by Lila Felix
“She’s great.”
“She really is. I hope my mom didn’t grill you too much last night. I swear she could make the CIA give her secret pictures of Marilyn Monroe.”
“Um, no, actually for some reason I just blurted out my whole life story. There was no coercion whatsoever.” Then her face turned white as a sheet and I knew immediately what she was thinking.
“Don’t worry, if she told you that she won’t tell me, then she won’t. Believe me; once Sylvia Black decides to keep a secret, she’s like the Pentagon.”
She breathed out her relief. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. It’s just that I’m not ready for you to hear about all of my baggage. I just want to get to know you before I lay all of that on the table.” Thank God. I wasn’t ready to blab about Kate or admit to anyone how much it really killed me for her to say those things to me.
“I’m not asking you to.” The restaurant showed telltale signs of closing so I took our trays and emptied them and then we got back into my truck.
“What time do you work tomorrow?” What I didn’t want to tell her was that I already knew.
“I work ten to seven tomorrow. The new schedule for the derby season starts tomorrow.” I knew that schedule by heart.
“Tuesday, Thursday practices, Friday night dinners, Saturday night bouts, right?” She smiled, I assumed at my derby knowledge.
“Yeah, that’s right. It’s kinda cool how much you know about derby even though you’re the Dues Nazi.”
“The what?” I didn’t know what the hell she was calling me.
“The Dues Nazi. The person who handles the money for the team. Sorry, it’s not derogatory. It’s just what that person is called, though usually it’s someone on the team from what I know.”
“Oh, well, that’s me. The stiff with the money.”
“That’s just what you look like. You’re someone else completely.”
“If you say so.”
I drove and until I turned onto the bookstore’s street. That’s when my heart dropped to my knees. I didn’t want to bring her back. I didn’t want her to step one foot out of my truck. But she had to. But damn it, I didn’t have to like it one bit.
I pulled in next to her car and she gave me a tight lipped smile. There were so many things I wanted to get out of her but tonight wasn’t the night. I wanted to know why I saw her sleeping in her car. I wanted to know why a visibly intelligent girl like her wasn’t in school. I wanted to know about why a family would throw her out. Then I wanted their address to show them the real meaning of throw someone somewhere. Plus, the old fashioned man in me wanted to walk her to her doorstep and experience that first kiss with her. Dropping her off here at her car went against everything that was in me. But if this was the way I got to see her, then I would bend over backwards to do it.
Chapter 14
Reed
When I put my skates on I felt like Stuart from MadTV. “Look what I can do!” And then I proceeded to spaz out. And then when someone tried to help me I said, “Let me do it” with my arm out all stupid. All that was missing was a plaid shirt and a Speedo.
I drove away and a couple of blocks over until I thought he was gone. In an ideal world, scratch that, in a normal world, he would’ve driven me home and then he would’ve put those pouty lips to mine. And tonight, he opened his mouth to take a bite of that enormous sandwich and I got a glimpse of two piercings on his tongue. It was all I could do not to climb over the table, throw the food on the floor, grab him to me by his collar and get the full experience of those barbells for myself. And what kind of guy reserves the entire theatre so he can spend the time with me? With me?
I parked behind that diner again, exhausted and still knowing that there was no way I was going to get a good night’s sleep. Plus, if things weren’t bad enough, it was really getting cold outside. Louisiana had a knack for getting really cold in late February and March. And my car wasn’t the most insulated sleeping quarters.
I had gotten out of his car without speaking, mostly because I was humiliated beyond all words. He didn’t know he was dating a girl who nobody wanted and didn’t even have a place to sleep. Part of me, a very miniscule part, wanted to go ahead and tell him and let it end now before I got my heart broken, more importantly before his heart was broken. But I was too selfish for that. I wanted Falcon, all of him, for as long as I could have him, even if it meant I would one day lose him.
I’m sure there was some kind of dating rule against what I was about to do but I couldn’t help myself.
Me: I had the best time tonight. Thank you.
Falcon: You’re welcome. It’s going to be hard to see you with your new schedule.
Me: I know. We’ll have to make it work.
Falcon: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me: What page would that be?
Falcon: The first page of our story.
And this is what I was already starting to love about Falcon. He was so sincere when he spoke to me, he had no fear. Me? I was scared to death that as soon as he knew who I really was that I’d be passed on to the next person just like I’d been my whole life. But in this case, the fear was worth every second I got to be delusional with him.
The great thing about this particular parking spot? If I turned my head just right, I could see the door to his apartment. And I wished more than anything that he would let me in.
Saturday was a complete blur. I didn’t even see Falcon or Nellie the whole day until about six thirty when Falcon came in to hand out paychecks and cash mine. They must’ve been doing some serious shopping. I felt better about having some money in my pocket and one step closer to getting a place of my own.
Sunday and Monday I worked a longer schedule in order to make up for practice and bout time. It had been less than 72 hours since I’d been alone with Falcon and it was killing me not to have that time with him again. I got off work at seven on Monday and when I walked out the back door he was there, leaning on my car like a rebel without a care.
“You didn’t answer your texts so Madame Sylvia sent me to get you.”
I pulled out my phone and checked, six missed texts.
“I had it turned on silent, sorry. What’s up?” Please let it be, “I was dying to kiss you so I came over here to crush your lips to mine.”
“Family dinner tonight. You can’t get out of them now.”
“I thought they were on Tuesdays.”
He laughed and took my hand to lead me to his truck.
“Yeah, but we’re all on Derby Standard Time now, so family dinners get shifted to Mondays.”
“Really?” I’d never seen a family who scheduled everything to maximize time together. It was odd to me.
“Oh yeah. Started years ago with Nellie. Come on before Mom beats me again.”
“Your mom does not beat you. She’s the greatest.”
He stopped in his tracks after I said that and I couldn’t figure out what I’d said wrong. He turned and closed the distance between us, picking me up under my arms and swung me around. Even as he put me down, he didn’t let go. I nearly cried at the asylum, the haven I experienced in his arms. The emotion so overwhelming that I couldn’t even raise my arms in reciprocation.
He pulled away and looked at me; the tears crept closer to raining on my face as he swept both of his thumbs under my eyes and caught them before they could.
“What’s wrong? Tell me.” He whispered.
“Nothing’s wrong. But a lot is right.” I mustered my best smile and he smiled back but now his irises showed a reflection of my lips.
“You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now. But I won’t until after dinner.”
“Why,” I asked. Please let it be a reason I can argue with successfully.
“Because if I kiss you now I’ll spend the entire meal thinking about it and you’ll spend the whole time in a full blush. Then they’ll know what’s going on and we’ll never hear the end of it.”
“Ok, but
I’m holding you to that. And I hope you got more ice cream.”
“You knew?” I didn’t know but I had a hunch and he fell for it hook, line and sinker.
“I do now.”
“You tricksy little vixen. Get in the truck. And yes, I got you more ice cream.”
I turned on his stereo after we got into the truck and wasn’t surprised in the least to hear Corey Hart belting out a ballad about wearing sunglasses at night. I knew the words, of course. One of my foster moms had an eighties fetish.
We were late to dinner, mostly because of me. When we walked in, two seats were empty at the huge round table, next to each other. Falcon pulled my chair out for me—yet another thing I didn’t know guys still did. Everyone talked about the main event, Owen and Nellie having a baby. Sylvia and Chase, what they told me to call them, were gushing about being grandparents and all the baby stuff they needed to buy. Then the name debate started. Falcon stayed quiet beside me.
Maddox kept shouting out these random weird names like Modesto and Hyrem. Nellie couldn’t even eat, she was laughing so hard. I ate my specially made pasta as I sat and observed what a great family they were. I wondered if I would’ve been different if I had a family like this one.
Just as my thoughts started to get to me, Falcon’s hand enveloped mine under the table and the warmth in it was so much deeper than temperature.
“You ok?” He whispered to me and even though the volume of his voice was low, the gesture of him so close to me didn’t escape the notice of the table. Nellie winked at me. They were all going to hate me when Falcon discovered what a liar I was.
I nodded at him; it was all I could make myself do. I felt like the wolf at a table full of lambs. I grabbed his hand harder, I needed a lifeline.
“You wanna get out of here?” He whispered and I whispered back, “Please.”
He had no idea what was brewing inside me and I never wanted him to. I needed to end this now.
We drove back to the bookstore in silence. He didn’t press me or try to force it out of me and I was grateful for it. Because I was about to shut down the best person I’d ever met. So before I lost my nerve, what shred of it I had, I blurted it out.
“I can’t do this Falcon.” And then came the crack of my own heart breaking open.
Chapter 15
Falcon
I have road rage, I’ll be the first to admit it. When someone pulls out in front of me and then goes 23 ½ miles an hour I want to run into them and let them sit on their back bumper while I laugh. Shut up, you know you do it too.
Think Falcon, slow down and think. Something was going on with her at dinner and she’s let it fester until she came to this conclusion. Talk her through it.
“Why?” Come on say something that doesn’t make sense so I can get all logical on your ass.
“Look Falcon, I’m just—I’m not like you. I don’t come from this great family. I don’t have any freakin’ idea about how to act around them.” She twisted her earring again.
“Just be yourself. Why would you think you need to act any different? And I don’t care if you came from a great family or not. Nellie came from awful parents but we couldn’t imagine our family without her now.” She fidgeted a minute and I watched as the knuckles on her right hand turned white as she gripped the handle of the door.
“Look, it’s more than that. I’m just different than you. I gotta go.”
I reached for her out of desperation and it made her halt for a fraction of a minute and then she wretched her arm free and walked back to her car. But the truth was; it was me. I was the one who was always different than anyone else. I worked when other people played. I was quiet while listening to the screams of others. I took solace by myself while others sought comfort in friends. And apparently isolated is where I was destined to stay.
I ran up to my apartment and got all of the stuff I bought for Reed and ran it the few blocks down to put it in Nellie’s office. And as I put the bags down I realized the core of the problem. It was right here in my hands. I tried too hard…Went too far…Bought too much…Cared too deep.
I walked back to the apartment, needing the cold air to cut my red hot anger at myself. My phone rang, Nellie.
“Hello?”
“What happened?” I heard a sound like a car door shutting.
“I don’t know. She paled out at dinner. Then she didn’t talk the whole way back. Then all the sudden after I threw the truck in park she spouted out that she couldn’t do this anymore. She came from a different kind of family. She wasn’t the same as me. Then she got out of the truck and left.” I heard her gasp but I continued on. I really wasn’t in the mood for her sage wisdom. “So I dropped her skate stuff in your office. I’ll try to work at night so she doesn’t have to deal with seeing me.”
“Falcon, look…”
“Just don’t Nellie. Just don’t.”
“Ok.” She hung up on me first.
I got back to my apartment and laughed angrily at the sight. I had bought new sheets, pillows, comforter, a new couch and Nellie had made the place look like someone actually lived here. Now it just pissed me off.
I took a shower, needing the jail cell of the shower to punish myself with hot water. I got out, toweled off and put on some gray pajama pants and wiped off the mirror of the steam. Look at my punk ass self. Who was I trying to fool?
I got out a pair of scissors and cut my Mohawk down until it resembled more of a stripe than a spike. I stood at the window, grinding my jaw and I could’ve sworn I saw her car from the corner of my window in a parking lot. No, it couldn’t be. It was just my insanity.
I felt like shit for talking to Nellie like that so I texted her.
Me: I’m sorry. I’m a jerk.
Nellie: You’re way far from a jerk. I love you. It’s gonna be fine.
Me: Yeah. See you on Saturday. Dues Nazi and all. Tell her the stuff is from you.
Nellie: Derby Lingo? So hot. And I won’t lie for you.
Me: Fine.
The rest of the week I worked at night after the bookstore closed. I felt like Ebeneezer Scrooge again, hunched over my desk, the only light on in the store was the one above me.
I missed her. One date and I missed her more than I’ve ever missed anything in my life.
I walked into Harvey’s on Saturday for another exhibition bout. I didn’t know if Reed had gotten her new stuff from Nellie or not. I kept my head down, sure that if I saw her my heart would spring out of my chest at the sight.
I took the money from Nellie that she had already collected and recorded which players had paid and which ones had to deal with me. Apparently Reed had already given her the money, not wanting to deal with me either. I stood towards the back of the crowd as the bout started. Reed got thrown into the sin bin almost immediately for throwing an elbow at the opposing jammer. In total, she got so many penalties that the pivot had to be called in. And she was benched for rowdy behavior. But even in anger she was gorgeous. I left a little into halftime, not willing to watch the zebra flirt with her anymore. Damn referees. I didn’t even look to see if she had her new skates on or not.
Chapter 16
Reed
“You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone” my ass. I knew exactly what I had. And I knew that he deserved so much better than a girl who lived in her car.
I didn’t sleep that night at all. But it was colder than a penguin’s ass out here. I thought about going to the Safehaven but I thought the comfort and safety of my car was probably better than a cot in a room full of people any day. That was my brain talking. My heart? Yeah, she was a whiny assed heifer. She made me want to drive to his apartment, knock on his door and beg.
If I was brave enough, I would just confess to him what was going on with me. But knowing him, he would try to find me a place to live and probably pay for it. That was the least of my worries. Tonight, I realized that I didn’t belong in his world. He had this perfect family who always were there for each other and a
ctually cared. I didn’t even know how to begin to fit into that family as Falcon’s girlfriend or person he was dating or whatever. I just didn’t.
The next week was pure Hell. I finally asked Nellie on Saturday morning why Falcon wasn’t showing up for work and she told me that he was working at night now. I apologized to her but she wasn’t having it.
“Look Reed, we all know Falcon. We know how he is. I know it’s different for someone who doesn’t know him. He’s really an incredible person. When Owen and I broke it off one week before our wedding, do you know who was the first person to text me and call me? It was Falcon. And Falcon didn’t speak to his brother for months until he came back and was on his way to get me back. Falcon was the one who remembered to make sure Owen brought my ring with him. Sylvia is the matriarch of our family but Falcon is the glue. I know it can be overwhelming at first. He’s just so intense sometimes. But that boy’s had it bad since he first saw you. That’s all I’m gonna say.”
“I know. I was sitting there at dinner and it just hit me how different we are.”
“Just because you live in different circumstances, doesn’t mean you are different people.”
“I’m an idiot.”
“Yes, you are. What? I call ‘em like I see ‘em.” Nellie was a spitfire, that was for sure.
“You do. That’s great.”
“Work the rest of your shift, ok? We’ve got our bout tonight and I need your head in the game. After that, go get your boy.”
“Yes ma’am. I can do that.”
“Oh, and speaking of your boy. You see these three bags behind me?”
Of course I saw them. They had skate shop written all over them. I practically drooled every time I had passed her office this week.
“Yeah.”
“They’re all for you. New skates, socks, tights, shorts, skirts, t shirts, you name it, it’s in there. The boy went nuts. Take a look.”
In shock, I walked behind her and looked into the bags. She was right. There were two bags worth of everything a girl would want. And I left the third bag for last. He bought me new skates. Most guys who are with girls who derby just put up with it. But to go out and buy me skates?