The Revolutionaries Try Again

by Mauro Javier Cardenas

  XV / ROLANDO FINDS EVA

  Did I tell you I read funny? — Tico Tico funny or Polo Baquerizo funny? — you think Polo Baquerizo’s funny? — no Eva he’s a parody of what he thinks people think is funny — we should survey the people and ask them what’s funny — El Loco’s definitely funny — whoever doesn’t say the word funny loses okay? — the force of the poor / Abdalá / the clamor of my people / funny — fungus is funny — for whom? — you lost! — so did you — that’s funny — how is it that you think you read funny? — can we not talk about El Loco today? — I just asked you what is it about your reading habits that’s — you think El Loco’s funny because he’s also a parody of what he thinks people want and yet what’s funny isn’t that at all but that the people know he’s performing what he thinks they want and that’s what endears him to them — this girl called Eva doesn’t want me to talk about El Loco today so I’m — El Loco’s performance is meant for them unlike the performance of someone like Nebot who promises them the same free everything but they can tell he’s not performing for them but for his neighborhood cronies — I don’t remember ever seeing Tico Tico the clown when I was a kid — Nebot sports Italian suits and promises to parrot the Americans meanwhile El Loco pours beer on his head and says this land is ours carajo — Jaime Roldós Aguilera sported excellent suits — that’s different Jaime Roldós was different — are you thinking about Eva? — his father doesn’t ask as they drive to the hospital Luis Vernaza to search for Eva — I’m not thinking about Eva — Rolando doesn’t answer — Alma corazón — I’m not thinking about my sister Alma — Rolando doesn’t answer — about the one letter he received from his sister — hi remember me it’s me Rolandis / I’ve made a friend here in San Francisco her name’s Estela / I’m afraid of forgetting everything what would I be like if I forgot everything / Estela’s from Guatemala the other day she found a romance novel on the street reading it to me exaggerating her accent on purpose / you would like her she wouldn’t like you everything’s fine here I’m fine here you’ve always remembered everything Rolandis — that’s not true I — do you remember the princess and the kitty you and me forcing Dad to be the princess — of course I remember the princess and the — prove it — I remember Dad picking an orange you saying not an ovoid one a round one go back Dad — you don’t love me anymore — of course I do chiquita — you don’t show it — do I really need to show it when I’ve loved you this much for this long? — which Rolando is sure he could say to his sister if she ever came back — and as Rolando and his father drive to the hospital Luis Vernaza he’s sure they will run into his sister on the way there — why are you just standing there Alma get in the car quick Dad’s been waiting for you — which is ridiculous but no less ridiculous than everything in the world — the metaphysical rebel declares the end of metaphysics — shut up — please save memories of me of us in case I forget everything / if this is the only letter you receive from me you can keep my felt dinosaur — which he did keep because it was the only letter he received from her — she probably didn’t know it would be her last letter to him — his father didn’t receive any letters from her or at least Rolando couldn’t find any under his pillow or in his drawers — she didn’t know he’d heard her when she called home the first time and the second time calling them less and less as if every day she forgot them a little more as opposed to Rolando who doesn’t forget her because sometimes after his father has gone to sleep he transcribes his last transcription of her letter by hand — not really thinking about its content just passing the time although the next day he does like to think of himself transcribing her letter and does wish someone could videotape him (1) transcribing her letter (2) transcribing his transcription of her letter (∞) transcribing his transcription of his transcription of his transcription of his transcription — facing the camera to address his sister asking her (1) (2)(∞) can you hear Dad’s snores from over there? — sending her the videotape as proof that although they had grown apart soon after he started school at San Javier — right around the time when that Esteros engendro accused his sister of being possessed by the devil — when he avoided his sister instead of consoling her as if afraid she would contaminate him with her misfortune what kind of brother does that? — I’m so sorry Alma — someone please take a picture of me I need the evidence that that person transcribing her letter is really me — how many times have you actually transcribed her letter? — only once but — you think imagining this transcription business suffices? — it isn’t nothing — it is for your sister — does anyone have a video camera I can borrow? — her misfortunes attached to him against his will stay away from me please I don’t want to think of you — that remote beach in Salinas you and I strolling into the sea for miles the water not even reaching our knees little waves chasing one another and you picking from that firmament of seashells remember? — yes and Dad chasing us splashing up the place saying time for ceviche de concha children — and you arranging your seashells in a circle placing the best one in the middle that strange woman at the restaurant lifting the best one from you returning to her table as if she had just picked it from a buffet — hey we’re almost at the hospital Rolando — his father doesn’t say because they’re still far away from the hospital or not far away from the hospital how would he know look out the window Rolando see the dark walls forget the dark walls his father switching on the lights in his sleep — how about you Dad what are you thinking about? — Rolando doesn’t say — Father Villalba saying to Rolando what is there to say? — that we’ve lost? — that I wished I would have had the courage to eliminate our enemies? — god and so on — don’t expect me to inspire you Rolando — how are we to be Christians in a world of destitution and injustice? — the long silent rides with Father Villalba until one day Father Villalba did speak — in Guatemala our enemies received an unlimited supply of American weapons that ravaged mountains villages children — in Chile our enemies received enough American funds to sabotage the economy and firebomb La Moneda — if you begin by believing they are not your enemies you’re already dead — in El Salvador we concealed the equipment of Radio Venceremos inside a cave where the embroilment of bats electrified our guerrilla newsflashes — how many times did you transcribe Father Villalba’s words? — I was too young I’m sorry I didn’t know I would forget most of them — the week after Alma left them Father Villalba didn’t ask Rolando if anything was the matter on their long ride to the dumpster called La Libertad and Rolando didn’t say Father I have sinned or Father I want to set fire to Julio’s house or Father how do you explain the coexistence of Chagas and christ — the empty lots on their way to La Libertad — the dark brick walls with posters of El Loco on their way to the hospital Luis Vernaza — the clamor of my people / Abdalá — you still haven’t told me how you speak funny — I said read funny Rolanbobo — if you forget everything I would be a blanket and outstretch myself on these vacant plains — god and so on — the garbage piles on the empty lots on their way to La Libertad — Father Villalba had refused to be anyone’s spiritual counselor Eva — Rolando’s father prostrated in Father Villalba’s office the week after Alma left them — a dog howling atop a hill of sawdust and garbage in an empty lot on their way to La Libertad — Cerberus has Chagas look — icepicking the moon Mars forsaken satellites — his father driving them to the hospital Luis Vernaza and Rolando asking his father if he’d ever asked Father Villalba to counsel him — When? — his father prostrated in Father Villalba’s office and Father Villalba hunched next to his father as if confessing him — raindrops filtering inside our cave so that we had to cover the radio equipment with a makeshift roof of bamboo — Yes I did ask Father Villalba to counsel you Rolando — his father prostrated in Father Villalba’s office and Father Villalba placing his hands on his father’s hands as if to pray together — Was worried about you Rolando — his father does say — what could Father Villalba have said to even attempt to console his father? — god and so on — bats on the roof of a shack atop a hi
ll of sawdust and garbage in an empty lot on their way to La Libertad — in Argentina a guard brought his daughter to one of Videla’s concentration camps so he could introduce her to his favorite prisoners — and then that memory of his father in Father Villalba’s office begins again and instead of running away from that embarrassing moment Rolando joins Father Villalba in consoling his father — the long silent ride with his father to the hospital Luis Vernaza and Rolando worrying that his father’s arm will start tapping the armrest involuntarily again — the bats gnawing on the bamboo — the mate gourd inside Father Villalba’s pickup truck smelling like rancid mint — what if I forget everything and everything remains intact inside my mitochondria for example — the week after his sister left them his father’s arm tapping the armrest involuntarily as if it wanted out — don’t think of an iguana’s tail — and then that memory of his father in Father Villalba’s office begins again and Rolando’s resting his ear on his father’s back while Father Villalba doesn’t say I wish I could tell you god will provide for your daughter — sana sana culito de rana — his father’s arm tapping the armrest on the driver’s door as if the arm wanted to catch Rolando’s attention — help me please my owner doesn’t want to live anymore — I read funny because my eyes dart around the page can’t explain why sorry — the long silent rides to La Libertad and Father Villalba not asking him what’s the matter Rolando but speaking to him as if at last Father Villalba was ready to answer questions or not ready to answer questions but he might as well answer those questions that were submitted to him soon after Pinochet launched Operation Condor for instance — I didn’t ask Father Villalba anything he just started speaking to me listen to me Rolando till the last possible second we believe the lord will change things for the better which means no one will overturn anything unless someone disrupts everyone’s lives so much that they can no longer believe the lord will change anything do you understand? — after my sister left us my father wouldn’t speak to anyone or he would speak to anyone but wasn’t really there when he spoke to anyone he said to me don’t worry they are saying your sister’s okay I didn’t ask him who these people were my father laughing to himself as if listening to punchlines from ultratumba — his father’s arm not tapping the armrest as they drive to the hospital Luis Vernaza when will Rolando’s arms start convulsing involuntarily? — how much of himself has already been spent pretending nothing’s the matter? — I’m so sorry Alma — help me please my owner — arriving at the hospital Luis Vernaza asking for his sister no one has records of entries or exits this late at night — Can I help you? — Yes my father and I are looking for — Try the next desk down the hall we’re closed — Why ask if you can help me if you’re going to — Let it go Rolando let’s go — rushing along the dark hallways of the first floor — up next, second floor, more silent agonies — shut up — along the urgent care rooms where at last they find Eva — You found me — We drove all over and then we — I knew you would find me and then I thought how melodramatic my thoughts — Don’t melodramatize yourself Auroris — Don’t make me laugh these exhalations hurt me — Don’t talk please I’ll just sit here and swat these fruit flies with my Chapulín mallet — I’m not dead — Leftover fruit flies I’m sure let me open the window — I know you want to know what happened so you can enrage yourself into committing more futile acts of — If you prefer to rest maybe later is better I’ll just sit here and read your mind don’t mind the mind burr — What am I thinking? — Please hold — Money back if you take too long — You’re thinking of me at a stadium batting these fruit flies into outer space — Tell me about outer space — Experts agree that it’s out there — Money back if you don’t power intergalactic worlds for me — A classmate at San Javier we called him Mazinger the Robot he would kick the ball into — What’s wrong Rolando? — I’m sorry nothing I’m fine it’s okay if you see me cry right? — Of course Rolandis — Okay so this guy called Mazinger would kick the ball into outer space — Maybe he knew that’s where the goal really is? — Don’t metaphoratize yourself Auroris — Metaphora what? — Tize — Chanfle — I remember Spider from the Moon a bedtime story my sister Alma would ask my father to read to us — What was it about? — Spider from the Moon lands on Earth looking for little girls to eat — Remember that movie about cannibals in the Amazon called Cannibals Something or Other? — One night while my father was reading Spider from the Moon the neighbor turns up the radio a song by Grupo Niche about rain your hands as cold as rain my father allowing Grupo Niche to alter the course of the bedtime story because all of a sudden Spider from the Moon has cold hands leaking raindrops on earth — A flood? — Exactly which led to the story of Noah and his ark — And Spider from the Moon instructed Noah to collect one male and one female — And then the neighbor switches stations and La Sonora Dinamita’s singing about the fire of your beautiful black eyes and all of a sudden Spider from the Moon tries to cork the flood with firestorms that shoot from his beautiful black eyes — Julio Jaramillo sang the aguardiente version of that same song I’m so tired Rolando — Please don’t talk anymore Eva I’ll take care of the talking I’ll pretend I am both you and me okay? — Okay but how did Noah distinguish between the male fly and the — Ewww — Okay fine I’ll play dead go on — Rolando as Eva saying and what happens in the end Rolando? — Spider from the Moon chases Alma and just as Spider from the Moon is about to spiderweb her he realizes he would rather be friends with her — Rolando as Eva saying tell me about your father’s improvisations Rolando? — Yes well my sister would ask my father to do it again the next day and the next day my father’s catching the sounds around us immobile there and he’s listening intently the siren of an ambulance turning into Spider from the Moon having a stomachache from eating too many meteors — What’s that noise? — That’s my dad he’s a little sensitive today he’s staying outside until he can calm down and stop crying — Why would he want to do that? — Why would he want to calm down? — Or stop crying — That’s what men do Eva — Tell him to come in please don’t make him wait outside — Rolando asking his father to please come inside his father entering the room wiping his red eyes with his Emelec tee shirt — Alfredito your son tells me you’re quite the storyteller — Rolando exaggerates I — his father trying not to stare at the bruises on Eva’s face or the bandages around her head or the wounds on her shoulders — Tell me the one about Spider from the Moon — which makes his father cry — I’m not dead Alfredito — She’s joking Dad she — Why did they do this to you I — I’m not dead I thought am I relieved? — We’re relieved don’t say that — knowing me / knowing you — I fought back at first then I thought either way we’re all going to die right? — let us pray for her — his father doesn’t say — I thought Radio Nuevo Día / la radio al día — let us contemplate god’s mysteries — Father Villalba doesn’t say — Did Eva just fall asleep? — Her face is warm her hands aren’t I think she’s sleeping yes — the dust on the windshield on their way to La Libertad — the dry wiper washers clearing slices of dirt for them — read something to me show me how you read funny — no funny nothing today we have to rewrite Snowflakes in Mapasingue — why did you bring it up then? — you lost! funny! — and then that memory of his father in Father Villalba’s office begins again and Rolando’s saying to Rolando you twig you didn’t console anyone you just stood there outside Father Villalba’s office and ran away from them — you find consolation in this endless carping of yours don’t you? — does it make you feel more alive to torch yourself endlessly? — Rolando of Arc ha ha — ugh — (1) John Paul II signals he doesn’t support liberation theology priests (2) Reagan floods El Salvador with guns (3) bullets rain on Óscar Romero’s heart — the squalid children at La Libertad not flocking to Father Villalba like in those movies about saintful priests Father Villalba asking them their names the children forming a line inventing funny names for themselves — dear Rolando the Americans here in San Francisco aren’t used to the sun everyone strolls to the park when the sun’s out / sometimes
I think one day when we’re old we’ll drop on the floor and play topos again doesn’t matter all these years we didn’t talk — Clodomiro at your service — rats nosing on the squalid children in their sleep — Tremebundo here — the children asking Rolando to join their betting pool on who among them will die next — two tapitas on Dientefrío check out his yellow eyeballs — Father Villalba jotting down their names on a clipboard memorizing their names crossing out the names of those we couldn’t find after three or four weeks why would he do that? — a reminder of the futility of his task is that it? — how much futility can one take Eva? — all of it or none of it depends — I’ll open Hopscotch at random show me how you read funny okay? — fine I’ll point you to where my eyes dart to and you can number them ready (1) here (2) here (3) here — Rosamundo at your service — how are we to be Christians in a world of destitution and injustice let us delude ourselves look our charity doesn’t perpetuate destitution and injustice — (1) a process of enriching despoilment it can come to him while he is sitting on the toilet — what does that mean? — Morelli the advocate of comfortable toilet seating? — (2) pebble and star absurd images — the metaphysical rebel declares that pebbles equal stars we’re upside down? — (3) incapable of liquidating circumstances he tries to turn his back on them — did I tell you the one about the liquid paper and the squid? — the long silent wait in the hospital room after Eva falls asleep — Father Villalba’s long absence after his first heart attack — the smell of rancid mint inside Father Villalba’s pickup truck along with the ridiculous smell of lavender — the smell of heart ointment he’d imagined Father Villalba would exude after his heart surgery — Father Villalba’s pickup truck had no air conditioner so I could only detect those smells in the seconds between entering the pickup truck and rolling down the windows — the bats gnawing on the squalid children in their sleep — our father was the princess you’re the princess Dad I’m the purr asleep in the forest hide in the kitchen quick — what does one do with all these unsharable memories Rolando? — Let’s go Evarista — Arsenico — Eva’s talking in her sleep does she do that often Rolando? — Arsenio’s her brother — holding Eva’s hand what else can Rolando do? — it has been said that our Organization wants to sow chaos and anarchy — let’s collect these pebbles and hurl them at their gates is that enough? — Father it burns — this is another hallucination of our accusers — little waves chasing one another — ovoid like your stoopoid head ha ha — the strange old woman at that restaurant by the beach not so strange a retiree her husband sporting a gray suit and a matching gray vest we didn’t see her take your seashell Dad confronting her you should be ashamed of yourself — let’s stroll further out on this beach until we reach outer space — Alma repeating the seashell story again and again not as if retelling some profound injustice but as if giddy that something had happened to her she was four years old — Are you Eva Calderón’s family? — Yes hello Doctor let’s please step outside what’s the diagnosis — Head concussion five broken ribs we’re concerned a rib might have punctured her lung — What does that mean? — She’s in critical condition — She was just speaking to us like nothing was wrong — What else can a patient do except pretend nothing’s wrong? — Don’t talk to us like that Doctor — Like what? — Nothing like nothing Doctor we — Listen I have people lining up outside trying to bribe me for a room the nurses refused to even let Eva into the hospital I just happened to walk by — Why did you intervene? — It’s silly you’ll guffaw not that I care if you guffaw you’re better off not guffawing at your doctor by the way — Everything’s more or less silly Doctor — She looks almost exactly like a cousin of mine — A cousin? — My cousin Marta we used to play soccer together she’s in Madrid now — My sister’s away in San Francisco too — I was walking outside by the emergency room thinking of those thousands of people lining up holding up their piggy banks trying to bribe someone so their children could be seen by a doctor meanwhile the director of the hospital calls me hey Alberto the assistant to the minister of so and so just called his son needs a cast please take good care of him and I’m having to say yes of course I don’t mind I do mind who cares if I mind if not me someone else who knows what my cousin’s doing to make ends meet in Madrid? — Alma corazón — the long wait after the doctor walks away — the long days after fighting with his father about skipping Father Villalba’s funeral what’s the point of attending Father Villalba’s funeral he’s dead he will remain dead he wouldn’t have wanted a funeral toss my useless bones into a ditch he would have said — Rolancerdo at your service — Dientefrío’s dead I won I won — I’m an accomplice to all this injustice — Father Villalba did say — and so are you — and you — and you — this a country thirsty for water and injustice — at last you’re dead Father Villalba are you relieved? — how can I be dead if you can still hear me? — I’m tired and all of this hurts too much Father — a smaller place a loan from the priests anything I’ll do Alma — after everything I’ve done for your family Don Alban — she’s waking up look — You found me — Thank the mind burr — Why so cold mind burr? — A homeless woman on Victor Emilio actually told us to come here — Need some mittens mind burr? — She also told us what happened to you she said she found you on the sidewalk — Her son doesn’t play the panflute in Texas — This Argentinian priest at San Javier once smacked Facundo with his flute remember Facundo? — Where’s your father? — Almond chocolate run — At last we’re alone I can tell you everything — I’ll need a more comfortable chair please hold — Don’t run out of here embattled thinking this changes everything you’re better off learning how to make gold fishes — I’m tired I just want to lie down next to you for a while — Too bad the bed’s so narrow I don’t disagree with you that our plays accomplish nothing — We don’t let’s not talk about that now — That our radio accomplishes very little — Free advertising for the people? — We’re like a whistling duo at a funeral home — Once I saw a casket shop in Cuenca with a sign on the window that read — We could run for office — Don’t be funny — El Loco’s funny — A sign on the window of a funeral home that said We Rent Chairs — El Loco’s back? — Yes — That’s funny.