The Doodlebug War

by Andrew Updegrove

  That sounds hard to believe. Is that a well-accepted conclusion?

  Not by everyone. As you can expect, there are some very large corporations that would like not to have to spend the kind of money it would take to make data centers safe from physical attack—and the only ways to do that are by burying them at least fifty feet underground or dividing them up into thousands of smaller data centers. Some of those opponents are willing to do almost anything to stop Congress from requiring that.

  Such as?

  Well, that’s where today became interesting.

  How so?

  Originally, there were to be two other experts providing testimony at the hearing as well as myself. The others were Benno Patricoff, the executive director of the Data Center Alliance, and Sam Franklin, the chief security officer for WeBCloud, one of the largest cloud services providers. However, at the last minute, they decided not to testify.

  Why was that?

  The video feed switched to the hallway outside a hearing room in the Rayburn Building in Washington, D.C. Several uniformed men were intercepting two people in the hallway outside the door to a hearing room.

  Because they were served with subpoenas on their way into the hearing room by U.S. Marshals acting under orders from the Security and Exchange Commission. Some time ago, I learned that someone had hacked into the computer system of my organization in an effort to sabotage our work. Just this week I was informed that totally false rumors had been planted on investor chat boards claiming that the only reason my organization commissioned our report was so that I could personally profit from driving down the stock price of cloud computing companies like Orinoco. Those rumors temporarily wiped out over 7.5 billion dollars in stockholder value.

  They were now looking at the entrance to an opulent office building on K Street in Washington, D.C., where police officers were holding back a crowd as a startled-looking man wearing a business suit and handcuffs was “perp walked” to a squad car for the benefit of the camera crews on either side.

  The SEC also arrested Paul Roach, a prominent Washington lobbyist. Based on an unnamed informer, it appears that he and his firm, Roach & Drye, had planted the rumor as part of a campaign they were waging against my organization on behalf of WeBCloud and the Data Center Security Alliance.

  Fascinating! So what happened at your hearing?

  On the advice of their legal counsels, Patricoff and Franklin asserted their Fifth Amendment rights and declined to testify. But their written testimony had already been submitted. I was able to demonstrate the specific ways in which their testimony had been informed by hacking our systems by pointing to specific inclusions relating to a decoy version of the actual report written by the Center for Infrastructure Studies.

  Well, Sara. That’s quite a story on a day filled with incredible stories. Thank you both for joining us this evening.

  The news anchor paused and turned to face another camera, where another commentator joined him.

  I’m joined now by Phillip Glasser, our chief political correspondent. Phil, I understand that the president will shortly be addressing the nation from the Oval Office, is that right?

  That’s right, Bruce. As you know, most presidential addresses are given from more informal locations, like the Rose Garden or a corridor in the White House. So clearly, the president wants to emphasize the gravity of what he has to say tonight.

  And what do think that will be?

  Well, Bruce, this is a very unusual situation, because normally the press gets a summary in advance of what he will say. This time, though, all we know is that it will be about the situation in the Middle East and “other matters.”

  Frank grinned when he heard that; he could imagine the arguments and debates that must have been raging all day about whether to talk about the skirmish that had been filmed off San Francisco, and if so, what to say about it. And most critically, whether or not to take a position on preparing for a similar attack in the future. Things must have gotten really interesting after the bombshell from Congressman Steele’s Subcommittee hit mid-afternoon. He would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for those discussions.

  So what’s your guess on what those “other matters” might be, Phil?

  Well, that’s the question of the hour, isn’t it? I’ve heard some people say that they think it will be related to the Middle East, like commitments from additional countries to help stamp out what’s left of the Caliphate. Others think that it will have something to do with the military action that took place off the coast of California this morning. The administration still hasn’t explained what that was all about.

  Well, we won’t have long to wait to find out. Let’s go now to the Oval Office, where the president of the United States is making his first formal address in almost eleven months.

  The video cut to a live stream of a very earnest-looking president seated in the Oval Office, his hands clasped on the desk in front of him. He began speaking immediately.

  My fellow Americans, I’ve asked to speak to you this evening in order to announce that the United States, along with our NATO allies, has dealt a crushing blow to the Caliphate. Foolishly, Mullah Mohammed Foobar today launched major, almost suicidal, offensives against Egypt, Jordan, and Turkey. None of these advances was able to gain significant ground, and all of them were immediately met with overwhelming air, artillery, and cruise missile fire. Even as I speak, the remaining Caliphate forces are in full retreat on every front.

  I’m especially relieved to announce that while as many as eighteen thousand Caliphate infantry—more than half of all of Mullah Foobar’s troops—have been killed or wounded, the United States forces suffered not a single fatality. Clearly, this bears testimony to the superb skill and dedication of our brave men and women in uniform, as well as those of our allies. We have also taken thousands of Foobar’s troops prisoner. In some cases, entire brigades laid down their arms without resistance.”

  I bet they did, Frank thought. Foobar would have promised them that U.S. and NATO forces would miraculously be denied the ability to communicate or fire their weapons and that the Caliphate army would overrun them with little or no opposition. He could just imagine Foobar’s generals dashing forward on their splendid white Arabian stallions, scimitars brandished over their heads, only to be mowed down by allied forces. It must have been like the Charge of the Light Brigade, or more appropriately, the slaughter of the Mahdist forces by the British at the battle of Omdurman in 1885. Except that this time, no one at all would have made it back alive.

  We believe that, in all, three-quarters of Foobar’s troops have been killed, wounded, or captured. The balance is demoralized, disorganized, dispersed, and incapable of putting up effective resistance. Consequently, I have been informed by our military commanders that it is highly likely that all hostilities will have ceased by midnight tomorrow and that all territory previously seized by the Caliphate will be under the control of U.S. and allied forces. I am also pleased to report that al-Raqqa, the Caliphate’s self-proclaimed capital, has already been retaken through the heroic actions of Army Special Forces, some of whom had secretly infiltrated the area over the preceding several days, and the 173rd Airborne Brigade, which launched its assault this morning.

  That was all welcome news, but Frank and Tim were on the edges of their seats wondering whether the president would own up to the reason Foobar had been so over-confident.

  While it is right to celebrate this momentous victory over a vicious foe committed to destroying our country, our people, and our way of life, we must not forget the thousands of citizens of America and our NATO allies, as well as the countless citizens of Middle Eastern nations, that fell victim to the Caliphate’s atrocities before its destruction. Accordingly, we must dedicate this victory to their honor, and never forget their innocent sacrifice.

  But there is another m
atter that I would like to speak to you about tonight as well. While related to the success we have just achieved, it represents an even greater existential threat to our existence than the Caliphate.

  Frank and Tim exchanged glances—this must be it—he was going to take the plunge. The president’s face now assumed an expression of determined satisfaction.

  Many of you will have heard by now that U.S. forces seized a vessel off San Francisco just before dawn. What you will not have heard was that twelve other vessels, each one secretly purchased, refitted, and armed by the Caliphate, were also interdicted a few hours earlier, approximately ten miles off shore of Seattle, Los Angeles, Galveston, Savannah, Norfolk, Boston, and multiple European ports. The mission of each one of these ships was to launch primitive, but powerful, cruise missiles capable of destroying approximately sixty percent of the enormous computer data centers that today host the software and data of our increasingly cloud-based information technology infrastructure.

  Had these attacks succeeded, a catastrophe that is difficult to imagine or describe would have been unleashed. Not only would our military command and control systems have been destroyed, resulting in the Caliphate’s forces overrunning ours, rather than the opposite, but our power grid, transportation and financial systems, fuel delivery capabilities, and much, much more would have been incapacitated. This would have rendered it impossible to repair the damage to the data centers, and therefore impossible to restore the power grid and essential services. In the days and weeks to follow, untold millions in America and Europe would have died of hunger and exposure.

  I will not dwell tonight on the details of what such a monumental calamity would be like or on how it was averted. What I will do is ask every American to take to heart the enormous vulnerability that we have unwittingly brought upon ourselves. Technology is a wondrous thing, and the scientists and engineers of America have led the world for decades in its advancement. But just as with the invention of the atomic bomb, technological advancement has the capacity to lead us to places where our innovative reach can exceed our grasp of the possible consequences.

  We must take the right lesson away from the events of today, and not let the celebration of a well-deserved victory blind us to the vulnerability that this thwarted attack exposed, and which so nearly brought about our own downfall. That is why I am announcing tonight that, with the full support of the speaker of the house, I will not sign the Cloud Computing Cybersecurity Act, recently passed by both houses of Congress. Instead, I am declaring a national emergency and calling upon both the majority and minority leaders of the House of Representatives and Senate to immediately sit down together and agree upon a plan of action to draft and adopt a bipartisan bill within thirty days to accomplish the following:

  First, mandate that no facility equipped with more than five hundred computer servers shall be built aboveground and that construction of any such larger facility currently in progress shall immediately cease.

  Second, instruct the National Institute of Standards and Technology to take such steps, in cooperation with representatives of industry and the scientific community, to create effective standards for the construction and securing of belowground data facilities, with such standards to ensure that such a facility is capable of withstanding a direct nuclear strike.

  Third, authorize a one hundred percent tax credit for the costs of relocating existing data centers underground, and, for the next ten years, for the incremental cost of building new facilities underground as compared to aboveground.

  And finally, to create a fifty-billion-dollar fund to provide long-term, no-interest loans to owners of existing data centers to fund the relocation of their facilities pending cost recovery through the relocation cost tax credit just mentioned.

  My fellow Americans, today we averted a disaster that so far exceeds any calamity this nation has ever faced that it is difficult to comprehend its full magnitude. We must pledge ourselves to work unceasingly to remove this vulnerability as speedily as humanly possible. I ask that you convey your unconditional support to your elected representatives for the initiative that I have just described so that not only we, but our children and grandchildren, will be able to live the safe and happy lives we all deserve as Americans.

  Thank you for your attention this evening, and may God bless America.

  Marla muted the sound before the news anchor could begin regurgitating everything the president had just said. “Wow, Dad—you must be on cloud nine, no pun intended!”

  Frank’s and Tim’s eyes widened in shock. Had Marla somehow been on to them the whole time?

  “I mean, you’ve been ranting about this for years! And now the president of the United States is, too!”

  Frank relaxed with relief. “Uh, yeah. I guess I am. But how about that—it looks like we had a real near miss there, doesn’t it?”

  “We sure did. And I guess you won’t even be able to say ‘I told you so’ because the people who figured out what Foobar was up to probably don’t even know you exist.”

  * * *

  Several days later, Frank visited the Cloud Data offices for his project exit interview. As he stepped off the elevator, he could see that George Marchand was already sitting in the conference room where Frank’s latest adventure had begun. He weaved his way across the wide expanse of sprawling Whiz Kids to join him.

  “Good to see you, Frank.”

  “And you as well. I guess Hermann and Tim will be joining us?”

  “Any minute. By the way—how did things go with Tim at the airport?”

  “Pretty well, except that I had to buy a two hundred and fifty dollar ticket to Pittsburgh I’ll never use to get through security. I’m relieved to say that Tim is completely horrified now at what he almost pulled off. I guess he was under a lot more self-imposed pressure than I realized. Anyway, he’s been bending over backwards assuring me he doesn’t understand now how he could possibly have rationalized his actions to himself at the time. And he’s decided that the CIA isn’t the place for him.”

  “That’s a relief to me as well. I don’t think in good conscience I could have looked the other way if he wanted to stay at the Agency.”

  “Thanks, George—I appreciate it. How about with the Agency? Any lingering suspicions there?”

  “No, and especially not after the president decided to come out against the cloud computing industry. As you’d expect, after the cover was blown on the naval operation, he’s touting the defeat of the Caliphate’s plan for all its worth. Without that video of the SEALs retaking the Dohna and blasting a V-1 out of the sky, the whole thing would be too abstract to capture the public’s imagination. By the way, how do you suppose that came about?” George was suddenly looking at Frank very intently.

  “Who knows? I guess it must have been just a good, clear night and somebody in the helicopter was looking in the right direction at the right time.”

  “And the reporter who hates data centers? He just happened to be up early, too?”

  “Well, you know, the early bird gets the worm.”

  “What exactly does that mean?”

  “Uh, as little as possible?”

  George paused, frowning, before answering. “Yes, I suppose so.” Then he shrugged. “Anyway, at this point, I expect the administration would just as soon know less rather than more about how that came about.”

  “Well, I have to say that’s a relief.”

  There was a rap at the door, and Koontz walked in, followed by Tim.

  Frank stood up to shake Koontz’s hand. Then he took his Cloud Data ID badge off his shirt and handed it to him. “I guess I won’t be needing this anymore.”

  “Oh, you never know. I think I won’t send it to the shredder just yet.”

  “Anyway,” George said, “I’m glad we could get together today to close things out. Frank, Hermann wi
ll need to collect the signatures of everyone, including you, whose work is summarized in his final report. You’ll also need to return all materials you’ve received, if any, over the course of the project, and sign a certification that you’ve destroyed any notes that you may have taken outside this office. And finally, you’ll need to sign this.” George slid a document across the table. “All it says, in so many words, is that you understand and reaffirm the confidentiality requirements in the agreement you signed back in the beginning. So I guess you can’t write a book about this one.”

  “Not much danger of that, unless I get another ghostwriter.”

  “I expect not. But anyway, other than that, you’re a free man again. Any questions?”

  “Just one—do you think we’ll ever catch Foobar? It seems incredible he was able to get away, just like bin Laden and Mullah Omar.”

  “Yes, not being able to announce his capture is the one fly in the president’s ointment, isn’t it? As a matter of fact, though, it’s a bit more complicated than that, because we did get him.”

  “Really? Then why isn’t the president claiming the credit for that, too?”

  “Because there was more behind Foobar than we had thought before. When we sifted through all of the records we seized on the day of the attack, we learned that most of Foobar’s economic support wasn’t coming from rich Saudis, Iraq, or any of the other sources we’d assumed must be backing him.”

  “Who was supporting him, then?”

  “Believe it or not, the Chinese.”

  “The Chinese? You’re kidding.”

  “Nope. And it makes more sense than it sounds like at first. You already know that relations between the West and China have been deteriorating for years now, what with China’s military buildup and asserting control over the South China Sea. And you’re also aware that China’s been making economic alliances around the world with emerging nations, trying to lock up as many natural resources as possible for their own use. China doesn’t have much by way of raw materials, and with more and more of its people entering the middle class, the government has an enormous problem coming up with the resources and energy it will take to keep them satisfied.