “Why Meg?” If anything, the answer might show her a picture she didn’t want to see. Some people remained stuck in the same pattern, on the inside, on the outside. Steel bars and barbed wire hardly made any difference in the big picture. Emma didn’t want Jayce to be one of those people. She wanted her to have a reason.

  Jayce removed her hand as if she couldn’t answer the question as long as they were connected like that. “I had an accident a while ago. I’m still on painkillers…sometimes.”

  With that explanation, there came a lot more questions. What kind of accident? Where did she get the money to pay off Meg? Why would any of this be Emma’s business or concern?

  “Be careful. You saw what kind of people she hangs out with.” She shook herself. Jayce had been part of that meeting. How silly was it to try and warn her?

  “I can take care of myself.” Jayce squared her shoulders. “Let’s talk about something more pleasant while we’re here. What do you want to do when you get out of the house? With the first paycheck—or after that first job to get you back on your feet.”

  Emma wasn’t so sure there could be a life for her beyond finding a job that paid the bills, a life that wasn’t entirely tainted by her time with Maxine.

  “I guess I didn’t think about it all that much. I’ll be happy to be in my own four walls, maybe have a cat, read a book with a cup of tea.” Her face warmed as she repeated those words in her head—true enough for her, but she expected a woman like Jayce to laugh at them.

  Jayce, however, didn’t laugh. “Sounds nice. Would you be willing to accept visitors in that vision?”

  Startled, Emma looked up at her. Jayce opened her bag and produced a new paperback, handing it to Emma.

  “You wanted it so much,” she said, as if that was reason enough. Before Emma could react in any way, she added, “I want to read it too, don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be done before one of those applications works out for you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  This time, she held Jayce’s gaze, uncaring of anything she might reveal to her. If this wasn’t a public place…if they didn’t have to report back at the house where the walls were too thin for any secrets…The daydream ended abruptly. There was no point in playing the “what if” game. It wasn’t up to them to make those choices.

  “I think we should head home now, before anyone wonders where we are,” she said. Home. The word seemed to mock her.

  * * * *

  “What’s going on with you and Jayce?” Alison asked when they were sitting over dinner. “You’re not going to do something crazy, are you? Stick to the plan, remember?”

  “Shh,” Emma interrupted her, before she could continue her rant, blushing. The subject of their conversation was leaning against the counter, surveying the room with a speculative gaze. Fortunately, Jayce was out of earshot. “There’s nothing going on.”

  “That’s not what I’m hearing, and I’m telling you, it’s coming up in all the wrong places. Be careful. Don’t piss off the Queen B.”

  “What does that have to do with anything?”

  “Everything. You know she’s up to nothing good, but she’s set her eyes on J, is what the grapevine says. She doesn’t like competition.”

  “Well, I’m not trying to compete, in anything. I’m praying that one of those applications will work out, and I can get out of here.”

  Alison gave her a dubious look. “Don’t we all, honey. Would you like to watch some TV later?”

  Emma shook her head. “No, thanks. I’ve got a book to read.”

  “That’s right, you were in town today. Gets better each time, doesn’t it?”

  “I guess.” Emma wasn’t that naïve. She guessed that Alison must have had some suspicions based on what had happened today—but who had told her? She should stop trying to answer questions, and more importantly, stop asking them in the first place. Take a shower, curl up in bed with a book, stay clear of any distractions or temptations. She cast an anxious look towards Meg who had walked in with her posse, ignoring Emma and Alison altogether. As long as Meg let her.

  Jayce went to join them. Emma looked back at her plate and realized she had lost her appetite.

  She spent a longer time than usual in the shower, trying to get warm, get a handle on her anxiety, and her hazardous desires. Hazardous, because they endangered every goal she’d managed to form since having to come to terms with her altered reality. Nothing worked. She read half a page, before closing the book again, staring at the cover for a long moment. The idea refused to leave her
mind, and if Emma was honest, she didn’t want it to. There was only one way to make her feel warm and relaxed, and if she was going to pursue that avenue, she’d have to ignore most of what she knew about Jayce. She knew nothing, really. No, that wasn’t true. The way her heart was beating this moment told her a lot. Emma’s life had been shattered before because she couldn’t read the signs. At least this time, she was walking into disaster with her eyes wide open.

  * * * *

  Emma walked across the corridor, feeling watched though the space was empty. It was a little like going to town and freaking. She was always certain everyone knew, that she’d been to prison, that because of her, intended or not, a life had ended. She didn’t deserve to be happy. She didn’t deserve to feel this excited, but damn, she did. Raising her hand, she knocked.

  “Come on in.”

  Jayce got up from where she was sitting on her bed, not even looking surprised it was Emma paying her a visit.

  “Hey. You didn’t like it?” she said with a quick glance to the book.

  “No, yes, I…I needed an excuse to come here in case anyone would ask,” Emma admitted. At least, she wasn’t stammering like she had feared.

  Jayce came to stand in front of her, too close. “An excuse for what?” she asked, a small, amused smile playing over her lips.

  “This,” Emma said and leaned in to kiss her. Jayce reached out, and for a moment, Emma feared she might push her away, but instead, Jayce’s hands were warm on Emma’s face as she returned the kiss. Finally, Emma was warm all over. She had done her best to keep the distance, to keep her emotions in check, but none of it could have made her forget how much she missed being held in a passionate embrace promising much more than a friendly hug. Being kissed by someone who wasn’t looking back.