A Wedding Tail

by Casey Griffin

  She loved a tall man. It meant that she had to tilt her face up to kiss him rather than down. Plus, it was far better for other things, like spooning—or more important, sixty-nine. At least, that’s the kind of information she’d give clients during her sexucation talks. It’s not like the fact that he wasn’t wearing any pants was making her think that or anything. And certainly not at a time like this.

  He slipped on his pants and as he tucked in his long dress shirt—and himself—she realized he’d been in so much of a hurry that morning that he’d forgotten to put on underwear too. She hadn’t been that close to a wiener since Buddy died.

  She gave Natalie a look, but her assistant just stared at her, as though waiting for instructions. Zoe gave her a wave, and she scurried off. With a final tweak of the bow tie, Zoe stood back like everything was perfectly normal, and handed him his vest.

  “Relax,” he told her. “Life’s too short to stress about the little things.” He shrugged himself into the vest, buttoning it up. “I’ll go jump on the organ now to practice. It will all work out.” He started to leave.

  Relax? The little things? This was so not “little.” Zoe stared after him. Did he think he was simply going to jump on the organ and give it a whirl? Yup, he was opening the door. Now he was headed for the unmanned organ.

  Feeling the seconds tick by and her anxiety level rising, she stormed after him. She laughed incredulously, but kept her voice low as they passed through the sanctuary. “Look. I’m sure someone else here knows how to play. I’m not about to leave something this important up to chance.”

  “It’s not chance,” he said. “I’m a musician. I’ll just wing it.”

  “‘Wing—’” Zoe closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. When she opened them again, he was already seated on the organ bench.

  Marching over, she grabbed his arm—his surprisingly toned arm. “Okay, enough playing around. We’ve only got … one minute before go-time.”

  He gazed up at her pleasantly. “Well, then I guess you’d better go.”

  She scowled down at him. Oh, this was so not part of the plan. So far, she’d averted every crisis that day had thrown at her, kept everything going perfectly to schedule. She’d met every challenge head on. But this guy was more than a challenge with his “just go with the flow” attitude.

  Hesitantly, Levi tried a couple of keys. It sounded like a cat walking across the organ. Zoe flinched.

  “You’d better hurry,” he said. “You only have fifty more seconds to go.” He grinned up at her.

  God, how she wanted to wrap the Congratulations banner around his neck at that moment. And yet she knew that cocky look was going to be starring in her silicone-induced fantasies later that night.

  She checked her watch again. He was right. She supposed there was no helping it. Levi was going to play the organ.

  Gritting her teeth, Zoe spun on her heel to go search for her bride, wincing with each incorrect note he played as he tried to “wing” it.

  She remembered at the last minute to toss the priest a pack of cough drops and headed to the foyer where she found Juliet and her entourage already making their way through the hall. Makeup back in place, hair artfully rearranged, Juliet looked like a picture-perfect bride, smile and all.

  “Oh. You look wonderful,” Zoe said. And this time she meant it. “Are you ready?”

  Juliet squealed in excitement. It appeared as though she’d done a complete one-eighty since she’d last seen her. “Yes.”

  Zoe didn’t have to ask if she was sure about her groom. She’d be crazy to not want to marry a man as patient and understanding—and maybe slightly oblivious—as Owen.

  “Good,” Zoe said. “He’s already waiting for you. Let’s go.”

  Juliet nodded and took her place at the end of the procession line next to her father.

  Zoe leaned close to Natalie. “Nice job on the makeup, by the way.”

  “All the fires put out?” Natalie asked.

  “Not out, just maintained. Make sure the doves are outside the front steps for the end. Oh, and we need that new cake for the reception.”

  “I’m all over it.”

  A quick scan of those gathered outside the doors told Zoe the devil flower girl had made a break for it again. She was probably bouncing off the walls somewhere from all the sugar. But at least they still had Juliet’s other niece to sprinkle rose petals.

  The bridesmaids lined up like a rainbow outside the doors, and Zoe raised her watch to check it one last time just as it struck one o’clock on the dot. Poking her head into the nave, she glared at the blue bow tied groomsman sitting at the organ.

  Levi was just hanging out, staring off into space. Didn’t he know how critical this was? Or was everything “no big deal” to him?

  Zoe waved her hand back and forth furiously before he finally noticed her and waved back. She moved her hand in a circular motion, trying to cue him to begin. He gave her a thumbs-up and raised his hands above the keys.

  She resisted the urge to stick her fingers in her ears as she held her breath for the first note. But when his fingers hit those keys, it actually sounded in tune. And as they drifted over the organ, it formed a real song. Canon in D, she realized. Levi was playing a classical song. How does one simply “wing” Pachelbel?

  Zoe watched in amazement. People didn’t often catch her off-guard, but Levi certainly had. And that irritated the hell out of her. He was flaky, laid-back, unpredictable. She couldn’t plan for unpredictable.

  When heat began to rise above her blazer collar and over her cheeks, she realized the entire congregation had turned expectantly to her. There was a tap on her shoulder.

  “Zoe.” Natalie whispered behind her. “Zoe, we should begin.”

  “Oh right.”

  Jumping to action, Zoe opened the doors wide and backed out of the way.

  She turned to the first person in line: the MOB. “Well, you’re up first. Looks like everything is going well.”

  Mrs. Fisher smiled, her heavily eye-shadowed gaze fixed on Zoe’s. “You’d better hope so.”

  Zoe’s eye twitched, but she managed to ignore the implied threat. Stepping aside, she gestured for the woman to enter the nave. As she glided by at a measured pace, Zoe spotted a few pieces of red velvet cake clinging to her curls and smiled to herself.

  All Zoe’s hard work and planning came together in that moment. The parents marched first, followed by the bridesmaids who looked like a perfect rainbow arching down the aisle. The flower girl tossed her petals and Juliet’s ring-bearing dog was actually bearing. Finally, the bride slipped her arm through her father’s and she gave Zoe a nod.

  The harmonious humming from the organ inside altered in an improvised segue into the traditional wedding march. Somehow Zoe didn’t think her last-minute pianist just winged that either. But she didn’t have time to think about that as she signaled the bride forward.

  The room was hushed as Juliet made her way toward her future husband. Suddenly, the cake wouldn’t matter, the horse was going to be a minor hiccup—she hoped—and the dress was forgotten. Because all the bride and groom could see in that moment was their partner. Their focus was on each other, where it should be. Not on the details.

  And that’s why Zoe did what she did. For that moment when everything came together and the bride and groom’s day was suddenly perfect. She took satisfaction in knowing she helped give them the day she never got. Because no one should have to go through what she did. Not on what was supposed to be the best day of their life.

  Zoe snuck in and quietly sat down in the back row. She preferred to be present during the ceremony in case anything went awry. Over the years, she’d had a fainting pastor, a narcoleptic photographer, and a father of the bride with a heart attack. By now she was prepared for practically anything a wedding day could throw at her. She’d developed some pretty mean photo and video skills and had taken advanced CPR and first-aid training. Hell, she’d even been ordained—just in ca
se.

  She sat back and listened to the priest recite the same old routine that she’d heard a thousand times. By the time they got to the end, she began to think this disaster might actually work out. And not because things just magically worked out on their own, like Levi Dolson believed. It was thanks to Zoe being on top of her game. She was an expert, after all.

  Zoe waited for the end of the ceremony with anticipation, and it wasn’t because she was moved by the union, but because that’s when her busy afternoon picked up again.

  She zoned out for a few seconds, already running through the to-do list in her head. By the time she tuned back in, the groom stepped forward, Zoe thought to kiss the bride. Then she looked to the front. It wasn’t the groom. It was the best man.

  Confusion rippled throughout the room among both the congregation and the wedding party. The priest glanced between the bride and groom. Juliet and Owen shared a look.

  Finally, the best man spoke, and because there was dead silence, it was clear as a wedding bell even to Zoe in the far back.

  “I object.”

  There was a chorus of gasps and held breaths from around the room.

  Oh, shit, thought Zoe.

  She’d been so worried about every little detail that could destroy Juliet and Owen’s special day that she’d never considered this possibility. It had never happened before. Usually all the objections were made by this point. And they had been—yet Owen was still determined to go through with it.

  Her whole body tensed with the instinct to sprint up there and tackle the best man. Her job was to give the couple a perfect day, to sort out any issues, iron out the kinks. But this was one problem she couldn’t fix. One problem that had nothing to do with the wedding planner.

  The best man took a deep breath. “I’m in love with Juliet.”

  It was as though time had stopped. The priest looked confused, the bride shocked, the groom furious. As Juliet opened her mouth to respond, the double doors burst open. Everyone turned in the pews to watch as Juliet’s uncle stumbled in.

  His glazed eyes cast over the room before he yelled out, “Congratulations!” He raised one of the bottles meant for the wedding party table and took a deep swig.

  Juliet began to cry, a full-on ugly cry. The groom seemed torn between comforting her and punching the best man’s lights out. But whatever he was saying to Juliet was drowned out as the FOG and the MOB picked up where they left off in the kitchen. Their screams could be heard echoing through the cloisters and above the church bells that rang at the exact time the ceremony was supposed to finish.

  The guests twisted and turned in their seats, their surprise and gossip a hum of constant noise that set Zoe’s teeth on edge. She jumped to her feet, not even sure what she could possibly do other than usher people outside or call the police to prevent a murder.

  As she pressed her way into the aisle, she watched the MIA flower girl scamper through the open doors and down the aisle screaming “Hell!” The flock of remaining doves released from their cages flew by her like she was the profane pied piper of birds.

  The flower girl’s timing couldn’t have been better, Zoe thought numbly, because as the bride came sprinting down the aisle past Zoe, the groom hot on her heels, she realized that the wedding was, in fact, over.

  One dove flew over Zoe’s head and up to a chandelier, it’s poorly timed evacuation landing squarely on Mrs. Fisher’s feathered fascinator—maybe in an animal-cruelty protest, of sorts. Excited by all the commotion, the ring bearer began humping a guest’s fake-fur purse.

  Zoe stared at the chaos in disbelief. How the hell did this happen? More important, how was she going to fix this?

  Reaching into her fanny pack, she found her fuzzy strength. With a deep breath, she gathered her wits and began to make a mental list.

  Tie up the dog

  Shoo the birds out

  Stuff cake into the cussing flower girl’s mouth

  Kick the best man in the balls

  Coax the bride back in front of the priest

  While on her way up the aisle to grab the dog’s leash, Zoe noticed people starting to leave, probably because the doves were still lingering dangerously overhead. She held her hands up and addressed the congregation as a whole.

  “Don’t worry everyone!” she yelled in the most confident voice she could muster. “This is just a little hiccup. Please remain seated, and we’ll be underway again in no time!”

  But Juliet’s partially deaf grandmother obviously never heard her because she shuffled out of the aisle, bumping into Zoe. Her cane crunched down on Zoe’s foot.

  Yelping, she leapt aside, hopping on one foot. She bumped into another guest. When she turned around, she found herself face of face with Levi.

  “Well, I’m glad I didn’t sleep through this wedding,” he said like he was making casual conversation. “How can I help?”

  The last thing she needed right then was a guy who thought this was all no big deal. “Just stand up at the front and be ready for a wedding.” She began dragging the overexcited golden retriever down the aisle.

  “Zoe!” he called over the crowd. “Are you sure?”

  “I’ve got this,” she said. “I have a plan!” But just as she was wrangling the dog out the doors with the promise of treats, she saw the bride racing through the church’s front doors to wave down a cab.

  Zoe ran after her, calling out, “Juliet! Come back!”

  But she couldn’t be heard over the loud hee-haw that blurted from the sidewalk. A man in a sombrero blocked her path down the steps. He yelled into the church doors like he was delivering pizza to a college rec room.

  “I have a donkey here for a Zoe Plum!”

  Zoe gaped at the donkey chewing on the shabby chic sign directing wedding guests into the church. It also wore an oversized sombrero and poncho. “Horse, Natalie. I said horse,” she muttered under her breath. Smelly donkey just didn’t have the same romantic feel while riding into the sunset.

  “Hee-haw!” it said.

  If only Zoe could talk to Juliet. The day might still be saved. So it didn’t go as planned. So what? It was about the end result, right? No big deal?

  But before she could push past the donkey, the cab’s tires squealed. Burning rubber, it sped off.

  Owen chased after it, his dress shoes clicking on the pavement. The train of Juliet’s dress, which was shut in the door, dragged along Bush Street behind it, flapping in the wind.

  Zoe watched in disbelief. How could things have gone so wrong so fast? She thought she’d been prepared for everything that could go wrong. She just never expected for everything to go wrong at the exact same time. How was it even possible?

  She sensed someone come up beside her. For a moment, she expected Natalie or maybe even Levi. But the smell of bourbon and coffee invaded her nostrils before she even turned around.

  A wobbly Uncle Wally raised his bottle of wine at the retreating cab. “You win some, you lose some.” Then he bent over and vomited on her rose topiary.

  3

  Dog and Pony Show

  Welcome to the Wedding Expo! The giant letters scrolled across the digital sign above the Hilton Hotel. The thrill of it had Zoe gripping her wheel in excitement as she pulled her van into the underground parking lot. Keeping an eye out for a free space, she wound farther and farther down. There were already so many vehicles there, which meant so many potential customers.

  When she finally found a free space, she pulled in and parked. But she still hadn’t seen her assistant’s bright yellow car anywhere.

  Grabbing her phone, she texted Natalie.

  Just arrived at the expo. Are you here?

  Normally, Zoe wouldn’t have been worried, but Natalie had grown increasingly distracted over the last few weeks, letting things slip, being tardy, making personal phone calls while on the clock. Whipping out her tablet, she brought up her to-do list for the week and made a note to speak to Natalie about her recent performance. Zoe liked the girl, but b
usiness was business.

  She leaned back in her seat and waited for a response, mentally going through her current to-do list. The song on the radio came to an end, replaced by the news on the hour.

  “Our top story today, the San Fran Slayer has struck again. Last night at approximately eight-thirty P.M., an up-and-coming local jewelry designer was found stabbed to death in her shop. Police say the murder occurred just before the shop was to close for the day. Anyone with information about the crime is asked to call the police. In other news…”

  Zoe frowned as she turned down the radio. The serial killer had been on a killing spree for a couple of years now. The lead investigator on the case was Bob, the boyfriend of the Dachshund Rescue Center’s manager. While he didn’t let on much about the case, Zoe knew how the Slayer was keeping the precinct busy. The whole country was watching.

  She checked her phone again, but there was still no response from Natalie. There was, however, a text from her seamstress saying her bride’s Marchesa wedding gown was ready. She replied, telling her she’d have Natalie pick it up that day, because she was as excited to see it as the bride was. This wasn’t just any dress. It wasn’t just any bride. It was her best friend, Piper Summers.

  She cc’d Natalie on it and hit send. Sighing, she resigned herself to setting up the booth on her own and got out. A blushing bride beamed at her from the ad on the side of her van, about to throw her bouquet.

  While her sex toy sales were good, there was big money in the wedding business. Since it paid more bills, she promoted her event-planning services more than her pleasure services. That, and because she thought a giant bride throwing a bouquet was more appropriate on the side of her van than a strap-on. Although, much less fun.

  Loading up with supplies, she slung a bag of pamphlets and fabric samples over her shoulder before pulling out two mannequins dressed as a bride and groom. She set them on their feet and gave them the once over. They looked as ready as any couple would before walking down the aisle. In fact, she’d looked exactly like that on her wedding day, since it was her dress and veil the blonde mannequin wore.